Saturday, October 31, 2009

Wow

Wow

I haven't blogged for a week. I never thought I'd leave it stranded like this for a week
Well... Hsu Cherng mentioned time to let go.
I suppose its time for me to really let go as well.
I'm gonna be confronting Marion this Monday, I think.
All the best to myself then.

Workloads... they're manageable. They only fall beyond comprehensive control because of my own attitude. I understand that, I know it, yet I still procrastinate. Is there not enough reasons for me to keep burning with passion?

I've been shocked with the news of the death of a fellow friend's dad. Condolences to your family. And for Amirah, you're gonna do just great. I know you'd. You might never stumble upon this blog forever, but well, here it is anyways.

It ironic how short life really is. It reminds me that time waits for noone. Guess I better start pumping my fuel. I've got a family, friends and a girlfriend putting hopes on me. I can't disappoint'em. Well, gotta run~!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

...

...

Circumstances have changed yet again.

*sigh*

Looks like I'm never gonna be having some peace and quiet for a while.

Man.. I'm just terribly exhausted.

GGGGGGGRRRRRRYAH!
I can't just quit like that!
There's someone waiting for me!

Hey you Osla you Dummy!
If you're tired then go to sleep, get up, and start your work again.
You know what you did so don't you come to me talking about regret son.
SCRAM before I toast you!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Lots Done! More Coming XD

Lots done! More coming!

Gyah, it never ends, my life is forever packed. Just deal with it. I've to find loopholes in between everything to find extra time for myself.

Hmm, it feels kinda fun now that I'm really getting along the pace.
But regardless, still lotsa stuff to do! XD

C hasn't given up yet.
I'll have to keep my end of the bargain XP

Monday, October 19, 2009

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The need to cut off.

The need to cut off.

C and I have been pressing this matter against ourselves for quite some time now in order to give way to our more major priorities first. But somehow, we just want to be together more than anything, and we even broke our own ground rules, which is kinda funny in a way. But... we have to stick up to our own stuff.

So... today, we came into an agreement.

We'll not be contacting each other for as long as we have work remained unfinished.
For her case, it'll be all her revision and studies as well as maybe some research.
As for me... well, assignments are the main cause of it. But I can't disregard my social responsibilities as well, especially my VAD.

When I said cut off, I meant by... not replying each other at all, not calling, no msn, nada, nothing.
We may do so, when we're done. If we do, it's a sign that one of us has finished. And when that happens, the one who finishes first would have to wait for the other to finish as well. If the other doesn't, then we'd both have to wait for the next opportunity to come.

Seems pretty scary doesn't it?
Gyah... it's not like I'm emo-ing or what.
And no.. I don't feel like how I did during Soul Search Day 1 (which btw, never existed in my blog posts)

I just need to get things done. C too needs to get her things done.
We need to get our things done.
Its just as simple as that.

Dang.. I just feel so useless sometimes.
I want to change this stupid part of myself.
Not just for C.
I know I'll be damned happy if I could change that sucky part about me which I really dislike.

Yeah.
Time to source for motivation.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Coming clean.

Haa.... finally, I think I can breathe with ease now.

I was talking to H last night. We.. came to a conclusion at long last.
I've been waiting for an answer I'd never receive.
And well, I guess I got what I deserve.
But it was much less dreadful than I anticipated honestly.
Blame my pessimistic mindset ><

I'll keep her name secret from this blog as I wouldn't want this to be a hot talk among students in my former secondary school. Gossips can turn dreadfully scary at times. I just know how freaky it is so.. for those who know, you know. For those who don't, too bad for you. XP

Now, I'm in a serious relationship with C. Why I can't disclose her name?
Uh.. for those of you who knows, then you know lah.
If you don't then.. go stalk me lorz. XD

Well, lets just say going too public isn't a good thing for now.
There are still a few things we have to remain cautious of.

Just today, she asked me this,
'"How do you know what love is?"
I replied back to her the same thing,
"How do you know what love is?"
"I donno," she said.
"My answers the same as yours, I don't know too," I replied.

I thought over the question for a long while after we said goodbye.

How do I know what love is?
Something within me voiced out, and this line came into my mind.

Love.. is not knowing what love is. To love is the willingness to find out what love is together with that someone you consider really special in your heart for as long as you can, perhaps even for eternity. That.. in my honest opinion.. is.. love.

I really have no idea what love is. It has no form, no boxed definition, no figure, shade nor tone. It's just a feeling, often hard to be expressed by words alone. The only way to love someone, in my opinion, is to really just try all out to see if it'd ever work which taking chances, risks and gambles just to see through it all in the unknown, Love. One would probably not figure out who reigns in his or her heart even during his or her last moments. I don't want to be like one of those miserable people. I want to proudly say to myself during those moment that, "I've truly loved her with all my heart and soul!"

I don't want to place my love in the hands of fate, destiny nor luck. I believe that it'd work with effort, perseverance, faith, commitment and understanding. In other words, my love is for me to determine, not God, the Almighty, or any other Mightier Forces out there that might exist in this world. It's gonna happen because I'm trying. And I know she's trying too.

We're both struggling. Love is just one issue. But we both have our own dilemmas.
Suffice to say we care about each other enough to let ourselves solve our own problems.

My love is in my hands. It's up to me whether I want to plant the seed of life into it and continue to water it till it grows into a sturdy tree big and solid enough to stand on its own. When it's strong and precious, it'll become my duty and responsibility to shield it from any possibility of harm at all cost. That will be my dedication.

So C, if you're reading this, and you're not sure of where we stand, I'll tell you this and only this:
Hell, I don't know what'd happen in the future, but I said before that I'm willing to take a chance on you, and I still am.

Now, I want to rephrase that sentence.
I'm not just willing to take a chance on you, I'm willing to search and discover the meaning of true love together with you.

Before, I told you that if you held my hand, I'll promise you that you'll never be alone again.
When I asked you whether you wanted me to love you, you said yes, so I'm doing all I can to make it happen, and I'll never stop trying till the day I become incapable.

Now, I want to ask you this.
Will you be willing to place your faith in me and go for an endless journey of search and discovery for the meaning of true love together with me?

I love you C. I mean it. I may not know what it truly means, but heck, I just love you.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Effective 16th October

Effective 16th October, I shall stick with whatever I've put up on my commitment list at the upper right corner.

Grr. Have to at least try!

RO RO RO! Thief>Sin

YES!

Finally~!
Man.. I sure miss my old character in Penril server.

But now that I've finally got a new sin back, hehe... oo yeah!

Sonic Blow~!! Wohoo~!
OO those double attacks... always love'em
Extra walking speed!
OO YEAH~!

yayayayayayayayay~!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Figure, figure.... FIGURES!!

Figure, figure.... FIGURES!

Gyah... workload just piled up. Thanks to my awesome laidback laziness.
Well, it'd be a good opportunity for me to start dividing my time properly.

Ugh... I should start my wishlist (more like worklist...)

Well, if I need to hit some targets, I have to create some targets first, if not find them!

Grrr... Need.. to... focus!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Overdrive.exe...cancel.

. . .
. .
. . Debugging
. Logging in
. Input command
. Overdrive.exe /cancel

Something's not right...
Something's still missing.

I don't even understand what I'm really trying to do now.
What is it am I trying to do?
Was I trying to enjoy myself or maximize my time?
Was I suppose to hit my targets or relax for a bigger battle?
I started Overdrive.exe to start working vigorously.
Instead of working vigorously, I'm playing and wasting time vigorously.

So what's my point exactly?
I'm eluding the very purpose I started overdrive.exe.
Perhaps it's just because there are still things I need to finish up first.
Things I need to fulfill first.

What do I want to fulfill?
I've already got my Knight in RO. Is that not enough?
Now I'm trying to get my Sin, it's just another 2 Jlvls away.
But when I try, I just seem to be spending too much time on it.

I've seen the effects on it during my Japanese class.
I realized that I forgot a few characters and words.
It'd be ok if I forgot because I was finishing up my assignments or important works.
But it seems unforgivable to myself because I was playing the whole night before trying to hit my so called "target" until I neglected revising even for a little before I gone straight in to bed.

This feels pathetic.
Maybe I should revert back to how I was when I first started Soul Search.
To ignore everything else and only focus on my work.
But... I don't want to be a zombie again.

What do I want then?
Just what do I want?
Which is more important?
Living up to my work or living up to myself?
What if living up to myself means living up to my work?
Would that be what people call passion?

No point babbling about it. I might as well give a try first.
If I don't try, I'll never know what I really want.

Ugh... I must not disappoint myself.
Again.
I've been facing too much failure with hardly any success.
Always a jack of all trades but a master of none.
It's flattering to know that I can do so much,
but its just so miserable to know that I can never achieve a peak moment for myself.

What are my plans then?
I guess I'll come back when I've figured things out.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

-Overdrive.exe- phase 7, Learning to Live Without

. . .
. .
.
.Commencing boot sequence.
.Logging in.

Learning to live without. To live without depending on something. To live independantly with continuous energy, without affecting how others live in a negative aspect and at the same time still being able to make the best out of yourself; your time and effort.

Always do things for yourself before you do for others. It might be a noble act to always lend a helping hand to others, but one day, you might just drain yourself out too much to the point of exhaustion. Help might come one day. But what of the off chance that it might not?

Saving a cushion for yourself is not a cowardly act, but merely a safer plan of escape in case if the fire starts spreading. Be selfish a little in addition to a small tint of pride and arrogance. Being too generous and kind will only cause all the more trouble in this world.

One has to learn to be evil to others if one wishes to know how to defend ones property. Taking priority and discipline are also evil ways to live. But people often overlook the severity of it's evil essence and look at the positives outcomes, which is correct nonetheless as it's for the best interest of a particular individual. So goes the saying, "an evil act for the greater good."

Though... one must be careful not to misinterpret the term of evil. View it as a tool to make life easier, convenient, efficient and more manageable, without creating chaos and making others around you suffer for things you have done. Nobody deserves to be hurt by others. If one has to get hurt, let it be the accidents that cause those sins and not the intentional human mind.

Forgive me, this overdrive must continue.

.Logging off.
.
. .
. . .

Thursday, October 08, 2009

-Overdrive.exe- phase 5, Standing Firm

. . .
. .
.
. Commencing boot sequence
. Logging in

Standing firm. Letting go is just one part. But standing firm with your decisions are even more important. Stating priorities and making them happen will take time to accomplish. But rest assured, it will be simpler and easier when it is overcame.

Try and stand firm. Don't stagger and remain still. Because if you shake, then you'll start trembling and falling. This will then affect the foundation you tried so hard to build today. Don't let it go to waste.

.Logging off
.
. .
. . .

-Overdrive.exe- phase 4 Knowing how to let go.

. . .
. .
.

Commencing boot sequence.

-Logged in.

Knowing how to let go. Chasing one too hard will only create more distance and no contact. Relax, think... and let go. Feel the difference. Then start again. Now, just start chasing again, but with a clear purpose. With that in mind, you'll surely be able to catch what you're chasing when the time comes.

Remember, persistence with not clear purpose is foolish stubbornness.
However, persistence with purpose is and exercise of faith.
Both will take you to same places.
Just that one will have a more spectacular sight whereas the other haven't lasted a glimmer.
Persist when you know the truth in your heart. Because if you do, it'll definitely point you to the right direction.

-Logging Off
.
. .
, , ,

Monday, October 05, 2009

Soul Search Day 22, it ends here. -overdrive-

Overdrive.exe

Commencing command script.

Debugging
...
...
...
..
.

-Login-
I found it.
I found it.
What drives my soul.
What keeps me going.
What keeps my flame ablaze all the time.

Change.
I've always wanted to change.
But I never knew how to.
Now... I know.
I just have to believe.
Have faith.
And give it a try.

I'm living for someone and I'll forever be living for her.
Whether or not she'll still be here in the future, she'll always be a reason for me to continue to exist.
I love that person.
Love her enough to leave my past behind and only look towards the future ahead.
To pursue my dreams.
So that we can both have a place in the future.
So the we can both be together without regrets.

With this, I now commence app. Overdrive.exe.

-Booting system
-Debugging
...
..
..
.

Overdrive.exe successful.

- My Soul Search has ended. A new story begins... now - Osla

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Soul Search Day 22, Chou

Chou.

A name given by the Eastrisers to the beautiful transcient insect which comes with tales of good fortunes but ironically ill-fated with the life of 7 days and no longer.

Together with its intricate elaborately natural patterns on its wings which are almost a complete reflection of one another, one can but only awe in amazement in its paradigm as it is ever so wonderful, yet organic as it is to what nature is.

One day, I noticed a white butterfly near the light. I made fun of it, and it flew to my neck brushing past my skin as though trying to tell me that it listens and understand what I say and I shouldn't embarrass it, by saying things about it I shouldn't be.

Then... I felt this moment of inspiration to write.

Chou,
A soul's messenger.
Of white wings' luminance.
Of pure clarity's hope.

Flapping tiny wings
Creating sound from silence
Emitting waves of peace
Harmoniously existing with matter.

I curiously gazed at its endeavor
With little to learn
Yet I studied
I analyzed
I observed

As I tried to understand it
It flew by
Brushed passed my neck's skin
As though saying hi
To the loner man.

As days went by
It grew in resonance
Slow in the first few ticks
Explosively in the latter
Like seed to sprout
Then Jack's giant beanstalk

There was one in between.
A simple figure.
One shape
One form
One identity.

It was always the first in my mind
First at the rise
Last at the fall
And nothing else
But the frontline of my battles.

It is unique and special
Normal yet miraculous
It changed me in gradual
As I changed it in perpetual
It grew to take root on the ground
As I grew to shower it.

Chou, the graceful butterfly
You are one with my existence
And first you are in my heart's locked door.
I key to unlock you have.
A door to unlock there is.

Open and it shall give.
Close and it shall forget.
Briefly give way to thought
But decision hurried it must
For prolonged shall be its undoing.

Fly there now,
Fly away now.
Choice is made by oneself
None to yourself
Or pain will claim.

Oh white Chou...
The one that appears before me
As it has been the first and front of my vision.
I open my hand to receive you.

Will you land in my clutch
And allow me the power
To take over your destiny?


And that is all. What this piece conveys to its reader is interpretable to none other than oneself. I hope there is light in what you see and not blindness you seek, as if you wish to be blind, light will forever be cast away.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Soul Search Day 20, Making my words count.

Making my words count.

Something that I have to really work out.

What I say, I must execute, if not, those words are but empty lies.

I have to learn to be firm to myself.
I've said this countless times, but I have to try.
Just try...

Yes... just try.
I've to give everything I think about a shot.
Marion, my Cultural Studies lecturer once said, "The more you know about something, the more power you have to decide whether you like or dislike something."

I've always wanted to experience life to the fullest, and till this very moment, I still know not what i really meant.

There are various definitions coming from multiple sources, but what I do know about living to the fullest is experiencing every single chance you can get to the best extent yourself can take you during that one single moment.

Now.. I want to at least try and make my words count.
When I say I want to smile, I will smile.
When I say I want to finish my homework, I will finish my homework.
When I say I don't want to be distracted, I will not be distracted.
When I say I want to change, I WILL CHANGE!

Whatever it is now, just give it a damned shot man.
What's more important? Knowing all the things you can enjoy in life or running away from every single opportunity and live in oblivion for eternity?

I want to live.
I'm alive so just keep on living.
Other aren't as fortunate as I am.
I should be grateful and be the best I can.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Soul Search Day 18, Tell me how to change!

Tell me how to change!

A friend of mine asked me that today.
He asked me to tell him how can he change.
I bear no answers for him as I know not what he really wants.
It's a chance for me to change a person's point of view, but I mustn't forget that I'm also just an ordinary human, not a God capable of changing people from flesh to bone.

Normally, when someone asks me things like this, I'd just tell him about what he can change on his surface, like what he wants to be in other people's eyes. I wouldn't try to go too in depth like attempting to change his core values. But this friend, I've known him well enough for the passed two years. So.. I didn't want him to make a decision he'd regret, especially if it's a decision made by someone else, not himself.

I'm in no position to decide for him, so am I in no position to decide on anyone at all for that matter. Everyone has a life to live up to each and every own. Nobody can dictate what fate one chooses to take.

Though.. he didn't stop pestering me about what he should do to better himself. I could suggest anything for him to change, but I refrained from doing so. Instead, I told him about how I came to make my decisions, hoping maybe it could shed some light to his darkness.

His problem... if I looked at it at a certain angle, would seem very simple as he only wanted to have someone to understand him, in other words, he's looking for a girlfriend. Though, his wish to get a girlfriend is contradictory to how he behaves in reality.

He prefers to be always happy, taking the easy roads and avoiding all the suffering there is. He states that he is selfish and because of it, he's ego disallows him from committing suicide, which is good, but he can be so daring on the road to even risk getting runover by a car, which is the main reason why I just don't understand why is he so afraid of rejection. He does not fear death, but he doesn't want to die and is afraid of rejection?

I mean, with just the existence of the trait 'not fearing death', it practically erases the other two negative traits. If you're prepare to gamble your life on extreme sports and crazy stunts, then why are you so afraid of something as less important as rejection?

Lets just try and compare rejection and death now.
If you're rejected, you still live, but if you die, you won't.
So which is more important? Taking chances that might not affect your life and death or doing something that might cost you your life?

I just reminded him that a relationship isn't a game, but a commitment. It's just like studies. You have to commit yourself into your studies if you want to be successful in it. If you're not willing to even commit into something as small as studying, then how can you ever be ready to start a relationship?

There's no guarantee in a relationship, only chances for you to take. It's a neverending gamble. Either you take your chances to get what you can get or just leave it and stay safe.

I told him to just think about what he really wanted and not let me tell him what to do. I don't want him to come to hate his own decision 3 years later and come back running to me saying something like, "Thanks a lot Osla... for telling me to do what I did 3 years back. I'll never forgive you for what you did. F**K YOU!"

In the end, I told him the same thing again, to focus on what he really wanted. If he's really dead set on getting what he wants, the drive to reach for it will come to him naturally. There's no need to ask for someone's advice, it'll just come, if only he dares to decide on what to do.

Me? I've had my own share of mistakes and regrets in decisions, mostly because I didn't really follow what my heart yearned for and went for something I thought was better for me because someone else better,wiser or older than me tells me that its better for me.

But I'm also proud that I've made several decisions on my own. When I did, I was prepared to face the consequences of my decisions, and I was all ready to take on what would come with what I've decided. It was hard, but the difficulty wasn't half as bad as going through a life you did not choose for yourself.

I must admit, however, that it sure feels damn good when you reach some place great based solely on only your own decisions and nothing else...

Now, my search resumes.