Sunday, June 28, 2009

Understanding Misunderstandings

Everyday, we all do lots of things.
We live our own lives, do our works, meet with people, hang out with friends, learn new things and this process continues till the day we die.

What we always miss out however, are our misconceptions on the things we always believed to be true. We humans are and odd bunch. We often believe things very easily just by hearing and assuming, but not by thorough research supported by solid proof. This is when an understanding on something turns into a misunderstanding instead.

Whenever we try to understand something, we always look on the surface before going into the deeper parts of it. This is when sometimes, we get into the details of the surface too much, hoping to gain more understanding, but what we forget however, is that sometimes, what makes the things exist in its balanced state of harmony is because of what it is inside out.

"inside"
We always overlook that fact.
I really empathize for the people who always get misunderstood.
I've been through that shithole for 5 years in Secondary. Primary was full of harassment, which is much worse. Secondary was a dramatic improvement.

Now, it really pains me to see more people going through the unnecessary problems in their precious school-life, which they'd only experience once in their whole lifetime. Who is it to blame for all the mess caused? Is it the people who misunderstand the certain person, or the person who's misunderstood?

Such cruelty in the world we live in now. True, life used to be harder before with all the wars and bloodshed with the constant yearning for peace. Now that we have it, we're all conrtibuting to the damage of our own growth, polluting the generations to come with leisure and luxury with no worries at all whatsoever. Is it really best to "not let someone go through the horrid experience we did?"

When you come to think of it, people who don't experience them never learn and tend to become pig-headed and all high and mighty. But when they fall, these lots find it very hard to climb back up. Because the word "hardship" isn't cultivated in their minds since childhood.

So, do we blame the parents now? For raising their kids so effortlessly, letting them enjoy the taste of freedom without any boundaries?

Many things play a part in this. But the root problem now comes from the misconceptions of the society. They think that living completely peaceful lives without letting the younglings know of the many darknesses of the pasts are always the best. But is it really practical for the generation to come? Those who never understood what true suffering is. Without any fear of it whatsoever. Always taking life for granted.

Alas... there's nothing much we can do. But what we can do... is do what we know. If you know anyone who falls under that category, don't hesitate to help. You'll never know when they might fall. Think about it. When you become and actual parent, make sure you really give proper guidance to your children, and don't repeat the mistakes our generation did with the current youth.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Time to change the spreads

Gyah, I'm just getting sick and tired of all this wistful thinking
It's about time I started thinking its not even worth my time thinking about pointless stuff.
Whatever that will happen in the future is not for me to determine.
Plans can be made, but throughout the end, it is not us who determines the future.
We only are apart of the future, not the architects of it.
It is true that we make ourselves who we are, but that is merely changing oneself in the face of the future, not the unpredictable future of this world.

Whatever it is, it's no point dwelling on it anymore. If we plan, make sure we execute it, if not then might as well don't plan at all and just go "oh whuddaheck lets just do it already" with the cincai attitude.

There are many things which are beyond my control, it's about time for me to face the cold hard facts. I can't change shit about those things I can't even touch. So quit dreamin already dreamer boy!

It's time to go out to the cold hard world of reality and stop remaining in the caged illusion of fantasy I constantly dream of living in. Living in surrealism is just about the same as denying your own existence. I exist. I will prove my existence my own way.

I really don't care what other would think anymore, I'll just do things my own way.
Slacking and lazing around, that just isn't me man. What happened to that hyperactive boy I used to know? The one who wouldn't sit still until something is done at any given day.

Start with what we can huh?
OK then, I'll start with helping myself.
How can I help others if I can't even help myself?
It's time for me to stop focusing on other people and shift that attention over to my own life.
I must live for myself.
If not, then my parents raised me up to the man I am for what?

I'm gonna take this life head on now.
C'mon dipshits! Here I come!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

A breather

Today was the usual. After my Calligraphy class, I stayed back for a bit, then headed back home. Got my lunch, then headed out to CES Language Centre to pay the other half of my yet to commence class payment, which I think would be beginning in this coming July or August. Rest assured, I'll be called if there are any updates.

When I got back, I felt tired. Well, I''ve been out for 1 and a half hours. And out of that 1 and a half, 1 hour was spent on cycling to and fro. So yeah.. I was tired.

I was planning to go to Maybank, but I decided to go another day.
I was just too exhausted.

But when I returned home, I saw the PS2, and I thought about how long has it been since I last DDR'd. That'd be about... 2 weeks?
Uh, I played it for a while of course. Man I sure sucked big time. Well, it has been a long time since I last played. And my scampy trousers were too long for me bare feet. So it was like wearing long sleeves on my legs. But I managed to past some difficult modes.

While I was playing, I kept on hearing the computer shout out "Calm Down" when my moves started moving in a disarray, in other words, failing miserably. I paid no heed to them at first. But as I kept on trying and trying, it kinda got to me, so I calmed down and relaxed for a bit and I continued.

I was surprised by how well I did right after. Not perfect, but much better.
So I thought to myself. Calm down huh?
Maybe I've been taking things a little too seriously lately. I think I kinda get what my friend who's still in America told me when she said "try to take things more neutrally". I was arrogant and full of myself back then. So I always got back at her when she tried to tell me something. But now, guess what she said back then was right all along.

Maybe all these frustration started welling up inside since I "started" to act like everything mattered. They did, but those weren't solid reasons to why I should be in such a chaos. Everyone else has their own problems, but they don't look very worn out of their own life do they?

In class just now, there was one line a classmate of mine said, it went like "nothing would come for the hesitant man" and "look before you leap"
Those two lines are amazingly contradictory to one another, but if you look at it from another view, if you were to practice both at the same time, wouldn't it be an ideal quote already?

Like, don't hesitate when you do things, but when you start something, make sure you know full knowledge of what you're doing, or at least gone through the thought thoroughly first before actually executing it. Meaning to say, we shouldn't hesitate when we wanna do something but when we actually get to it, we have to be careful of what we get ourselves into. If that something is a negative thing in nature, then look the other way and find other things to do. I mean, there are a lot of things to do in this world, we aren't caged prisoners who've got no choice but do their time in jails. Surprisingly, even prisoners have things to do while they do their time, so why can't we normal people do the same then?

So I have two key points now.
Push Myself.
and Calm Down.

If I push myself too hard, I'd burn out right?
But if I calm down myself too much, I'd freeze.
So to speak, I need a balance of the two.
How about, I push myself forward, but do it calmly?
I've always been in a rush, and when I do, it's pretty common for me to miss a few thoughts along the way as rushes pincers the mine to a state of desperation when your mind could only think of one thing and one thing only. Well, most of the time.

But if I go on ahead, and always have a clear mind of things, then that would definitely help me in pacing myself would it not? Lets take things slow. Like I've said before, "Lets start with things we can do." This is something I know I can do. So why not? In fact, I've always been doing it, perhaps I just didn't realize it yet till now.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Time is going by so much faster than I~





Lol...

This year ah... I really really hope my juniors can win 0.o

Whuddado, these people haven't been training for so long d. When they come for training oso, all like so mong cha cha dei one last Saturday.
Like just come, march for a bit, don;t care how good the marching is, then ciao after the whole thing's over.

Ape la... -_-

But they're doing good. I managed to get the whole team back. Wohoooo~
Yesh,and I never downed them once oso. Keng leh....

Eeeee... damn noob la the team. Why so many people (boys especially) so scared when Chow Ern *ahem* "invites" them to her house?
Maybe it has something to do with what someone said? "Chow Ern is scary~" XD

Too bad the full team didn't turn up, Chow Ern was making a signature card with the whole team's signs on it for Sam. If only the full team were present...
Oh well... Too bad ler...But nevermind that, the other signatures still meant great value to the receiver. BTW Sam was really happy with that gift, kudos to everyone for their effort! ^^

Sam's birthday party on Saturday night...
Lol.. AWESOME

AWWWW... why none of the juniors came? T^T
Her mom was pushing almost everyone to have booze with her.
If the kiddoes were there, I don't think she'd let you go too.
Hold on, isn't it too yougn to drink at uh... 13/14/15? whatever la its still below 18.
She said like "in this house ah, 15 can drink already"
I was like..."WHOA.... so chunted?XD"
then everyone would go "yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam SENG~!"
Haha. aih, lost to my cousin's wedding's. We had a yam seng like at least 5 minutes long. Everyone would go Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam~
then at the other side Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam and another and it just continues. Meh, they cheated of course, but whatever la, damn fun XD. Like karaoke only, just SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING your heart out~! IN Yam seng, just YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG~! as long as you can. Wakakakakaka...

Uh... too bad he got divorced a few years later... Uh. nevermind that.

My stomach... ugh, good thing it didn;t reach that limit like last year. Now I know how much I could take in the very least. For those of you who were at the Armada Hotel lunch buffet, I think you'll understand what I'm talking about. XD

Haha... OO, my first time trying Lok Lok last night. MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmm... so nice... The meatballs, the sotong balls, the stuff, OO the TOFU~! Haha, I had like 5 of those. No need to lok one, still so nice. ^^ The other sticks all... uh there were about 6 types, I ate 2 types twice so... I think that totals up to 10 sticks altogether. Especially with all the sauce. Nyammmmmmm...

Then 5 pcs of large pizza. O yeah... A plate of nasi lemak.. but the rice I took was just a handful hehe...
Whisky... 2 cups. Uh, but the cup was only filled like 1/5 of it, and its rather small, so the alcohol I took was just very little I guess.
Sam wah...... she realy damn pro man. I donno how many cups she took with all those guests there. And all her cups were really like FULL up to the mouth of the glass. Her whole face really went red that night, but damn, she's really damn good at it. Her alcohol resistance is like SUPERB. SO many cups, and still 100% conscious. *salute* not to mention that she's a girl some more XD. Must have gotten that from her mom. Hehe...

Ugh... My choc banana from Secret Recipe... NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU~! I bought it for RM70 just for the party, and I didn't even get my refund yet from the detachment, really really empty wallet... Guess what... the cake. WHOLE cake, got smashed into Sam's face... I was like...T^T Shyt...

Aih. nevermind la, happy night! RM70......T^T

But there were still some edible parts left. SO I took the big portion an just chow on it. Ok ler... so the RM70 wasn't so much a waste than I thought it would. At least it made the party all the merrier ^^

Then another cake came. *deng deng deng deng* Normal box one.... But it was TIRAMISU.... not just normal tiramisu... it's a WHISKY TIRAMISU~
It actually tasted very good. There were hints of the whisky in it. But man, it sure tasted very nice.

Meh, Sam openned the hamper I made for her. It was supposed to be on behalf of the whole detachment la. But I did most of the work. Aih, nevermind ler...
The ones who were in charge of the cake FFK last minute. So I settled the cake thing oso. Which clearly explains why I burnt so much money in my wallet so fast. The cake and the face towel with the VAD 76 Cabang Petaling were the only ones from the detachment. The 131 paper cranes and the pop up card along with the decoration and the basket was mostly done by me. Credits to all those people who helped me fold the paper cranes. But none of them were from the VAD lol, damn sad man. Then the signature card, that one full credits to Chow Ern and marching team who attended the practice last Saturday. And Chow Ern also wrote this small letter for her in a very cute envelope. The first line was "I'm very sorry..." and whatever comes next... donno. Sam just read that part out for us. My mom helped me to wrap the basket of course. If I did it alone, I have no idea how long it'd take man... And then that stupid wrapper always coming off, good thing my mom was there to help. Would've been much harder without her help. What can I say man, mom's the best~^^

The party began around 7pm ler, but I arrived around 8.30pm liddat. I was doing the last minute deco for the hamper. Then had to take my bath and collect the cake. But I'd say I came at the right time though. Everyone was still there enjoying the food, and I came just in time for the booze XD. All the food were still there for me to enjoy also. Nyammmmm... Hehe... looks like sometimes being late ain't so bad after all. Eh, I informed Sam that I'd be late ah, so she knew. Lol..

I've been doing all the work man, gimme a break will ya? XP
I was like a bit wth when I came man... Noone... noone from the VAD actually brought presents for Sam. I was like... wth man, so it's all betted on me then?
0.o

OOOOoooooo... Milk alcohol. That was very nice. I had like 3 cups of it. Small of course. The alcohol black part was just liek 1/5 as usual. Then the whole cup was filled with milk. It's a Swedish beverage I think. Man, it sure tasted like coffee. But if you get to the concentrated part at the bottom, yeah, it still tastes like liquor hehe. Have to stir it properly. Then can really taste it's fusion.

Then after that went back home ler. I wanted to walk but my mom wouldn't let me. So she came to pick me up lo.... That was about 12.04am.

Uh, right before the part, right after the marching practice, my friends came over to do our Design project oso. So full day gone just like that. We were working on some go-green designs. Materials are mostly recyclables. We finished a bit of the bottle cut wall lamp, the mirror decoration, and the platted mat. Oo that was like the highlight of the day. The two girls in my team did about most of the work I guess... Uh... feel damn bad as a guy... They mainly focused on the mat since they had a very good idea on how they shpuld do it, and they were nonetheless very good at it. So while the girls did that, the other 2 guys experimented with the different bottle types and came out with their prototype while I cut the polystrene and tried to figure out a way to put everything in place for the mirror. Uh man, the lunch... We went to McD's la... Haha, one of the girl's in my team was so pretty that the cashier just fell for her lol. Sho ordered some lunch set and then she paid like RM7.05 when the price was 6.85 or something. Then that guy forgot how much she paid just now. Then she gave a very blur look. Then he just looked at her.. Then after a while he was like "oo nevermind ler" *produces RM1* then gives it to her. Lol.. save 80sen XD

The other girl's lunch set came very late. Like 30 minutes later lol. Donno what happened. When everyone finally finished, I didn't know it was near 3pm. The whole meeting was supposed to end at 4pm. So I was like "Uh... crap, poor time management..."
We even stopped by the playground nearby my house for a while after lunch. Lol, everyone was like reliving their childhood memories. Damn funny man. And then we were like calling the guy in out team Uncle since we were all enjoying the swing while he hasted us to get back to work. XD

Haha.... what a day man...

And before that...
On Thursday, I had Design, and my lecturer asked my to recreate my logo with a paper origami butterfly. I was brainstorming on how to make one. Edmund was there to teman me haha. He taught me how to fold a heart shape with dollar notes. COOOOOL~

The class ended around.. 6.30pm I think?
Then I stayed back for a bit... experimented on the paper mechanisms and guess what I came up with?




























Paper Butterfly!

My own creation *sniff* chun leh...
Took me one hour to think of it.
Edmund can be my witness fufufufu~ I shall post on how to make it next time XE

Damn... time sure passes by so fast. The last thing I know, I was staying up late at night through the whole morning on the next day sketching my portraits on Sunday night to Monday morning, then doing my calligraphy homework at night, Wednesday all gone with painting, Thursday the Design, Friday with the Art History and the critic session while I folded like 131 paper cranes. Went to Sam's party. And here I am again this morning, sketching my portraits till... uh, 7.30am I think. Then I did some of my CG work. And... yeah, it's gonna be Tuesday already so fast. Gawd...

139 days left too...
Lolz, looks like I was damn right about time moving fast.
Well, then I should waste any more time.
GOGOGOGOGO~!

Friday, June 12, 2009

BDAY SHOUT OUT FOR SAM TAN HUEY LYNN!

Ok people.
SHe's gonna be leaving for Australia soon.
This is pretty last minute I know, but lets do the best we can yeah?
There's still time, thought not much left.

















































This is a simple guide to create a paper crane.

If that's a bit hard to understand, just check this video out.

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/387698/how_to_fold_an_origami_paper_crane_orizuru/

let her know we remember her!
^^

Thursday, June 11, 2009

uh 1ah uh 2ah uh 3ah blood drive??

Uh, this just won't cut it. I need to set a specific goal for myself.
The assignments are fine.

Now... punctuality.
To pass the first test, I shall not be late for my next classes 3 consecutive times!

AH....

My school's Sports Day is in JUNE!?
gg.com man X_X
OMG....
Good luck to my juniors la.
I'll see if my schedule allows me to come.

awright, gogogo!

--------------------------------------------------

BLOOD DRIVE SMDU '09


You must be familiar with the four seasons;spring,summer,autumn and winter but what about seasons of love?



In the hectic world of today, too many people suffer from blood loss or low percentage of blood content

in their bodies whether through accidents,wars or natural birth.

We the BSMM ( Red Crescent ) SL (Y) 180 partnering the SJAM DU Division

are working hand in hand in organizing a blood donation campaign as a volunteering philanthropic event

to show our care and kindness towards the needies by finding blood donors to help them.





Thus, we need your support and lending hand. We want you to be a hero by saving peoples' lives through blood donation.




Show your little drops of kindness, which can make a difference in others life.

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by the blood we give.

One donation, three lives. Think about it.


The need is constant. The gratification is instant. Give love, give blood.

Date: 19th June 2009

Time: 8.00am- 4.00pm

Venue: SMK Damansara Utama,

Jalan SS20/21, 47400 Petaling Jaya, Selangor


ELIGIBILITY GUIDELINES:

-ranging from age 17 to 60

-must be at least 45kg

-be in good general health with no history of hepatitis or HIV/AIDS

-at least 6 hours of sleep on the day before

- free from chronic, infectious diseases

-previous blood donation must be more than 3 months ago

-have not gone through major operation for the past 1 year

-have not gotten malaria for the past 3 years

-have not practiced unsafe sex

-have not shared the same needles with others

-have not consumed alcohol a day before

-have never tested positive for HIV

-have not had sex with the partners of the same sex even once

-do not have hemophilia or another Blood clotting disorder and received clotting factor concentrate

-have not been held in a correctional facility (including jails, prisons and/or detention centers) for more than 72 hours in the last 12 months


Men’s skin have many colours, but human blood is always red.

So come come come! Bring your friends and forward this e-mail to all who are eligible for this event.

If this is what you fear, it’s time for you to overcome it. Make this a challenge.

Be a hero that saves lives.




HELP US TOO BY FORWARDING THIS EMAIL!! THANKS

SPREAD THE WORD!!!

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Lets begin

"Lets start with what we can do"

There's no point in continuing to feel all the way down under.
I've to change.
I can't change overnight.
I'll have to pace myself and do it slow.

My current goal is to concentrate on my Design and Art History project.
Those two might be the only keys I have to finding my true identity.
In the process, I'll erase impunctuality from myself.
I'm sick of being late all the time.
Always doing rush works.
I'll learn how to effectively manage my time the hard way.

It's like what they say, "when the going gets tough, the tough gets going".

Step by step.
"Take one step at a time, there's no need to rush" eh?
Lets see how far I can go then.

Lack of sleep, here I come!

I could not help but see the 3 tiny dots of curious black forming its peculiar pattern before my Asian brown eyes.

. . .

. . .


. . .

*sigh*

How many times do I have to make mistakes for me to fully understand the problems before me?
Work's mistakes can be corrected.
Mistakes in life may not.

Damnit, this sure is one shitty feeling.

But I'm sure there's someone feeling worse than I am.
Because I've thrown all this chaos within me at them, ignoring how they felt about it. Because I was so full of myself, always thinking that I was the only one who had gone through them, and noone would understand.

I'm just so stupid.
Really really stupid. So stupid that I'm completely pathetic.
Why can't I understand something so simple?
Why do I complicate simple things?

Will asking for forgiveness light the way?
Or is it just another reason for me to look away, and ignore the fact that I was wrong, something I've labelled as "moving on"?

I've been very insensitive.
To a lot of people.
It took me this long to realize it.
It never ocurred to me before.

What have I been longing for all this while?
Self-satisfaction?
Pride?
Recognition of who I am?
Love?

Or nothing at all?

Why do I still seek a purpose in living in this world when I already hold the answer within myself?
I know, I've been pushing people away as well.
I just never realized it sooner.

I'm so confused.
I feel so....
useless.
It's really frustrating.

... I brought this all onto myself.
Noone is to blame for this.
I should've known better.

I feel guilty for one person in particular.
That person... never did anything wrong.
Absolutely innocent.
And I pushed all my frustration towards that person.
I blamed that person for everything that has happened to me.
And that person probably has no idea at all where all those out of the blue accusations came from.
That person was merely living her own life.
Being true to herself.
And I disrupted it.
I came in between her life.
I threw her life upside down.
And I still didn't realize it till now.
I even pushed her to a corner, forcing her to make a rather radical decision.
After all that, she still responded to me.
I was probably thinking that everything would have ended with what I've said to her.
This enormous pang of guilt just surged through my body right after.
I couldn't get myself a word in edgeways to explain how terrible I feel.

How could I be so dumb?
How could I be so blind?
How could I be so deaf?
I'm not disabled in any way.
In fact, all my senses are working perfectly fine.
Then what's wrong with me?

Something my friend told me hit me last night.
She said that it would be very pressuring for a person to be always talked about in another person's personal space.
I never viewed that point in this kind of angle before.
Now that I think of it... it might be true.

Therefore this will probably be the last post which has anything to do at all about her.
I'm done with making her life miserable.
I've done more than enough to make things worse.
I can never take back all those things I did.
Saying sorry will never be enough.
I'm not sure how I could compensate for everything I've done.
If there's a way, I'd do anything.
Anything.

She never wanted anything from me even to begin with. I was the one always pushing her around, wanting to do things for her, for the sole reason to make her happy, which in turn served as the opposite as I've not only caused her undesired sadness, but stirred a deeper confusion within her, because she never wanted anything, and I was so eager to do things for her. She already specified in intricate detail from the beginning that she wanted nothing, so why the heck was I so damned persistent? If it was being persistent for a good reason then that wouldn't be a problem at all, but just look at how this foolish persistence have evolved? From a simple minor mistake turned into a giant heap of guilt. And now, this karmic reversal is reflected to myself.
This tainted soul.

Perhaps... the best thing I can ever do for her, no not just her, but for anyone in that matter, is to do nothing at all. If I know my actions will not benefit anyone in any way at all, I should know better than to execute it. I'm better of leaving things the way it is, letting it go through its natural phase, without me disrupting its flow of progress.

I'm gonna need some time off to think about this.
I really want to change.
I've said so so many times before.
Yet, I'm still the same miserable old me.
Is it really that hard for change to occur in me?
Or am I just not determined enough?

It sure is damn ironic.
I was so full of myself, boasting about how good I felt just a few days ago.
Saying that I was finally myself again, and I wanted the whole world to know.
It was true, for that brief moment, I felt like I gained control of my life again.
Now, that feeling just sort of slipped away.

No... this isn't depression.
It's frustration to the maximum.
With what?
The world?
No, with myself.
For being such a dick all the time.

For everyone I've hurt before, you have my deepest apologies.
For...
. . .
for her...
I just don't think saying sorry would be enough.
It'd never be enough to mend the mistakes of the past.
. . .
Sorry.
I'm very sorry.
I...

. . .
I'll leave you be hereon onwards.
Whether my existance in your life is necessary or not,
it'll be all up to you.
I'll not come in between you and your life anymore.

I've disappointed you so much already.
I can only avoid doing so again.
The answer will come to me in 145 days time.
Or it may not...

Till then, patience will be my only company.
I'm sorry friends, but what I feel inside is better of not known by all of you.
I don't want to ruin my image of myself in your memories again.
Once is enough.
I've already learned how hard it was to earn a trust thas has been lost.
It's very suffocating.

I'll change.
Or remain the same.
Time will tell.
I'm not even sure of what I want anymore.

"to love is to want nothing at all" huh?
I'm gonna need to look at it more deeply.

Goodbye my good mates.
Farewell BU.
Hopefully not for eternity.


Friday, June 05, 2009

Tales...

Ah... it's been so long since I've felt this re-energized!
I feel like my resolve in life has been strengthened once more.
I feel like I can challenge life again.
And keep on going ahead.

XD

Tales of the Abyss.
I just finished watching the 26th episode just now, obviously the last ler XD
Brilliant anime.
It was just as good as Last Exile.
I liked Last Exile better at the ending.
But TotA's storyline line made my tears roll for a few times.
So, TotA is definitely a much better show.

Well, I loved the game. It rawked like totally.

When I watched, a lot of memories when I played the game returned to me.
It felt like I was meeting again with an old friend.
The old.. me

I really missed how much determination I had then.
But missing it won't do any good.
I shall quote a line from what Luke fon Fabre said in the anime.
"I want to change. I really want to change. Tear, you carry knives with you right?"
"oh.."
*produces knife and hands it to Luke*
*Luke cuts his long scarlet red hair*
*Tear's stunned in surprise*
"This hair will be proof of my desire to change."
"Luke..."
"Tear, I really want to change. Will you help watch over me?"
"Mhm. I will."
"I don't know what I want to do now, but I really feel like I need to do something for the mistakes I've made before"
"It's alright. Start with doing what you can."
*smiles*

"Start with doing what you can"...
I've forgotten that for a very long time.
All this while, I've always been doing what I want, ignoring all the things that really really mattered most.
My family...
My friends...
More importantly, my own life
My future.

I've just been running away, cowering from the distant future I've no knowledge of.
I've always said that I was confident with what I do.
Inside, my heart was shadowed by a mist of doubt.

Now...
My resolve in life has returned.
I remember who I really am now.
I'm...
Osla.
Osla Chan.

I'll not cower behind a mask of facades anymore.
I'll face the future with who I really am.
I'll show them what it means for me to exist!
Because, I have a purpose in this life.
I want to change the world.
I want to make the world a better place.
In my very own way.

I believe I can.
I believe everyone can do it.
It's not about passion.
Not about trust.
Not about faith.
It's just pure determination.

I shall hide behind the face of Searizeel no longer.
For I am who I am.
And I shall be the best I can be.

Greetings.

This is Osla Chan.
Nice to meet you.

Again.
^^