I was watching Gossip Girl just now.
And there was this scene when Blair asked Chuck
"Were our feelings real? Because if they do, just tell me and we'll all figure things out. But if it's just a game, then please Chuck, just let me go."
so this is what Chuck replied.
"it was all a game, you're free to go"
*Blair walks away to Nate*
Serena oversaw the whole scene before her own eyes and so she asked him
"why did you do that for?"
Chuck solemnly replied,
"because I love her, and I can't make her happy"
It just made me think about my relationship with C.
Just how strong is our love anyways?
Just how strong is my love for her?
It's undeniably true that I do love C with all my heart.
But... I'm starting to see that it's just not enough.
You know, just a few hours back, I attended this seminar with her and...
I must say, I was kinda afraid of her asking me something like
"so... have you been doing your work?"
She told me before that she was gonna check on me.
So it was kinda expected.
But.. throughout the times when we were alone during our walks towards the G Block,
she did nothing of that sort.
Probably because our minds were just too busy thinking about where the seminar was going to be held. I was looking for the place while she called this Cassandra girl.
During Seminar... there was no room for us to really just talk so... well,
we just went along with what happened and mingle around with the attendees.
At the time the whole seminar was over
actually it's just that her mom already arrived.
We went back and well.. the only thing she said was,
"sorry for bursting the bubble back there, the expenses and everything was...."
and I don't really remember the rest of the sentence.
well, besides that... she did complain a bit about her coughing,
saying that it needed to come out but she was refraining herself for doing so in public.
Of all the things she could say,
all she thought was..
It's more like I should be the one apologizing, not her.
I told her I was gonna do my work, and yet till now, it's still pending.
Just when am I gonna start anyways?
Why do I always have to hesitate when I want to do something?
Why must I procrastinate every single time I feel like doing something?
Why can't I just put my heart out front and let it do what it feels like doing.
So I ask my heart now.
What do I want to do now?
I want to give a chance for my heart to speak.
And so here I am.
Good thing I don't really hold back my intentions when I wanna blog.
Come to think of it,
I even passed my sickness to her.
and now she's coughing non-stop because we kissed that night.
I told her about my condition before we continued.
But that time, she just told me,
"this is probably the only chance for us to do it again because we're never gonna do it in college anymore"
I guess I could understand.
She was willing to even though I was disapproving of the kiss in fear that she might contract my sickness.
If she gives, then my only duty is to accept.
But I also have to always remember to keep us on the right track.
So there are some things that can't be done by us two no matter what.
That all aside...
Nobody was sick in camp besides me.
But when I met her today and she told me about her condition, yeah, I guess she contracted my sickness from our kiss.
I don't regret it though.
I only hope she doesn't since... her cough's kinda bad now.
I'm asking myself again and again,
just how much do I love her?
How far am I willing to go for her?
What am I willing to do for her?
My heart tells me that I'd do anything for her.
And I'll reach her even if we were 3 worlds apart.
And I love her with everything I have, far beyond love to myself.
why can't I do something as simple as finishing up my assignments?
I need to reassure her that she chose the right guy.
And I don't want her to be wrong.
For that, I need to realize a dream.
A dream that could make us live without myriads of financial issues haunting our relationship.
I must, and I will.
I think I understand why I procrastinate so much.
I want to always do things, for someone.
And I'm trying really hard to control myself from doing it too much.
It may be strength, but relying on it all the time won't be helping me.
So whenever I get the though that I'm doing something for someone,
especially if that person never asked me to do anything,
and that it affects only me,
I try to avoid it by shifting my focus away to something else,
which often leads to me feeling demotivated to do something because there was no solid reason to work for.
Trying to work for myself is... hard.
I try to do a lot of things for myself,
but it just doesn't seem to really satisfy me.
I wanted to try and live on my own.
Be completely independant.
Free of other's influence.
I'll be my own influence, guidance, motivation and strength.
But in my current state,
it's gonna take too long for me to reach that level.
So what I'll do now is...
I guess I'll borrow this burning passion of love in my heart for C and put it in everything I do.
In her name, I'll try.
It's not nice... to use someone to be a reason for you to do things 'cause well...
sometimes things just don't really turn up the way they're supposed to be.
And when that happens, that's when you start blaming that person because you began by making that person the reason for you to do everything.
I'll try not to be overdependant on my love for her 'cause if one day, it suddenly goes away, it might be a little hard for me to get back up.
But for now, I'll use it do what's good for myself.
I just want you to know that
I'm sorry I disappointed you.
You might not have said anything nor did express that you feel disappointed towards me in any case, but...
I'm disappointed with myself.
I should be very well apologizing to myself.
But since that our lives are interwoven together by our love,
my disappointment is your disappointment.
Which is why...
I'm sorry C.
I've always been pushing you to do things and well,
you always did more than me.
On the other end of my side, I couldn't even apply my own words unto myself.
What good is someone who asks a person to do something when that person doesn't even do it?
I told her many things.
And for some reason, she always feels inspired by me.
I can think so far ahead with my farsight.
But I told her before,
that though it may be good to have farsight,
it's sometimes a curse for me.
Because when you expect too much from the future,
that's when your present will crumble before your own greedy might.
So to speak...
I've given her far too many empty words.
It'd be useless to say that I can't achieve them now.
I haven't even started nor have I tried yet.
I think it's time for me to make those words into a reality.
If not, then my honest feelings would be all lies in the end.
I wouldn't want that to happen.
I want to give her a life she could smile about everyday.
And I'm really sure that she wants me to achieve my own dreams.
Which is quite simple really,
to just live a life of freedom.
But it's a bit too generic ain't it?
There was this one time, I called her, and she was asking me,
what do you see in your future?
and I told her these:
note that they might not be exactly accurate now so...
I guess this is like a whole new version with added stuff then.
I see a future in which we live in a house together,
married and happy
after I propose to you.
We'd be cooking meals together,
sometimes for each other.
We'd be taking turns to do house chores,
since letting you do it all is like sexual discrimination,
and sometimes, we'd do the chores together.
We'll start a photo album.
A memoir of our life together.
Just like the one in Up.
And we'd look it through together after 10 years.
To remind ourselves how much we did together.
After that, we start making a hole in the ground,
to bury that album inside,
and we'd plant a tree on it.
After another 10 years,
we'll unearth the ground and look through the album again.
We'd have initimacy as much as we want to together,
without anything holding us back anymore,
because we're married.
We'll remember our anniversaries,
and celebrate each time.
Even when sometimes,
we can't be together to do so.
We'd have kids if we can.
Maybe one or two, depending on our financial stability.
But we both agreed and prefer two,
so that the only child doesn't feel lonely.
We'd start an education fund for each child the minute they get their birth certs done.
So that when they finish secondary school,
they can opt for whatever course they want without fear of how much they'd cost.
We'd argue with each other for fun.
Beat each other up in simple games.
We'd try to make each other smile everyday.
And when we smile, we smile genuinely.
We'll be honest to each other no matter what the occasion.
Even if sometimes it might spoil the mood of something really great.
We'll support each other everyday.
By always breathing and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
I'll take care of her.
She'll take care of me.
We'll take care of each other.
We'd go to places together.
Experiencing new things together as much as we can.
But for most part,
we'd continue to love each other no matter what,
even if everything I've said before above doesn't happen.
Even if she doesn't love me one day,
I'd still do.
And I'll remind her of every single moment we had together with love.
Because I cherish those memories.
And my feelings for you,
is a treasure to keep.
Not a regret to agonize about.
Even if she grows to hate me because of it.
I'll still continue.
Unless if she wishes me to be completely out of her life,
then out I shall.
For the last thing I want from her,
is for her to feel sad because of me.
There may be only one true love in anyone's entire lifetime.
And I think she's my true love.
I love her.
I love C.
I love you C.
I promise you, from this moment forth,
I will do everything in my power to secure a better future for us.
And I'll make sure that I never neglect you.
I could never make a promise I couldn't keep.
But this time, I believe I can.
For as long as my heart never stops.
I'll keep that promise.
This is my commitment towards our relationship.
It seem that I've just not been trying hard enough.
I'll try even harder.
And make you proud.
Because I'd never want you to regret choosing me.
I really love you C.
Such are the words contained within my heart's core.
And I've released them from their chains binding them to laws of consequences.
But I've nothing to be afraid of.
I believe in our love.
If I continue to persist and persevere, this dream will become a reality.
Until that happens,
I won't stop.
Owh.. I found the original.
I love you with all my heart and soul, C
If I could, I'd take you away in a golden carriage laden with jewels and magic to a faraway place in fairyland where 1000 wonders lie for us to discover together with the strength of our one true love
we may not live happily ever after
but we have each other
as the mountains surpass skyscrapers
as the peak lies in the mouth of Space
C - daydreamer....XD
the rivers too long to measure with currents greater than the ancient dragons
valleys lower than darkness, comparable to the abyss itself
C - do u daydream often??
Me - yes
C - seriously...
about your nude body
C - well, what about more realistic daydreams
dreaming about your nude body and having great sex with you
C - like how u'd want yr life to be like in future...
we'd have great children
we'd cook together
we'd do house chores together
everyday before we leave for work, we'll kiss each other passionately
to remind ourselves that our love remains eternal
and see each other off for as long as we could savour the sight of each other
we'd tell each other stories
of our days
and say "I love you" followed by a kiss
and then an intimicate connection until we breakaway to slumber
and in the mornings
whoever wakes up first will wake the other up
and we'd kiss for as long as we can until the alarm sounds if we woke up too early
as soon as it sounds, we'd rush to take our bath and prepare to leave for work
during our off-times, we'd do normal things together
and make them look special
and we'd keep a book
a picture book
like the one in Up
after we fill a book
C - :)
we'd leave it for 10 years
after we bury it into the ground
and when the timeline expires
we'd dig it back out
just to see the contents and reminisce
maybe for that 10 years, we'd plant and water a tree on top of where we dug
to remind us that even our memories contain life
if we had a daughter
you'd personally teach her about what sex is when she reaches the age of 12
if we had a son, I'd personally teach him about what sex is when he reaches 14
or when they come up to us and ask about it
whichever comes first
before we have children
we'd create a fund
after 18 years
our children will be able to choose freely whichever course they desire without any chains binding them to us
because we saved for 18 years
C - i feel like hugging you right now...XD
I'd be constantly pushing you to work harder
when you look tired, I'd hug and you offer you a full body massage
if you happened to get aroused, I'll have sex with you until you fall asleep, unless if you decline
I'll be maintaining my health everyday
to make sure I'm fit and
looking good for my queen in her chamber
C - lololol
I'll be very firm with my decisions
no when a no and a yes when a yes
responsibility and leisure have no mutual compromise
I'll push myself to the limit
even when I'm tired, I'll keep on going
and hide my fatigue from you
but I'll still be honest to you
if you ask me
a simple question
"how are you today?"
everytime you do, I'll kiss you regardless of where we are
even if we're in front of children or the crowd in the shopping mall filled with random stangers
I'd still kiss you gently at your lips
or if I feel a sudden shock of embarassment
I'd just hug you real tight
and if I feel embarasses to do that as well,
I'd just hold your hand really tight
and never let go
C - i can't imagine us being kissy in public ...LOL
"thanks for asking"
C - like u always do
and I'd write poems for you
and read them out to you
even when they're poorly composed
and to laugh at
I'd still do it
to keep the passion of our love alive
I'll remember our anniversaries
I'll try to remember as many little moments as I can while we're together
I'll give you surprises when you least expect them
and most of all
I'll make sure you smile genuinely every single day
I'll bring you joy when suffering exists
I'll provide you a dreama when reality hits you too hard
I'll give you my breathe if your heart stops
I give you my soul if yours is in danger
and there's more to come
this is my vision of us
it's not as perky as Wawasan 2020
will you marry me C?
a marriage speech!
lemme save this
and that was how it went.
I shall keep my words closely.
This is my heartspeak.