Sunday, May 31, 2009

Honey and Clover

It was a very long day yesterday.
I slept for like an hour or two in the morning only to find that I was late for my public duty at Sunway College anyways.

So, I just got up and got dressed. Then *swish* there I go cycling like a drunken fella with my drowsy face. Good thing I didn't hit anything...XD

SO when I got there, the crowd was...
damn small la.

Uh, anything la, I'm just there to do public duty.
In the beginning, I just followed the crowd for the Children Walk thing. After that, there were performances.
The dances were really kewl. And there was this girl with a huge voice. I felt kinda sorry for her since she was singing in front of such an unenthusiastic crowd. And her guitarist was great. Though I think she'd have sounded way better without the guitar since the tune of her voice and the guitar don't even match harmoniously. So it ended up sounding kinda off.
The cheerleaders were awesome.

Owh.. we had one casualty. A girl fainted behind the stage, then a guy from the cheerleading team carried her all the way to the ambulance. Well, no panic though. We knew completely how to deal with faint cases. Just get a place for the casualty to lie flat on, fan her and then level her legs higher than her heart level. See? It's just that simple.
Well of course, it might have gotten complicated if we hadn't watched her closely. Kudos to my colleagues.^^

Oo and there were like so many sponsors there. Milo, 100 Plus... Ali Cafe??0.o
And also Urban Groove. It's some kinda dance academy. Their students did the performance.
Meh.. I think I had a bit too much milo. I think I drank like 8 cups? XP
Free ma. Lol

O talk about free. Got McD nuggets for grabs. All there. And we didn't even ask for it. We just walked passed the booth and this guy just passed to each of us like 5 packetx3pcs each. LOL... we finished all of course. And we even took more. And then we had free nasi lemak, free hot dogs.... Uh... I started to feel like we were a place for them to just dump all those unwated things.@_@

Well they meant good but haiz.. if you were there you'd know what I mean.
So we had this brilliant idea to take all the food we had to the disaster victims. Lol.. more like the people who were standing by at the scene. So they got their things and went there while I headed back home to go for my Chinese class which will be held in a few hours.
Uh... my stomach still feels so full from yesterday...

I studied a bit for my Mandarine and I kO'd myself on the bed because of lack of sleep.
Oh well, the next things I knew my teacher was already here. So I just got up and got into the class. Uh... more like space.

1 hours later... I headed to SMK Sultan Abdul Samad for their RC night.
Gyah.. guess it was just bad timing.
The gathering was supposed to have began at 5pm. I came at 8++ so.....

Well, lets see, the schedule says
Op Speech
Com List
Lucky Draw

Well, I was already at Lucky Draw when I arrived... so...
Missed so many things.
And it was super... awkward I guess?
Everyone was in smart casual and I just waltzed into the hall with my vest and full U. Lol...
Everyone was like looking at me.
Then out of the blue, the emcee just role called me out of the blue as Rep from VAD Cabang Petaling... Gyah........... Why did I go alone....X_X

A few minutes later, Wei Leong, Mun Cheng and Nic came. O.. I was greeted by their HSL, Nic. Uh.. wait, there are 2 Nics. One is my colleague, the other is the school RC HSL.

Yeah... then we had some... "dinner" if you could call it that. Nuggets, fried rice... french fries.
O right... we had to pay RM10 for entrance fee....
Uh.. I owe Wei Leong now cause he payed for me... Zzzz
Whuddado? I had not enough moneh... T^T

After that, we joined them for their post-mortem...
Uh... ok maybe we didn't joined.
We sorta got kicked outta the, uh..
I mean, "excused" from the room.

Then the four of us crapped all night until it was like around 10.30pm.
Then after that they said they wanted to head to the disaster scene for the last shift of standby.
So I followed them lo.
Then I met with the rest of the gang there nicely having their craptalk over a messy table.
Time passed by so fast as we spoke. Lol
OO I remember this nice lady who invited us to have a drink of her Ginko Taufu soya milk. It was damn good.

When it hit 12am, we left for McD's. Who would've known that Mun Cheng was leaving last night? Uh.. this morning. Well whatever XD
Oh well, so we had a small "farewell party" for him.
Uh... right.*swt*

SO some guyz ordered some burgers while the others played with the playscape on the highest floor like children. Hehe.. childhood memories. X3

Owh, then all of a sudden Steph cried. I never knew she was transphobic.
Well, its liddat la.
There was this guy behind the space. More like around the washroom area. And he was like grooming himself there? I think..

Well she suspected that he was a transexual. And she's got this weird phobia that tells her that their scary things. SO she hid herself behind the playscape till that guy went away. Uh... Yeah.

Then after that, MC started to play with the balloons on the floor and he bursted one on FX's chest. So FX ordered everyone to grab him and he exploded a few of'em on his chest too. Lol..

After that, we were all tired so.. we headed back home.

Haaaaaa..... silent nights are so peaceful.
I enjoyed cycling back home with the company of the night breeze.
Feels so good. Though it still felt kinda eerie alone at night...
When I returned home, there were still dishes on the table with food.
It's like nobody touched them.
Haiz.. my family always like this one.
I already gave up a long time ago. There's no point in telling them anything... ZZZ

Then my lil bro turned on Wolverine.
Oo... damn nice show.

Uh, stupid Maple. I downloaded 3 times d. All oso got error. wtf man.

Then today... I just woke up at 1pm sharp.
A short while after.. it was already 3pm. And Honey and Clover was being showed on tv, so I just watched.

It seemed like the last episode.
Everyone was already heading their seperate ways.
As I watched it, I realized something.
There was this scene when this guy was about to leave his friends to go out and venture the world with his talents. Before that, a friend of his, got into and accident. He was really close with her. And it was quite obvious that the two of them had feelings for each other. But they were very good friends. The guy accompanied her with her physio treatment as she was orginally an artist. After an accident, she lost control of her right hand, which was like everything to her as an artist. But he was there to support her all the way.

He thought of many different things to get her to feel more motivated. One of them was a drawing of the map of Japan. In it, there was a route. It represents the places the guy went during his escape trip from his life. He told her that it is a series of different stages. As she completes each of them, she will be awarded with a prize. And the prize was his experiences during each of the stages in his map.

Soon after, her physio treatment went on successfully. And she regained partial control of her hand, though not complete.

Then they had a party at one of their houses. One of their friends were leaving and the girl already recovered. So they were celebrating. At first they felt kinda down because it was gonna be their last night together like that. But then, the guys just cheered the situation up and everyone just went on laughing the night off.

This guy... he was studying woodcraft. He left his work pending for a very long time. So, he decided to finish it once and for all.
When he finished it, it was all worth while. Amazing.
I just wished I had that determination like he did.
Or maybe i already do, just that i didn't realize it...

After that, he met that girl again at the garden.
They encouaged each other like how any friends would. But their eyes showed that they were reluctant to leave each other.
Somehow... they understood that this has to happen. So the girl started off saying goodbye.
And he did as well.
The girl turned behind and walked away as the guy stared at her off the distance.
As she walked and walked, she sensed that he was still there, so she turned behind and waved at him.
He waved back again.
And she continued walking.
And she stopped again.
And waved again.
This time, with a very radiant smile. As thought trying to say "We'll meet again, don't worry."

So the following day, he was gonna leave with his bus.
As he got onto the bus, he saw the girl running around searching for him. He got down of the bus and talked to her.
The girl gave him a package. And she just told him
"See you soon."
the guy replied
they both smiled at each other.
And so he got back on the bus, and as he left, they gazed at each other until it was too far for the eyes to see and waved.
When the guy openned the gift, it was actually a sandwich. When he took a piece off, there was honey and clover.
Not just any clover.
4 leaf clovers.
and they were in between every slice.

She remembered the times she had with him. The clovers was a part of how they met. Honey was a symbol of the sweet memories they had when they were together as friends. His tears rolled down his cheek as he took his first bite.
Then he said this.
"I now know how to confront my own feelings for you, i've always been afraid, a loser. But my meeting with you had made me the success I am today. But I'll cherish the moments we had together. Falling in love with you has been the greatest thing that has happened in my life. Thank you.. I'll never forget you, nor anyone. I'll keep on living the very best I can. Someday... we will meet again."

That last scene made me realize something that had always been a part of me.
Before.. I've always been a silent person when I liked someone.
I would do things disceretly, and feel happy just thinking of her.
But when I fell in love with BU, my perception changed.
And she was absolutely right.
Perhaps I'e been thinking too much about having a relationship.
Why can't I just be happy for being in love with her then?
I tried before.
It was easy at first. But after a few days, I just started to forget the feeling again, and I started to miss her more.
Maybe the main difference was that all the ones previously were just "I like her a lot" but this one is "I love her".
But regardless...
I think I've made up my mind.
I've always said it again and again that I'd do something.
But for some reason, I'll never achieve it. Even if I do, I feel disappointed with myself because I'm always rushing it.

This time.
I'm not gonna force myself anymore.
I'll see how things turn out.
By the end of this week, I should find an answer for myself.
I hope... XD

The search for an answer shall now begin.
Game on!XE
Plan? What plan?
This is my plan.XD

Friday, May 29, 2009


*cycling my way back home from college*
*phone rings*
"Osla, you free now?"
"uh.. yeah, why??"
"got Emergency.."
"Uh... what? you need to borrow something?"
"Jaya Supermarket there"
"okok, see you there in 30 minutes"
*rushed home*
*took vest*
*rushed to scene*
*calls Jas*
"Hey Jas, where are y'all? I heard the ambulance just now but I didn't see where it went."
"go behind the mall there, once you see the ambulance then correct d"
"kk on my way"
*rushes behind the mall*
*finds nothing*
*calls again*
"Eh Jas, you said behind the mall what, I went a whole round around the mall but still don't have one?? Where is it ah?"
"it's Jaya 34 not Jaya 33, where are you now??"
"Jaya 33 entrance la"
"ok, you see the green construction building across??"
"oh... THERE, OKOK coming!"
*rushes across*
*run run run, dead end*
*looks for another route*
*saw officer*
*follows him*

By the time I was there, everything was pretty much under control. If you guyz saw the news about Jaya supermarket collapse, yeah, I was there, but only for a while. It was really all cool already when I was there so I just excused myself after 10pm. At first, half of the building collapsed. Then it slowly started to fall piece by piece. When I was there, we were told that there was one confirmed dead after witnessing a piece of his corpse flying off the building (I wasn't there then so I didn't see) 2 casualties were succefully recovered and there were believed to be another 5 more casualties in the building then. But as you can see the news today, there were 3 deaths. 5 have been recovered.

Well, good thing it wasn't so bad. I was expecting some new experiences when I went there but it's not a good thing to wish for bad things to happen so that I can benefit from it right? SO... well, my team and I just stood there on standby for a while and then I just headed back right after 10pm like I said earlier. Well, I was a volunteer, and my priority was my stomach. Lol... I hadn't taken my dinner yet then. And I recalled having things to do for the class tomorrow, so I got back home ler...

A lot.. I mean, A LOT of people were there. The JPA, St.John, Hospital KL and many others. Well, that's another reason why I left. There was already more than enough man power so I felt like I could stop worrying about it and head back home to mind my own life for the time being.

well.. that was pretty much it for that disaster emergency I guess...


T^T... Missed SMKTS Teacher's Day... All my juniors say that it was tons of fun.

Wasted... all ended at 12.20pm
My meeting ended at 1.15pm.
O well... at least I got to watch Pemusnah:Pembebasan today XD
Uh I meant Terminator Salivation
Ahem... Salvation

Damn man... I just finished the meet with Shai and Wen Ly then Shai and I rushed to the cinema. Gawd.. the line was so long. SHYt...

SO I just entered the queue and waited lor......
And then I started feeling hungry.
And yeah.. I remember I haven't had my lunch.
Waited and waited....
By the time I hit my turn it was nearly 2pm already. And the show BEGINS at 2pm. @_@
Oh... and there was this random guy who came up to me.
He asked me if I could let him tumpang buy tickets for Terminator 4pm.
Well, I wasn't really in a rush so, whuddaheck y'know? Sure.. XD

Ah... I asked Shai to help me contact the guys to get me a double cheeseburger....
Uh... tak dapat.
When I got outta the line they were already there and they said they just received the message. Booooooooooo....T^T Double Cheeseburger.........
Haiz... why la I forgot to bring my phone today....X_X

Terminator rawked like totally.
But, I could imagine how I'd feel if I watched it the second time. It won't be THAT appealing anymore.
The storyline's kinda like a one time catch.
Once you watch it for the second time, everything's gonna be like too super predictable. You'd probably bore yourself on the second time watching.

SO after the movie, we hung around at the exit for a while talking about all those post-movie reviews. Then Rex told us that he left his cell in the cinema. So he went to fetch it.
He asked for one of us to tag him along but all of us just said "go ask the guard there for cinema 8 sure can find one."

And then... jeng jeng jeng... Kit's lil sister!
Uh... she went to the bathroom for a while. So she flung her pink jacket at Kit and just stormed off to the washroom.
So I was like talking to Kit,
"Wah... your sis treat you like a human sized doll only"
"yeah.. she's always like that one XD"
"oo, you should be more evil to her next time, like if she throws that jacket to you, you just toss it to the floor and "accidentally" step it, then you just give her an innocent smile XE"
"*tries to* Uh.. better not la, later she kill me @_@"
*she returns*
She came asking...
"do you guys like that guy??(refers to Rex)"
"I'm not telling XP"
Yew Chin: Shakes head
James: Nah...
Ed : smiles and shakes head.
Shai: Not really...
back to her...
"eh... he's kinda fat right?"
"huh?? who? James??"
"oh, he oso fat"
*James sulks*
"oh. she meant that you're fat but you're good looking, like Paul Blart Maul Cop"
*James sulks even harder*
"that guy in green la"
"O Rex..."
"does anyone even like him?"
"O I know one person!"
YewChin: Yeah... Anna...
"Wah, serious? He's like so fat..."
Lol.. I know he's fat la... but, uh... oh well, at least she's direct XD

His sis
"so.. what're we gonna do now?"
"uh donno wor..."
*starts smacking Kit for no apparent reason*
"Kit! throw it on the floor now!*
"Ooooo.. OK!"
"step it!"
*lifts leg and stops*
"uh. em sai gua.. XE"
then his sis goes...
"OMG, what have you done?? You know my jacket got hole or not *smacks* Its so old d I can't get this anywhere else one you know! How ah? I just washed a few days ago only now you put it on the floor, all dirty d, then I just came out from the bathroom and stepped the floor, now all *smack smack smack*
"lol... no wonder you didn't wanna do it at the first place"
"lol,you see her hand damn strong one... *aduh aduh*"
"next time you just step it la XD"
*she comes towards me*
*pinches my shoulder*
".... ko, why this fella feel no pain one?"
"haha... effects of workout XP"
And then she hugged her bro like he was a giant stuffed doll and went all around him swaying and swaying.
Then I was like
"lol... maybe you should like go to Asian Avenue and pretend that you two are a couple"
"what? Me, with HIM? No way man, he's not my type weh..."

but a few moment later...
"ko, let's go to Asian Avenue!"

Uh... wtf? =_=:
It was a fun day though.


Ei? I just checked her blog just now.
There was one line there...
It sounded like it was directed to me.
Hmm... guess I'd better explain myself IF it's me, if it isn't also, oh well, I think there'd be a time when I have to tell you anyways.

Hmm, I wonder what I said to her that made her feel like I was controlling her.
I mean... I always let her decide on her things. I just tell her whatever I need to and what's to be done next would be up to her. Hmm... maybe I approached her the wrong way??
Uh.. I donno....

Do you feel like I control you when I said I loved you?
Do you feel controlled everytime I sent you a message?

Oh wait.. hold on. I think I know which one she might be talking about.
I sent her this very long e-mail one day like last Saturday.
Uh.. I was giving her an honest expression of how I felt but in the end, I noted that "I need you to answer this to me, tell me anything at all, just don't ask me to stop loving you or stop thinking about you, because I just... can't." It was pretty pushy... But I just missed her so much then.. So it just.. spilled when I decided to mail her.

Hmm... Was it the wrong choice to be honest to her?
Uh... I thought it'd be best if she knew.
Never thought it might hit her that way...
*sigh* maybe I just don't understand her enough...

Well, for better or for worse, I already made it a point to be honest so I won't go against my word. Even if it might put a strain between us, I have to be honest. Lying to her and stuffing her with sweet stuff won't do any good in a long-term basis. Or would it?
No, I refuse to lie no matter what.

But... if I DID... make you felt like I was controlling you... then all I can say is that I'm sorry.
I really never knew it might hit you in that kinda manner. I just thought that the best way is always to just give you an honest and sincere thought rather then telling you what you want to hear. Hmm.. perhaps I need more time to understand girls in general or... do I need to understand you more?
I'm kinda perplexed. But I'm sure things would work out if we try...
Uh, if you wanna take the risk with me lol XD
I'll try my best not to make you feel controlled anymore.
But I might still push you! XP
Toldja, I won't LIE.^^

Owh, and that going out thing...
If you aren't free then don't bother yourself too much about it.
I think you deserve to hang out with the people you want to and have fun...
I somehow get the feeling that I won't be in the list.
But... that's alright ^^ Whatever makes you happy, I'll support you all through.

I'm not asking for a date or anything...
Just, well, I still feel like I wanna know about you more. So I wanted to create opportunities for us to get to know each other more before the final decision comes.
I'd prefer if it's a 'hang out' session lol.
I don't think I'd be ready for a date yet...X_X I controlling you again?
If I am please do tell me... I'm quite oblivious of the things I do sometimes.
More like... I can be quite insensitive at times.
Be direct to me.
Wake me up if you have to! XD
No seriously, just tell me off if I did something that might upset you. I insist.^^
I need to know my mistakes so that they don't repeat themselves.

Uh... guess that's my response to that line. Uh, if it WAS directed to me that is.
Regardless, I'm still in love with you.
You're always in my thoughts.
If you're not sure whether you feel the same, then don't push it too hard yeah?^^
I'm sure the answer would come if you give it enough time.
Like how I did for you lol... Took me quite some time to realize it.
But I now know.=)

The final decision is within your hands.
I'll await for whatever that decision may be. And I'll concur, you can have my word on that.
Because... I love you.
It's just as simple as that.
All I wish for is that you could be the happiest girl on earth.
If I could just be that man who stands beside you through thick and thin, then I could declare myself the happiest man on earth. XE

I still miss you...
Oh well, pursuing my dreams in my career is still important.
It'd play a major factor in my future life with the girl of my life.
So I'll always be chasing after my own life.
You can bet on that. Even after your decision has been made.

4 5863 968!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Don't Stop Moving~

Don't stop moving every singl-

Uh nevermind XD

I'm starting to get ahead of myself already. It's a good start. ^^

Heh, I think I'm one step closer to being a better man for the girl I love.

Work work work! More work and work.

Meh, I should chill for a bit sometimes.
But I already chilled a lot anyways.

OO Starbucks...
One word

Hmm.. I feel like going there again.
Uh... no money T^T


Gawd... I sure miss her a lot. Dang, I brought this all on myself.
I told her I won't sms her, or e-mail her anymore.
Uh... I feel a bit distant with her.
Well.. it's not like we were that close ever to begin with.
But guess I was really stupid to close the opportunities to shorten that enormous distance between us. Uh.. I so regret it right now.

But... maybe not so much. Since I get to focus on my work too!
I'm feeling a lot better lately.
I might have been real emo during the last few weeks.
Well, I kinda messed my head up thinking about her.
Uh, I still do though.
But now it's not a mess anymore.
It's keeping me smiling everyday.
I just hope she's happy on her end... I heard about her exams and stuff.
It's ok though, she can always try again next time. She still has time before her PMR comes.
She stresses herself so much on her studies. I worry for her.
Uh... but before I do that, I guess I should worry for mine first...XD

We had a misunderstanding before earlier.
Well, I just wanted her to get what she wanted. One of them was to be in the team again. So... I encouraged her to study harder. Well, she was also aiming for that PMR, so I thought, if I could help motivate her to do better, why not y'know? She'd be the one benefitting from it. Not me.=D

And... uh, she kinda took it the wrong way I guess.
She thought I was pushing her to study better so that she could get her mom to approve her to join the team again and then we can spend time with each other.
Uh, honestly... that's a part of my intentions.
But my priority was to make her happy by allowing her dreams to come true. Those are just a few sidestuff that comes with them. So, I thought, if I push her to study hard, then maybe later it'd be easier for her to focus on her studies, and her 7A's will be guaranteed in PMR. Besides, if she did good in her midterms, then maybe her mom might approve of her joining the team. So she can join the fun again.

O well, I cleared the air with her on this already in the very least.=)

But if you're reading this, all I can say is that please forgive me for my mistakes. I'll do my very best to not repeat them again. I just wanted the best for you. But... I guess the best for you is to let you live your own life and have your own space and let you take your own decisions into your own hands.

So... I guess this justifies the seperation?
It's not exactly a seperation anyways.
You haven't said yes to me yet.
No worries, I'm happy everyday waiting for it. I still have 159 days away. ^^
I started to think that maybe my messages and e-mails were annoying you...
That's why you ignored me for a whole week.

But that wasn't true.
I knew when you took the time to reply even a simple line to my e-mail.
You didn't ignore me.
I just knew you had something else more crucial and important to do then dealing with me.
And that you had no credit on your phone.
But... I denied it to myself.
And told myself,
"she could have just sent me a simple indication that she did receive my e-mails and smses"
"she could have just borrowed someone's phone and sms me back"
But I shouldn't think that way.
That is why, last Sunday,
I told you that I'd believe in you no matter what you do.
Because if I don't believe in you, how can I even love you?

In our previous conversation, you mentioned that you felt strange that I was feeling happy about thinking about you. And everything I do now in my life has you in between them.
That's not a bad thing.
Make me stronger.
And happy.

I'm very glad I met you.
And fell in love with you.
You give me a sense of drive I've never achieved before.

If you feel strange, then... uh... feel strange la I guess XD
I mean, if its just strange all you can do about it is maybe...
Well, perhaps try and make it not so strange? Find the logic within the strangeness?
Or... well, you could always ignore it.
But however you feel about it, it's up to you.
I'm merely expressing my sincerest emotions to you.
If you feel strange about it then... I have nothing to say.
I'd rather say things that come from the heart and let you feel strange then tell you petty lies which makes you temporarily happy.
That's one thing I know I'm sure of.
"honesty is the best policy"
it works anywhere at any given place. As truth is always the best answer.

To fall in love, is incredibly great.
To fall out of love, is dreadful misery.

In my opinion, one of the only chances of my falling out of love on you would be if you completely reject me. If you told me to wait, then I'll simply wait. That's just something very simple. I know I can do it. If I can't even accomplish something as easy as waiting, how could I ever do more for you?

I'm happy that I'm in love with you...
Because I know deep inside
that you're the right one for me.
I believe that fate has brought us together.
But whether we can really stay together, is in our hands.

Our interests may not be similar.
And we may come from disparate backgrounds.

But one thing's for sure.
I've asked myself many times before.

and again...

Do I like you?
How do I feel about you?
What are you to me?
Can I say that I love you?

and the answers came to be..
I really like you
You make my head spin in both good and bad ways
You are something I really treasure in my heart
I love you.

And of course... this is one question that's been bothering me all the time.

Can I make you happy?

I really don't have an answer for that.
I only know I can give all I have to make you the happiest girl in the world if I were given the chance.

But there's a saying which goes something like this:
"You'll be happy if you can love someone the way that person loves you"

I want to be that someone in your life.
But... that is up to you to decide.
I've told you before.
I love you all the way bottoms-up whole heartedly.
I'm not asking for anything in return for my love for you.
But if I could ask of anything for my love for you
It'd only and only be
For you to smile bright genuinely.
And perhaps, continue living on the best you can.
Whether we can be together or not, you have my best wishes.

If you say yes, then I'd go yay.
If you say no, I'd try again.
If you say wait then wait I shall.
If you reject me, I'd ask why so.
If you reject me again, then I'd walk away.

But I sure do hope if line number 5 happens, we can still be good friends.
What I'm really looking forward for though is for line number 1 to happen even if the chances are only 0.1% of ever succeeding.

Be it 159 days from now or even another 732 days from today or maybe another decade.
I'll wait.
I'll keep on waiting.
For I only have one door to my heart.
And only one person may have the key to open it.
I want that person to be you.
Only if you want to.

If you don't.. then I'll keep it at a very safe place in hopes that one day, you will come and accept it, or... if my eyes do beset on another soul before then, then I shall give her that key.

I only desire a love in which we can love each other the way we do for each other.
One-sided love is a very sad thing. Especially when you give so much love that nothing is returned.
But such is the life of the world.
It's not easy to be able to find someone whom you love and that person loves you too.

And hey, if you're feeling messed up on whether or not you should accept me as your bf,
I've got a suggestion for you.

Why not...
just accept that as a sign of confusion and let it pass from your mind?
When the right time comes, the answer will come to you eventually.
I just hope it's sooner than the day you'll give me your answer.
I don't want to rush your decision.
If I'm the right guy for you, your heart will know on the day you would present me with the answer.
If you wanna think about it, let it not affect the way you live.
But if it does, then make sure it affects you positively.
Then... maybe I can let go some of my worries as well.=)

And being a bf is one thing.
But... what I really want.
Is for you to invite me into your life
And search for the answers in life together.
Boyfriends can just be a normal boyfriend.
And you can have more than just one boyfriend as theoretically sepaking, if that person is a boy and he happens to be your friend, then he's already your boyfriend.
So I just wanted you to know the significant difference of this.
I want to be your lover.
Your only love.
We needn't be dating to be lovers.
As long as we know that we have feelings for each other.
As long as we know that we love each other
That is in itself, a relationship more than I can ever ask for.
No matter how seperated we can ever be.
Even if we're dimensions apart.

Because if we feel the same way for each other, our feelings will guide us to each other in the end. So no matter how seperated we are.
I strongly believe that
Love will bring us back together.

If you're reading this as well...
I just wanted you to know that
I've got a discount for my calls on the 28th of May.
Some service inconvenience redemption thing courtesy of Digi Prepaid.XD

It's a Thursday.
Which is tomorrow.
It's 50% off from all my calls from 7am to 7pm onwards.
It's a chance for me to call you and maybe talk longer, if I have the time.
If it's ok with you...
I want to call you.
I still feel miserable for our first conversation through the phone.
I hope... the next one will be better.
Let me know yeah?
I'll sms you on that day and the night before,
to double confirm if you have the time.
If you can't then...
It's alright.
There's always other opportunities.
Though, it'd be a shame to just waste my discount.
I don't have anyone else to talk to but you.
Well... I mean.. uh... talk through the phone...

Alright... I need to keep my pace up.
Let the rush begin. ^^

Monday, May 18, 2009

Time Attack!

College assignments ain't getting any easier as expected.
Time to really get serious.
No more time for slacking.
I have to make room for myself to be able to spend time with her!
Uh, unless if I'm too busy then I guess it can't be helped...X3
Naw, that's an excuse.-.-
Screw it, I WILL make free time for us.=D
I'll make sure I finish all my work by the end of the week.
No buts and crappadiloes.
I'm gonna make this work awright! ^^
Lets get started! XD
*energy bar exceeds maximum level*

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Around and around in uh... Ovals? 0.o

Man I'm not even sure if I should type this.
Bah, whuddaheck I'm already here.

Last Saturday...
I called her?

shyt man...
I think I screwed up big time. Haiz... X_X

Well, I just thought maybe we could have a 1to1 talk for once not in msn or e-mails.
Not like we ever had the chance to ever have time alone to talk to each other face to f-
O wait... she said she had webcam! AIIIIIIIIII...
Deng aaaaaaa...

but still...
Oh well, I talked to her for about... 1 and a half I guess?
meh, I read that the Digi FnF rates was like 15sen a min. So I wanted to give it a try anyways.
After the talk... 1 1/2hr =90min =90x15= RM13.50
Luckily I just reloaded my phone... XD

Ah... how should I say this...
It was awkward all the way through...
Like....... supercilious extra heavy awkwardness...
There were plenty of "..." and "yeah?'"s in between our conversation.
And the things we talked about...... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Some of them don't even make sense.=_=
I'm like feeling so shitty right now.
Uh... not shitty, just unparallelled embarassment.
Which is somewhat close to shitty I guess... X3...-.-;

But... if I see it in a different light, it did do us some good actually.
Uh, mainly because we never really talked to each other as casual friends.
It was always just business stuff. Rarely casual stuff. Uh, until I actually got to know her better and asked her out of course. But, it's not like she's my girlfriend now. She already expressed that she didn't want to get a boyfriend yet. But she gave me a tiny sparkle of hope though. Well, that condition was to wait for her answer. Yes or no..... we'll see if my waiting pays off heh XE

But the things we talked about still are pretty limited frankly speaking...
Noone could be blamed for this I guess. Why even bother blaming anyone?
We just don't have anything much in common that's all. But I still love her nonetheless! ^^
I don't love her because she's interested in this or that or she likes this or that. I love her because she's just being who she is. Yeah... that's about right. =)
I love her. I don't just "like" her anymore. Or "really like" her. Or have a "major crush" on her. Or even "so into her". It's just that simple now. I love her.

So... the call was something like and ice-breaker between us.
It's been a very very very very very very very...
Uh, I just can't stress how loooooooooooooong we've never had an actual conversation face to face talk or having to hear our own voices through a line.

But it was kinda kewl too when I come to think of it.
I never knew how much information I could get outta her by just having craptalk.
Still, I was expecting something more... productive I guess.
Everything I had in my head all prepped and wanted to say to her just got lost in thought the minute she picked up her phone.
Eh, more like her lilttle sister picked it up for her first, then only she answered.
Lol.. I could hear her sis kacau-ing her non-stop.
Uh.. felt kinda bad for her...

Guess that super uber nervous feeling took control over me.
So when I said "hi..." oso like gonna die only X_X
But I was kinda surprised that she actually talked to me for more than an hour all total.
I never thought we could talk for so long.
My original aim was maybe... 30 minutes?
Or worse, just 10 because as I didn't even know if I had enough topics to talk about to make it last that long.
O right... the phone line got cut all of a sudden at one point. Donno what happened. Maybe someone ter-press the End Call button or the Digiman purposely hung our lines up. -- But I called her again anyways hehe. XE

Uhhhhhh... there was one line I kinda regretted saying though. *sigh* should have properly rephrased it in my mind before actually saying it. The one I said to her sounded pretty rude.
It was something like...
"Hey... uh, why don't you try and start something?"
"uh... what do you mean?"
"err.. I mean like, all this while it was like always me doing all the start of the topics so.. why don't you try?"
"o... uh... I donno wor, talk random stuff la haha, I'm not very good at talking to guyz actually so I don't have anything much to say when I talk to guyz. Besides, I only talk to guyz when there are other girls around, not like a 1to1 kinda setting"

Uh, it sounded weirder in the real one. I just rephrased it again to make it more understandable lol. =_=;

But seriously, that part when I said, "all this while I was doing all the talking"
Shyt, what the hell was I thinking man.
It was as though I was implying that she put no effort at all in trying to talk to me.
I just hope she doesn't take it the wrong way...
If I could have rephrased it, I think I'd say,
"hey... um, why don't you try starting a topic for a conversation now? Well, it kinda seemed like i was crapping a lot and you were just replying to everything I had to say so... why not turn the tables for a change? I didn't mean to have a conversation that was ALL me only... sorry... I'm sure you also have things to say too... right? ^^"

Uh chup... isn't this almost the same with the previous one? Uh.... or is it just supposed to sound that way? X_X

Hmmm....but I really enjoyed my time with her.
We never had much serious talk, almost near to none. But it just felt... very easy to talk to her even with all the nerve wreck I was feeling. It was like the longer I talked, the longer I wanted to stay on the line and the more I didn't wanna hang up.

And her voice...
Her voice...
Just so lovely.
I never realized that it was so pleasant to listen to until I actually talked to her.
At first I always thought that she just had a deep tone to her voice.
Now that I've actually talked to her for such a long time, I realized that it wasn't just deep, but pleasant to hear as well. It's like, not matter what she says, even if she scolds you, it still sounds sweet somehow. Haha... I think I'm having a euphoria now lol.

Owh... and I think I understand her a bit more after the talk.
She's... the kinda girl who... takes things as it is.
I guess you could say that she's very simple-minded.
She only does things when needed and she doesn't go all fancy for anything.
That probably explains why she said that she never had any hobbies in particular.
Her daily schedule's like, do finish her schoolwork, maybe go on the computer for a while, watch tv then sleep.
Uh... wait, hold on a sec. Isn't that about what almost every teenager do these days? 0.o
But yeah, she's very simple-minded.
In school, she just goes with the flow, follow some regular friends during recess, hang out with the same people, does all the work given to her.
She's pretty active in her societies, but I'm surprised that she doesn't meet much new people.
Hmm.. maybe her field of work requires her to be with the same people only?
Send letters, write letters collect documents, write minutes...
uh... yeah, I guess.

But she plays Maple. So, that's considered a hobby right? XD
So basically... she's pretty flexible.
Like... she doesn't have anything much to follow like favourite tv programs and such. Maybe only her extra tuition classes?
Hmm... with her current situation guess it's kinda inevitable.
Well, everday after school she's dropped of at her grandma's place. So the only things she could ever do there is like her schoolwork, maybe help around the house, take care of her younger relatives, sleep and if she could watch tv, she'd probably be too... nice to even change the channel to what she wants to watch. When she gets home, it's already like 9pm? So little things to do in such a short night. So yeah... inevitable...

But... getting to know her better and understand her better. It's... priceless y'know.
I think I love her more than ever.
Well.. after that call, I had trouble getting to sleep.
My head couldn't stop thinking of her.
So everytime I woke up again I'd send her an sms saying stuff like "I can't stop thinking about you"
Uh... but now when I think of it, those stupid smses might have disturbed her good night sleep. *sigh*

Come to think of it, her situation actually inspired me in a way that... I think I shouldn't shackled myself with boundaries of a timetable and just do whatever I want when I want. Following tv programs at specific times and always waiting for that right time to go for jogging and stuff are just such a pain in the ass sometimes. Keeps me from being more productive with the time I have.

Today, I just slept for as long as I wanted, and when I finally got tired of sleeping, I just got up, ate lunch and my other stuff, an went straight to my work, uh... assignment I mean. It feels more free now for some reason.

I used to think that I always HAD to do this stuff and that stuff at this particular time and all. And if I missed that time, I might as well just wait till the next day or something. Which is kinda stupid but yeah, I've been doing it for a looooooong time. Now when I see the way she lives so free even with her cramp schedule it felt like I could do anything. So now... it's like I know I don't have to wait anymore. I can always do things until the right time comes, and then continue again later. Heh... I guess I'm lucky to have met her.

Since that motivation talk by Tatsun, I've chosen to not believe in luck. But as the days pass by, I see that luck influences many things. Because if it's not coincidence or fate, then what is it? Fortune? Or someone purposely set things up in a way that things are supposed to end up etc and etc. Luck of course!
Eh... chup ah. But if someone says that this guy or blablabla got natural-born talent, that's pure BS. Talent comes from effort and a bit of luck and perseverence. It doesn't just comes like rain from the sky.

I wouldn't say that I was fated to meet her. Fate's a bit too dramatic a condition. So.. I was lucky to have found her... I guess? I didn't make any effort to find her... at first. I mean, uh...
It was more like I climbed my way up not knowing of what I'd get. And suddenly along the way, she showed up. And we met. That's luck right? Then we got seperated for a while.
I forgot about her for a while. Then circumstances brought us together again. And we had some small reunion. And some feelings started resurfacing within me. And since then... I was sorta "looking" for her all the time. Guess I was falling for her ever since we met for the first time.
Uh... love at first sight?
No.. more like I sorta got attracted to her only at first.
Then I slowly contemplated with my own feelings with the passing of time.
Asking myself again and again if I just like her or do I had stronger feelings of her than that.
I forgot about her when the SPM spree came in. I was too busy to think of anything but my studies. So that's how I kinda forgotten her for a while I guess.
On the following year, we met again in a society meeting. So, my eyes were on her since then. And on my birthday, after considering all my other options and double-checking my feelings for her, I finally told her that I really liked her. Just "really like" a first. And a while later, it started to slowly convert from l-i-k-e to l-o-k-e to l-o-v-e.

She was surprised at first of course when I said I love her. I mean, it was kinda short considering how long we've actually known each other and actually known each other for real. Then I just said "I love her" outta the blue. Who wouldn't have doubts?
I... doubted myself as well.
But, I knew the feelings were there. So, I said it without hesitating.
And I've been loving ever since all the way to this very moment.
I only want to love her even more in the future.

Uh... BU, (I can't reveal her name yet sorry... hehe... so I'll just dub her with this name because it sounds like Beau when pronounced simultaneously. Well, she is undeniably beautiful XD) if you read this, I just hope I didn't offend you in any way. I'm simple expressing what I feel to my "diary" and maybe those who care to take a look into my little world. I understand that you said you didn't wanna be known, so I kept you as anonymous as possible. But meeting with you has brought so much colour to my life. It'd be a waste to share it with the people who care to know about me wouldn't it?

Regardless of what I said earlier. I just want you to know.
4 5683 968
4 732559 5683 968

If got any updates, I'll post it here, uh... if she allows me to after she sees this X_X
KK ciaoz!

Friday, May 15, 2009

I Am Fool!

This very moment,
I sit on this lazy chair,
Facing this brightlit screen.
Typing a few crappy lines.

Hold your horses....
Crap may be utter rubbish,
Stories shared by an old drunkard,
Over a tankard of tavern ale,
If met by chance.

But heed this words of a fool,
For my rubbish may...
Perhaps make you the greater fool than I,
For I've tasted what it is like,
To live a greater fool.

For years I've waited... waited... and waited...
Many dawns and starlit moonskies have passed since.
This eternal longing of mine,
Has finally be brought to an end.
For I shall no longer gaze at those paradigms of nature,
For those captivating inspirations, nor motivations.
For, I've discovered a pair of jewels,
Which will remain visually stuck in my brain of a fool,

They give me everlasting motivation,
Like an undying fire,
Running on Immortal's fuel.

They provide inspiration,
For the dumbfounded fool I am.
Strumming the strings of a tuneless guitar.
Yet rhythm still echoes.
As great insight
Outdoes even the crappiest strings.

I've been lost in an abyssmal ocean once.
So lonely...
Such immense deep grief,
It's such a sad place to live in...
But I swam my through it.

As I swam,
The same suns shone brighter light.
The similar starlit moonskies seem to smile back.
The passing of each day felt warmer even when it rained.
And they found me.

Those jewels...
They found me.
As I found them.

I've never thought that it was so nearby...
Only a matter of inches away.

These jewels were perfect spheres.
Like pearl, yet diamond-edged.
They emit a soft feeling.
Barely outstanding.
Yet strong and powerful.

In each individual jewel,
Was a jet black gem,
So pure and dark,
Yet gentle and lovely.

As I gaze at them,
I could see the reflection of an array of lights.
Which then slowly forms into a reflection.
A reflection of myself.
As I delve deeper beneath it's surface,
I could almost picture myself in the imminent future.
A very bright future together with the owner of the two jewels.

Their owner knows near to nothing of their existence.
Oh~ How I wish she knew... How I wish she knew...
Her strands of black lines weave like silk when caressed by the breezy winds.
Her smile radiates with infectious smile-me-backs.
Her cheeks enhance her cherry-sweet smiles.
Her small frame makes her so likable and adorable.
Together with those jewels,
She's beautiful.
Far more than anything I've seen on the earth I've walked.

Yes.. For the answer is simple.
I've fallen in love.
I'm positively sure of my heart.
But can love overcome fear and doubts?
It's not impossible, but its not generally known possible neither.

That's why I've realized.
That uncertainties continue to linger regardless of circumstances.
The best way to fight it,
Is to adopt "fool" in ourselves.
Engaging with an eternal search of answers to uncertainties.

What if I'm a fool?
I'm only in pursuit of the love of my life.
And they'll disappear if we decide to stay ignorant.
So... ask yourselves
Are you ready to embrace the fools inside you?
Then ask again,
Who's the greater fool now?

Is it me, the fool himself
Or the one who denies the fool within?

Written for the one I foolishly love...
I will always be a fool for you.
I love you, I really love you, and I wanna love you even more.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Thus a new season begins.

I feel rather disappointed of myself for not being able to do the things I really wanted to do during my short holidays.

But no days were wasted nevertheless.
I never finished all the tasks I wished to do.
But I did accomplish some other things I never though of.
So, all in all, I still did something good with the time I had.

Meh.... gotta beat expert first. Then I boast about it more. Fufufufufu~
Envy my brilliance mwahahahahah~

Now, time to keep on looking ahead.
No point rummaging through all pages in the grimoires of our past anymore.
Might as well create new better ones now ^^
Looking forward to a new bridge to hell now.
All the best to everyone.
Godspeed comrades.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

An Awakening

On Thursday night, 30th April. The VAD 76 detachment had a sudden meeting.

I was a little tired from my paintball game before but I still went anyways.

I was thinking...
Maybe I'd go through the same crap again as I always do in the previous meetings.
So I didn't expect much.

Despite that, I still took the time to put on my full uni.
Glad I did that though.

Never knew that'd be a uniform check in line.
Man... marching rawks! Ah... memories.
SO... we did a little marching for a few minutes and headed back to the special Auditorium booked for the night.

Well, usually the place we use ain't that big. Just a small classroom by the corner. But this time, that place was humongous.
It's like a built-in cave in a man-made building filled with extravagant seats.
Owh man... were they comfy.

And so... we went on with the agenda.
Main agenda... Youth Camp committee re-election.
Was a bit of a hassle, and as usual, everyone was pushing the jobs to each other again. But I managed to find a post I like. EXCO Kebajikan... Err... counselling was it?^^

Well... then there was the Sunway dinner, which was cancelled in the end because nobody bothered to give an answer when the chairperson was speaking in front of the audience.

Uh... kinda regretted it though. Everyone just ignored her briefing and had enjoyed their little side conversations. Not that I was't part of them. I admit that I was also in. But I think I weren't as bad as a few other people. But those people should know.

And when I turned behind. FX was there~!
O.o When did he sneak in?
Oh well, it doesn't matter.
He's here, that's a good thing.

Jas was smacking the table a few times because we were so noisy that she couldn't control the crowd. Felt kinda sorry for her, But I know better not to ask people to shut up.

But a surprise happened. FX... started scribbling some words on the whiteboard.
I paid close attention to what Jas had to say. And also what he wrote.

S.O.P and Formalities...
I tried copying them but after that, it got erased, well, mainly because he were so indulged into FX's moving and awakenning speech.

Well, this was what happened...

*FX steps up in front of the crowd*
"What time do you all want the meeting to end?" in a rather loud tone.
*crowd breaks into silence*
"10.45? 11.30? 11? 11.15? 10.45? 10.15? 9.30?"
"ok, I'll ask y'all again.. What time do you all want the meeting to end?"
*I raised my hand awkwardly, a small handful doing the same. Maybe just 3 out of the whole group of almost 2 dozen people.*
"so majority is 10.30 la ha?"
"yes" little inaudible voices murmurred gibberishly but was still recognizable.
"AT the rate you're all going, you'll never finish your meetings by 10.30pm. Why? Look at yourselves. You of all people should know better why we can't finish it on time. Which is why I decided to bring back the uniform system into the detachment. Your attitude is going out of hand. So from now on, your behaviour during meets will be subject to punishment. Yes, I'm bringing back the pumping system. When Jas hit the table once, I was about to give y'all 10 immediately but I didn't. So consider yourself lucky.

"The team is not functioning properly. From what I can see, it's a total breakdown. A total complete breakdown. When I'm there, it's always good all the way, but when I go away, the whole thing starts falling apart. Like this, I've already failed as a commandant. This is not a running body anymore. It's just a group of friends who are here to help me when I'm around and start sleeping when I'm away. This isn't gonna cut it. So this is why I'm bringing back all these things along with the Standard Operating Procedures. Anyone have any objections? I don't care anymore if you wanna leave after being punished. It's all up to you. But the team MUST run."

After that, the whole meet was a smooth sail. We went on in detail about the SOP and covered the duty which just falls right after our meeting, which was like the day after? Dang... had to be there by 7am some more... Uh, and the meet was kinda dragging to almost 11am. But it was more productive then our previous meets. I could see it.

So the team's only gonna get busier and busier. But that's a good kinda busy.
I can only hope that things get better and better.
And of course, I won't sit around doing nothing.
I'll do my part the best I can.

All the best for VAD76!