Monday, August 31, 2009

Wasted.

A day was wasted.

I've dome nothing but eat and sleep today. Well yeah, I smsed a bit, chatted with a few people online. But pfft, what happened? My vow is still legitimate ain' it?

No, I mustn't continue on like this. I have to get up and push myself.

No matter what, pain is only transient, it will gradually disappear along with time.
This is one truth one cannot deny.

I still remember this clip from Kami the movie just last night.
It was in the ending scene.

It said,
"Hidup memang _______!
Tapi esok kan masih ade!"

Also, another interesting quote I've never expected to encounter from an interview show. It was from a mother who was pro at suicides.

"If you're brave enough to die, then you have nothing to fear. Might as well continue living your life with that feeling than just ending it like that with no meaning."

It's time to stop procrastinating.

Hahihuheho~ =D

hahihuhehohahihuheho~

aeiou, this rawks man.

O hai yu!

o bai yu!

Jap class began today. It was a bit of a... silent class I guess. But I guess I caused a bit of a ruckus to spice up things a bit heh.

The teacher... uh, she forgot to intro herself. I don't even know what to call her the next time I see her. Uh.. Sensei? 0.o

OO Today, after that.. there was this K-Drama, Daisy. Damn, had to leave it for a Kabbadi duty.
O wellz...

I met again with good'ol Mr. Guna, he was one of the head organizers during the Futsal competition he held the other day. Well, he sure seems friendly.

O then during duty, one guy injured is foot. Uh, at first my colleague and I thought it was a cram, so we massaged it a bit. Then after a while, it got a little better. But the casualty said something like he noticed an irregularity at his toe bone, so I checked. Well, he was ... right. I asked my colleague for some further confirmation. And yeah... dislocation.

So after the games were done, I hitched a ride with that guy's coach to the University Hospital. I had a duty to make sure he was ok... so I went. Well, I never actually followed a casualty for treatment before so it's a good experience.

It's kinda funny that the casualty kena cucuk pada tangan for nothing as... lol I don't even know what that doc was thinking. His toe just needed a little adjusting and voila, done. And the cucuk was still in his vein. I facepalmed naturally.

Total time at UH was like.. er, we left around 7.30pm. Reach close to 8pm. Then we left at 10.24pm liddat. About 3 hours gua...

Lalala, have to make sure everything goes well for my VAD steamboat dinner this Wednesday. Gyah~
Challenge! More more moAr! 8D

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Koishikute

Koishikute
Sung by Uverworld[Takuya]

Kimi ni saigo ni uchiaketa
Yume no hanashi no koto wa umaku itteiruyo
Kimi to iru haza datta jikan wa
Shigoto ni uchi kondari nakama to sugoshitari
Demo naze darou takusan no hito ni kakomareteru toki hodo
Kono sekaijuu de hitori kiri na ki ga shita

Kimi no sugata sagashite shima unda
Koishikute kimi no na wo yonda yonda
Kokoro no mama ni aiseba yokatta
Sayonara no wake o nandomo kurikaesu

Owari sugata no ni kesenai
Ame wa itsumo yamu toki wo
Oshiete kurezu ni tada furi tsudzuku
Itsumo to onaji jikan doori no

Saishuu densha no naka yorisou koibito tachi
Fui ni kimochi ga ano hito kasaneru omoi wa asezu ni
Jikan wa tatsu noni kumo no harenai sora no
Namida ga mada tomaranainda

Koishikute kimi no na wo yonda yonda
Kokoro no mama ni aiseba yokatta
Okubyou ni nattetanda tatoeba kimi ga
Soko ni saku hana naraba

Mizu wo sosogisugi karasu
Mamori sugite hizashi tozasu
Wakaranaku naru hodo kimi no koto I miss you
Amasugiru mitsu wa sono amasa yue kiraware

Zetsugyo na balance ga hora
Kuzurehajimeta toki kowaku natte
Nani ga taisetsuka wo wakatta furishite
Hanashite shimatta ai wo

Wakare wa deai no
Hajimari datte iikikasate
Kyou mo boku wa
Aruiteiku kedo

Koishikute kimi no na wo yonda yonda
Kokoro ga rikai shite kurenainda
Sayonara no wake o nandomo kurikaesu
Owari sugata no ni

Ima mou aenai to wakatteru no ni
Woo~ boku wa mada riyuu sagashiteru
Sayonara no wake o nandomo kurikaesu
Kokoro ni uso ga tsukenakute

The dream I revealed to you at the end is going good now
The time I would’ve spent with you
Is dedicated to work or wasted with my friends
But why is it when I’m surrounded by many people
I feel like I’m the only one in the world
I end up searching for you

I need you, I called out your name, I called it out
I should have loved you with all my heart
I think about why I said “goodbye”
Even though I said it was over, I can’t erase you from my memory

The rain never says when it will end and just keeps on pouring
As always, like clockwork, the last train of the night
Is full of lovers cuddling close
Suddenly my emotions return to that day, my thoughts haven’t faded
Even as time goes by, the cloudy sky does not clear
And its tears won’t stop

I need you, I called out your name, I called it out
I should have loved you with all my heart, I’ve become sick
Let’s say you were that flower blooming there

If I poured too much water you would wither away
If I tried to protect you too much I would block the sunlight
Without you I don’t know what to do
I miss you

The honey that’s too sweet is hated because of it
I grew afraid once the exquisite balance started to fall apart
I pretended I knew what was most important
And left love behind

Meetings eventually turn into goodbyes
Tell me that now
But today I’m still walking forward

I need you, I called out your name, I called it out
My heart doesn’t understand why
I think about why I said “goodbye”
Even though I said it was over

I know now that I’ll never see you again
But I’m still searching for the reason
I think about why I said “goodbye”
I can’t lie…to my heart

I don't have the link for the song now as my laptop just died so... can't upload. ._.

I think I'm finally ready to post this song. I've finally memorized the lyrics from start to end, so, yeah... it's time.

This song used to shed my tears every single time it plays. When it just hits the chorus, it feels as though ym heart wants to scream. Because this song tells an unfortunate tale of two lovers who are without a doubt, deeply in love with each other. But things went astray at one point and the relationship they ahd just started to crumble. Time cannot unturn itself, so does the past. Knowing what had happened - all those small pieces that could have been worked out well if they just tried, the now live with enormous regret, in seperation, because being together is just too painful to bear. However, the word "goodbye" hits them harder than anything because no matter what pain they feel, love... is something that transcends all. But they decide to depart for the better, because... they love each other. They want to stop hurting each other with all the minor scrapes of rubbles they left behind.

And so, they broke up, with each other being completely alone. Once in a while, the feelings would come and haunt them again. And thus, this is how this song is written.

This... could be said the same for what is going on between me and her.
Perhaps... maybe it's just better to let each other go.
I do love her, but I think it'd be best to just let her be for now.
She's too young to be involved in a serious relationship.
I don't want to push her any further neither.
I think she somehow understands the grit we both went through after my sudden confession during my birthday 4 months back.
So now we are, heading our seperate ways, with no chance whatsoever to even have a relationship.
Not being able to spend time together with her, will be my biggest regret.
But I think I'd regret it more if I couldn't take care of her in the future.
I'll miss her every single moment, adn when I cry Koishikute, it'll only be a phrase referring to her and only her. Noone else. Because the throne of my royal seat has been queened by her. Noone else can take that majestic place she has away from my solemn heart.

For her, and for myself.
I again firmly utter my vows again with a resolve stronger than ever.

I will not get into a relationship until I'm done with my studies.
I will give all I can to achieve the best scores in my studies.
I will give in to laziness no longer.
If I do not subdue to the conditions above, then I don't deserve to be with you.

I wish I could speak of your name, and cry it out to the world. But I have sworn secrecy of its revelation to public knowledge unto you. I honour my words, and I don't intend to go against it.

If you still remember our code...

4 5683 968.

I'll be working and playing equally hard.
Sincerely, I wish you all the best in taking on the things you aim for in your life.

I too wanna see how far our ties can keep us no matter how distant we are from each other.
I'm predicting something... Heh.


Saturday, August 29, 2009

YAY

YAY

It worked! I jogged, did my situps and chinups and pushups and even got some catchup time with Wei Yang as I stopped by his palce to collect my Art History piece. Heh, he cut his hair. Short huh... hmm..

Nah, I still wanna keep my hair silky long and *swossh* like a woman. Oo yeah. 8D ~Feel the rain on your skin~

O, we talked about all kindsa stuff. I reached home around 2.54am. I took off from home around 10.12pm. 1000 situps usually take me about 20 minutes to finish. Chinups and pushups together will take no more than 5 minutes. Then I went to visit Doggie but he wasn't there. SO I jogged to Weu Yang's place... went to the wrong path for a while then got to his place sometime around 11.15pm. So... we talked for 3 hours? Heh.

I didn't know Wei Yang followed all the posts in my blog. Hmm.. perhaps not all but well, he did cover a lot. I'm pretty amazed. Why would people read my personal diaries anyways?

Well, he said it did something good for him in a way so, well, all the more the reason for me to continue.

But then........ Haiz, mehz stoopeed laptop hash scrood hup behz itssef. ._.
It started when my bro's gf used it for a while I think. 3 days later after that, I remember seeing my Security update perculiarly updated. I don't update that shit because I know what trouble it'd cause to my laptop. It gradually became much slower and slower. At Shu's place, when I tried to connect the DSL cables to test out whether I could get the net, my laptop went-a-poo-poo and it started asking for a password. Things has been really worse since then. Today, it finally got its way. I was using it for a while surfing Facebook and Youtube. Then it crashed. It was unusually slow so I deleted some unnecessary files. But it might've been because I did that then it crashed. Pfft. Oh well, it is after all an old chump. Guess I won't be online so often now. Only can rely on my bro's desktop for now. *sigh* might as well go get my laptop reformatted.

No girl.
Work hard.
No lazy.
Stick to it.

A vow's a vow.


Friday, August 28, 2009

Finding out what I really want.

What should I be doing now that I have set my vows straight?

Maybe I ought to be thinking about what I really enjoy doing.
Something that I just don't feel good if I don't do it.
Incomplete.

What fulfills this desire?

I feel... great after a jog.
I don't feel the same when I play games or watch movies.

I also feel complacently happy when I finish something, mainly my games, drawings, books and... work.

I really don't like doing nothing. It makes me feel very restless.
Doing something makes me feel useful, like I'm not wasting my time.
But what is that something I really want to do?
What do I wish to do specifically?

Well... My body feels very odd if I don't exercise. It's like it craves exercise. If I don't do it, it won't reach an optimum level of well-being.

So... Exercise. I have to exercise. I know I want it, so I better start doing it. Procrastinating will just keep me at bay again. I'd better start acting.

Well, exercise is exercise, so what exercise should I be doing?
JOG! I wanna JOG for as long as I can. But how long is as long as I can?
Doesn't matter, as long as I finish the route.
Then..... SITUP! I've been doing 1000 all these while.
But... sometimes I just get this really bad rash after doing the situps. More like... I always get'em. I'd love to do more than 1000. Hmm.. maybe I'll raise it to 1200?
Pumping... Pumping. Gawd, I miss doing it. I like the after feel of pumping. It's as though my arms feel... alive.
Chin ups. Gyah, I still can't make it past 5. I'm gonna have to try a 6 now.

That's it! I want... a challenge. That's what I want. What I need.

Ok, then it's settled. I'll be spending at least an hour a day to complete all of those. Bah, naw, gimme 2 hours. I take about 20 minutes to finish 1000 situps. My jogging will depend on how far I go and which route I choose. Pumping 40 times takes about like 2 minutes? 5 chin-ups takes about 40 seconds. Uh... pfft, I'll rush it. Lemme try an hour first. If I need more time, then I'll go two. Heh.

I've always been advising other people on what they should do. Heh, never knew I could apply it so well on myself. Well, all talk is pointless, I'd better start getting into it if I want to knwo if my self-advising tech actually works.

Dawn and sunshine here I come!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

First day living with my vows.

This is the first day I'm upholding the words of my vow.

Not to get into a relationship till I'm done studying.
To produce the best results in my course.
To not be lazy.
If I don't follow these 3 things, then consider my chance with her over.

I must say... it sure needs a little adjusting.

Today, I've done nothing but play Soul Nomad on PS2 the whole day. Well, other than the fact that I ran to the mamak's to grab some fried rice and ran back with my new Redang shoes.

But I managed to change one thing today. I've limited my time in the bathroom to 5 minutes. I've noticed that I've always been taking baths that are often too long so I need to cut it down. After all, less time in the bathroom means more time for myself.

Well, if I do need a long cold shower, I guess I'll just pamper myself to it. But for a regular basis, 5 minutes will do. Need to start conserving water anyways.

Things are gonna have to start somewhere. Might as well do it now.

Hmm... what shall I do tomorrow?
Should I plan or go along with my mood?

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Redang-alization

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO yeah!

Redang was OSUM. POSUM. PERIOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! 8D

Gyah... no pictures to flashy. T^T
Nu... all my glory.

Ah whuddaheck, nothing beats the cool breezy wingd flowing through your hair as though your spirit would fly away from your bodeh.

Then you have the unbelievably white sandy beaches, so soft that your feet could just sink inside if you step hard enough, or well, if you're a lil' more heavy... eheh.

Ooh, the chalets are soso, but who cares mahn, the place rawks. There's even a bar there which goes disco during the night. I joined in twice! OO YEAH, the dance floor is friggin amazing!

It's like the very incarnation of ignorance is a bliss in reality. Just dance to the groove and lose yourself into the loud beats of the thumping noise could muse and joy!
You could always down yourself into some beer if you feel like getting drunk.
People to gave me free beers because I rocked the floor with my moves (yeah.. I didn't believe it myself 0.0)

OO right, I danced with an auntie~! Hell yeah~ Hey, she was really cool for a woman her age. Meh, I danced with a few chics too, but they were all a bit too shy, well, I just went whatever and continued dancing. It wasn't really me though, the auntie insisted that her daughters and nieces join this fine guy on the floor, eheh... XD

Hmmm... I was a bit disappointed though. I was hoping that I could meet some realy hawt sexay chics while I was there but nah.... tough luck for me. =(

O... but there were a few good-lookers who caught my attention. One was a Korean girl. Nah, didn't manage to talk to her though. It's kinda funny that she was hanging out with girl who were like completely out of her league in terms of looks. It kinda reminded me of those kinda groups whereby they have the super smart people who don't look so good and the uber pretty chic with lots of curves and lack brains. But meh, they weren't all bad looking, just that the particular Korean girl looked a bit prettier's all.

Then there was this group of Chinese people. My family and I met them when we were waiting for the bus to come at our pickup point. We got acquainted and we just hit off as friends at the latter.

The girl in the group, I believed her name was Christina. Damn, she sure has one helluva cute face. Not too mention her body size is like... uh, ok, everyone else where the usual orange life jacket and she wears a children's green one. Yeah.. that small. And Good Gawd, her complexion is like flawless. Well, almost... Lost to the Korean girl though. But she had a killer smile. Seriously. I actually felt compelled to engage into a conversation with her but... something held me back.

She was grouped with this cool guy called Enoch. It's pronounced as ENO but... I'm not entirely sure since you might mistakenly say it out as Eunuch. Well, I think Eno's fine, just that it sounds helluva lot like that tummy relaxer tonic powder. =3

He was the guy who invited me over to join the dance floor. I was reluctant at first as it was my first time, so I was really.. uh, clueless. Like a dumb oaf. Completely. I felt so stupid back then.
When I was there, there were the beers, the people dancing and the enticing loud banging music. I felt this exhilirating rush to just do something with my body, but I was too nervous to do anything. But after a while, my body just seemed to react.

I declined the first invitation. Then when I got up beat with the music, I just told him, "Hey,I think I'm gonna join the dance" and off we went~ Eheh. No regrets at all, in fact, I think I'd have really regretted that night if I didn't have my chance to dance like that. It's really enjoyable really. Now I can understand why people go to night clubs so much. It's a place where you can really just lose yourself tot he music and just really have a blast for yourself, just leaving all those sorry worries behind. Uh... beer? OO RIGHT, I drank Carlsberg beer. Heh, it actually tasted good. My sister told me that Heineken tastes like shyt. Well, I haven't tried it yet so I'll comment on that when I do. Heheh..

UH... there was this other girl in that same group though. Christina and Enoch were both 20, and that other girl was 19. Uh... for some reason I always find myself lost with her name. Lin... Xie? I think...Ugh, I didn't recognize her the other day when she said hi to me. Lol, =_= she must've felt so hurt. Gyah... But after a while, she looked kinda pretty as well. Oh well, I guess all girls have their own attractiveness in them.

I could tell she didn't have as much great experience as the rest of her friends though since half of the time, she was either sea-sick while snorkelling or... I donno, having migraines? Felt kinda sorry for her though. On the first day, she even vomitted a bit... well a bit. Not that I saw any expulsions of liquid from her mouth, just the UWEK~BWEK UGH sounds and the deck captain helping to massage her back to soothe the sea-sickness. Fortunately, someone brought the magical Minyak Kapak with them, so she got better after a while.

Uh..snorkelling, was not so fun on the first day. I think it was because my body was starting to adjust with the bumpy wave movements of the cradle-like boat. It wasn't just me though, almost 3/4 of all the people on the boat had sea-sickness, including Christina, and Lin Xie (I'll just go with this name, I really donno anymore, maybe I'll ask Enoch when he comes online =D), the worst. My mom also got it pretty bad.

But it just got better on the next snorkelling trips. I never felt the nausea I got on the first time anymore, and I finally got used to the stupid snorkelling mask. Sea-water, urgh, friggin irritating. Especially when it gets into your eyes. PEDIH!! Uber soreness. And sea water, ain't exactly the best tasting soup I've ever tasted. I took every opportunity I had in the waters to exercise though. I'd keep on paddling my legs for as long as my life jacket's on and I remain in the water. Hehe..

Redang was tonnes of fun. I'll never forget all those moments there.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

During my last night at Redang, I talked with the 3 Chinese people about what I was going through. Well, they asked so I simply answer.

I told them about what came about to me during my childhood which then brought on towards my teenage life all the way up till now.

They seem a bit fascinated by the fact that I'm still waiting for someone. Well, I did say I was trying to get over her. Truth is when I talked to them openly about it, all those memories just made me nostalgic again.

After I finished my last note and they decided to head to bed, I spent some time alone thinking about what I've done over the past few months, especially since the day I confessed and asked her.

It's almost funny that I've brought all this shit unto myself and I feel sad for it. Why did I even bother to do all these for?

The answer was simple and clear. I realized that getting over her will do nothing, because I was irrevocably in love with her. Everyday, even as I spied at beautiful women from the distance, all I could see was her face.

All the beauty I marvelled and gazed with my very two eyes, I enjoyed my sight and unconsciously whispered in my heart, "if only she could see this."

I stopped by the souvenir shop one day, and I just saw this really cute pair of dolphin cellphone accessories and I just thought to myself, "Hey... she might like this."

I think...

It's almost impossible for me to get over her. I just realize that I just love her too much to give up on her. Letting her go...might be the right decision, but I must not give up on her.

She mentioned vaguely before that she had feelings for me. That's the only thing I could hang on to right now. I'll just have to put all my faith in that sentence and believe its true.

Christina, the Chinese girl made me aware about how girls think about relationship levels.
A crush is like, you just fancy a person.
When you like someone, it's like you feel comfortable around the person.
When you're attracted to someone, it means you're somewhat curious about that person.
When you're dating, you're just trying out.
If you go boyfriend/girlfriend, then it means it's dead serious.
Marriage is the final destination.
Love on the other hand, is something that should go through all of the stated items above, but it's a little special because, it doesn't necessarily need to go through all because... love is an emotion that you cannot have complete control on. All the items stated above love has a very significant difference with love, which is that you can decide on it. Love, just happens. The rest are all made through logical paths.

I love her. That's something both I and her know. But whether she feels the same for me, I might never know.

I noticed that all these times, she's been the source of my motivation, the reason why I wake up in the morning, the thing I think about before I sleep, the face I see in everyone I see, the image that relieves my tensions when I face enormous stress and also one of the many reasons why I chose to always smile.

Relatively, she also caused me sadness and pain at times. I don't really know her. So.. how do I know that I love her? I just don't know, but... I love her. There's no logical explanation to it. I can find any other girl anytime and and ask her out, even the ones which are better-looking and make me feel comfortable with. And yet, I stayed put. I remained blindly loyal. What is it that really keeps me going?

I remember her face all the time. The voice of her saying "good night" during our first, last and only personal call was what echoes in the empty depths of my stirred mind and lulls me to sound sleep.

I can't get over her.

But I've realized one important thing during the 3 days holiday breakaway.
I really love her a lot from the deepest depth of my heart. She's something within that I can never part with. Like my own heart, it pumps blood throughout my body, she creates this energy within me that nothing else could ever give me.

However, since I've confessed, it's quite obvious that the two of us aren't having their greatest times. Nobody gains, just loses more and more. I know what I've lost, and I can only figure what she's going through.

It really pains me to see her going through all that unnecessary convolution and misery. If its just that way, there's no point in me trying to get closer to her anymore. I should stay way from her as far as I can. Because I'd only hurt her by being close to her.

I've made up my mind. I'm going to take a new solemn vow to myself. I signed up for the course at The One Academy. I said to myself that I liked drawing, and it's my passion. I'm entering my majors already in 2 weeks times. I've no more time to dwandle about matters like this. I'll... just have to put her aside for now.

I vow, to not get involved in any relationship until I'm done with my course.
I vow, to produce the best results I can achieve in my course.
I vow, to never have the words lazy in my mind's dictionary anymore.
And lastly, I vow to not break the codes of my vow, or I shall never have the chance to love another person again in this life.

If I really love her, then I have to do what it takes to be someone who can take care of her. Clearly, I'm in no condition to do that now. I'm busy with my course work, friends and volunteer work. I can always spend time with her, if she'd want me to, but it'd definitely place an impact on the other part of my social life.

2 years and 4 months more for me to focus on my studies. I will not disappoint myself. If I disappoint myself, then I can never face her ever again.

If you're reading this, then... at least you know how I feel. I've been waiting for you for 119 days now. There's only 65 days left. But I can tell the both of us aren't ready for a relationship. You expressed to me how much you liked to stay single and continue to live normally without any surprises in between and you dislike change. Then stay single. Be happy. Enjoy yourself. I really hope I'm not a reason for you to feel sad. I'll ask you again when I'm finally ready, and capable enough to take your hand and never let go. Ever. To give you happiness that noone else can give you.

I've also said that I promised to say that "I love you" when we meet again face to face. I'm afraid I won't be able to fulfill that promise any longer for the time being. It'd be best if I just stay away from your path for now. But... I promise I will say that "I love you" after I'm done with my course completely.

It was my mistake for popping the question too early. I can't undo time. I wished I had spent more time with you before asking you because clearly, we really enjoyed each others company before I asked, and I missed those moments. All those random smses, the spontaneous msn talk. If only I could turn back time and undo that ridiculous question. Yeah, ridiculous. It's like a big joke really. All this happened only and only because I asked you to be my girlfriend. It's not fair... Not fair at all.

The next time I see you, we'll just be casual friends, just like how we used to be before I asked you the question. I'll treat you like any other girl I meet, and give normal attention to you. If we have to get to official business, I'll never let my feelings get in the way and affect it, I can only hope that you do the same.

This is it. You're free. Embrace your life. There's nothing holding you back anymore. Do what you really want. Never regret even the slightest bit when you have the opportunity to do what you reall want.

Meanwhile, I'll be chasing after my own dreams. To reach for the stars and not ending up with a handful of mud. Because, I want to be that person who can take care of you can make you happy. The person, who you can love, trust and respect.

I love you. That's all I need to know. Now, I shall go.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Redang Breakaway

I'm gonna be on my way to Redang in a few hours time. Hmm.. I wonder if I could get some pictures taken. Good ones.

I just hope my family members don't spoil the mood again.

It's gonna be a good opportunity for me to look for a new breath of fresh air, away from all these chaos within my thick bovine skull-protected jelly with millions of nerve impulses shocking down my spine.

I'd better focus on having fun because, it's been so long since I've had any real fun.

Well, of I go! Till Wednesday or Thursday, whichever comes first~ ^^

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Life Is Like A Boat

Life Is Like A Boat
Rie Fu
Bleach

Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
and if I ever need someone to come along,
Who's gonna comfort me and keep me strong?

We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on coming and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day

tooku de iki o shiteru toomei ni natta mitai
kurayami ni omoe dakedo mekaku shisareteta dake

inori wo sasagete atarashii hi wo matsu
asayaka ni hikaru umi sono hate made

Nobody knows who I really am
Maybe they just don't give a damn
But if I ever need someone to come along
I know you would follow me, and keep me strong

hito no kokoro wa utsuriyuku mukedashitaku naru
tsuki wa mada atarashii shuuki de mune wo tsureteku

And every time I see your face
The oceans heave up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars
And soon I can see the shore

Oh, I can see the shore
When will I see the shore?

I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I'd feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along,
I will follow you, and keep you strong

tabi wa mada tsuzuiteku odayakana hi mo
tsuki wa mata atarashii shuuki de ume wo terashidasu

inori wo sasagete atarashii hi wo matsu
asayaka ni hikaru umi sono hate made

And every time I see your face
The oceans heave up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars
And soon I can see the shore

Unmei no hune oko gi
nami wa tsugi kara tsukie to
watashi-tachi wo sou kedo
Sore mo suteki na tabi ne
dore mo suteki na tabi ne

Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along
Who's gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?

We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on comin' and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day

Breathing in the distance
As if I've become transparent
It seemed to be the dark
But I was merely blindfolded

I offer my prayers
And wait for a new day
To the end of the sea
That shines vividly

Nobody knows who I really am
Maybe they just don't give a damn
But if I ever need someone to come along
I know you would follow me, and keep me strong

People's hearts move
And want to slip out
The moon in its new cycle
Brings along boats again

And every time I see your face,
The oceans heave up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars,
And soon I can see the shore

Oh, I can see the shore
When will I see the shore?

I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I'd feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along
I will follow you, and keep you strong

The journey is still continuing
On the calm days, too
The moon in its new cycle
Begins to shine on boats again

I offer my prayers
And wait for a new day
To the end of the sea
That shines vividly

And every time I see your face,
The oceans heave up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars,
And soon I can see the shore

Rowing the boat of destiny
The waves assault us
One after the next
But that's a wonderful journey, too
Any one of them is a wonderful journey


If there's ever gonna be an image song for myself, I'd say this will be the one.
It portrays... 3 different minds in one.
The nobody.
The discovery of friends.
The realization of being important to someone.

I sing this song almost every single day whenever I have the opportunity.
It'd remind again and again, how I was a nobody, how I met and acquired some good friends and how my existence have changed others life. And also... being important to that someone special.

This song clears my mind up.
When I sing the lyrics, its as if all of my emotions were set free.
And I could just breathe a sigh of relief again.

But when I actually look back at the song, it really does tell a part of my story.

Nobody knows who I really am.
I've never felt this empty before.
And if I ever need someone to come along
Who's gonna comfort me and keep me strong.

This stanza reminds me that nobody's knows for sure who I am. Everytime I feel sad, I'd feel empty inside. When I call out... to try and reach out... most people'd just take me for granted and take their own sweet time to decide whether or not to tend to me or not. It feels like I'm very disposable. So I ask myself, is there noone at all who can understand me?

This is when I tell myself, I'm all alone, and it's all up to me to get myself up when I fall. Noone will help, because... this is a cruel world.

We're all rowin' a boat of fate
The waves keep on comin' and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves will guide you through another day

This part however, tells me that.. this world.. is just like that. Fatebounded by the cycle of life. Ups and downs, they just come and go like waves. There are days that you might get carried away by the waves. But no matter how far you drift away, you'll reach somewhere again, and that's when you know that you've done something.

The next four lines in Japanese tells of the blackout one would feel when one gets lost. It's dark...yet transparent. Vast.. yet suffocating. Depressing and full of fear. But the truth is that, one would only feel this way if one wishes or desires to feel that way. It is like a blindfold people put on to protect themselves from seeing the fearful truth they fear so much. But they just didn't know how good living with truth really is. Acceptance... of the world around you, and more importantly, your very own existence.

The first chorus then speaks of hope in life through a simple prayer to see through the rest of the day. No matter how far we go, no matter how lost we get, we must never let go of that small glitter of hope. Because that star might just be the one that overlooks you through your goods and bads. The one thing you can expect to be there for you when you go through thick and thin.
Hope... is a powerful thing.

Nobody knows who I really am
Maybe they just don't give a damn
And if I ever need someone to come along
I know you'll follow me and keep me strong

This is... strength through giving. It's as though depicting what I would want to say inside. "People won't care shit about me, they probably don't even care about me at all, why should I be bothered about them?" Then... I'd start realizing that there may be others who'd went through the pain of loneliness i've been through in my life. So I mustn't leave them alone. I want to let them know that, they're not alone. We're all together in this. And we'll help each other out. Friends. People who's always be there for you through your shits and candids. To support you. To remind you about yourself.

Then in the next Japanese stanza, it tell you about how hearts can change for better or for worse. But there's one thing that doesn't change, opportunity will never cease to exist. Just like the moon with its new cycles bringing new boat with its every new phase, to take people aboard and sail them to another shore. In other words, an opportunity. Hope.

Then the English chorus is self explanatory. This is... actually the beautiful part of the song. It's a story of how one falls in love. Whenever you see that face, its as though your whole world would change. Your heart would beat faster than normal, your mind wouldn't be thinking straight, you feel heavy, yet energetic. Motivated to move, yet reluctant to start. So you ask yourself, how long do I have to keep up with this until I can finally find and end to all of this? Its just like rowing a boat with two oars alone in an ocean of pure nothingness. But if you're confident with yourself, then there'll always be a shore awaiting your arrival. You just have to know that everything begins by just taking the initiative to take your first step and start moving.

When the wailing begins at the bridge part of the song, this is when one would feel the longing of a wait. Perseverence, patience and dilligence. To never give up hope.

I want you to know who I really am,
I never thought I'd feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along
I'll follow you and keep you strong

This is... the epiphany to one' conscience. To finally accept the fact that love exists. To give everything to that someone, including your life. Entrusting everything to that person with full knowing that he or she would come to your steed whenever you need him or her be. I tried...
But I guess she just didn't want it yet. It's kinda stupid for me to wait. But.. what can I say? Love is stupid. It's not intellectual. It's filled with emotion. No rational thoughts. No logics. Just pure raw emotion.

Every journey will end to start a new one. This basically tells the whole stanza in Japanese that comes after the previous part.

Then the whole chorus repeats itself, as if trying to glimpse through the memory archives and looking back at the road left behind by our footsteps.

After that, the song concludes itself by saying that life is always filled with surprises. No matter how much planning we make, things might not always go our way. We can but only go along with what destiny has in store for us and decide whether or not to go along or go against it. This is life. And it's an exciting challenge to just try and stay alive and be happy. Dontcha think?

Friday, August 21, 2009

Jolts

Jolts.

Just what I needed for such depressing days.

In the beginning, I was just thinking that the day just couldn't get any better.

I put up my work and responsibilties first, and what did I get... my friends just duped me without even notifying me of what they would be doing. "Great" help there.
Couldn't really blame them though. I had work to do and they were rushing for time... or not.
I even thought to myself that if I could just come a little earlier, things would've been different.
But no. That's not the point.
They were very inconsiderate.

Or maybe I should be the one being considerate. After all, who am I one person to the group of more than 10 people? I'm not someone worth waiting for.

Thanks so much for making me feel like I was a disposable piece of trash. Really appreciate it.
Just to not spoil the day, I just kept my sorry mouth shut. Not like I had the strength nor energy or gull to even argue anymore.

I mean, who could I possibly trust you know? I just thought that I had such great friends at college.

That... just blew it.
I donno what to expect, who to consider a friend.
After all these times, I thought I've acquired great friends.
The truth is, there're still strangers to me.

Depressed as I am with aimlessness over me, I just went over with whatever they had in mind. Zen, Carlsberg boy, Ah Zhong, Mark and the two gals headed over to the ice skating rink led by Orange Guy while I followed Genius, Yaakob and Nic to watch District 9.

I guess I made the right aimless choice. District nice was a great movie. It felt so real that sometimes you feel like you're actually inside the movie and that what they show in the movie are actually real. Kept my mind off all the shit I felt for the whole 2 hours. Great movie.

Then, we rendezvoused to meet with the rest at the rink and headed of for dinner. Subway. Uh... the aroma tingles me. But I had to keep my craves at bay. Needed to save my money. Besides, I have a home to return to with dinner waiting on the table.

So... GI Joe! Inspiring! The action... was actually GOOD. I mean.. GREAT. EXCELLENTE~! After GI Joe, I completey forgot about my shitlife feelings and walked away with a blast of energy surging within my blood. I even sprinted my way out of the mall 8D

Well.. I guess being alone's not so bad. It's freedom in a way.

Dear friends, I really hated you guyz for dumping me like that and not even saying a single word about it beforehand with those sympathetic gazes you gave me after I got amazingly "accidentally' dumped by you guyz. BIG THANK YOU. Thanks so much for reminding me how worthless a man I am.=_=

Whatever it is, I don't care anymore.
Screw y'all for that "auspicious moment!"
But I forgive you guyz.
I'm sure you all had a reason to do so.
But seriously, if you were put into my shoes, how would you feel?

Don't even think about saying, "Oh.. it's Osla, he won't feel that way, I mean, he's evil after all right? 8D. If he comes in time then he'll catch the show with us lah, if not then, he'll just have to wait around wasting his time la, I donno, up to you la~"

Seriously... geez man.
Everyone has a limit to things you know. And just so you guyz know, I just made a decision to get over the girl I was after, so it wasn't exactly a good time for me to go through?

Sorry la for not even saying a word. After all, how could I trust a bunch of goons who let me down the minute I strolled into the joyous mall?
Just tell'em huh?
pfft-ya right...

Look, whatever man.
Call me emo by all means.
But I'm just being very frankly honest.
It's my diary for pete's sake. Is there a reason why I shouldn't be honest?

Don't you guyz ever do that again. If you are, then forget the group movies, I think I'll just go there by myself next time. What's the use of going out with friends if they can't even wait for you? Really, just spoiled a very good mood I had there. Terrific.

...

I'm too lazy to argue anymore.

Maybe I've always and should've always been alone in the first place.
I don't deserve anyone at all in this world.

I'll just keep on living alone and enjoying my freedom.
After all. Who really cares about me anyways?
After today, I doubt there's really anyone who I could really call friend.

Well, let's see how tomorrow is.
Because if I don't move forward, then noone's gonna be there to help bring me up
As I've always been alone...
Always. . .

Thursday, August 20, 2009

No matter how far I go, I'll still return home.

Run run run.

Is that all I ever think about?

Pfft. I feel even more stupid now when I think about things over.
I have a good future ahead. I've to embrace it.
Why even bother about all these pathetic feelings? Blerhz.

I've told myself not to be depressed ever again. And here I am telling myself I'm not.
Well, I guess it does have something to do with my pledge to be honest.
Not just to everyone.
But ultimately myself.

Well, it's kinda stupid when you think of it. Because..
No matter how far you run, you still return back to a place called home.
I have a comfy warm home. Where I could always return to.
Why should I bother about all the bad stuff?

As my depressed heart walked through the door to get a breather, I just realized again something I've already known for a very long time.

To live with a purpose.

This stroke me when I saw a picture of an ancestor's painting in a bicycle shop I always go to.
My bike kinda got busted at its rear so I had to get it repaired.

The old uncle there had white strains of hair with a tired look alogn with smudges of oil all over his body, particularly at his hands and feet. It is a mark of his devotion towards his family's business. And it .. gave me this gratified feeling of legacy and tradition. Also... dilligence and perseverence. I was always like that. So why feel so down about thing that you can't even control?

I just thought today was gonna be another normal day after. But I was wrong. I bumped into Kenneth just now along the way to Sunway. Since he was there, I decided to stop by the counter to check for the OTP thing. As we walked towards the receptionist, Kennet reminded me of his family relations with his family.

I thought to myself, "Is his condition worse than mine? He's doing completely fine so why should I feel so smacked out?"

And I returned home with a revitalized face. When I got back, I just thought," Ah.. back home at last."

Home.
Home.

it's not just a shelter.
not just a place to stay
not just a place to live in.

but

it's a place where you could always return to when you feel worn out, tired and unable to continue.

It's a wonderful feeling. Knowing that you could always return to a place.
I don;t want to forget this feeling. Ever.

Its time to smile~ =)

I want to run away.

I want to run away.

From my life.
My disappointment.
My angst.
My failure.
Everything.

Just yesterday, I felt like I was the stupidest being living on this planet because I decided to be honest to someone I hold very dear to me heart. On my way there, it seemed like I knew what I was doing. After I was done, I just felt so nervous I felt like ending my life there and then.

I just thought, maybe I needed a little time. So I took my mind off things a bit.
Then I received a reply. I won't say it's good nor bad. I just couldn't be bothered about it anymore.

That moment made me feel like I was back in time 3 years ago where all my depression started because of my own stupidity. I'm not gonna let that happen again. Because it's not worth it.

Today, I thought I'd feel better. But there's no use lying to myself. I'm not.
It's hard to tolerate parents who don't even try to understand sometimes.
But what can I do anyways?
I'm just a son.
A child.
I'm not even capable of earning for myself yet.

My dad... is a religious maniac who cares more about his beliefs than his own family.
My mom... only recently found out about all the pain I went through during childhood. How I wish she only did sooner.
My brothers... I respect them. But I fear them more.
My sister... once wished that I never existed.
My little brother... asks himself why he should deserve a brother like me.

That's why... I want to run away.
As far as my legs can take me.

Can I?

People who read this'd probably say things like I shouldn't mind too much about them and only think for yourself and not them. I'm tired. Exhausted. Not mentally. Not physically. But my soul.

But I've to keep on moving.

I've to face this everyday though.

It's about time I learned that fact and deal with it.
Because... I'm alive.
I have to make the best out of it.

Sometimes... I really wonder if anyone could truly want to understand me.
But... I guess... sometimes, you just have to deal with the fact that we're all alone.
Sooner or later.
Because in the end... we really are.

Alone.

This diary is proof of my existence

I just finished watching the whole series of I Litre of Tears. I thought I wouldn't have the same feeling again when I watched it for the second time, but I was wrong. Every scene touched me inside. I couldn't help but let my tears roll for all those moments of extreme sadness.

It is... a story about a simple 15 years-old high school girl named Ikeuchi Aya. She suffers from cerebellar degeneration syndrome and slowly loses her senses in life, beginning with loss control of legs, then not being able to write nor speak properly, and in the end, almost as good as paralyzed, but continues to live with a mind like any other person.

It's a good watch, I'd reccomend this to everyone as I believe that this drama is something really worth watching. It tells people something you can never see or hear from any other story. If you missed this drama, you'd better try and get your hands on a copy. Trust me, you'd never regret it.

"When you I put my hand on my chest, I can feel my heart beating. I feel so happy that I'm stiill alive today" - Ikeuchi Aya, from the 1 Litre of Tears diary.

She's strong. I want to have that strength to face the future. She knew how her life would be in the future, predetermined, dated. I don't. I have the freedom of choice. I have a bright future. I must cherish this opportunity with all I have because this chance only comes once in a lifetime. I don't want to ever have regrets in my life in the future.

This will be my first diary log for the year 2009.
From today onwards, I'll log at least once every night.
I don't want to lose who I am.
I want to continue living on for as long as I can.
I hope that one day, when I'm gone, I know that my life is not put to waste, and people know that, I, Osla Chan, existed for some time, and has made a difference in this world.
Because... I'm me.
Without me in this world, many things would've turned out differently.
My family, the friends I know, everyone who has crossed fates with me.
Their lives will be different without me here today.
I want to continue on living the best I can.

Because... I want to feel happy that I'm still alive.

Breathing.
Free.
Capable.

I'm not alone till this day.
I have great friends.
A decent family.

Thank you all.
Without you, I won't be who I am today.
Thank you, everyone.
I won't ever give up my life.
Never.
Ever.

=)

Monday, August 03, 2009

Tune The Rainbow

Tune The Rainbow
sung by Maaya Sakamoto
Rahxephon the Animation

kimi ga nagasu namida nuguu tame dake ni boku wa koko ni iru yo
ame agari ga kirei na you ni nakeba kokoro sukitooru

oka no ue de miwatasu sekai wa
kyou mo ai de afureteru hazu na no ni
mayoi ikiru bokura wa kizukazu
yasashii ai no utasae todokanai

mamoritai tada anata dake o sono egao kagayaku hibi o
mamoritai kodoku ni kakomare kanashimi ni yureru kokoro o
itsu no hi mo

boku ga chikau subete subete o kakete boku wa ushinatte yuku
itoshii hito kimi o omoi kimi to tomo ni ikiteku yo

yasashi sugiru bokura wa KOWAGARI
hontou no kimochi jouzu ni ienakattari
waza to ooki na koto o itte mitari
sore demo mou daijoubu mitasareta kara

aishiau bokutachi wa tsuyoi kaze no naka hanarete mo
aishiau bokutachi wa itsumo soba ni iru inori no naka de zutto

mamoritai tada anata dake o sono egao kagayaku hibi o
mamoritai kodoku ni kakomare kanashimi ni yureru kokoro o
wasurenai kaze ya kigi o ano hi mita yuuyake sora o
wasurenai daisuki na uta nandomo yonda ehon no hyoushi

mamoritai tada anata dake o sono egao kagayaku hibi o
mamoritai kodoku ni kakomare kanashimi ni yureru kokoro o
wasurenai kono takai sora o aoi umi natsu no hizashi
wasurenai anata to kawashita kotoba sae nanimo kamo

tsukanoma no niji...
kitto kimi e no kakehashi naru darou

I will stay here, only for the sake of drying your flowing tears
As beautiful as the rain letting up, your tears make your heart transparent

Today as I look out from the top of a hill,
Although the world should be washed over in love
We have realized we are living in bewilderment
The soft song of love cannot reach us

I just wanna protect you, I just wanna protect
The days when your face shone, smiling
I just wanna protect you, enclosed in loneliness, your heart shaken by sadness
For the rest of my days

I swear everything, I would risk everything, I would lose everything
For the one I love, to think of you, to live together with you

Past softness, we're both cowards
Even though I'm not skilled at telling my true feelings
I can speak of great things and works
Nevertheless, I'm all right...I'm feeling fulfilled

The two of us, in love, may be separated in a strong wind
The two of us, in love, will be by each other's sides forever, within our prayers

I just wanna protect you, I just wanna protect
The days when your face shone, smiling
I just wanna protect you, enclosed in loneliness, your heart shaken by sadness
I won't forget the wind and trees, the burning sky
I won't forget the song I loved, the front cover of the picture book I read many times

I just wanna protect you, I just wanna protect
The days when your face shone, smiling
I just wanna protect you, enclosed in loneliness, your heart shaken by sadness
I won't forget that high sky, the blue ocean, summer's sunlight
I won't forget the words we exchanged...I won't forget anything!

A transcient rainbow...
I think it must be a bridge to you


Tune the Rainbow. It's like... the best love story you could ever tell with a song. The lyrics are beautiful, and the music alone already sounds amazing without the support of the lyrics. Together, it creates just the right atmosphere for a great song. If you're looking for some slow soothing music, this is definitely one you wouldn't want to miss.

I fell in love with this song the minute my ears heard its sound. I could get a rough glimpse of its meaning with the first listenning. This song really moved me, so I decided to look for the lyrics and read what it really means. When I listenned to the song again with the translations, I was just hit by a huge pang of emotions, and for that slight moment, my tears rolled down my cheeks.
This song, isn't just a love song, nor a love story. It's a predicament, and oath, a promise written in stone for two people who truly love each other from the very fibre of their being. Love each other so much that they'd leave their current lives just to be together even for another breathing moment.

This song has been in my memory for a long time now, and it shall live on in my conscience till the day I give my last breath. I've been singing it almost everyday. Because... Mainly because I've never felt what true love is. It just seems so... beautiful, earnest, pure, innocent, sincere, honest, committed, dedicated. Everyday I sing this song, it tells me a more than I'd have told myself in a casual self pet-talk. It tells me things I sometimes couldn't even express in the form of words. It is as though, the songs speaks abot more than just my feelings, but everyone else's who might have felt the same.

I wish, one day, I could find a girl I could sing this song to. This song... is far better than saying a million mushy words of tenderness. Its everything needed to be said to someone you hold dearly close to your heart.

I already do have someone I hold closely to my heart, but whether she feels the same way about it, i'd just have to wait for her final decision which will come in 89 days time. I've never for once regretted my decision to wait for her. Even though I remain in silence loving her from afar, watching, I know my waiting will soon be answered. Everyday has been ever more colourful and bright with memories of her within me. I love her, and I'm grateful that I've actually had the chance to fall in love with somebody in this short life of mine.

Crushes are plenty. It could be this girl, and another chick, to this hawtie and then jumping to this bitch and it goes on. But falling for someone, its just... different. Infatuated means you feel attracted to someone. Attracted means you feel a magnetic gravity between you and the other. Like means you feel comfortable around that person. Into someone means thinking about that person every single moment. Falling in love however... is to lose control over yourself, and allow your hidden emotions to emerge beneath the sea of locked treasures in your heart despite all the doubt, confusion and sense of insecurity.

It's quite easy to know how to differentiate love and the rest. Love acts on emotional instincts, it is free, and its blind. Once you fall, its not your eyes that choose, but your heart. For the others however, you see, you rationalize, you judge, and then you pick. I dare say that almost everyone one of us at the coming of this age would have gone through the exact same process.

But I can tell you one thing, if you've fallen in love, consider yourself lucky. Be glad about it because many people these days aren't fortunate enough to have their heart's eyes laid on a particular someone and actually feel like doing anything at all for that person just to see the smile on her beautiful face. For just this once, you really feel like making someone happy, showing that person who you really are inside, letting yourself out to that person without a second thought. Trust, belief. These two just come with feeling, there's no rational in it. Its just plain ... feeling.

Honestly, I have no idea where I'm heading. I really wonder about the outcome of my waiting at the end of the road. I wait everyday with anticipation, counting the days as they pass by. Just when I know it, 90 days have already passed. I now still have another 89 days left. Its jus a little bit more before the time finally comes.

Though I may be uncertain of my own course, today, I feel unusually... fulfilled, satisfied and.. light inside. Everything just seem to fall into place for some reason. I've had a very nice dream just last Sunday night. I recall going out with her to somewhere and spending the rest of the day together without missing another moment. Though I realized that my sleep was more than 4 whole hours, that particular dream just felt like a few passing moment, like a few ticks to a clock, yet... somewhat eternal.

It's simple and will forever be this simple. I love her. And I love her more than ever now. I just now deep down inside that she's the right one for me. Destiny? Fate? Or Luck? I know they exist, but I never really put my faith in them. I've always believed in actions. Which was why I asked her that day during my 18th brithday. It just seemed... right, despite my emotions being perplexed into chaos that moment as I was torn between 2 girls I considered potential life partners. But I chose her instead of the other. Sure I do wonder sometimes what'd have happened if I went for the other, but it doesn't matter anymore. I just want to love her more than ever. I want her to know she's never alone and that I'm always here for her.

I've also thouroughly thought about the chances of what may be today if I decided to do nothing on that day. If I didn't ask that question and continued my life like a lonely wolf in search of meaning in mundanity. I never like tactics with girls. If I like someone, I'd tell her straight out. It's nerve wrecking enough for people to open their hearts to the people they really like. And believe me, I know its hard. I wouldn't want the girl to be the first to ask because, that'd be somewhat embarassing even though it gives the guy a more upper hand in the relationship should it happen.

The lyrics of the song itself is enough to tell you how I really feel about her. Love... in reality, requires no words, no actions, just plain raw emotion. 89 days. And still counting. Till then, I'll be Tuning the Rainbows in my life. Because, she'll forever be that transient rainbow which illuminates my day with warmth and life.

4 5683 968.=)