Wednesday, April 29, 2009

To Feel Inspired Again

3 weeks!
Sweet lovin' holidays.

Too much relaxation ain't good for yourself I guess...

Hmm... Guess I better start looking for a new window of inspiration.

I always have my music.

Well, it's just that sometimes they just don't offer that extra kick.

I'm looking for the glitter of light that'll reignite my burning passion like motor lubricants in a motor engine.

Man.. I really miss literature.

Written pieces are such a delight to indulge.

It's rare to find one that really suffices my soul to its core.

But that's the one thing so fascinating about words aren't they?

It's like treasure hunting. When you read a book, you always look for that special something inside it. Well, maybe not just books. Maybe, perhaps even articles, poems, fiction.

How I miss literature so much is incomparable to the prospect of wealth and value.
It's of something far greater.
You might understand what I'm rambling about here if you've actually felt inspired by reading 3 words on a random place during some random time and the words just hit you and *ding* inspiration comes like a flash of light.

Owh, those are advertisements. Not books or poems. Just a line. A phrase. Sometimes normal, but often cliche. Well, you know how the world or ad works.

Imagine what words can do in this world.
They change the way people see things.
It changes beliefs.
You could say, it's the very essence of where speech obtains its unusual power.
Come to think of it, inspiration won't come so easily is it wasn't for the invention of words would it?

But I've been curious though.
If cavemen were illiterate during their paleolithic age, how do they feel inspired?
Perhaps by the colours of sound or visual.
Or maybe even through the sensations of touch, and feeling.
From when the first epoch of peace evolves in their hearts.
And hence sparked the concept of community.
Which then moved on the the very age we live it.

So to be exact, inspiration does not just come from words. But they can originate from anywhere. As long as the mood fits the particular moment.
And then *click* inspiration.

So, if you ever feel like a sloth, which I think I currently am, try looking around your house. Or your neighbourhood. Take a walk around your garden. And be amazed of what nature can tell you. Gaze over the magnanimous beauty of roses, lilies, orchids, or anything else for that matter.
Even sugar canes can give you great insight. If you look at the right nooks and corners.

The sound of the winds can often represent different days in your life. Like the sunny still winds, which is the very replica of the feeling of calmness in our lives. Almost to the part of boredom. But it's still peaceful.

Then there are days when the winds are breezy and cool. It's like the winds are whispering to your ears, telling you that today's the day for great things.

And of course, there are days when the winds are stormy and heavy.
Like rage and sorrow within our hearts.
So much to bear, but by looking at the movement of those tiny little waterdrops, you know deep inside that you can slowly move on. Progress.
Like the tiny little drizzles falling from the sky.
Like how those small forms of liquid, fill a cupped leaf with a handful of water.
Which is like the energy bar you have within yourself.

But do bear in mind of the winds of conclusion.
Many of us miss it at times.
Pop quiz, do you know which one is it?

Haha, lets just spill the beans.
Well of course, its during those days when the winds are cool, yet calm, and the rain droplets fall from the sky like feather-weight blessings from the celestial plane.
And a new sparkle of the horizon burns through the bright blue sky. And dyes it with the pigments of red, yellow and orange.
These are such days to be remembered.
As they are often the days, you feel like taking a stroll down the path you'e treaded thus far. And reflect on your long past.
Of many steps.
So many steps...
Some were on the right track.
And some drifted to a place elsewhere.

I do hope, I can make full use of my blog from now on.
I want to inspire the very people who visit my blog.

And they can always access this if they feel the need to read again.
Books are fun to read.
But reading it once is sometimes never enough.
You'll be surprised at the amount of things you missed on the second read.
If you do come across a fascinating book.
Lend it to someone. And let that person share the indulgence you felt.
And pass it on to others.
To create a chain of inspiration.
We humans always strive to live with meaning.
This is one very simple way of doing it.
Maybe perhaps 6 months later.
Your book returns.
Open it up.
Read it again.
And you'd feel like you'e just met again with a very old friend.

Alright, I'll sign off now. Time to level my Thief up in RO. Just 7 more joblevel and I'm on the way to being a full-fledged Assassin! In-game of course.
Hehe.. till then.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Birthday Resolve

Yeap, I'm turning officialy 18 today peeps.

No need for belated birthday wishes after this.

I'm fine with it ^^

Well, now's no time for words.

I MUST take my life into my hands.

I HAVE to do what needs to be done and stop squirming around like a worthless lump of flesh.

I shall list out a few goals within this short 3 weeks of my life.

I WILL make them happen.
Somehow.
I WILL.
  1. Do my exercises every morning
  2. Clean my room
  3. Clear my work table
  4. Do 100 rounds around the field
  5. Get my bathroom pipe unclogged no matter what
  6. Settle my loan issues
  7. Finish up my sem break assignments
  8. Finish up my long delayed promises
  9. Help around with house chores everyday
  10. Try out the Nando's Perify Your Art competition.
  11. Go to Kinokuniya to get designing books and look up resources like my lecturer suggested.
  12. Practice on my Illustrator
  13. Get my Thief to change job into Assassin in IRO
  14. Get my Swordman to change job to Knight in IRO
  15. create a merchant good enough to vend 39z pots in IRO
  16. Finish a good novel
  17. Finish up Neverwinter Nights 2
  18. Making sure all of the above happens
Alright... that's that. Now, I'll just have to make sure they happen. ^^
Godspeed~

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

A new resolve

Looks like that new chapter I've opened a while back is about to come to and end.

The purpose just wasn't there.

So... what did I actually put myself into when I said that?

Then I look at myself in the mirror's reflection.
The reflection I see is a a product of the trail I've left behind.

And those trails... were never straight for even once these past few months.

All of them had a turn in its end, and they all drifted me away from the original pathway I chose.

For every mistake I do, I get bitten by an ant.

Well, it's just one ant.
How bad could it be?
Right?

But later, it just piled up.

And it wasn't just one ant bite anymore.
When all the fangs dig deep into your flesh, stinging you with its venom.
Thousands of them.

That's just how it feels inside.

Enormous disappointment. Towards many things.
But most of all
Myself.

It's good to be optimistic.
Living a life of joy.
Fun.
Laughter.
Having friends.

But aren't I forgetting the real reason why I'm even studying in the first place?

I aim to be my own boss.
To freelance in art.
In any way possible.
With flexible working hours.
Only working when I feel like it.
And I can stop whenever I want.

But can that secure my future?
Will that kind of life be able to provide me with sufficient finances to continue on living?

I've been holding up up to this day.
Only through the theory of survival.
And I mean like barely surviving.
Because I've always been spending time doing all the things I want during inappropriate times.

What is it that I really want?
A laid back life?
Or a life where I could look back at myself and feel proud of?

I must go on.
Looks like I still need the promise after all.
I'm not gonna lose to myself ever again. EVER
For the sake of everyone I know.
For those who had their fates intertwined with me.
For those who had their lives affected by me.
and of course.
For someone I hold dear in my heart.
But not to forget.
For my own sake.

Today, I shall pledge to myself.
I will hold all my actions accountable unto myself.
In everything I do, I understand that there's a price.
But I realize that no price is greater than paying for self disappointment and regret.
Not that I didn't know that before, but this time it really hit me hard.

From this moment on, I shall lock a part of me inside my heart.
And unleash the flame that ignites my soul with passion.
Not to make anyone happy or proud.
But to make me happy and proud.

For my sake.
And everyone else.
I will change.

I don't want to disappoint myself ever again.
I never want to disappoint myself again.
Never more...


I'm still Osla...
But you can call me...
Zeel

Always aim for the stars and you'll never end up with a handful of mud.
MA

I'm taking over my own life, what the f*** have you been doing lately?
~Wanted~

Sunday, April 05, 2009

And yet another problem...

Assignments... are kinda hard sometimes but they're often fulfilling when completed.

Family matters, they can be brushed aside for all I know... well, most of them.

But if it's about kin, your siblings, blood brothers getting into trouble... now that is a major adversary.

If you guyz remember I did blog about my brother getting whacked on the head one night while walking back home from work after some asshole attempted to ransack him. Serves him right for getting punched, but my bro's head was bleeding real bad. If he had not the strength to return home, he might have just died of loss of blood, fortunately... he arrived home, dizzy, but he did. Maybe fortunate might not be the right word..

Now, today, I just received news that my lil bro has been harassed within school boundaries. Obviously I'd go wtf?

I mean, HIM? Getting harassed?
Oh... so now you telling me that he's always been battered in school?
What? During primary?
He got stabbed with a mechanical pencil?
Bashed with textbooks?
Punched with rugged fists?

Why haven't I heard of that before?
Yeah... because I never bothered to ask.
Or maybe, too ignorant because I had my own matters to attend to.
Great.
Serves me right eh?
What a wonderful brother I am...

So what now?
He punched a guy's face and he bled?
Uh... SO?
OWh... the mom and dad of that spoiled lil brat is making my family miserable?
HUH? HOW SO?

Owh.. first they THREATEN us to make law suits, dragged us into police stations, making stupid prank calls to piss us off. Man... they're really gonna pay one day.

Wait wait... before that, how did it happen in the first place?
Owh... right, a close friends of my lil bro apparently knows this brat and gave him some money so that the brat could help him get a game for him. And so the deal was set, money gone, and they were supposed to meet at Sunway. And guess what, the boy called. And he said, "I'm sorry but I'm feeling sick today." And so they went to Sunway alone anyways. Owh... good gawd, isn't that him in the arcade? Oh right.. it IS him...

So they just went and ask, hey... what're you doing here? We thought you were sick..?
Owh... uh... ummm...
Hey, is that from your own pocket or is it his money you're using?
Uh... umm...

SO he was caught in the red, and he made a run for it.
Great, RM130 poof gone.
Brilliant.
Wait WHA? He's a rich kid?
Then why the hell would he wanna take your money and use for himself for?
Owh... he's a psycho? He just loves to bully you?
Owh... that's very nice.

SO you see, this brat has been kacauing my lil bro in school for some time already. And he's been trying to keep it cool for a long time. My mom kept on advising him to go to the disciplinary. But hell, we all know what disciplinaries can and can't do now don't we?

Owh yeah.. I forgot, my lil bro was a prefect in school. So why not? Since he has ties with the teachers? The disciplinary teachers...

Owh... he just didn;t have the time and all. Ok fine... have it your way.
Owh so yesterday, my lil bro was having his nice scouts meet at the field behind his school.
Guess what, the lil boy showed up. Why was he there? I donno... FOR FUN?
SO he started disturbing my lil bro again.
and my lil bro..
got a lil hot tempered...
and
*bish*
he got smacked in the face with my lil bro's fist.
And his friggin nose was bleeding
HAHAHAHAHAH
Serves that person right.
But just because of that stupid incident,
it went into a more complicated maze of problems.

it's like I said earlier, prank calls, law suits and other funny stuff.
What a wonderful life I have here eh?

Yeah... damn right.

So... if I get pissed when you talk to me... I advise you to just stay away... you donwanna see me angry, trust me...

And hey
yeah
YOU
If you feel depressed about losing your lover or your sad life of laziness and shitty other stuff,
try comparing yours and mine for a change and think about whether you should sit down a cry like a hapless dog.

Well, if you've got a worse one, then good, I shouldn;t be frowning here neither. Because I ain't.
So, if you think assignments, or studies or lack of sleep are killing you already,
then... you'd better wish you don't have a life like me because in my life... I know very well,
nobody's cares enough to give a shit about my family and I.
Save your petty pities and sympathies. I don't need it.
For the first few unintentional ones, I'll tolerate.
But if it goes over the border, don't worry, I won't apologize even if I pierce your heart through with my vicious words.
Really, if you think I'm a nice person, think again.

Well SORRY, but after all this while I see people complaining their way through some hunk'o useless stuff like feeling lazy and all. And after that, some get "pissed".

Well, whoever that was, you know who you are if you're reading. And if you think yours is really THAT pissing, then try mine for a change. Dude, you wanna swap bodies?
O hey, I recalled somebody wished that they wanted to be like me.
Well ask yourself again. Are you PERFECTLY sure?


Cycling, yeah, I enjoy cycling. Yeah really, I do. Besides the fact that I got hit 3 times on the road and 2 of them was almost deadly. Had I went over by an inch for the 2 accidents, I won't be here with my body in one piece.

Hell yeah, jogging is real healthy. Real fun to. But those assholes on roads irritate me like nobody's business. Owh... guess what, a lot of you drive as well right?
Owh great, and my dad's a taxi driver. And he got robbed last month on duty.

Sure sure, I'm confident sometimes, but that's just because I know people won;t be there for you when you need them to be. SO I learned this the hard way. If you can prove it to me that people do care, then prove me wrong. I wouldn't miss the world for it.

Face it, life is CRUEL.
It's never easy.
Even Science already taught you that from its textbooks.
Every area has a food chain, and it all goes in a cycle.
Like in a pond, the algae gets eaten by the fish, then the fish gets eaten by a bigger fish, and that fish gets eaten by a pellican.

And the pellican dies of hunger or old age, then it rots and decomposes. And the nutrients return to the soil. And it fertilizes the plants.

That is how the world goes.
Many already know this, but they still refuse to accept it, and return to their blissful ignorance.
It's so happy when you don't know anything right?
But the cost for innocence...
is death.
Aren;t you aware?

Small kids, get sexually abused by their own parents. Why? Because their innocent.
Young girls get tricked into postitution. Why? Innocence...............
Baby's getting buried because they are deformed. INNOCENCE

If all this souls knew enough to fend for themselves. Then it won;t happen. Well, at least it might not have happened. Why do you people think that baby animals are the first preys for predators?
Simple... because they're too innocent to fend for themselves.

So people. be well informed about how the world goes.

I know I might sound like an asshole too which makes me no different from all those other brats because as far as I know I'm like throwing my tentrum at the very audience who visits my cozy space online.

But this is truth. I may be a first aider, but what I can do is limited. If you people still don;t wanna breakout from your sorryass depressed lives, then go get a life man. Really. Go watch Yes Man or visit motivational talks. Go get motivated. And stay outta trouble.

All the things that had happened with my family goes back to one root problem.
Rage.
Learn to control it, and it might be a better life for you.
Oh well, if you just love to fight then whatever man, suit yourself.
But learning how to channel this extra energy would be much a better thing to talk about.

We all have seperate energy levels for different things. And it is from that where we get our enthusiasm. Our inner energy.
For example, memories of your girlfriend smiling.
The look on your mother's peaceful face.
The sight of your friends gathering together to celebrate like there's no worry in the world.
Vengeance for someone who bullied you before.
Hatred for someone who pissed you have.
The depression you feel from seeing more fortunate people than you.

All this gives you energy to do things.
And how you channel it is how you produce an action. Which is very simple.
It often inspires, and at times infuriates.

Like mine, it's as though I'm mocking you all right?
Well, I don;t deny that. I mean seriously. I told you I'd be straight forward. If I hurt your feelings, I don't care, because I prefer truth than the oblivian.

If you think you're just sick of everything, think again. There are people worse than you, and certainly people worse than me. Think about them, and you might get yourselves a motivation from being empathetic towards the needy.

Living life is all about getting motivation. It's like sunlight. Plants receive sunlight to survive. If they don't, well, normal plants just die and wither. But some can still survive with water.
It's similar to us, plants' water is like the food we take to survive.
Yes.. only to survive

But if you only have a will to survive, then what's gonne happen to your will to live?
search for that sunlight, and let it radiate your path all the way through.

I think I'm in a deeper shithole than the lot of you peeps reading are. And I know a few who are far worse than me too.

So, lets just not forget that we're all humans now shall we.
During old times, Aristotle was considered a demi-God by the common people because of his wisdom and intelligence. But his student, Plato, made clear for him that:
All people are human.
Aristotle is a person.
So Aristotle is also a human.


We all make mistakes.
Believe me, everyone does.
And I screwed up a lot of times too.
But plz, just don;t feel down about stupid petty matters.
It's really pathetic.
So if you care about yourself, motivate yourself more wouldja?
How?
That's all up to you.
I can tell you how but the fun starts when you found the right channel for yourself.
From there, you can always get the necessary inner energy for you anytime you want.
And I won't have to help you anymore. Nor anyone else.
Because you have learned to be self sufficient.
So... to life.

LIVE IT.
and make sure you live it well, the best you can, because everyone is only granted one life.
but heck, if you think you can be ressurected like Jesus Christ than by all means, please, go and screw yourself up, then maybe after you return from the grave, you can ponder on all the stupid fallacies you have created unto yourself.

That's all for today folks.
If you're mad at me, then be, and channel your energy into something more important. Flaming me would be a waste of time. Because all your efforst to bother me would be futile. You might as well go and do something better. If I do infuriate you, use that fury in you to go do good. And be mad at me at the same time. Then, at least, I've achieved something. Even if I've angered someone.

TA~

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Searing Through The Days With Zeal


Gawd I'm just so tired these days...

Well, I haven't slept for a whole day other than a few 3 minute naps like twice in between my moments of extreme awareness? Uh... 27 hours counting *yawns*

Just got back from my VAD meet so... uh... I kinda slept a lot during the meet... very bad...XE

My alternate name...

Searizeel...

Searizeel Kharnex...

It's supposed to be derived from the words Searing Zealot Carnage Max

Why did I create this name?
haha... at first it was just outta pure imagination.

At first, I created Zenken, or known as Virtuous Sword in English.
And then later, I added it into Zenzaiku Zenken Zen Z

Well, I guess you could see that I was a lil' obssessed with the ZZzzzzzzz stuff heheh...
nothing realated to Dragon Ball Z though, I just thought names with the Z's sound pretty kewl hahax. XD

But when I tried to decipher the meaning using a Japanese dictionary, name became more solid, as if it has it's own meaning, and reason for being created so.

Zenzaiku Zenken Zen means... If I recall correctly, Legendary... Door... Virtuous Sword... Virtue.
Roughly in English, it'd mean Legendary Door to the Virtuos Sword : Virtue

So... I used it pretty often.
Till at one time, I felt that it was time I created an English one, which would be more comprehensible.
That's when I started feeling attracted to the sound of S in the beginning of a word. And so I started experimenting a bit of the names here and there.

And the name, Searizeel just popped up. At first, I wasn't even half sure how I should even pronounce it. But I got used to it after a while, and if the name is pronounced correctly, it actually sounds very awesome. *Note... it's pronounced as Seer-Re-Zeel, not Sear I Zeel or Seariezeel. Searizeel.
My formula for the name was simple, as I've mentioned earlier.

Searing Zealot Carnage Max

Why did I name it so?
Why not some other name like Zeiphel or Zephyr or Xerxes or Celsiuz?

Uh... don't all those names sound too familiar already?
Well, guess you could say I was just trying to be original.

But I didn't create it for nothing...
The name... represents the man I want to become.

The word Sear, represents the Flame, which is like an undying spirit, and threatens to burn to ground any obstacles in its path. This is similar to me, constantly finding motivations for myself in order to pursue my goals, no matter how difficult it may be.

Sear, also shares the similar pronounciations as Seer, which gives the impression of farsight. It means that I always try and look as far as I can, so that I'll only aim for the best, and stick to it. Also... seers appear as wise people, which is similar to making me deal with certain decisions which requires great wisdom at times, especially when in times of a needed leader.

But I always screwed up as a leader lolz... so.. bah, I'm still learning... XD

A Zealot, is a warrior of belief, faith and principles. He fights for its own ideals and shows undivided loyalty to the very thing he believes. This is a fragment of myself. Sure, I may not be a religious person, but I'm a man of my word, and once I said I'd do it, I WILL do it, no matter how long I'd take to finish it, and I always make sure that it happens, because that is my code.

SO basically, Searizeel represents who I really want to be. It's my alter ego, a character, a mask, a facade that I'd use to face my many hardships. Some may think of this as hypocritical, but invoking a character into yourself may be a good way to enhance yourself. It might sound ridiculous but yeah, it's kinda related to Persona.

But I don't force myself to be like what I write or state, I do it because I WANT it to be that way, and I know that I MUST do it if I want to be a better person.

And thus, my inner reflection, Searizeel was born.

I'm always struggling with life. I messed up in a lot of things, and really, sometimes it just hurts to fall hard a few times at once like the Malay proverb "Jatuh ditimpa tangga". But being depressed won't save you. The best way to face life is to always look for another route to reach the peak of your desires again. And so, I made it a point that no matter how many times I fail, I WILL, ALWAYS, arise and go forth towards my dream again. Because that's how I chose myself to be. I've come to realize that one day, when you grow old, you'll still be left alone anyways. So I decided to make myself as self sufficient as possible. I learned not to be dependant and to be independant. To be always giving your best in whatever you do, not just to impress people but most of all, impress yourself. Nothing is more rewarding than seeing your own piece of work putting yourself to awe, and perhaps even better, drawing people into the atmosphere you've created as well.

So.... This is actually directed to Zen.

Hey man, sure, assignments are hard, pfft, I too find it hard. But I just do it anyways. I know I'm me and you're you. But you can always try to challenge yourself and pursue higher targets. Maybe that's just the one thing you lack. I might be wrong, but it's still a guess. After all these 4 years being friends, I still find it a bit difficult to understand you.

Sometimes it's not you who feel stranded and brushed aside, but other people as you chose to ignore them, and indulge into your own realm of conscience. Not to say that it's wrong to do so, but it's perfectly ok to share. I mean, who doesn't keep his mind to himself sometimes? After all sharing is caring. It shows that you truly care about what the people around you think of you. And you appreciate their reactions. If you don't share your experiences, your knowledge, your wisdom, how can people learn to not follow the wrongs you did if you do not explain it to them? Would it not be a waste to let all these good things inside of you remain hidden forever?

Sharing achievements may be partially boasting, and somewhat arrogant. But it makes you feel good about yourself. And when people feel happy for you, you'll start feeling like the more you do, the more you can achieve. So... I donno whether you remember, but I always tried to penetrate through your thick wall of inner-self. But you never let anyone through before. I'm always concerned about you as my friend, because you helped me go through difficult times before, especially in my last 2 years in Secondary School. If it wasn't because of you, I wouldn't have defeated my depression and looked towards a brighter horizon instead of the dense and vast loneliness beneath.

You may have forgotten the post you wrote a long time ago, but I still remember it quite well. 
Here, lemme copy paste it here...

The feeling of having faith,
something not all craves for.
But the feeling of having faith,
is something worth craving for.
Sing along, have some fun,
play around while you're eating bun.
But all in all, within the fun,
there's something worth more than buns.
He takes care of you, keeps you safe,
she cooks food for you, keeps you full.
He works just for you, keeps you happy.
she does all the things for you, keeps you pampered.

Why in all of those,
no people do realize.
Angels do exist,
and no one realize.
But they're not people with large white wings,
nor do they come in snow white gowns.
they're just people like us,
and they come in colourful shirts.
Have no one else realized,
that they're never alone?
Why have the thoughts corrupted,
the minds and the souls?

You're never alone, never in reality.
If it is the role that I have to play,
I guess I have to accept and just play.
People always know, they just never play.
All they do is cower and pray.
Don't think any of us have stood our ways up.
Hell even I am just lying on the bench.
I don't want to accept the role and just play,
it is not fair to just accept and play.
To throw it upon people who don't know a thing,
To what degree of acceptance just is that thing?
When people know nothing but nothing,
quite far, I'm sure, from knowing everything.

Guardian Angels aren't one.
they are many, much more than one.
Look around, look out for one,
I'm sure you'll find more than just one.
And it is then, people realize.
angels do exist, and many already have.
The heavens are empty, with a simple reason.
the angels are here, not in heaven.

Come forth and realize,
how much care angels need.
They give much care,
and need that much care too.
To only such an extent,
words can explain.
experiences prooved,
to be the better end.

Until it has reached your minds,
and maybe even touched your hearts,
you will not come to see,
how beautiful you are.
how beautiful we are.
how beautiful angels are.
and how beautiful life is.

Who's that person, a lonely heart asked.
He's my angel, one answered boldly.
Your angel? The lonely heart said.
He's everyone's angel, the same heart answered.
Who's his angel? The lonely heart again asked.
And silence took its part.
Do angels have their own angels?
Will they ever have their own angels?
I want to know that too.

We've all been a guardian angel.
Maybe only for a short while,
maybe only for one person.
But we've been there,
we've done that.
If you think you haven't,
try and think again.

Guardian angels aren't providers, they're friends.
They aren't masters or owners, they're families and uncles.
If you really think you haven't,
then maybe you're one right now.
If you really think you aren't right now,
who knows~ you'd probably be one soon enough.

I'd like to know, my guardian angel.
and just believe and have faith,
someone's watching over me, my guardian angel.
have I not the right to know,
just who is my guardian angel?

But...

There is no need to rush.
Guardian angel oh guardian angel.
Maybe you're reading this now?
I'll wait and hope,
and pray and believe.
one day I'll come to see,
my very own Guardian Angel.

You WERE my Guardian Angel. Its kinda embarassing to admit it, but if this is what it takes to help you pursue your true self then so be it. I owe you big time anyways.^^ You practically saved my life when it was at the edge of certain calamity. You were the one who made me realize how important I was to others. That the world would never be the same again with me gone. And if I continued with my foolish ways, life would not be any better. For me... nor for my friends, and the people connected to me in a maze of relationships.
I may not understand you completely, but as far as I know, you're one of the nicest guys I've ever met in my entire life. You have a lot of patience within you. You might sound harsh at times, but being able to sit next to you for one year enabled me to see through you more clearly. I was a very annoying person, yet you kept up with me, always enduring, so that I could learn the correct ways of doing Maths. I could've even asked you about the similar questions like 3-5 times, and your tone changes as I repetetively ask you again and again, but you still endured as much as you can, because you knew that your knowledge and understanding in that subject would be able to help me.

If it wasn't for you, I wouldn;t have acquired such a good base in Mathematics, and I would have probably screwed up in my Form4/5 and SPM. But because of that one year of difference, it gave a great impact on my life, and I'm very grateful that you existed, and you're one guy I never regretted sitting next to. In fact, you were the only guy in the schools years of my life to have ever shared so much wisdom and guidance with me. In Primary, that rarely happens. In Secondary, most of the friends I know are just being friends for the sake of finding compatible people to talk with, and nothing more. Which is very disappointing to me.
But you, YOU are certainly not a no good. You're a true friend I treasure in my heart and if you fall, I'm just gonna pull you back up, no matter how deep you fall, because you did the same for me during my rough times. You're the one person I can never abandon, even when our paths diverts into seperate roads. I'll still keep in touch with you. Because you're one hell of a guy. And as far as I know, you're more deserving a man to have a happy life more than any other people I know. And believe me, you might not have noticed it, but you have always been my guardian angel. So, it's my turn now. I'll help you in whatever ways I can, Always. Just ask away~! XD I'm sure the rest would be glad to be of assistance if you just open up.
Until you've found the radiant star in your life, we'll always be here to escort you through the darkness within you. Just allow us to be a part of it so we help you find the root of your problems and if possible help you to overcome it.

Just stop beating yourself so hard down the ground man. You've still got a long way ahead of you. ^^