Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Heartspeak

I was watching Gossip Girl just now.
And there was this scene when Blair asked Chuck
"Were our feelings real? Because if they do, just tell me and we'll all figure things out. But if it's just a game, then please Chuck, just let me go."
so this is what Chuck replied.

*pauses*
"it was all a game, you're free to go"
*Blair walks away to Nate*

Serena oversaw the whole scene before her own eyes and so she asked him
"why did you do that for?"

Chuck solemnly replied,
"because I love her, and I can't make her happy"

It just made me think about my relationship with C.
Just how strong is our love anyways?
Just how strong is my love for her?

It's undeniably true that I do love C with all my heart.
But... I'm starting to see that it's just not enough.

You know, just a few hours back, I attended this seminar with her and...
I must say, I was kinda afraid of her asking me something like
"so... have you been doing your work?"

She told me before that she was gonna check on me.
So it was kinda expected.
But.. throughout the times when we were alone during our walks towards the G Block,
she did nothing of that sort.

Probably because our minds were just too busy thinking about where the seminar was going to be held. I was looking for the place while she called this Cassandra girl.

During Seminar... there was no room for us to really just talk so... well,
we just went along with what happened and mingle around with the attendees.

At the time the whole seminar was over
actually it's just that her mom already arrived.
We went back and well.. the only thing she said was,
"sorry for bursting the bubble back there, the expenses and everything was...."
and I don't really remember the rest of the sentence.

well, besides that... she did complain a bit about her coughing,
saying that it needed to come out but she was refraining herself for doing so in public.

Of all the things she could say,
all she thought was..
sorry

I donno...
It's more like I should be the one apologizing, not her.
I mean...
I told her I was gonna do my work, and yet till now, it's still pending.
Just when am I gonna start anyways?

Why do I always have to hesitate when I want to do something?
Why must I procrastinate every single time I feel like doing something?
Why can't I just put my heart out front and let it do what it feels like doing.

So I ask my heart now.
What do I want to do now?
I want to give a chance for my heart to speak.
And so here I am.

Good thing I don't really hold back my intentions when I wanna blog.

Come to think of it,
I even passed my sickness to her.
Goodness...
and now she's coughing non-stop because we kissed that night.

I told her about my condition before we continued.
But that time, she just told me,
"this is probably the only chance for us to do it again because we're never gonna do it in college anymore"

hearing that...
I guess I could understand.
She was willing to even though I was disapproving of the kiss in fear that she might contract my sickness.
If she gives, then my only duty is to accept.
But I also have to always remember to keep us on the right track.
So there are some things that can't be done by us two no matter what.

That all aside...
We kissed.

Nobody was sick in camp besides me.
But when I met her today and she told me about her condition, yeah, I guess she contracted my sickness from our kiss.

I don't regret it though.
I only hope she doesn't since... her cough's kinda bad now.

I'm asking myself again and again,
just how much do I love her?
How far am I willing to go for her?
What am I willing to do for her?

My heart tells me that I'd do anything for her.
And I'll reach her even if we were 3 worlds apart.
And I love her with everything I have, far beyond love to myself.

So..
why can't I do something as simple as finishing up my assignments?
I need to reassure her that she chose the right guy.
And I don't want her to be wrong.
For that, I need to realize a dream.
A dream that could make us live without myriads of financial issues haunting our relationship.
For her.
I must, and I will.

I think I understand why I procrastinate so much.
I want to always do things, for someone.
And I'm trying really hard to control myself from doing it too much.
It may be strength, but relying on it all the time won't be helping me.
So whenever I get the though that I'm doing something for someone,
especially if that person never asked me to do anything,
and that it affects only me,
I try to avoid it by shifting my focus away to something else,
which often leads to me feeling demotivated to do something because there was no solid reason to work for.
Trying to work for myself is... hard.
I try to do a lot of things for myself,
but it just doesn't seem to really satisfy me.

I wanted to try and live on my own.
Be completely independant.
Free of other's influence.
I'll be my own influence, guidance, motivation and strength.

But in my current state,
it's gonna take too long for me to reach that level.

So what I'll do now is...
I guess I'll borrow this burning passion of love in my heart for C and put it in everything I do.
In her name, I'll try.

It's not nice... to use someone to be a reason for you to do things 'cause well...
sometimes things just don't really turn up the way they're supposed to be.
And when that happens, that's when you start blaming that person because you began by making that person the reason for you to do everything.

I'll try not to be overdependant on my love for her 'cause if one day, it suddenly goes away, it might be a little hard for me to get back up.
But for now, I'll use it do what's good for myself.

C.
I just want you to know that
I'm sorry I disappointed you.
You might not have said anything nor did express that you feel disappointed towards me in any case, but...
truth is
I'm disappointed with myself.
So actually,
I should be very well apologizing to myself.
But since that our lives are interwoven together by our love,
my disappointment is your disappointment.
Which is why...
I'm sorry C.

I've always been pushing you to do things and well,
you always did more than me.
On the other end of my side, I couldn't even apply my own words unto myself.
What good is someone who asks a person to do something when that person doesn't even do it?

I told her many things.
And for some reason, she always feels inspired by me.
Often speechless.
I can think so far ahead with my farsight.
But I told her before,
that though it may be good to have farsight,
it's sometimes a curse for me.
Because when you expect too much from the future,
that's when your present will crumble before your own greedy might.

So to speak...
I've given her far too many empty words.
It'd be useless to say that I can't achieve them now.
I haven't even started nor have I tried yet.

So now..
I think it's time for me to make those words into a reality.
If not, then my honest feelings would be all lies in the end.
I wouldn't want that to happen.
I want to give her a life she could smile about everyday.

And I'm really sure that she wants me to achieve my own dreams.
Which is quite simple really,
to just live a life of freedom.
But it's a bit too generic ain't it?

There was this one time, I called her, and she was asking me,
what do you see in your future?
and I told her these:
note that they might not be exactly accurate now so...
I guess this is like a whole new version with added stuff then.

I see a future in which we live in a house together,
married and happy
after I propose to you.

We'd be cooking meals together,
sometimes for each other.

We'd be taking turns to do house chores,
since letting you do it all is like sexual discrimination,
and sometimes, we'd do the chores together.

We'll start a photo album.
A memoir of our life together.
Just like the one in Up.
And we'd look it through together after 10 years.
To remind ourselves how much we did together.

After that, we start making a hole in the ground,
to bury that album inside,
and we'd plant a tree on it.
After another 10 years,
we'll unearth the ground and look through the album again.

We'd have initimacy as much as we want to together,
without anything holding us back anymore,
because we're married.

We'll remember our anniversaries,
and celebrate each time.
Even when sometimes,
we can't be together to do so.

We'd have kids if we can.
Maybe one or two, depending on our financial stability.
But we both agreed and prefer two,
so that the only child doesn't feel lonely.

We'd start an education fund for each child the minute they get their birth certs done.
So that when they finish secondary school,
they can opt for whatever course they want without fear of how much they'd cost.

We'd argue with each other for fun.
Beat each other up in simple games.

We'd try to make each other smile everyday.
And when we smile, we smile genuinely.

We'll be honest to each other no matter what the occasion.
Even if sometimes it might spoil the mood of something really great.

We'll support each other everyday.
By always breathing and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

I'll take care of her.
She'll take care of me.
We'll take care of each other.

We'd go to places together.
Sightseeing, vacationing.
Experiencing new things together as much as we can.

But for most part,
we'd continue to love each other no matter what,
even if everything I've said before above doesn't happen.

Even if she doesn't love me one day,
I'd still do.
And I'll remind her of every single moment we had together with love.
Because I cherish those memories.
And my feelings for you,
is a treasure to keep.
Not a regret to agonize about.

Even if she grows to hate me because of it.
I'll still continue.
Unless if she wishes me to be completely out of her life,
then out I shall.

For the last thing I want from her,
is for her to feel sad because of me.

Because...
There may be only one true love in anyone's entire lifetime.
And I think she's my true love.
I love her.
I love C.
I love you C.

I promise you, from this moment forth,
I will do everything in my power to secure a better future for us.
And I'll make sure that I never neglect you.

I could never make a promise I couldn't keep.
But this time, I believe I can.
For as long as my heart never stops.
I'll keep that promise.
This...
This is my commitment towards our relationship.

It seem that I've just not been trying hard enough.
I'll try even harder.
And make you proud.
Because I'd never want you to regret choosing me.
I really love you C.

Yes.
Such are the words contained within my heart's core.
And I've released them from their chains binding them to laws of consequences.
But I've nothing to be afraid of.
I believe.
I believe in our love.
If I continue to persist and persevere, this dream will become a reality.
Until that happens,
I won't stop.

Owh.. I found the original.
Here.

Me
I love you with all my heart and soul, C
If I could, I'd take you away in a golden carriage laden with jewels and magic to a faraway place in fairyland where 1000 wonders lie for us to discover together with the strength of our one true love
we may not live happily ever after
but we have each other
as the mountains surpass skyscrapers
as the peak lies in the mouth of Space

C - daydreamer....XD

Me
the rivers too long to measure with currents greater than the ancient dragons
valleys lower than darkness, comparable to the abyss itself

C - do u daydream often??

Me - yes

C - seriously...

Me
about your nude body
woops

C - well, what about more realistic daydreams

Me
but yeah
dreaming about your nude body and having great sex with you
real enough?
0.o
C - like how u'd want yr life to be like in future...

Me
we'd have great children
we'd cook together
we'd do house chores together
everyday before we leave for work, we'll kiss each other passionately
to remind ourselves that our love remains eternal
and see each other off for as long as we could savour the sight of each other
in bed
we'd tell each other stories
of our days
and nights
and months
in whispers
and say "I love you" followed by a kiss
and then an intimicate connection until we breakaway to slumber
and in the mornings
whoever wakes up first will wake the other up
and we'd kiss for as long as we can until the alarm sounds if we woke up too early
as soon as it sounds, we'd rush to take our bath and prepare to leave for work
during our off-times, we'd do normal things together
and make them look special
and we'd keep a book
a picture book
like the one in Up
after we fill a book

C - :)

Me
we'd leave it for 10 years
after we bury it into the ground
and when the timeline expires
we'd dig it back out
just to see the contents and reminisce
maybe for that 10 years, we'd plant and water a tree on top of where we dug
to remind us that even our memories contain life
if we had a daughter
you'd personally teach her about what sex is when she reaches the age of 12
if we had a son, I'd personally teach him about what sex is when he reaches 14
or when they come up to us and ask about it
whichever comes first
before we have children
we'd create a fund
after 18 years
our children will be able to choose freely whichever course they desire without any chains binding them to us
because we saved for 18 years

C - i feel like hugging you right now...XD

Me
I'd be constantly pushing you to work harder
when you look tired, I'd hug and you offer you a full body massage
if you happened to get aroused, I'll have sex with you until you fall asleep, unless if you decline
I'll be maintaining my health everyday
to make sure I'm fit and
looking good for my queen in her chamber

C - lololol

Me
I'll be very firm with my decisions
pushing datelines
organizing priorities
no when a no and a yes when a yes
responsibility and leisure have no mutual compromise
I'll push myself to the limit
even when I'm tired, I'll keep on going
and hide my fatigue from you
but I'll still be honest to you
if you ask me
a simple question
like
"how are you today?"
everytime you do, I'll kiss you regardless of where we are
even if we're in front of children or the crowd in the shopping mall filled with random stangers
I'd still kiss you gently at your lips
or if I feel a sudden shock of embarassment
I'd just hug you real tight
and if I feel embarasses to do that as well,
I'd just hold your hand really tight
and never let go

C - i can't imagine us being kissy in public ...LOL

Me
and say
"thanks for asking"

C - like u always do

Me
and I'd write poems for you
and read them out to you
even when they're poorly composed
and to laugh at
I'd still do it
to keep the passion of our love alive
I'll remember our anniversaries
I'll try to remember as many little moments as I can while we're together
I'll give you surprises when you least expect them
and most of all
I'll make sure you smile genuinely every single day
I'll bring you joy when suffering exists
I'll provide you a dreama when reality hits you too hard
I'll give you my breathe if your heart stops
I give you my soul if yours is in danger
and there's more to come
this is my vision of us
it's not as perky as Wawasan 2020
but...
will you marry me C?
WHOA
OMG
that's like
BANG
a marriage speech!
8D
LOLOL
lemme save this

and that was how it went.
I shall keep my words closely.
This is my heartspeak.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

@(+1\/8

Looks like a pretty random topic title ain't it?
Well, you're wrong, read it carefully XP

look for the
----------------------
if you wanna know about TOA college update. Which isn't really much but yeah.

Ah, sure feels good to be active again.

My first step out in the outdoors with my body on my feet sure feels friggin awesome after so much homestay hibernation with my computer games and whatnot.

Every step I took felt like...
Inhalation.
Yeah, it's as if I jogged like I was breathing.
It felt so good, muscle exhaustion was completely nulled in feeling.
It just felt plain great to just go out and jog.

Well, my mom asked me to help her get baking soda or sodium bicarbonate and cinnamon powder aka serbuk kulit kayu manis at the bakery ingredients store across fatty crabs in Taman Megah near Ming Tien.

So I jog there lo...
Kinda stupid really. I wasn't sure if backing soda was sodium bicarbonate until I asked the shopkeeper and well, I knew. I think I must've came across the term before in my Science text books but I just forgot ._.

OO yaa...
They both together only cost like RM2.90 XD
And my mom like gave me RM70++ to get it 80
Well, her reason was that
she didn't know how much it costed so just in case and well, she doesn't want me to run there again for the second time because I had insufficient funds

So yeah.

OO last night, I had this really uncomfortable feeling at my head after I sneezed. It was like some of my phlegm got stuck in my eustachian tube or something. Felt dreadful. It wasn't really painful. Just really uneasy and totally killed me my mood to do anything else. So I turned in kinda early. Sometime around 10.28pm I think. I recall not finish watching NCIS so... yeah.

But the weird thing was that I woke up completely at like 12am.
Walked out to get a glass of water and then went back to sleep.
But I couldn't somehow.
I was like consciously sleeping till 2am.

Then I finally got really really fed up and just got up and did something.
Initially, I wanted to start my assignments.
Then I thought, might as well finish up the White Potions I was vending with my Alchemist in the Prontera PVP Inn.
So I turned my laptop on, and I suddenly felt like playing my lvl 41 Ninja.
Well... Frozen Spear is a very addictive skill 8D
So I trained her till lvl 45 on Metalings and well, I got a Metaling card? 0.o
It only costs about 25k in the market so... oh well.
Not really worth my time vending it. Though, it definitely help to just lose that extra baggage =D
Or maybe I could use it in PVP XD

By the time I stopped training, it was like 5.04am I think.
I was thinking to myself,
there was this one term I didn't really get when I looked through some of those erotic mangas from before. So I tried looking it up.
I donno how to spell it. Amphrodiac or something.
I typed it out on Google and something else came out.
Pfft, so I had to retrace the materials I looked through again to locate it.

And guess what, I forgot that website which i went to read those stuff too.
Oh well, search search search.
And I found it. Lol

Fakku.net
Fakku is like literal transliteration of fuck in katakana.
it's written like this in katakana:
ファック

So yeah.
Owh right, I also realized something when I tried to trace back that term, those hentai manga artist sure knows the anatomy detail very well. So well that it seems like they've all already done it to know how to illustrate them so vividly 0.o

I mean, imagination.. yeah, it works sometimes, but you can't really draw something exactly the way you want it if you don't know how it looks like or works right? 0.o
So yeah, I guess they deserve some kudos for their peculiar knowledge.

I also started thinking to myself...
Hmm... these kinda stuff would surely be great for newly wed people who have no clue at all about what sex is.
They don't even need to watch videos.
The comics have them all 0.o
If you treat is as education, then it's knowledge.
If you treat is as visual pleasure, then it's visual pleasure la.
So when you look at erotic materials, don't just go
ewwww...those stuff are so gross
don't be too quick to judge though.

Sometimes, you might not even realize that you secretly admire the sexual ways even though you are always denying them.
Me?
O SURE,
of course I do.
DUH, I'm a guy. XD
ok uh, not to say that all guys are like that
heh...

But I know my limits and I have total control over myself as far as I know till today, so I've no cause for worry in this matter ^^

And well... I couldn't find that words, so I wiki'd some stuff.
And guess what, its filled with awesome information.

My girlfriend once informed me about G-spot.
I had no idea what that meant.
And I found it there.
It's actually a certain part in the vaginal wall that has maximum stimulation potential of some sort.
Mhm.
My initial impression of G-spot was like a certain area of the body where the female feels extremely sensitive, so I guess it could be anywhere, which brings to the term treasure hunting.

Treasure hunting is when the partner of the female tries to locate the sensitive part of the body by well, searching for it I guess.
I've never really done it before so I donno how it really works =}

Owh, and I found this stuff regarding ch'i and shit from some Taoist principles.
To put simple, if you have orgasm, then you lose some ch'i.
If you cum, then you lose even more ch'i.

It's kinda weird you know.
This is like the only shitty fact I find that actually tries to rebuke the fact that sex is great.
Look at Science man. They like totally encourage sex because doing it gives various health benefits ftw.

Examples?
Hmm... a lot la.
Like what blood regulation, health maintenance, regulates menstrual cycle for females... etc.
And the best one is when they introduced the term sexercise!
Yeah, I read that in Cleo magazine when I went to Redang this year.
Researchers claim that heaving sex for 15 minutes is equivalent to like an hour of cardio.
Dang man.
it means if you have sex more often, you could probably run from all the zombies in Zombieland because your cardio is like in superb condition XD

And what's the only shit actually stopping you from having sex?
losing your ch'i
I mean, seriously man.
it's so wtf.

Ok fine, STD's come into the picture as well.
But you know, STD generally only infects really really retarded people.
People who have no idea what withdrawal and fellatio is.
I read about the female version of fellatio as well but forgot the term.. so oh well.
Something.. vanus or whatever. But I've a feeling that's completely off.

There are always numerous ways to have sexual pleasure than to like have direct sexual intercourse. If these people don't know about alternative ways then yeah, they kinda deserve getting the STD's.

But rape victims are different. They are sexually assaulted, not giving into sex with consent. So it's unfair to blame those who contract STD's just by getting raped.

Owh, I also read this stuff that made my eye go wide 8I
Butt plugs.
Yeah, no shit.
They really exists.
With a certain design on them with several functions.
Most distinct one would be the mouth ring at the other end to prevent the plug from slipping into the anus.
I laughed inside my heart with a big L.O.L.
Well, my dad was sleeping beside me, donwanna get him awake since he's gonna drive the cab all day again. ._.

Butt plugs actually slip in the anus? Dang...
Talk about anal extraction if it becomes irremovable.
Pity pity.

I got to know about the butt plugs through the dildo at first. Then there was a link to sex toys.
I was still looking for that missing term so I thought,
hmm... i guess it should fall under that category

And that was the first time I heard about sex toy hygiene care.
Different materials have got different properties which make them safe/unsafe.

Cheapest available is latex ones but they may trigger latex allergy. Tough luck.
Though, they come in the most variable variety you could ever possibly imagine.

And I didn't know there was a wand dildo before. 0.o
It's just a rumor/idonnowhetheritstrueornot statement on wiki saying that there's this Toshiba massage chair which is marketed as well, a massage chair but it could be used to stimulate the vagina or something like a normal dildo. Just that it uses a friggin big plug that requires like 16 volt or something. Talk about wasting electricity -.-

Hmm... I'm actually going for a seminar later at like 7pm with C.
It's about some transfer program.
It seems interesting so I thought why not? =D

So that's it for today.
----------------------------------------------

I went to college just now.
For TOAns, Manly took pics of all your results so if you guyz wanna know, you could just ask he through sms or something ^^

And oh yeah, the new timetable is out to.
For IL students, which I think don't read my blog at all, well, I could photocopy the schedules for y'all if you want or well, you could always get a copy for yourself when you visit college.

Just to be safe, on Monday is Life Drawing class with Gan again at 9am.
So make sure you guyz finish up your 8 drawings.
which i still haven't started yet. yikes...