Monday, November 30, 2009

1st step begins on the 1st day

In a just a few more mere moments, the night will change the moons of Nov into those of Dec.

There was once a theory made by a person.

He described that the different phases of moons changes the way we so behave.

Well, I'm thinking of partaking on that theory.

The only difference is that it doesn't just come, I'm to make it a reality for myself.

Time to march into a new dawn.

Because a new sun beckons with a new light beyond the endless horizon of brilliance and dyes of Mandarine yellow.

And so I begin.

1st step begins on the 1st day.
Farewell to the nights of Nov.
Greetings to the days of Dec.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

*Flip Switch* -ON-

Have been "dead" for a while now.
Time to be "alive" again.

It doesn't matter what I want to do anymore.
C's right.
What matters most is what I've done.

*Flip Switch* -ON-

Friday, November 27, 2009

Stupid

Stupid.

Goals are stupid.

A to do list is even more stupid.

You can always try to list things down to do, but if in the end of the day, you don't execute them, then it means nothing.

Blardy stoopeed.

I'd rather just do things that I want when I want to or when I just feel like it now then strategize about a way for me to achieve those dopey set of goals which would in turn make me feel like procrastinating even more and.. yeah.

Pfft. Life sux dontcha think?

Thursday, November 26, 2009

It's funny

It's funny. I've just realized that all these while, I wouldn't have felt so disappointed with everyone and everything if it wasn't because of me. Stupid right? But yeah.. truth is, I'm always disappointed with myself. And then I put the blame on everything else out there. Gee, am I even sober? Well.. I hadn't taken any alcohol so I should be. Am I emoing? Frankly speaking, emo doesn't even form a word. So...yeah.

I screwed up.

I screwed up.

In a lot of things.

In my daily house chores.

My lame set of goals.

My incomprehendable assignments.

My sucky management skills in camp.

Always turning in to useless things rather than doing somethign useful.

Goddamn procrastination.

Over this whole friggin year, there's nothing I'm really proud about. Relatively nothing. Nada. NON>

Sure... finding C was the best damn thing this whole year.

But I've just screwed up too far beyond self salvation.

Why is it just so hard to do things sometimes?

By yourself, probably easier.

With people, more possibilities. Annoyance level triples. Maybe more. Make a gazillion.

I hate myself.

Period.

I want to change so much now I'm willing to throw EVERYTHING just to do it.

I feel guilty.

To myself.

My family.

My parents.

My siblings.

My friends.gvkihdsfgivdsalknvklsfi'dj

My acquaintances.

My girlfriend.

Come to think of it, how can a loser like me even find such a beautiful smart and talented young chic to be his maiden anyways? I don't deserve her. I don't deserve anyone.

I SUCK.

,mgewfnbidlkhslahil
EFFED UP LAPTOP WHY CAN'T YOU JUST STOP SCREWING WITH ME HUH?

godforsaken typos. effing irritating.

It's unusual. I haven't been cursing the eff word for so long, and these few days, I've been lip gesturing the word, and in college, I find myself saying it as well. What the hell is wrong with me?

AM I lost?

Am I confused?

I've never been proud of myself.

Consistency is completely out of the picture.
I AM INCONSISTENT.

I'm even half senile. I can't remember half of the stuff that I'm always supposed to do sometimes.

I'm just so bloody furious with myself now. IS IT JUST SO HARD TO CHANGE?

ACCEPT. accept. acceptacceptaccept. BLAH blahblAH. Take things slowly. One step at a time. Just do it. They're just words that barely bear any meaning. They don't move me anymore.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanna scream but i can't. I want to do this but I can't also. I want to do that and I can't as well. Then what can I do?


Life's a bitch. Life's a frigging nonsensical merciless bitch. It bites when your guard is down and it tempts and taunts when you're down low and low below.

Here comes my temper again. It's just my own typing habits which I have to take care of. Nothing else.
See.. it's easier now. I just have to look at the keyboard and type accurately. Geez...


Fuuh... guess I've finally calmed down.

I feel empty. Like a bottle. And empty bottle. There's nothing in its hollow space. Transparent it is. Nothing can be seen. Void. Empty.

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm weak. And I damned well feel useless.

This dark room... This dark space... it allows me the pleasure of diving into my own consciousness.

Can I never ever do anything right at all for even just once?
Am I truly that pathetic?

I've to find an answer within myself.
I need a reason.
Truth.

I donno what the hell I'm doing now.
I don't even know who Osla is anymore.
What is the stupid significance of my being here anyways?
Do I exist to serve a bloody purpose or am I just here to lay waste to time which is perpetual and temporal?

Maybe I should just open up a portal to nothingness and jump in so I could become one with it.
I'm nothing. Obsolete.

I want to change.
So desperately so.
Yes.
I want to change.
I want to change me.
I want to change my life.
I want to change my course of life.
I want to change how I live life.
I want to change everything.
I want to change things that I'm not even sure of.
I want to just change.

I can do it... I can do it.
I can do it on my own.
I may be pathetic now, but I can change.
I will chanage.
I must change.
It's not for anyone or anything anymore.
I just WANT TO DO IT for the sake of myself and my own free god damn will.

I don't want to think of the miserable future anymore.
I don't want to think about my dreadful past.
Present is reality. Now is everything.

I need to change. I want to change.
My vows.
I broke a lot of my vows.
Hack, I was even supposed to be focusing on my studies and not supposed to get into a relationship. Look what I have got myself into. A year filled with lotsa regrets. Wrong decisions.

But... no, that relationship wasn't the wrong choice. It's probably the best thing I've ever did in my entire life. I fought with myself hard for it. Man... she's gotta think that I'm deutsched from the way I'm talking. I don't blame her. Who wouldn't?

I donno anything...

....let it all go.
Just let it go.
Let them all go already.
If it's too much then just let it go.
Holding onto to things which burden you too much will just pull you down greater than gravity.
*sigh*
just let go.
and do something.
something good.
something you should be
and wanting to do all these times.

Time to put myself in a turnstop.
And start it all over. I have less than 2 months.
Time is just so short....

Bad Temper

I've been having a very bad temper lately. It's the holidays, so why do I feel so stressed up? It feels worse than going through an impossible amount of homework and assignments. grhwhealfl
[ewaoaiglgkj;sd'pghgeiodgjlaozgkjweawawhnglkdsfkhglbhsfk/.gbnew;/kgfbew.lihekawlkfkjs;ab

I just need a little silence.

Just a little silence... I need to clear up my mind a bit....

I feel dreadful...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Responsibilties vs Leisure

Responsibilities vs leisure.

What makes responsibilities so important?
What makes leisure so important?

Well.. since I'm not sure how to kick start my holidays, I guess I'll start by thinking about something useful so here it is... Responsibilities and leisure.

C kinda agave me an alarm call about where I'm standing in our chase for our dreams... and I'm such a aloooooooooooooooooooooooong way behind of her now. So I've gotta put up a chase. Well, of course it's for her. No.. it's for us. It's gonna do me good anyways so why not right? ^^

So... let's start off by try to definin what responsibilities and leisure is.
Responsibilities are... stuff that we should be doing. Work... assignments... house-cleaning... Yeah... those kinda stuff...
Then leisure is... stuff... that we do to relax ourselves, I guess...

It's kinda funny how we can always mix up leisure and responsibilities together like rojak when they aren't the same at all. But then, nobody said your responsibilities can't be leisure or the other way around right?

Ok... a lot of people always get caught up in this irritating puzzle of which comes first and whatever. Well, usually people call this priorities so... what exactly do they do?

Priorities... is like a ladder of things to do first and so forth. If I say I gotta sleep first then I gotta sleep first. There, my first priority. And yeah.. the list goes on. Though.. priorities can be very subjective. If we follow priorities like robots without rationale, we wouldn't be human now would we? 0.o

What really intrigues me about this topic is that we can always remember our self-responsibilities like eating, sleeping, bathing, brushing teeth and execute them first. So... why can't we do the same for our work responsibilities? Why not finish assignments or workloads or house chores before doing other things? Beats me. I face the same problem as well. Say hello to the world of procrastination.

Why do we procrastinate? Well... when we find ourselves practicallhy lazy or demotivated to perform a certain action or well.. most people would just give reasons like it's too troublesome. Well.. what exactly is troublesome?

If one were to use that word in anything at all, especially in actions, would that not make ALL actions troublesome?

Ok, lets just say homework is troublesome, so I procrastinate 'cause I need to move around my tools, look for a silent place with a nice flat and smooth table and just the perfect ambience. Wow... pretty troublesome dontcha think? But then... playing a game beating powerful bosses which takes even more time's even more troublesome, not to mention you're practically just sitting there in front of the tv. Yet... people find playing games with Ultimate lvl difficulty for over 4 hours much easier than just strolling down the road just to get a few stuff and return which would take no more than 10 minutes. Kinda stupid dontcha think?

Researching is such a killer people say. Go to this site, that site, going through books, files and such. Well yeah.. not to mention the referencing style is just amazingly annoying. But its kinda odd that people don't find flipping novels with more than 365 pages with an approximate 20k+ words with small fonts or going through more than 20 blog entires with even more than that easier than just reading a few relevant texts which'd add tremendous credibility to your research? hmm..

Uh.. Ok.. I'm a bit lost with my own thoughts here as well.. Maybe I should continue on later. Well.. I do have one final assignment to finish now so... Pfft, ironic isn't it? I brought up priorities and guess what, I decided to blog first.

But you know.. after all these while.. I never really regretted much of my actions... Probably it was because I was just following my heart? That's also very subjective so...

...
Haiz.. long story short. I just need to start working man.
Well, no use singing words with no action. So.. gotta go.

I'll post something again I guess...

What happened to my vows anyways...?

Practice! 連取します!

I'm still learning my Jap so.. gotta practice. I'll have a Jap translated version of my blogs from today onwards XD. Well, people who could enjoy this would be only 2 people but oh well, if you could read it, lucky you ^^

kk let's try...

私は  日本語を もう弁居します、だから。。。連取したい!
watashi wa nihon-go wo mou benkyoshimasu, dakara... renshushitai!
訳しましたの ブログは 今日から ここにあります。XD
yakushitai no blog wa kyou kara koko ni arimasu. XD
まあ、二人 この ブログは 読みますをできる。
maa, futari kono burogu wa yomimasu o dekiru.
でも。。。たとえば あなた も できる、楽しい な。
demo... tatoeba anata mo dekiru, ureshii na.
賛成しませんか。^^
sansei shimasenka? ^^


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Alchemist in less than 24 hour WOHOO!

Alchemist in less thana 24 hours WOHOO!

No shyt man, without any bonus exp as well XD

Man... who'd think changing Merchants in one night would be impossible.

Well.. not exactly one night since I did it within 2 days... but it didn't break the 24 hours cycle 8D

Man.. feels damn good. But URGH... why are homunculi so frigging expensive to manage?

Dang... Oh wellz.. still feels great to hit jlvl40 for a Merchant.

Hm.. gotta get back to my final project for Perspective.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

Owh... and uh...

I love you C!^^

Friday, November 13, 2009

Hm.

Hm. It feels like I just woke up from a avery loooooooooooooooong sleep.

I'd better keep this place updated for C to see my progress. ^^

We're competing with each other now. Can't afford to lose to her. Heh.

KK. Gogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogo!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Hnh?

Hnh?

I barely slept.. Ok maybe about 3 hours, or less.. maybe. Not sure. Oh well, whatever. XD

Someone did tell me this, "as long as you've slept then should be okla,"

So.. I don't need to be like always worried about when I should sleep. More like just worry about my assignments and when I'm tired, I'd just go doze off for a while and I'd wake up fresher to finish my work. ^^

Been trying it lately. Doing my work till I feel sleepy and telling myself the dateline's like tomorrow, so I work at an extra pace faster. The clock's a good motivator really. Everytime I look at it, the hands just seem to always move. Well, like one of Nickelback's song lyrcis, If Today Was Your Last Day, it says "the hands of time are never on your side." Guess I learned it from experience lol. Maybe I already knew, but just to ignorant to bother ><

Hmm.. the best thing about it is... I still feel awake and alive lol. Not bedreaded and demotivated. Heh. Cool. Maybe I'll keep this thing up for the rest of next year. After all.. if I need to do great things with my life, I've first take control of it first don't I? =D

Okie dokie, gotta prep for col. It's Perspective class~ Wonder what'd Lip Wei say about mine later... Hm.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Overdrive.exe -Phase 2-

2 more weeks in college. Better try my best in my last few assignments.

Focus. Set aside. Focus. Set aside. Focus. Set aside.

That's 3 times. I'll be focused and I can set the unnecessary things aside.

Poof! ^^

Overdrive.exe -Resume-

Overdrive.exe is BACK!

Now with more energy, more pump and more funk XD

Well... It's about time. My C's really going all out on her side.

I mustn't fall behind her.

It's a neverending race to success! Wohooo!

O, uh, and... I love you C!^^

Friday, November 06, 2009

Try something new

C and I have decided that it'd be best not to be together each other too much since it'd affect our studies and other things, basically meaning our own lives.

So, we came up with a system.
Hmm?
Oh, we just sms each other to tell what we're doing on the given moment. I told her that it'd be more motivational if she told someone what she was doing so her focus won't be interrupted. I've done it to her before and man, my attention span just became indomitable XD Well.. I guess she agreed since she's also doing it to me now hehe..^^

uh.. methinks XP

She wishes to be really independent so I'll support all the way on this one. Its hard to stay apart, but it'd be even harder to live by ourselves if we're too overly dependent on each other now, so we're starting early. Hmm, gotta settle my VAD camp stuff now. Sayonara~XO

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Yesterday...

Yesterday... was a great night

On that particular time... it just felt like forever

Until now... its still fresh on my memory

Kay... maybe I should let go

Inside me... it still exists though

Somewhere... in the deepest corners of my heart

Somehow.... I just want it to remain the way it is

Even now... I still feel the same.

Dilemma... is what I face

Misled... but brought back to track.

Enlivened... is how I am now.

^^

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

I'm such a lucky bastard~

I'm such a lucky bastard~ XD

Hmm? Why ah?

Owh.... because................

I've a super adorable girlfriend who not only supports and understands me,
but she loves me just as much as I love her. ^^ (uh.. I think ._.)

Everyday, she just makes me want to smile.
And smile I shall :)

Owhkaaaaaaaay... Perspective... time to get it done!

yay~

Managed to complete my work sooner than expected nyaan~

Now need to sleepz... aiks? 7am? aiya.. class at 9.30.. =_=

fgsgfjgds;kbnksjf


lalala~ XD

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Trying out a new logic

Trying out a new logic.

My girlfriend told me this last Wednesday.

"The more work you complete, the more time you'd have for yourself."

I'm gonna give it a shot. I only have about 2-3 weeks of college left anyways. Might as well do it before the next semester comes in, which is comes with a new beginning and... well, new adjustments, which are pretty irritating at times since it begins with a whole new process of adaptation.

Speaking of which.. I think I just realized the roots to my problem of procrastinatation when I want/need to work. I think; I believe, is the fact that I can never have peace when I do my work.

Staying with a family with so many people. It's almost impossible to not see each other dontcha think? And in a house shared with 7 people, we have to compromise. I feel like I can never have an ideal place to work at home.

But you know what, maybe I'm just to ego to understand that there is no ideal place to work in this world. Either you take it or you leave it. Hate it or you adjust to it. Or, you change it. But changing my family... nah. I like the way my family is now. I rant about them all the time, but their my family regardless. We have to keep a look out one each other's backs.

And I don't just procrastinate at home. Even at college, or outside and yeah. So, should I change the world then? That's be ridiculous. Well, unless if I was God, but I ain't sadly. So, the best one is to just change myself. The scope is a little smaller, so its much easier. But well, as a lot of people say, easier said than done...

OK....... Time to test out my girlfriend's theory. ^^ (though I'm kinda far behind a lot of my work... ><")