Someone once asked me that after reading my blog posts.
What is this soul search deal exactly?
Am I just doing it for fun or is it a serious issue?
To be honest, I'm not sure myself now.
When I began my soul search post, I was very serious and determined to look for a purpose in my life, but a few days after, I went through a drastic change in my life, and all the purpose of the search was lost in the light of it all.
Maybe not all. But most of them just went amiss. It wasn't a bad thing because that drastic change was a positive event in my life, but it felt oddly weird that all those feelings could just disappear with the occurrence of this one moment in my life.
Though I do not feel so hollow inside anymore, I mustn't let my guard down. This can be the time where I might be stricken with many invisible forces during these moments of endless joy. I must forever remain vigilant and avoid every trap I can.
However, that doesn't really explain why I'm still soul searching. Many long lost fragments of myself have returned, but what else is there that's missing? Just what am I looking for?
Or.. that endless drive that's still missing within me?
That inner energy that allows me to harness an infinite capacity of pure power to always keep me moving. What I want to know is... what fuels this energy?
Till I find it, this soul search will never end.
I need a source I can rely on for the rest of my life.
It may be hard to find, but I know it exists somewhere.
I'll keep on searching until I find it.
However, I do have a close feeling to that fuel.
It was just yesterday.
Greatness is misery.
Peculiar, but nonetheless true.
Dusk it was, sometime aroun 2.00am. I woke up and spent approximately 9 hours trying to finish up my work, and when the time was up, class began, but I rushed to class, late, passing up unfinished work, expecting a bad outcome, but to my surprise, it wasn't so bad after all.
After class, I forgotten that I had a talk to attend in the evening. I was fortunate enough to have stayed with my friends, and they reminded me as they started going off around 2.25pm in the library when I read through some books.
The talk ended sometime around 4.30pm, and I went back home right after. It came across my mind to fix up my bike's half-cracked seat. So I cycled to Damansara Jaya, where there was a reliable bike shop providing quality products for bikes. On the way there, I stopped by a petrol station top pump my bike's front as I recalled that it wasn't very pumped anymore.
As I positioned the nozzle of the pump to the mouth of my tyre, I was expecting to hear a blowing sound, but I heard nothing. I felt like something was amiss, so I checked my tyre and found that it got deflated completely. Alongside that, I also realized that the cap for my hind tyre's mouth was nowhere to be found, so I placed the front's cap on the hind tyre and pushed my bike to the neighbouring station to be pumped. It failed again. Weird.. there were no signs of puncture whatsoever, I wondered what happened.
With that happening, I was left with two options, whether to continue on to the bike shop just a few more hundred meters ahead or turn back home. I didn't want my journey to go to waste, so I continued my way to the bike shop on foot, jogging and jogging.
Before I reached the final destination, I decided to take a stop at Maybank to withdraw my money as I recalled that I had insufficient funds to pay for the repair. I reached my checkpoint and put my hand into my pocket to take out my wallet. Then only did I realize that I left my wallet at home. Ah, what luck.
On my way home, I stopped by another petrol station to borrow its washroom. Upon exiting the small encased cubical, the sky seemed much darker than before. I wondered if it was gonna be coming soon. To clear my doubts about my tyre, I tried again at the station's pump, and well, it was as I expected, no good again.
A few moments later, droplets of water fell to my face. I looked up to the sky and it started drizzling. I thought the drizzle wasn't too bad, so I continued my way back. Just as I took several steps across the busy road, it downpoured. What rotten luck. I quickly looked for a nearby shade under a playscape's roof in a playground to seek shelter.
I waited for some time until the rain finally stopped, and I continued on back home.
As I journeyed back, I was vigorously jogging back while pushing my disabled bike and I felt a pierce down my right foot. Once, twice, thrice and I went OUCH. I stopped to check what it was and I found a screw going through a layer of my shoes. My foot felt painful, but that sting was already there even before the screw pierced through a hole in my shoe. So I just strengthened my resolve and continued jogging home with the similar pace despite the pains of my feet.
When I was back, I felt satisfied and proud instead of feeling miserable for the miserable day. I realized that there was one thing going against all the demise of those moments, and it was the feeling of knowing that someone's there for me tomorrow, they day after and the days to come.
My legs never grew tired and the motor's of my body never broke down for even once. It felt easy to jog, as if I was flying. My legs were lightweight and my muscles were relentless and impulsive. Every single step was taken with determination and unwasted impact. Everything just felt right, as if I had a clear purpose to keep on running, to not give up. Like destiny was at my side.
I'm not sure if that's the right feeling I'm looking for... but I'm still uncertain if it'll always remain the same in the future. Doubts still linger within my mind about this fuel as an infinite source of energy. I'll just have to find out if it is truly reliable. But it felt really good. No... better than that. I felt explosive.
I must continue this journey, as my life has not ended yet, I've still much to learn. Wasn't there and old saying telling us that life is a neverending learning experience?
I can't stop.
I can't afford to stop.
I have to keep on going.
Because I don't want to live another day with regrets.
I want to know what fuels this explosive power within me and awaken my true potential, so that one day, I won't just be flying with the birds of the skies, but soaring with the dragons in the celestial regions.