Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Soul Search Day 17 - Just what exactly is Soul Search?

"What's with the whole soul search thing again? Your life seems ok to me..."

Someone once asked me that after reading my blog posts.

What is this soul search deal exactly?

Am I just doing it for fun or is it a serious issue?

To be honest, I'm not sure myself now.

When I began my soul search post, I was very serious and determined to look for a purpose in my life, but a few days after, I went through a drastic change in my life, and all the purpose of the search was lost in the light of it all.

Maybe not all. But most of them just went amiss. It wasn't a bad thing because that drastic change was a positive event in my life, but it felt oddly weird that all those feelings could just disappear with the occurrence of this one moment in my life.

Though I do not feel so hollow inside anymore, I mustn't let my guard down. This can be the time where I might be stricken with many invisible forces during these moments of endless joy. I must forever remain vigilant and avoid every trap I can.

However, that doesn't really explain why I'm still soul searching. Many long lost fragments of myself have returned, but what else is there that's missing? Just what am I looking for?

A dream?
A vision?
An aspiration?

Or.. that endless drive that's still missing within me?
That inner energy that allows me to harness an infinite capacity of pure power to always keep me moving. What I want to know is... what fuels this energy?

Till I find it, this soul search will never end.
I need a source I can rely on for the rest of my life.
It may be hard to find, but I know it exists somewhere.
I'll keep on searching until I find it.

However, I do have a close feeling to that fuel.
It was just yesterday.
Greatness is misery.
Peculiar, but nonetheless true.

Dusk it was, sometime aroun 2.00am. I woke up and spent approximately 9 hours trying to finish up my work, and when the time was up, class began, but I rushed to class, late, passing up unfinished work, expecting a bad outcome, but to my surprise, it wasn't so bad after all.

After class, I forgotten that I had a talk to attend in the evening. I was fortunate enough to have stayed with my friends, and they reminded me as they started going off around 2.25pm in the library when I read through some books.

The talk ended sometime around 4.30pm, and I went back home right after. It came across my mind to fix up my bike's half-cracked seat. So I cycled to Damansara Jaya, where there was a reliable bike shop providing quality products for bikes. On the way there, I stopped by a petrol station top pump my bike's front as I recalled that it wasn't very pumped anymore.

As I positioned the nozzle of the pump to the mouth of my tyre, I was expecting to hear a blowing sound, but I heard nothing. I felt like something was amiss, so I checked my tyre and found that it got deflated completely. Alongside that, I also realized that the cap for my hind tyre's mouth was nowhere to be found, so I placed the front's cap on the hind tyre and pushed my bike to the neighbouring station to be pumped. It failed again. Weird.. there were no signs of puncture whatsoever, I wondered what happened.

With that happening, I was left with two options, whether to continue on to the bike shop just a few more hundred meters ahead or turn back home. I didn't want my journey to go to waste, so I continued my way to the bike shop on foot, jogging and jogging.

Before I reached the final destination, I decided to take a stop at Maybank to withdraw my money as I recalled that I had insufficient funds to pay for the repair. I reached my checkpoint and put my hand into my pocket to take out my wallet. Then only did I realize that I left my wallet at home. Ah, what luck.

On my way home, I stopped by another petrol station to borrow its washroom. Upon exiting the small encased cubical, the sky seemed much darker than before. I wondered if it was gonna be coming soon. To clear my doubts about my tyre, I tried again at the station's pump, and well, it was as I expected, no good again.

A few moments later, droplets of water fell to my face. I looked up to the sky and it started drizzling. I thought the drizzle wasn't too bad, so I continued my way back. Just as I took several steps across the busy road, it downpoured. What rotten luck. I quickly looked for a nearby shade under a playscape's roof in a playground to seek shelter.

I waited for some time until the rain finally stopped, and I continued on back home.
As I journeyed back, I was vigorously jogging back while pushing my disabled bike and I felt a pierce down my right foot. Once, twice, thrice and I went OUCH. I stopped to check what it was and I found a screw going through a layer of my shoes. My foot felt painful, but that sting was already there even before the screw pierced through a hole in my shoe. So I just strengthened my resolve and continued jogging home with the similar pace despite the pains of my feet.

When I was back, I felt satisfied and proud instead of feeling miserable for the miserable day. I realized that there was one thing going against all the demise of those moments, and it was the feeling of knowing that someone's there for me tomorrow, they day after and the days to come.

My legs never grew tired and the motor's of my body never broke down for even once. It felt easy to jog, as if I was flying. My legs were lightweight and my muscles were relentless and impulsive. Every single step was taken with determination and unwasted impact. Everything just felt right, as if I had a clear purpose to keep on running, to not give up. Like destiny was at my side.

I'm not sure if that's the right feeling I'm looking for... but I'm still uncertain if it'll always remain the same in the future. Doubts still linger within my mind about this fuel as an infinite source of energy. I'll just have to find out if it is truly reliable. But it felt really good. No... better than that. I felt explosive.

I must continue this journey, as my life has not ended yet, I've still much to learn. Wasn't there and old saying telling us that life is a neverending learning experience?

I can't stop.
I can't afford to stop.
I have to keep on going.
Because I don't want to live another day with regrets.
I want to know what fuels this explosive power within me and awaken my true potential, so that one day, I won't just be flying with the birds of the skies, but soaring with the dragons in the celestial regions.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Soul Search Day 16, Cookies.

Cookies.

Oatmeal cookies.

Raisin, choc-chipped oatmeal cookies.

Mmmmmmmmmmm.... absolutely delicious!

I could feel the benefits of the nutrients flowing into my system as I continue to munch nom nom nom satisfyingly.

Not only that, I could... really feel a genuine glow of hard work coming from the maker of the cookies. This is an exquisite taste I don't think I could ever find in any other cookies. I'm really fortunate to have at least tasted it once in my whole life. Thank you so much for the cookies, I'll take a small piece everyday to make them last longer. ^^

They're just that good great!
Gawd I just feel so happy right now. =)

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Soul Search Day 15, If Today Was My Last Day.

If today was my last day, if tomorrow was too late, would I say goodbye to yesterday?
Can I forgive all my enemies?
Will I make every moment count?
There's actually a song about this from Nickelback. "If Today Was Your Last Day".

I don't think it's necessary to post the lyrics here as I know it'd be just a click away from the search engine.

To live each moment like my last...
I think I've done that.
And I'm not gonna stop living like that.

I've been trying to be myself for the past week.
But if it wasn't for this one person, I probably wouldn't be feeling like this.

It's a great feeling I'm feeling.
Satisified with what I am.
Yet still endlessly trying to mold a better me.

I feel like I can fly again.
To touch those stars beyond the clouds and get closer to what I really want.
Something... I know it exists but I'm not sure what it is yet.
Though, I am very confident that I'll find it someday.

I wonder when my soul search will end sometimes...
But hey, if it ends so quick, it wouldn't be called soul searching would it? More like soul finding. XD

Owh, I might be having good news to spread later. ^^
Alrightiez, time to do some work!

this ain't a soul search post.-SCREAMYX-

C'mon people, lets get this rolling, our friend really needs our help.


This bro ain't in it just for himself, but for all of US who have suffered under the rule of Screamyx.


For all OUR neverending screams of agony under the control of the one and only "best broadband service provider in Malaysia, TMNutScreamyx!"


He wishes to show that it's time WE taken action against this menace.


TO testify the grand truth that Screamyx has been monopolizing us with the "best" broadband offered in Malaysia, acting like tyranny unto us humble net dwellers who are but simpletons plagued by the disease of SCREAMING AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH when our connections FAIL us during our most dire moments of net surfing!


We but only wished to watch Youtubes without ever having to pause, not to mention the frequent delays, amazing long buffers which sometimes stop without a reason even after waiting for hours, playing facebook games casually without uber lags to kill our happy-dappy moods, Mega-killing in Dota without ever having to be disconnected and curse "Diu Nia Sing-ah!", download files with a decent dependable speed to not go OMFG so SLLOOOOOOOWWWWW!, and not having crawling upload speed that would sometimes just disconnect and you have to upload all over again, and again, and again, and again, and- GYAH~!.


C'mon people, one tiny little vote a day for a little payback time to Screamyx for what rot we have stomached from its "amazing" service. It's time for us to make a stand. While you're at it, you're gonna make someone's life happier and more meaningful as he won't just be able to share his joy of getting a connection speed that Screamyxland dwellers so deserved, but also having the chance to own his very first new laptop!




So what have you got to lose? Vote now! Make a difference in someone's life!


SCREAMYX! THIS IS WAR!


Friday, September 25, 2009

Soul Search Day 12, Figured out something.

I've figured out what I want to work for now.

Before, when I first set myself for a journey of soul searching, I only intended to live for myself and myself alone as back then, I found that there was noone for me to trust, no particular soul to turn to, and I decided to myself that I had noone.

My family and friends have enriched my life with many things. But there was just that one moment when I felt like all these people have disappointed me for the final time. So I gave up on everyone, determined to make a course of my own, to leave everything back behind without taking a glance back ever.

I changed. Almost instantaneously. For once, my mindset was clear, the path was open and I had nothing holding me back anymore. I could be what I want to do whatever the hell I want with this life, nothing to chain me down anymore.

I only took care of myself, my things and nothing more. I made the other world before me oblivious to my eyes in order to feel disconnected with it, to have complete control over myself.

It worked, for 3 days but could have definitely lasted longer. It was a sad lonely life of a vagabond loner, but I couldn't be bothered much back then. I just lost faith in everything. The only thing left in me was.. me. The world was all mine to change, for me to determine, because everyone has a world of their own. I only wished to be able to do the things I wish with freedom and nothing holding me back. I got what I wanted, during that short amount of time.

Then... I received more than I could ever ask for in my life. A soul who's willing to understand me and accepts me for what I am.

Happy was the only thing in my mind. And during that unannounced revelation, I started to lose focus as I got more than I deserved, and now that I wasn't alone anymore, what should I be working for?

Hope filled my life again. I knew what it was like again to be known, to be cared, and to be... not alone.

Then I just felt confused with myself. Of course I'm happy for it, but... what's gonna happen to my own world?

To share with someone, is a very unique feeling. It can never be expressed when alone.
But what about my own life?

The loneliness started to fade, so as the desire to continue on with a loner's life. My motivation started to waver, and my purpose was lost again. I was undeniably happy, but... my purpose was just lost.

So I placed myself deep in thought, in search of a new light for myself. And I never realized that it was with me all along...

To be strong for someone.
To be able to take care of someone.

I had that mindset a long time ago, even before this epiphany occurred. I know not the reason to as how it could be forgotten with due time, but... I remember now.
The feeling of making others smile.
The satisfied feeling of doing something for someone without expecting anything in return.
Just for the heck of it.

I think I started forgetting this part of me when I decided to myself that I had to be more selfish. To not be so kind and generous to the people who won't hesitate to eat you when they have the chance.

And I started undertaking the title of evilness. To be evil to others so that I won't be hurt ever again. Because everytime I open up, nothing good awaits me, only disappointment, over and over again.

But it's all coming back to me now.
Yeah...
I think I'm starting to realize what's really important to me now.
The most important thing to me.

I'm alive.
I better cherish each moment that I have before regret consumes me.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Soul Search Day 11, Just What The Hell Am I Doing?

Just what the hell am I doing?

I'm back with my usual sorry self again.
I was so determined to change.
Now what?
Giving up already?

Weak, helpless, why the hell are those thoughts even in my head?
No... No... this WILL NOT DO.

I'd better start being firm with myself.
I can't keep on going like this.
There are some people I shouldn't disappoint.
More ultimately, I mustn't disappoint myself.

My sole motivator when I began was loneliness.
I always told myself that we all live to be alone and in the end, no matter what, you'll still be alone. Nobody has a someone. Just pure loneliness.
I was ok with it. In fact running well with the fact as I know damned well that if I don't do something about my life, nobody's gonna give a shit about me.

Then, something changed my perspective completely. Suddenly, I wasn't alone anymore. It was a great feeling. But I found it harder to cope with compared to working alone. It's as though, the feeling of loneliness just vanished and I could never harness it's potential anymore.

Nonetheless, I feel happy for not being alone anymore. But I feel rather unhappy with my current self. Because... I'm still such a loser.

Quit complaining damnit. Do something about it!
What happened to JUST DO IT?
JUST DO IT LA!

Osla Osla... just STFU man. Ok, here's what you should do dumbass, don't think about anything and just START DOING YOUR EFFING WORK!
Now's GET YOUR EFFING ARSE WORKING!
I MEAN IT. GO.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Soul Search Day 10. A Tribute

Hail'ye all that're good, hail'ye'ol things great!
Curse'ye all that're bad, curse'ye'ol things rot!

Life's no free ride, 'cause life's never a free ride.
Ye take wutche get and lose what ye don't.
Blame misfortune fer misfavors,
But forget not that karma seeks.

When'ye receive, say praise!
When'ye give, say grace!
'S kay to be carefree, les not be ungrateful.

D'world twirls on Big Guy's thumb.
How it begins, how it ends,
Only Big Guy decides.

However...
Fate'sn't predetermined.
Destiny'snt written.
Seize the world in yer'own hands,
N'ye shall learn yer'true role.

O-ho regret, sorrow and demise!
Do know'ye how much meabhore'ye?!
Ye've scarred and branded filth into melife!
But without'ye, me'd have never become.

A-ha fufillment, bliss and satisfaction!
Do know'ye how much meadore'ye?!
Ye've blessed'n granted warmth into melife!
But with'ye, one may lose sight of what's true.

Reality exists for melads to live.
Illusion exists for melads to imagine.
Confuse not the realms'o d'two.
And d'path shall be open unto'ye.

Love'emlads who love ye,
As love ties knots' ends.
Forgive'emlads wo hate ye.
As hate only but drains.

Sure, life may be a hard boot in d'arse at times.
But there's no reason why melads could share not a mug!
Be jolly'n merry as'ye hee-haw yer'way through crapshits.
As moments're there to be lived,
Not to be put to damned waste!

A tribute to life all!
A tribute to smiles after rains of crapshits!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Soul Search Day 9 - Darkest Secrets

Darkest Secrets.

This was something pointed out by a friend of mine in a jokely manner.
"P.s. I know your deepest, darkest secrets. *shines torchlight*evil laugh*"

It was funny when I received it. I laughed of course.
I even gave back a lame comeback line for it.

But now that I think of it... do I really have any secrets to hide?

Most of my hidden secrets are already made known to.. a lot of people.

I've got nothing much to hide.
More like.. I've got practically nothing to hide.

If one would investigate me some day, I think the chances are that person would most probably find information about me pretty fast by just going through my ring of friends since my "secrets" are spread everywhere amongst the people I know.

I tell some over here, and some over there, and there are a several few who I share same ones with.

But overall, do I really have anything to hide at all?
Hm.

My blog pretty much tells everything, down from my family to my social life till the days I fall in love and emo or go down so low that I can't even get up sometimes.

The very reason why I chose to blog here is because... I don't.. think there's anything about me I should hide. I mean, I'm me. If I have some crappy parents, then I have some crappy parents. If I have some sucky childhood then I have some sucky childhood. If I have some disappointing acquaintances then there just are. Bad results, mistakes in life, it all contributes to what makes me me today.

I could always choose to write a diary... but.. pfft, I guess I should save the trees a little for the future of the generation. Not only trees, but fuel as well since plastic pens and mechanical pencils as though as leds and wooden pencils are all factory manufactured. And they all require electricity which is run by fuel. Not to mention diaries.

But I never said I never possessed diaries... hehe...

I'll never deny my existence in this world because all these fragments of memories in my mind are what remind me of who I really am, where I belong, what am I capable of.

And... I want to share it with the world.

My blog may be a small world now.
But soon, ten years later, or even longer, it may very well be my life's journal.
And I hope people can learn from what truth I'm able to provide from my life.
At least I know that if this blog lives, my existence in this world is not wasted.
As it may somehow affect someone's life someday.

I only hope that it's for the better.
If it goes worse, that is all up to that person who translates my information.

Just keep in mind that I only wish to have my existence acknowledged, not to unite nor devastate this world I live in, thought it'd be nice if I had the power to do either. Heh.

Like I said from before, this blog is proof that I've lived.
It's more than just a diary.
It's a place where people could relate to me as I could for them in which conventional diaries fail to do.

There was once, I felt so embarassed about revealling a truth of my life on blog. I was afraid of what my friends would think of me. So I deleted it. And when I told my friend about what I did, he went and said, "Why the hell did you even delete it for?"

Back then, I still took in what people say about me very seriously, so it was pretty natural of me to be afraid. That was almost 3 years back.

I felt so afraid that I even deserted my own blog. And when I complained to my friends about my own life, they started getting all pissed and moody. Then I read one part where one said, "Why the hell is he so down and all depressed for? He's got a blog right? Blog about it la. WTF man."

Thinking back, he was right and I can't help but feel stupid then. But things are different now aren't they?

Owh, lets reveal a secret. The person who said those two parts about deleting and blogging was none other than Chong Hsu-Cherng, one of the best buds I've ever had in my whole life though he doesn't think of me the same way...

Well, he did after all refer to me at one time to almost gay for saying things like that. I don't blame him. He is a straight guy after all. And well, I'm feminine. Hehe...

But you know what, who cares man. He did it and he changed a perception I had a long time ago. Truth be told, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be even blogging this very moment.

P.S. don't forget to refer to his post about Guardian Angels. It's amazing.
So amazing that sometimes, I think he is one in my life.
As he not only saved me from the clutches of suicide at one point of my life, when my mind was filled with pure utter bullshit which he couldn't even believe I could have thought of back then, and today, he still keeps me going in very small little ways.

He wished me luck in my change. It's time to return the favor.
Good luck and best wishes to you too!
Because you're an awesome much buddy. =)
Though you may be labelled as annoying in someone's list. >.<

Monday, September 21, 2009

Soul Search Day 8 - Progress

Progress. Progress.

That word is almost everywhere these days when we listen to the news talking about this country's progress and that country's progress and finally our country's progress.

But, this progress is more personal.
I stumbled upon my friend's blog wishing me the best of luck in my good change.
Well, thanks for that.

I guess its ok to look at the positive side of things.
But I mustn't elude myself from the reality I am still in.
With all these comfort comes ignorance.
It's good to keep our minds off from the bustles of life for a little while.
But we have to always remember that we have to return to the realm of what actually is, not continuing to escape into an illusive world.

I've to say.... I'm still quite unsure if the change I'm experiencing is good or not.
But it's something new in the very least.

Maybe its more like... whether this change is good or not is completely up to me.
If I want it to be good, then I'll have to at least try and make it good.

I'll never disappoint myself anymore.

My vows are still valid till this day.
But there is a chance that I might break my first rule for a chance that might never appear again.

I hope I'm making the right choices in life.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Aiks... I miscalculated. Soul Search Day 7*

Aiks... I miscalculated. It's supposed to be soul search day 7 today considering the fact that I began embarking on this journey last Sunday. Sleeping in early and waking up early has certainly affected my natural timer.

I'm starting to get too comfy with myself.
I mustn't forget the purpose of me starting this whole thing for myself.
I have to continue doing what I was set to do.
It's not a one time thing, it's a lifetime commitment.

I must keep my head straight.
I have a light in my life now.
I'd better start looking while it's still bright.
Who knows when it might be dark again.
I'll have to appreciate all the time I have.
There's not another second to waste.
To live as though today's my last day.

To break myself from the pathetic self I am in the present so that I will not regret in the nostalgia of my past when I'm in the present future because I have my life to change.
To find that higher horizon.
To reach that faraway star.
To go beyond reaches.

And smile proudly.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Soul Search Day 9 - Let It Out

Let It Out
sung by Fukuhara Miho
for Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood ED02

Let it all out, let it all out
Tsuyogaranakute iindane
Dareka ga kaitetta kabe no rakukagi no hana ga yureru

Jibunrashisa nante daremo wakaranai yo
Nagai nagai michi no tochuu de nakushitari hirottari
Kyuu ni samishikunatte naichau hi mo arukedo

Namida mo itami mo hoshi kaeyo
Ashita wo terasu akari no tomosou
Chiisaku mayottemo futari de tsukurou
Hoshikusu wo tsuyoku eien wo sagasou

Let it all out, let it alll out
Tarinai koto darake dayone
Tarinakute iindane dakara kimi wa deaettanda

"Tashika" ga nannanoka sorega shiritakute
Chiisana NAIFU wo kutsushita ni kakushiteta
Tsuyogatte tsuita uso no hou ga zutto ittakatta

Hontou wa kowai yo dakedo ikitteku
Kisetsu wa kimi wo kaze ni ga nadeteku
Chiisana te kazashite futari de tsukurou
Hoshikusu wo tsuyoku eien wo sagasou

Tadashii koto ga machigattetara dousurebaii
Kanashii koto tadashikattara ukeirerudake
Nakushiteta to omotetta demo kimi ga shitetta
Kimi ga ite hontou ni yokatta

Namida mo itami mo hoshi kaeyo
Ashita wo terasu akari no tomosou
Chiisana te kazashite futari de tsukurou
Hoshikusu wo tsuyoku ni eien wo

Sayonara itsuka wa kurukamoshirenai
Kisetsu wa soredemo meguri megutekku
Chiisaku mayottemo aruiteku
Kimi to aruiteku sore dake kawaranaideiyone

Translation

Let it all out, let it all out
You don't have to act so brave
The graffiti flower that someone painted on the wall sways

Nobody knows who their real selves are
Losing and finding things in the middle of this long, long road
There are days where we feel alone and we feel like crying, but...

Change these tears and this pain into stars
Turn on the light that will shine on tomorrow
I may lose my way a little
But together, we'll create stardust and search for an eternity that glows so brightly

Let it all out, let it all out
I'm so full of weaknesses
Because I've met you, it's alright to not be good enough

What will happen "for certain"? That's what I want to know
I hid a small knife in my sock
It always hurt more to put on a brave face and lie

It's really frightening, but regardless we'll keep on living
The wind gently caresses your smiling face
We'll hold out our small hands and together
We'll create stardust and search for an eternity that glows so brightly

What should I do if I misjudge what is right?
If sad things are what's right, should I just accept it?
I thought I was lost, but then I knew you
I really am glad that you're here

Change these tears and this pain into stars
Turn on the light that will shine on tomorrow
We'll hold out our small hands and together
We'll create stardust, an eternity that glows so brightly...

Farewells may come one day
But still, the seasons will come and go
I may lose my way a little
But I'll walk, I'll walk with you
That's the one thing I'll never change

This song is attainable through this link

This is... an incredible song to me.
Full credits to Zen for introducing such a great piece to me.
When he first let me listen to it, the song just immediately spoke to me,
as though this song was made to tell me something.

I captured the meaning almost immediately just by listenning to the original lyrics.
I was almost right for the true meaning but the impression I got was undeniably right.

This song was played when I faced a major decision.
And it just came at the right moment whereby I'd be needing an advice, or some sorta clue as to where I might be going after I decide.

But as I listenned, I once again remembered that life comes only once in a life time, and chances of wonderful opportunities are rare. If you let them go once, they might never appear before you in this entire lifetime again. Instead of being afraid and trying to run away from the decision because of an immense sense of insecurity, might as well journey into the unknown and take the road not taken by you for as long as you have lived. After all, one will not know what one does not venture.

Risk, yes, maybe. Danger, probably. Disappointment, not an uncommon affair. But regret... It feels almost ten times worse than all the the ones mentioned before.
To turn your back on something so rare and important in your life that just suddenly comes up right in front of you at that very moment... for something you keep holding on to even after fully knowing that you might not receive what you expect and already gotten hunches of it.

There are only three answers to this; stupid, loyal or opportunist.

Stupid comes in both loyal and opportunity, but it can also come as a single kind for a stupid person would be the coward who more than often runs away without even taking careful consideration of a certain matter and always taking the easy way out as solutions to such matters.

So if one is stupidly loyal, then one would be blindly loyal to something.
Same goes to a stupid opportunist, always hunting for risky opportunities without having a second thought about his or her actions and bet it all on luck.

A loyal one would normally stick to something even if it costs one his or her own life until one day, he or she would somehow feel betrayed or utterly disappointed so much to the extent that he or she completely loses faith in that something.

An opportunist would always consider the risks before gambling on luck in case if things go wrong, there's still a cushion below and the fall wouldn't be too hard to crack the soul too much.

I could say I was all 3, stupid, loyal and an opportunist.
More towards the stupidly loyal side, not so much on the opportunist type.
This is mainly because I've been waiting for something that I know almost nothing of, uncertain, unsure, and I blindly place my faith in it, even after several moments of utter disappointment, in hopes that maybe my faith won't be misplaced. So I kept on waiting and waiting, and there were times when the disappoinment just became too hard to bear.

Then.. a ray of hope appeared. Something I never expected to happen at all.
I've always been a pessimist because I always thought that if I always expected the worst things to happen, at least I know I'd be prepared for it, so I don't normally set good things around me, to avoid further disappointment. This could also be dubbed as what one would say running away from reality in which I hid myself in my own shell of darkness to avoid even more shadows to enter my concealed space, but nor shall any light enter as well.

When that light appeared, I felt this sudden charge of bliss for the first time in my life, a feeling so warm and cozy that never have I felt before even once throughout the whole 18 years of my life. I wanted to be forever shone by that light. But would that be a wise choice? I'd be stepping out of my shell and going out to reality again. Am I ready to face it?

However, if I don't grasp that light immediately, sooner or later it'll go dim, and that blissful feeling might never come again. So I had to decide quick.

To be blindly loyal.. or to turn my life around by taking a major risk as an opportunist?
I thought about it hard for a night. And I decided to let my emotions run its course, as nothing is more honest than raw emotions themselves.

Being honest has a price, which is exposing oneself to the world that knows no mercy, a cruel cold world constantly shrouded with shades of grey and little warmth, deluding the very shield that protects your core from the bloody fangs of reality. But... I thought about it really hard. I honestly felt that I'd rather tried to see what might come of that risk than just turning it away and let it pass and asking myself "what if?" in the future like a complete fool who never took a chance on anything to see if it might turn out to be a terror or a blessing, running away.

So I took a gamble.
Again, I was pessimistic, only seeing the bads in all things good.
Just when I thought I was going to be disappointed yet again just like many of my numerous encounters before, for the very first time in my mundane life, I wasn't let down.

My body - and my lips went silent. My thoughts rumbled and my heart started racing
Everything suddenly went into chaos. I wasn't sure where to start or what to do even after so much thinking. Then I reminded myself what I thought about before, about not regretting.

So I started allowing my heart out slowly. I was afraid that light might burn my heart if it were to be exposed to its light... but I was wrong. Wrong... in a good way. My bones were shaking when I faced the moment, but I tried with all my soul to brave the moment.

And... a miracle.
A miracle occured.
For once.. I felt accepted in this world of emptiness.
For once... I know I could face the world and always have a home to return to.

I embraced that light as it did for me, and it changed the course of my life forever.

I know not of what the future holds, but I do know that I can do something about it, to shape a future of my own then to just place empty faith in destiny and fate.

Let It Out is an exact tribute for that very moment I've went through. And it is also something I would like to share with all those who cared enough to delve into my space of solace. But more importantly, it also reflects my feelings to that moment. That song itself could be the story of what I was going through and it expresses even more meaning then the very words I compose in this dull space without rythm nor melody.

It's a great song, I hope there're people who appreciate it as much as I do, for it tells a part of my story.



Friday, September 18, 2009

Absurdities In Soul Search Day 7.

Absurd.

Ridiculously unreasonable.

What is truly absurd and what truly isn't?

I think that something is absurd if one thinks that a positive effort towards a common goal is absurd.

If a group of people, in any number at all but one, are trying to work towards a common goal in order to achieve a positive outcome among themselves, there's nothing I find absurd about it at all.

In fact, people who think this thought to be is absurd is absurd.

Efforts to create better things are never, even for once, absurd.
Absurd is something that suggests a proposterous idea, but no, I strongly believe that an effort which is for the sole purpose of reaching a better goal can never be absurd.

What do you think is truly absurd?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Soul Search Day 6 still... an unexpected compatabtility.

An unexpected compatibilty.

I really wasn't expecting anything at all, but I guess I was at least hoping for one somewhere deep within my heart.

An unusual compatability.

Such a chemistry.

It's odd... but it feels... good.
Stupid, dumb and foolish, but it feels good.

Am I making the right decision in my life?

Soul Search Day 6, Post 101 year '09

Post 101 - For the first time in my entire life, I didn't run away.

I took a large risk in my life.
For an opportunity which might very well be one that will only appear once in a lifetime.

Now I'm wondering if I'm gonna regret it.
But at the same time, I was thinking... why not think about how the tomorrows in my life will be from now on instead of whether I'd regret something that just happened? It's just so pointless.

I was always regretting not doing the things I really wanted.
So I allowed my heart to take over and guide me just this once.

I was expecting disappointment again.
But to my surprise, it was quite the contrary.
I... felt contended and happy.
Something I haven't felt for a very long time.
It's very different compared to hanging out with friends and being ignorant to the worries in our frustrating realities filled with challenges and indomitable obstacles.

I think I want to make this feeling last.
For now, at least.
For once... I feel accepted.

My life has meaning again.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Guardian Angel.

http://hsucherng.blogspot.com/2006/10/guardian-angel.html

Guardian Angel.

I was very inspired by this poem written by a friend who I've known for almost 4 years now 3 years back. Till today, I've still not forgotten the existence of this very eye-opening piece.

It speaks of "the one who oversees all from the shadows".

The one who watches from behind.

The one who helps you when you're not looking.

The one who listens to you without having to be nearby.

The one who'd protect you even if universe is the distance.

The one who brings you up when you fall and leaves quietly so that you may have the spotlight.

The one who talks when you want to listen.

This thing has no specific form nor shape.
It could be a friend, a foe, a pet, a plant and even to a none-living object like a Lucky Coin.
In fact, sometimes, we don't even realize that we are the Guardian Angels themselves.

Guardian Angels are often not eternal. They come and go.
You may have a great friend who you grow fondly intimately with for a certain period because you just owe that friend practically your whole life for bringing you up again. But unfortunatel, you no longer see that person after 3 weeks of side by side coziness.

That friend could've been said to be the Guardian Angel during that specific moment of your life.
But that person went away since everyone has his or her own life to chase. And that friends is not any different, so his leave was iminent.

Following the passing, you in turn inspire people with your newly acquired spirit. This then has made you a Guardian Angel for those who you've inspired, because you shone some light into their lives, so much so that they feel so motivated to reach greater heights.

Soon, you too had to leave. However, a picture of you remains in the doorways of your school, leaveing an image of your confident bright smile which shows undeniable happiness and fulfillment.

People soon became aware of it and wonder to themselves to how they could achieve such a position one such as you once had. That image of you then becomes a Guardian Angel and continues to breath life into the lives of others till one day, that image becomes taken down or faded into memory.

As you can see, nothing physical lasts forever.
However, this Guardian Angels... they live in people's hearts.
So do memories in thoughts.
And perhaps true love and friendship.

Ask yourself now, have you ever encountered a Guardian Angel in your life?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Soul Search, Day 5, things happen while I went off.

I just...

Got something unexpected.

Most probably because I already decided not to expect anything from anything anymore, which is why it is such a surprise to me.

Do I.. really matter that much in others life?

I guess there are a few people who I have brought impact into their lives before.

Is this what really living with purpose means?

Hmm... I suppose I'll set it aside for now.
Until I feel it's right to go.

Soul Search, Day 4, a question by a concerned friend.

A friend asked me this:

Hey, you look unhappy these days.
Don't think so much k?
Just go with the flow.
No need to have any determination to change yourself.
If you still want to, just do it bit by bit going along as you feel that you can handle it while feeling happy.
Don't stress yourself to change, it's not good to let everything down when you are too conscious of it.

So I replied:
Not unhappy. Just trying to avoid the usual stuff.
I'd love to hang out with friends more often, but I have commitments to fulfill.
That's why I'm a bit spaced out now.
I need to focus on my work. My family's paying almost RM50k just for me to study here.
I chose this. I mustn't go back on it.
Sure I'm conscious of everything.
Which is the very reason why I'm spacing myself out from everything but my work and assignments.
It's hard, but no reason for me not being able to do it.
After all, if this kinda homework oso I larat, then this is pfft, kacang goreng.
Just need to maintain now.
And get better.

And one more thing.
I really take it to heart when people say things like "I hate you", "I mean the hate hate".
If you wanna hate me fine, then don't bother me anymore.
But if you're not then please refrain from saying things like that from now on.
I've been disappointed enough by a lot of friends.
You have your share as well, but I kept it quiet because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
But now I realize that friends are just friends. No matter how much I try, they always have their own lives to live.
Their own priorities, their own joys, their own moments. Not that I'm any different.
But I really find it hard to trust almost anyone in the class now, not to mention in my life.
Last sem, I thought I knew almost all of you. That I had great friends to share my life with.
That I was lucky to have such great friends.
Now, I think I'm terribly wrong.
I don't even know any of you at all.
Because I'm not even sure if the characters all of you are in front of me are real or made up.
I can't differentiate it anymore.
Seriously, sometimes I don't even know if you people are joking or making comments, and they really drill into my soul.
So painful sometimes that I feel like screaming out. But I can't can I?
Because you're all friends and I'd probably be disturbing the "world peace."
And if I break a fight, people'd just go "hey Osla, chill man, seriously," as though they know every single shit about me.
I'm too exhausted to bother about expecting anything from anyone anymore.
I'm gonna change my life myself. Noone can do this but me.

Well, thanks for asking anyways.
But I was really damn effing irritated and angry when you said "I hate you."
It's the same as "I love you". Don't say it unless if you really mean it.
And your tone didn't hit the least sarcastic. I couldn't even tell if you were joking or you were making statement.
See my point now?

If you really want to know how I really feel inside, then just read my blog, if that is if you even care or bother.
searizeel.blogspot.com

Because I've lost nearly all hope in friends.
Almost everyone in my life has been a total let down till this very moment.
If I want to change, I have to take action myself.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Soul Search Day 2 - What Do I Look For In People?

Soul Search Day 2 - What Do I Look For In People?

There are some characters which I like.
And some which completely annoys me.
Also some other which I really couldn't be bothered at all.

But what do I look for in the people I befriend with?
Excitement?
Joy?
...Life?

Or perhaps the slight chance of finding true love among all these people.

Or... looking for someone who's willing to understand.

Is it too greedy to be looking for love and understanding in one person?
I may have some people who like me.
God knows if someone loves me, besides my family (though I really wonder..)
But.. there are a select few who truly understands me.

I feel most comfortable not when loved or liked, but when I'm being understood.
Who I am. What I am. Why I do the things I do.

I can love anyone.
I can understand anyone.
I can trust anyone.

But is there a soul out there who can do the same for me?

I'll just have to keep on looking.

As a covenant to myself in this journey of soul search, I've cut myself away from the normal world of social life; meaning less talk and more action. Those are just words that are implied to myself. So to make certain that I'm really serious, I've let go of my hair by asking my mother to remove its length. I always wanted to keep long hair, but I think it's time to let go.

I'm still a member of the Voluntary Aid Detachment. But now, I'm temporarily out. I've called a succint to action upon myself by informing my commandant about my current status through a phone call on Saturday night, when I decided to turn my life around. Though, due to bad reception, eh was unable to listen clearly, so I sent him a text. He didn't reply, so I can only assume that he fully understood what I've told him.

So far, things have been turning out for the better. I'm looking forward to better changes.
I'll make sure I make my life well worth it.

To live with a true reason.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Unplug.

-Loading System Text-
-Loading Files.
-Initiating start sequence. . .

Hi all. This is Osla.

I've realized that no matter how hard I tried, I could never be truly satisfied.
I've friends. But I've noticed that they can be really heartless at times.
And sometimes, they hurt my feelings real deep without knowing.

I've been spending a lot of time with these "friends".
Wasting time again and again right after another.
For what reason?
To have fun? To let someone hear me out?

So what if I laugh my ass off all day?
Am I satisfied in the end of the day?

No. I do not feel satisified at all.
Enjoying life is one thing, but accomplishing my own personal goals... what happened to that?
I tell people I want to do this in that. But right after that, I end up wasting the rest of my youth "enjoying life" again ignoring the life in the future ahead of me.

I feel... tired with people now. It's as though no matter what friends I have.. they all just somehow end up the same way. Disappointing me again and again.

Or perhaps it's just me expecting something from them. I should expect nothing from hereon henceforth.

I expect nothing from my family. I expect nothing from my friends. I'll only expect things from myself. Because the more I expect from others, the more I grow tire of all these relentless subject called "life".

I can't blame anyone. This is noone's fault. Nobody's born perfect. Everyone has his or her own characters and traits. No single soul is 100% similar to one another. Even twins who share a split image of themselves become different in a latter part of their life.

I do admit though, I've met some really good friends throughout this whole period of time. There are some who disappoint me, but there are also those that inspire me to continue on walking and reach the stars. But I now realize that I'm doing myself no justice by spending time with them. If I'm not doing what I supposed to do, I shouldn't be spending time with friends. It might be fun, but I have to reconsider my place.

The life in which ignorance is a bliss is no more. I'm all grown up. As much as I want to remain happy all the time, reality is what it is, and I've to learn and face it myself.

I'm in desperate need of an intensive soul searching. I need to know the purpose of my life and what I really want to do with it. Everytime I turn on my handphone, a line saying,"Remember the purpose of your living" appears. It's a line a wrote to remind myself what I really wanted to do with this one life I have. But ironically for me, everytime that line appears before my very eyes, all I could hear was nothing but silence in my heart, or maybe a whisper asking, "what am I really living for?"

I need some space for myself.
I have to find my light again.
I'll just have to keep on searching.

For now, I might have to bid a momentary farewell to all my friends because Osla is going to be in "soul search" mode from now on. I donno when Osla's gonna reactivate "normal mode" again. For all I know, he might not even revert to normal mode if he doesn't find the answer he's looking for.

Osla might not smile so often anymore. He might be more silent than usual. He might not accept invitations to participate in groupings until he's absolutely sure if he's able.

Aside from the fact that he doesn't interact with his mother very often now after the "throw everything inicident". He knows deep down that his mom said that of good intentions, but he just couldn't forgive her anymore until she says sorry to him. That phrase really made him feel like rubbish, and now he feels as though he lives in a place called home no longer. Now, it's just a house with people called "family" inside. People who have on countless occassions disappointed him once a time too many already. Because he always believed in family spirit, and no matter how hard things go, a family should always stick together. But that incident with his mother was the final straw for him, especially when it came from the person who he imparted his trust the most to all 18 years of of his life since the day he was brought into this world. The very mother who gave birth to him and nurtured him till he became the man he is today.

I'm alone. I know I have friends and family members who care for me. But I'm alone. Because I'm just not someone that important to them.

No don't worry. This is not a suicide note. There'll be no news headline talking about a boy who just committed suicide by jumping out of a 19th floor window or anything of tnat sort. That I can gurantee.

I'd like to use this opportuinity to say thank you to those who've really made my life more meaningful for all these times. But I need to do this. After I've tuned myself to the way I'm satisfied with, I'll be back. But there's no guarantee that Osla will be the same person you know the next time you meet him. He just needs this change for himself. He's really sick of his bad habits. He just seriously wants to change.

Till then, Osla will be unplugged. Disconnected from all the things who've been stalling him from truly moving on. He's dead serious this time.

The fourth rule in his vow, to remain happy. He might be trying his best to live up to that code now by really understanding himself and wanting to do the things he really wants the most.

The other codes of his vow, it just doesn't really matter much anymore. He already has a queen in his heart's throne, why bother asking himself not to go for a relationship if he knows he's incapable of handling a relationship if he can't even handle himself?

Good grades and success will naturally come if he's really devoting his life to his work while he's working. Lazyness won't be an issue anymore if he can really let go of all the reasons he holds to continue on procrastinating aimlessly all these while and even forget the very reasons to why he even procrastinates sometimes.

Osla will be soul searching. Let's just hope it's not too long or for eternity. But I trust he'll adapt to his new lifestyle very soon. I believe he can achieve his goals. Because after all, he's Osla. He can do anything he wants doesn't he?

It is time for Osla to unplug.

-Connection signal lost-


Lay Them Down, Push Them Aside.

Lay them down, push them aside.

For now.

I think I'll have all the time I have to play games later. So I think I'll really focus on studying only.
I always say this but it never starts. Well, I'll make sure this time I do.

These games are starting to really bore me. And I get irritated for no reason. Well, ok maybe because the games get laggy? Doh, but you can't exactly blame an ill-equipped laptop now can you?

I think...
No.
I BELIEVE.
I believe that I'll be happy and proud of myself if I get good grades. In order to do that, I need to give quality work to my lecturers. Not just quality, but works saying that "hey, this is goood stuff and it's all me."

I guess if I want to relax... well, I do enjoy talking to a certain ring of people. Heh. Never fails to brighten up my day sometimes.

Or, if I need to let off some steam, I can always workout anytime.

Heh. I think I'm really ready to let go now.
If I could tell my old crush about how things were before I met the girl that really changed, this... it's no big deal at all I'd reckon.

Some other people I was attracted to. I managed to let them go as well.
Those were people.
Now its an interest I'm trying to eliminate.
Uh.. how different could it be anyways?
I wouldn't be attracted if I wasn't interested in the first place now would I?
Hmm.. sounds logical enough.

Just patahkan hati. And I can move on.
So again, it's time to lay them down, push them aside.

Friday, September 11, 2009

A Casual Date with Ms. Gorgeous.

Today, I spent most of my day at Sunway. In the morning, my Composition group meeting kinda messed up, though Manliness managed to pass to me her picture files and I got some two pictures with Zen's phone during lunch. Just when I thought I was gonna be having lunch with my old mates, I found an empty pocket behind my trousers. Oh great... forgot my wallet. So I bade farewell to my mates and hurried home to get my wallet. On my way to college, I then stopped by Syed for some nasi goreng lunch and resumed my journey to college.

I placed my bike at the usual post just a bit wasy off the pedestrian bridge. Then I walked my way to Sunway College to wait for Ms.Gorgeous. Well, she did text me before I went there saying that she'd meet up with me there. But I got slightly worried. Well, from the stories I heard, Sunway isn't exactly a safe place for a girl to roam alone, so I thought I'd just walk her there anyways. Just to be safe.

I'm glad I did though I had to wait for an additional 15 minutes after waiting for 15 minutes since 1.15 only to know that she finally read my text around 1.29 as I expected her to go to Sunway with a guy friend who she'd been telling me about for the past few days but she walked out alone and when I asked her she just replied with a simple question, "didn't I tell you that he wasn't going to make it today?"

Oh well, so we walked, talked about some stuff...then we reached Sunway Pyramid, got to the cinema area and queued up for our tickets. My mates were kind enough to offer some help in purchasing tickets but I declined since I thought that I still had a lot of time. I think this could be a way of them trying to make up to me for duping me out of the blue without any notice all of a sudden and completely forgetting about me until I actually called.

Ms. Gorgeous and I then talked about some movies and stuff... things so random I couldn't really remember now. 0.o. Oh, when we reached the counter, the cashier asked us if we wanted a couple's seat. Uh... we weren't couples but we asked for the price, seeing which rate was cheaper. The couple's had a no bar in between so couples could sit next to each with the warmth of their companion while enjoying a good movie compared to the normal seat with the normal arm rests. Interesting but it was RM1 more than the normal seats, so we just went Ugh... forget it and bought the normal seats.

When we asked for seats, there were only 4 left. Shyt man.. was Ugly Truth really that popular? Anyways... we had two choices. Get split and watch frot /back or sit together at a sorry side around the G row. We decided to go for the G since well, we're friends and we came together so why sit seperately anyways? Well, I asked her what she wanted and she was ok with anything, so I just took the sorry seats next to the side in row G.

We got our tickets around 2.14, so we had like another 30 minutes to lepak around Sunway Pyramid. I was really surprised when she said she'd never been the almost all the areas in Sunway Pyramid. The only places she probably would've known would be the main entrance, the cinema and Jusco. She's never dined in before in Sunway Pyramid, which is truly a very sad sad case. We even argued about Subway sandwich qualities compared to normal home made ones. Pfft... that girl ah... she never runs out of surprises. XD

Apparently, she's a pretty stingy girl. Well, I guess the more apporpriate word would be a saver. She saves a lot of money cutting costs from all her daily expenses. For instance, she only eats food that she cooks by herself, she rarely goes for outings and very careful with what she spends. Then I she mentioned about getting her groceries from Cold Storage and all after a 20 minute drive. AHA, a spot an attack opportunity! And I stroke! Well, she said Subway sandwiches were a tad bit too expensive for the portions they serve, but what she didn't know that burning petrol for 20 minutes would have probably costed someone maybe 2 Sub of The Days. And she still buys her ingredients. Unless if she buys her groceries in big bulks, then her 20 minute trip there wouldn't be that well worth it since the price of petrol only like goes higher and higher and not any lower.

Ok, met with E for a bit then showed her to some stall which sells models from animations and stuff since she was looking for some Ultraman models.

Then we arrived at theatre and went into our seats. Hmm.. guess the sides weren't really that bad after all. The view was still pretty good. It seemed like the view I'd get from watching the tv at home. Heh. Ugly Truth really rawked. I'd reccomend this show for anyone who's in need of a damn good laugh.

After we were done with the show around maybe 5, I splitted up with her and met up with E again then sent E home. I walked back to Sunway Pyramid after that and I entered the entrance again. Well, since I was there, I thought I'd ask her where she was. So I texted her. Meanwhile, I headed to Popular for a while.

*message received* well well well, what do we have here, we were at the same place! XD
oh, same store, but different sections. I was looking through some books and I met Lyd there. I met up with Gorgeous at the cd sections. She was apparently looking for some classical music cd's, the instrumental type. I wanted to reccomend the Nodame OST to her but it wasn't in the store. So while she was trial running some cds, I thought I could maybe check Animetech for a while for their stock of OSTs. I kinda ran there, but the cd was not in stock unfortunately. When I returned to Popular, I thought she was gone already, then she came up from nowhere and gave me a freak surprise. Heh, thought she went off already. I went down to check on Lyd for a bit and when I looked back at Gorgeous' direction, this time she was really gone. Lol...

Well, I texted and guess what, she said she was right outside Popular. I looked around but I couldn't see her anywhere an GYAH~! she snuck behind me and surprised me again. Seriously man, she's just very.. fresh I guess. I'd never have guessed anything about her and new things just keep coming up the longer I know her. Heh.

After that, I walked her back to her hostel just to be safe. Well, she is a girl after all, and I DID ask her out, so I guess it falls to me to be responsible over her safety throughout the outing. Well, I wouldn't wanna regret if anything happens to her later. Better safe than sorry.

This outing all started with a conversation we had last... Monday morning. We msn'd till about 4.30am in the morning. We were exchanging viewpoints about what to do and all. How to motivate ourselves and realize our true potential. I started by giving her a profile about how much I knew about her. I guess it did help her a bit. Giving her that advice reminded me again about who I was and what i was capable of doing. So I felt motivated after the talk.
The following night, we just thanked each other, and I just thought, hmm.. since she never really went out before, I thought I'd just ask her to join a movie with me. Supposed to be with more friends, but turns out only the two of us went. Oh well.

I guess.. we felt like we owed each other one. There was this one time when we had a mind synch too, somewhat similar to what I had with Imba before when I chatted with her. We had this sort of sense of gratitude towards each other.

Hm.. I can't say I don't like Gorgeous. She's an attractive girl. I tried giving myself a chance with that outing with her... but I guess I'm still too reluctant to let the one who queened my heart go just yet. *sigh*... guess that's what happens when you love someone that much.

Well, it was a great outing anyhow. Enjoyed it a whole lot. Especially during the movie. ^^

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

The image of her.

The image of her appears again within my mind.

I saw... a scene of her in a beautiful white dress which complimented her looks better than any dress could decorated with a brilliant smile on her face. I saw my face there in the picture... but I wasn't sure which side I was in. Because either way, if she's getting married, I'd still be happy for her. Because... that was one of promises for her.

I gave my word that no matter what decision she chose for her life, I'd be happy for her, if the person for her life isn't me, then I can only give her my blessings.

Why... why do I still reminicise about her?
I'm not even sure about her feelings for me.
Do I really love her that much?

Even if she did... like me... even for one bit, what are her grounds for it?
What's the reason behind the feeling?
Was it my character?
I highly doubt its my looks.
Or was it just a feeling void of reasons, it just.. happened. Something similar to how I felt for her.
But it grew only but stronger as I knew her deeper, no less, and even with this distance, I still feel this thread that ties us together in the whim of destiny, slowly pulling us closer despite the enormous distance between us.
This distance is not only in physical means, but more importantly, the distance between both our hearts. I still feel close to her up till this very moment. I can not help but only wonder or hope that she feels the same way.

All I know is just that one day that made her get that impression about me. That created that fire inside her eyes when I looked at her. I know not if it still burns.
If...by small chance, if that feeling exists in her... how long will it lasts?
Will I be waiting for a moment of extreme joy or the devastation of a lifetime?

This is a leave it or take it issue. I suppose I'll just have to take my chances, because... I just love her that much. Damnit.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Her face...

Her face...

I stumbled upon it while I was looking for references earlier in the morning.
Sure... feels like a wave of something hit both my brain and heart again.

All those memories...

Heh. No point remorsing now.
Just gotta do my best.

Whoever I love will be the luckiest girl on earth... huh?

Monday, September 07, 2009

Time to start fresh.

Time to start fresh.

"Everyday is a new day" - Chicken Little.
It was a bit of a joke when that buffed chicken popped the coke cans and blasted off to after he said that, but I guess it wasn't all that wrong.

Time to remind myself of my vow.
No relationships.
Good results.
No more damn sloth.
If not, then no future with her.

I think... I'll add one more to the list.

Staying happy...

Yeah, I think I'll be needing that. I'm sure she would want that too.
I'm slowly moving past her now. It feels more neutral now.
No more overdominance in my mind.
Just occasional pulses of feelings that I get when I get reminded of her.

I'll keep on waiting. Or not. Hehe...
I'm predicting something. Mmm... ^^

I'm done.

I'm done.

Feeling pathetic and miserable. Done.

No more.

Special credits to CYX. Heh, you never cease to amaze me really. You really remind me of Imba. Clicked so well with me that I feel so alive again. Hehe, Panda panda pandapandapanda eyes~

Huu~ thanks a bunch.
Never thought I'd be this happy again. ^^
Man, I feel like doing something. I donno what. Something. Mmm...;)

Sunday, September 06, 2009

... whatever.

... whatever.

It's futile to think about things that you absolutely can't do at all.

My mom seems to have calmed down a bit, but I still can't let that stupid feeling go.
Usually I'd just go and apologize to her just to let her have some peace.
But no, not this time, she's just really crosses the line for me.
I can't bear to say sorry to her anymore.
This is mainly because it was her who started all these.
If she wasn't such a clean freak and could perhaps understand why I was so messy all the time because of my unusually inappropriate schedule thanks to TOA.
Or is this just me again being the lazy sorryass whimp who doesn't give a shit to the world and wanders off into his own dreamland and when it snaps, I just go snappy.

Maybe.

But this house. It's not mine anymore.
I'll leave this house one day.

Till then, I'll be living in this house like how I stay over in a hotel or any other people's place.
I'll only take care of my part and touch only what I'm supposed to.
I'll stay away from whatever that is not supposed to be my business.

I have a family.
But my family feels like total strangers.
Sure, taking care of me and all.
But why can't they just indulge a bit of their time into understanding?

Like I said, whatever. I'm just... fed up of all these mindless arguments and all.

I'll take this as an opportunity to change my life then.
It's still the same ol' place, but it's gives of a completely different atmosphere now.
Like I said, I don't feel like this is home anymore.

I'm here to study and achieve success. So that's what I'll be doing. The PS2, that's not mine. The computer? It's not mine. I shouldn't be going there too much.

Whatever already. I'll be glad enough if not happy if I could just do all my work in peace without finding any of the things I need to do my work missing at some point, which is freaking irritating.

Whatever.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Nothing.

Today, I just realized that I have virtually nothing on my life thanks to my mom.

I just finished clearing my table and room. It looks clean, but I don't feel satisfied one single bit.

Why?
Because nothing in this house is mine.

Over all these years, I've only been given allowances by my parents. This means I own nothing. My parents own everything.

My mom was so obsessed with cleanliness that she threatened to throw all my things out if I don't keep them properly in order, neatly.

Naturally, I wanted to fight back. But then, a voice inside just cried out,
"Then throw everything la! I have nothing in this world. The house isn't mine, all these things I use for my work aren't from my money, nothing! Even ME! I don't even OWN MYSELF. My mom practically owns me because she gave birth to me. So what else do I have?"

Right after that, I just really wanted to say,
"YOU WANT TO THROW SO MUCH THEN THROW LA EVERYTHING. EVEN IF I CARED WHAT WOULD CHANGE? YOU OWN ME RIGHT? I DON'T OWN MY LIFE RIGHT? THROW WHAT YOU WANT. BUT BEAR IN MIND THAT FOR EVERY SINGLE THING THAT BELONGS TO ME IS THROWN, THAT'S GONNA BE HOW MUCH YOU'RE THROWING ME OUT OF THE HOUSE. EVEN I CAN'T DECIDE IF I WANT TO END MY LIFE, BECAUSE ITS NOT MY LIFE ISN'T IT? IT'S JUST YOU! ALL YOU! HAPPY NOW!?"

"You know what, no wonder you and papa are still together, because the two of you are just about the same, You two just make such a
This is the first time ever in my life I just feel like saying, "FUCK YOU!" in front of my mom. I'm just completely worn out. This house isn't mine, I'm just boarding it. Everything I have right now, I'm just borrowing them. I don't own anything.

This is also the first time I really feel like it'd be so good for me to be able to just get out of the house and live alone by myself. I'm really at my limits with my family.

I have nothing. And I'm always alone. That's just how it is.


Some things that I missed during the holidays.

Looking back at Zen's blog, I found out that I missed a lot of things of what the whole holidays were supposed to be. I guess it can't be helped. They planned it when I was in redang so it's only natural that I was left out for a bit.

But I still remember clearly a remark Godly told me.
He said
"Osla, I noticed that you're beginning to grow distant from the group"

I guess I'll have to agree to that. Why I distant myself?
Probably because of the whim of responsiblities I have over myself.
Honestly, I would like to forget all of my worries and have fun without a care about the world.
But there are still things to do, things that might affect the way I live.

Being with friends is a wonderful feeling. But if not controlled, it'd slow us down. I think I'm not the only person who feels this way. But having friends is nonetheless something everyone should have, because "there's someone for everyone".

Damn.. I completely forgot about Zhong Yan's birthday. I was preoccupied during the day that I completely forgot about it. Well, I was out for almost 4 hours cycling around Templar road and Jalan Gasing finding school to collect survey forms from for MRCS.

I had trouble locating Catholic High, but I eventually found it in the end, around 6pm. When I returned home, I was pretty worn out after a whole day's cycling. So I just relaxed over the couch and turned on my com for a bit.

I stood up the whole night playing Arcanum which kept on captivating me to keep on playing till 7.30am, and I still didn't feel tired then. As a result... My day started only around 2.30pm.

Then I chatted with Jo Yee and Yen Lin for a while. Watched Glittering Days and Night After Night.

And I had a surprise visit from Sze Mei on msn. She's... pretty stupid. XD But.. she's a nice girl. So nice that she tends to trust people easily. She's just so curious about who I'm waiting for. Even after several efforts guessing, she still failed anyways. Maybe she wants to know what love really is because my stories to her really seem to fascinate her. Pfft, she's probably thinking of me as a living love novel. Well expected for someone with her intellect lol. She'd always come up on msn to choi me when she sees me. First thing in her mind will always be about "Tell me who!!". I'd always say "I feel like raping someone now..." and she's just go "yeeeeeeer". Heh, she's kinda fun to talk to I guess. When I felt like I really had noone at all, she just came up and did the usual thing. I just though noone would care enough to just drop me a hola. And there she was, as enthusiastic as ever. She was the only person I talked to about how I felt after She sent me a sudden sms. Blerhz, I feel kinda ridiculous now for always telling all these stuff to a 14 year old kid. I hope I'm not poisoning her mind too much for Chong Sheng would soon have my head on the platter. Heh. But still, I enjoy her company. I guess I could acknowledge her as a good friend of mine.

I don't really understand why she's so eager to talk to me anyways. It's not like I'm the most interesting person in this world. But her presence has been such a delight to me.

Which again.. reminds me of her again. Any girl I talk to, look at or think about, it'd immediately take me back to her. Hmm.. guess I just can't get her off my mind just yet. I'm still trying to live for myself. But it's pacing very slowly.

It's just so much easier to live for someone else. Why can't I ever achieve the motivational level I get from doing something for someone in doing something for myself?

It's just so different.

It's easier, but I don't want to keep living for someone else.
I want to know what it really feels to be fully dependant on yourself.
but yet again.. talking is easy. Doing it... that's another thing.

I guess, in this area, music really helps.
My new Sony W headset mp3 has been great. It does feel a bit painful to my ear as although the headset is designed for perfect fit, my head ain't that perfect so yeah, Oww.. But I like the part in which it never comes off. Well, it doesn't exactly stay in place as the buds move a bit outer as I move. But it's a nice change, compared to my iPod which was like so irritating because the audio jack's messed up and I have to adjust for like 5 minutes just to get my earphones connected to the gadget and fully functional for L and R. This then affected the file transfer port which takes me about the same amount of time to adjust it in place for the stupid light to blink. The worse part would always be the fact that the earphones fall off my ears as I walk, cycle, jog, run, anything at all. My new buddy doesn't at all, which is just terrific.
Heh, now I really do enjoy my long hair, it actually covers up my mp3 heh. Pretty swanky.

I always tell myself I need to get myself rollin', but when am I ever gonna start?

I missed so many good things in life already. Is it all gonna be worth it?

I guess only time will tell...

Thursday, September 03, 2009

True Love

True love.

I can say for sure that almost every single soul on earth years for it, because no matter how much we try to deny the fact, we all don't want to be alone.

I went out with E today, thinking that she could use some company for a change instead of just dating herself liek she always do. I wouldn't mind at all being alone because to me, alone-time is like total freedom, well, if you do know how to make the best of your alone-time. If not, then you're probably gonna get so bored that you feel like a worthless hap of trash.

E didn't go that far, but pretty close. Heh. Well, she doesn't have much friends on college anyways, so since I was free, I thought maybe I could cheer this poor girl up. Living with meaning. I said that before in one of my previous posts. I guess this is one way. Being a good friend.

Well, I know what loneliness feels like and for people who can't bear being alone, they really face a hard time with themselves. I can bear it because I know what to do when I'm all alone and i accept loneliness as a part of my life. But for E, it's quite the different case so... Well, its always worthwhile to see a smile on someone's face.

I guess I'll have to agree with S, a girl who currently faces dire family issues. She said that I had a stronger will than most other people and that I'm a bit different. I disagreed at first. But now I think I'm starting to see the light of it. I guess maybe I really am different. In a good way though.

So, we went out for 2 movies today. Final Destination 4, was a complete waste of money for me. I'd bet Kung Fu Cyborg would've been much a better choice but hell, that was the only show before 12 so we tried out. It wasn't scary, just... gory. Like freak accidents, sudden mutilations and premonitions. Well, if you're into these kinda stuff, then maybe it's a good movie for you, but for a guy like me who watches damn helluva lot of gore movies thanks to my ever so inspring elder brother, it really doesn't give me much sparkle. Heck, I even enjoyed Jason X more.

Now... Up... Was a very great show. I loved the storyline and its emotional appeal. I almost cried at a few parts. Damn, I already forgot that old man's name. Mr... uh-K whatever. I liked the prelude. He got married with a childhood friend who had the same interest with him. And as they went through they days in marriage, it was an adventure for the both of them. They were loyal to each other, and stood to each other side by side till their time was up. I was deeply touched by this show.

Family... That was one issue that was addressed in the movie when the talking dog, the weird colourful bird and chubbylamewildernessboy Jimmy joined the pack. They were all... clueless with themselves at first and they finally found a reason for themsleves to hold on to as the adventure came to an end.

I admired the old man's spirit. His love for his wife... I could easily say was larger than the whole galaxy combined. Someday, I wish I could find the love of my life and live together everyday facing the normal days in life and having fun while making each other feeling special all the time. If only I can...

Oh, I got a new Mp3 player. It's a Sony W headset series. The one that is in the shape of a headset. it's pretty cool and it's perfect for a jog-manic like me. It never comes off and it's just sooooooooooooooooooo comfortable. My iPod and the MP4 player my family got me before were tremendously irritating, especially the iPod. It gave me so much problem that I just gave up on music. But some music lived though since I already remembered the tune and lyrics.

Blogger Boy, today, Budi finally confessed to Nina of his love for her. They were both in love with each other but the both of them were too afraid to admit it because they feared of what might become of their current friendship. Budi was pushed to desperate measures, since his mom gave him only 2 days to decide whether or not he wants to marry this super hawt chic, Maya, played by CHERYL SAMAD.

He asked Maya out and came clean to her. She was grateful with a slight hint of disappointment, but it was better than lies. She left saying "Kalau takdir tu kita jumpa lagilah, Bye".

He rushed to Nina's house after adding an extra word on his love letter which he was supposed to have been mailed to Nina during his secondary high period but didn't end up sending it to her as he burned the contents of the mailbox after regretting but soon finds out during his present life that it was posted to her after all since the postman might've come to pick up the mails when he left and walked off to the other direction and she even had a reply letter ready for him.

He reached her house and rang the doorbell several times, but nobody was home. Then the rain just started pouring. As we was about to turn back, Nina came back home in her car and they met. He passed the note to her and she read it intently.

The original message was, "Don't be surprised, but I think I'm in love with you"
The edited one goes,"Don't be surprised, but I think I'm /\ still in love with you"

Nina fell into deep awe with what she saw as... he DOES and still DOES feel the same way about her, and she feels the same for him. She was overjoyed with his confession and cried. They both shared a tender moment together and-CUT. Yeah that's it.

But... I like the fact that Budi took a chance. He didn't want to regret not giving a shot at all on her since he's been in love with her even after so many years past high school. He couldn't care about the consequences anymore because, it he was facing a "now or never" scenario.

The both of them always thought about each other and looked out for one another without even realizing. Nina kept on insisting that she'd be a great friend to Budi, but in reality, she really loves him. She supports him in whatever he does, but when it came down to whether she should step up, she thought that Budi'd be so much better off with another girl because she deems herself unfit for him.

Gyah, this is one thing that really gives me a heartache about love these days. If you love someone, be honest and come clean. Stop running away from it and telling yourself that someone else would be much better for that person you love. Who died and made you God anyways? Nobody has a right to decide who's the best for who. Only that person himself can decide for his or herself. If you really love that person, as a human who've lived almost all his life in humilty and embarassment with not many places to turn to, I'd say No. Don't do this to the person you love. Come clean to that person and let him decide. If you hide your feelings forever, then you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Even if two people are in love with each other, they well NEVER know until one party steps up. Relying on the right moments may be easy, but they don't come everyday. And when they come, people always have trouble deciding whether they should take the opportunity or not. But all that matters is that if you love someone, please, tell that person how you feel. Stop avoiding it. It won't be any good to that person nor you.

Waiting for him/her to notice you is one thing. But what if he/she doesn't? So really, don't run away. I quote from Ghosts of Girlfriends' Past, "Having a painful argument in a Sunday morning- or even more than that in the future is definitely way better than living with regret, trust me, you don't want to live with it."

True love.
It only comes to those who try hard enough, not those who cower and hide.
If only life would be like a happy-ever-after fairy tale whereby Prince Charming would meet his destined Princess and live in eternal bliss together, but lets face it, not everyone has that kinda luck.

If you fail, get up and try again. You have to keep on trying until you find the one who feels the same way about you. Once that happens, then your real adventure will start. If you think finding your true love is hard, think again because sticking to each other for the rest of your life is an even larger commitment then you can ever imagine. How easy or difficult it is, well, it depends on the two of you. Nothing else.

Me? I already did my part. I confessed openly that I loved her. And I still do. Now it's just her turn. I wonder every single day if these feelings I have for her would ever go away. I haven't kept in touch with her for almost 2 weeks, and yet, my feelings for her are as similar as it was 4 months ago.

I'm trying my best not to do anything for her, because she wished me not to. It's not like I don't want to surprise her any longer, in fact I still have so many ideas I haven't tried out yet. But she just doesn't want me to, because it makes her feel guilty.

Wait huh? I'll see what the future holds for me. I'll hang on to the feelings that I have for her. I'll remain loyal to none other than her alone until I meet with someone else who can captivate my heart and make me fall in love again or until she comes to me with an answer.

It's hard for me to fall in love again though... Because in every girl I see, it's only her face I see in my mind. My feelings for her are at its maximum intensity when I spend time with other girls. I just... don't have any room for another girl in my heart.

Everytime I see another girl, the first thing that comes to my mind would be,"I wonder how is she doing now?" When I talk to another girl, I'd be thinking about "heh, I wonder what she'd say if she was here..."

However, while I'm still waiting for her answer, I'm still open to anyone else. I don't discriminate. I'd defnitely give a chance to anyone who thinks she wants to have a shot with me. But I'll if I'm ever gonna go out with a girl.

This will be my first line if someone confesses to me.

"O... I'm honoured to have someone feeling that way towards me, but... will you still want to go out with me knowing that my heart has been taken? I don't think I'll be able to let go of her anytime soon, but still, I won't mind giving a try, that is if you still want to."

There's only 6 possible outcomes from this.
1*she runs away in shame
2*she walks away disappointedly
3*she declared me her sworn enemy for breaking her heart which I'd rather do to her than letting her live with a false lie for the rest of her life
4*she expresses her wish to maybe just remain as friends
5*she was thankful for the honesty, but she thinks that maybe it'd be better if we become complete strangers again
6.*she doesn't mind at all that I love someone else and still wants to take a chance on me.

Maybe a few more outcomes but lets not go over the infinite possibilities now.

Well, not that I think any girl would just walk up to me and say "I LIKE YOU!" anyways. I'm not that fortunate to be flocked by beautiful swans in my life.

Well, for now, I'll just play with Patience and make the best out of all the alone-time I have. After all, I have to try and live a life with meaning.

True love... will I get to experience it in this life?