Sunday, January 31, 2010

31/365 The Moon Ends.

The time has come
for the curtains to fall
and bring forth
the commencement
of a new show.

The first moon concludes
The sequel begins.
What has been done
We can't change.

What we can change
Lies not in thy future
But in thy present.

So forget not the Present,
as it is a gift to us,
like a present itself.

Value it
and your world
shall mold to your reckoning.

Do not forget the past
But remember it
For it constitutes you
And without it
You are but nothing.

So move on
Hurry on
Worry less of what might come
Do more in your now
Create fireworks
as your work in the Present.

Thus,
this is how
the first moon ends.

30/365 Waking up fresh after Thaipusam

...
?
Oh...
Wait,
it's Sunday already?
ZzzzzZ
Shoot,
I guess this makes this another belated post.

Yesterday,
was a very fun experience during Thaipusam.
Even though I only slept for 3 hours the day before the duty,
it was still a very great day I'd say.

Well...
Even though I'm not supposed to be charged for my KTM.
I had to pay RM2 for a ticket anyways.
Just because the guard didn't recognize my t-shirt.
Pfft, should've worn my vest on.
Ah crap...
I lost my name tag after stream of crowd brushed through me like swarming locusts.
Have to make a new one...

Ugh... I sprained my ankle.
Didn't feel so much yesterday
but when I woke up today,
yeah it hurts XD

How I got it sprained?
Oh... uh
well, I was running to and fro from an accident scene.
Not really an accident though.
There was a large man from a charity dining hall
and he had short of breath,
more like he had difficulty breathing.

The unit from Riverbank Base 2 went to respond.
We brought a stretcher along just in case.
But well, seems like he was too frigging large for the stretcher
and even with four males,
it seemed almost impossible to uplift him.

His breathing stabilized and worsened from time to time.
Very disoriented.
And during the response,
I suspect that there was a miscommunication going on
since the first ambulance that came was not coming
for the patient but looking for a faster way to get back to main base.

It's kinda funny when he said
"this ambulance has no equipment,
I need to go back to main base to change the ambulance"

I suppose certain ambulances aren't equipped then.
Is he trying to say that that ambulance he was using
was just a mere van for transportation?
Well, I donno but for that
even though I could understand the situation
brining the casualty to the hospital was far more important.

IF he had just came to the site and transported him straight to the hospital,
I don't think the casualty would be denied of proper medical procedure for
over half an hour.

Difficulty in breathing is a sever case after all.
And one of my colleagues even instructed to get an oxygen tank.
Seeing the empty ambulance filled with 5 people,
I guess someone would have to take an oxygen tank from main base.
So I ran back to base.

On my way,
I bumped into the real ambulance
that was supposed to arrive and tend
to our call for this case.

So I ran back scattering the crowd away from ambulance's path.
But I sprained my ankle when I was chasing that empty ambulance
from before to inform them the fastest route back to base.
Well, the ambulance was moving very slow because of the crowd
so I could catchup with it.

Oh... I also encountered one unusual case.
The time when we went on scene,
he heard that someone got sawan or epilepsy.
So we rushed there.

Apparently,
that casualty just fell to the ground,
a bit blur but conscious.
And had a few wounds here and there.
He had deformed hands and feet.
They were unusually small.
Anyway, we brought him back to base.

When we diagnosed him,
one colleague of mine speculated that the casualty
may have been a drug addict or alcoholic.
Another told me he might have diabetes
and is probably suffering from gangrene.

We aren't doctors so we couldn't give a call.
The only way was to send him to main base to get a full body check.
And so we did.
3 people with one stretcher.
Ugh... my hands were dying then lol.
The medics were holding the stretcher up front,
whereas I held the back of it by myself,
and the handles were really slippery because of my sweaty hands.
So it kept slipping and made it very hard to grip.

But we managed to get to base,
after we made like.. 5 stops?
Thank goodness the crowd wasn't that thick then.
Felt like my forearm increased it's capacity by 30% at least after I brought him there.
They felt so powerless that when lunch came,
my hands were trembling even as I held the styrofoam pack
which was no more than a few hundreds of grams.

Then there was this girl,
one of the medics.
Intan her name was I think.

I donno,
I might be overly self-conscious but
it seemed like she sorta like had a thing for me.
Well, I just thought it was normal at first,
to be talking to not just here, but everyone else.
She followed the 3 of us during the stretcher carry anyways.
She helped whenever one of us felt tired.

The medics and I talked a lot.
I think i could still remember their names in order of seats.
Intan, Mas, Khairol, Maz, Zainon or J, Fazley, Suhaila, Nafsiah and Nurulhuda.
Heh, they complemented me for remembering all the names at first shot.
It wasn't hard since they gave all nicknames.

So while we were talking,
we just jumped a topic about awek or well, gal.
The Intan suddenly blurted out,
"Oi, pernah terpikir tak mau kahwin ngan gadis Melayu?"
Everyone when "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~"
And she sorta went to the back and OTL'd for a while.
Then she just came back to her seat.
I told her, eh no.. I told them,
that I did think of it,
but nah...
"saya dah ade kekasih dah"
and Intan's expression completely changed.
lolz...

So yeah, that's how I knew.

But overall, they were very funny people.
Ugh, I had to takeover the walkie talking.
So frigging hard to listen man.
The words uttered are usually barely audible through the speaker.

Oh,
I was talking to Mas and Khairol about
sunat lol.
Actually they were asking me about it.
I said I thought about it but never had the chance, money nor time to do so.
I'm thinking of it, but I guess now's not a good time.
But I don't have to worry I guess.
It's not like I'm having sexual intercourse with anyone currently.
Or had for that matter 0.o

And then we jumped into the topics of why babi's and anjing's are haram.
The dog one had a very vague story, but well, it's just haram la.
As for piggy piggy,
I found it kinda interesting.
They said that pigs are haram in islam 'cause of this one story,
and in it it says that pigs have this sorta virus
that after you consume the pig,
the virus stays in your intestine
and never leaves you even after you die.

If one were to compare a normal human's intestine
with the one that had consumed pig before after a dissection,
we'll be able to see the difference.
So they say of course.

But according to them,
science did prove that pigs have these organisms
in them that makes their consumers feel rather bad.
So.. maybe it's right?

Anyways, it's not like I'm especially fond of pork.
I just eat them when my mom cooks it.
But truth is, I don't really like it at all...

When I got back, the KTM stunned there for more than 30 minutes.
Why?
Oh, because the smart station attendants wanted to share the cars with the next wave of people because we had so much space in our cars.
Zzzzzz...

Anything la.
But I didn't have to pay anymore for my tickets.
But I do hope that this kinda stuff don't happen anymore.
RM2 is a lot to me.

When I got back home.
I just thought of blogging.
SO i had some leftover pizza from dinner,
took a bath
and headed to the bed I sleep on in my dad's room
to dry my armpits.

Hm?
I dry my armpits 'cause
if I don't,
they'd stay wet and produce a very funny odour.
Which even I feel uncomfortable with.
So I have to dry them after my baths all the time.

And well, the next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and it was 9am
with my laptop turned on the whole morning I think.
And so.. I blog today on behalf of yesterday.

Ok, I think I need to make haste to my Jap class now.


Friday, January 29, 2010

29/365 4 5683 968

4

5
6
8
3

9
6
8

2
4
6
3

9
3
3

9
4
2
6

!

=)

It's been quite some time since I last used this code.
I did tell BU once that I'd only use this code on her.
But I think I've already found someone more worthy
in my life to receive this code from me.

After all,
when I tested
on BU,
she had no idea what it was
until I explained to her.
But C...
She understood it
at first try.

And the most important part is that,
I love her now, not BU.
I don't think BU'd mind this
since it seems that she's waiting for someone now.
It may just be a speculation though.

But what matters most in the end is that
I love C
and there's all there is to it.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

28/365 Winds Change

Winds change.
Air does not stay still.
For as long as movement persists.
Winds will change irregardless.

Such is my mind.
Before, dead I was, in thought.
Alive with life...unsure.
But days are bright again.
And even when I feel dark,
Darkness flees.

As though waking me from a walking dream,
that the world is inhabited by lively people,
and when you touch them every now so often,
somehow what they are also transfers to you.

I was dark no doubt.
Still dark in vagueness,
but I just can't go back there
when these warm candlelights
are always floating around me
to light up the abyss
even when I didn't ask to.

When them and I are there,
it just corresponds,
resonates,
and responds.

Thanks for bringing me back.
But I've to keep still
a part of my black self
to keep on going forward
to battle the slacking sloth within.

I've to awaken.
With more haste I muster
Towards the unknown I move.
Tomorrow is the Answer to nothingness.

For that one goal,
I shall forever breathe
as my red engine fuels my journey
until it begins to fail.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Seriousness Overriden

Thanks to Yaakob and Sleepy.
=_=

Not to say that being happy is bad.
Or being serious is really that good either.
But the things that come out of their mouth...
ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
They just tempt me to laugh all the time.

Why is it that when I want things to be bad,
they always turn up good.
And when they're supposed to be good,
they just end up worse.
Pfft.

Such complexity in such a simple theory.
Such irony.

Well,
doesn't mean I've to stop being serious.
I still have to continue on.

Give myself a month.
I'll make it a point to change wholly.
I just can't afford to just let time slide like that any longer.

As much as I hate to admit it,
but shyt man...
those to laughbags just penetrate through my funnybone
everytime words fly from their lips through the air

And they don't stop echoing.
Such good friends they are.
-_-
But well,
I guess I enjoy their company.
Just that I've to control myself.

Just learn Osla.

27/365 Understanding Myself.

I'm dead.
Already dead.
I have no fears.
Nothing to bind me.
Nothing to stop me.
I'm free to do what I want.

But what do I want?
Can this living corpse
have a proper desire?

I find that I still smile on certain occasions.
I'll just smile when I really feel like it.
Doesn't seem to be anything wrong with it.
For other times,
I'll keep my facial poise stagnant and serious,
reminding myself of what I need to do.
And not to forget my tasks just because of what little happiness I can get.

Still,
that doesn't mean
I shouldn't enjoy the things I do.
When I enjoy,
I don't have to necessarily smile.
It just feels comfortable to do something when you enjoy it.
And you don't really feel tired.
But I've yet to find that pleasure.
So how would I know of such a thing?

I'll still try to enjoy the little things in my dead life.
Being serious doesn't mean there's no room for game.

I'm trying to revert between casual and serious.
I discover that, my social links still are intact within me.
I can't seem to break the bond I share with others.
I know we all have something together.
When I silence myself,
I feel guilty.
As I feel
that not even
a call is given to
a good friend who've
been with me with me all
this very long period of time
is like a grave sin i've commited.

I know I don't have to worry about expressing myself
openly with full honesty with them
and they'd accept me however I am
except if I seem to bring a dark aura to them.
Then why this sober solitude?

I donno.
I think I just wanna get my life back into focus.
No.
It was never in focus.
Far too much distraction.
I want to be able,
to achieve at least total control of my mind,
if not my body.

And so this is what I do.
I'll be serious, for as long as I can.
Even when I feel like smiling,
I'll suppress it in and return to being serious.
I can smile and laugh all I like in the future.
For now, I'll have to control.
To gain total control of my mind.
Is that even possible?
I'm sure as hell it ain't impossible.
So I'm gonna go for it.

For those who actually read this.
I appreciate your support.
I still need time.
No, everyone needs time.
To change.
Not just change.
But to do anything in particular.

We always regret about the times that cannot return.
And we also fully understand the correlation between time and action.
There're even proverbs to share with us so we don't lose sight of time.
But yet, we still go blind when temptations to the comfortability of life arises.
Are we humans that easily distracted with the pleasures of life?

I know,
that my greatest of great pleasures,
is when I take a leak,
drop off the load,
or when I sleep.
Nothing beats this 3.
Not eating, nor drinking or breathing.
Not masturbading, not sex.
Not dreaming, wasting time, lazing, relaxing.
Not gaming, playing exercising.
Just plain the plain 3 things.
Nothing else really matters.

For as long as I can sleep,
doesn't have to be comfy,
I'd rather have the ability to close my eyes and rest
than have a grand luxurious bed and still not sleep at all.

For as long as I can always take a leak,
I know I can always take in more fluids,
and everytime I let it off,
that's probably the most relieving of all times.
To not be able to relief this part,
is such a pitiable situation.

Dropping of the load is by far the best.
It takes a long time sometimes,
Also short at times.
It makes you feel lighter.
Emptier to take in more things.
Sometimes it's solid.
At other times, waterish.
But either way,
if I don't let theme go,
I just don't know how I'm gonna go through life.

The 3 basic pleasures are there
so why greed for more?
Why the existence of greed in the first place?

With this 3,
I can keep on going unconditionally.
Other benefits will come as I proceed to become better and better.
But I'm very lucky.
Because I've the luxury of love by my side.
And because if have that with me,
it should be all the more the reason for me to keep my focus on track.

I know I know not what I really want to do.
So lets keep it now as I'll do whatever I'm good at.
But my focused area now is art.
So what am I good at in art?
Good... yeah, everything.
Everything in art for my side is already good.
But I've yet to be great.

I'm not a greedy person as far as I've known.
But now, I must greed.
Greed for greatness.
To achieve what?
Self satisfaction
Which for me,
comes from making
the most important person in my world
happy when she lives together with me.
I don't want her to curse her days with me after submitting to the solemn oath.
I want her to be fully justified,
to know that choosing me,
was the best choice she's ever made.

I may be dead.
But I'll try.
To live
To really really live.
Not just to be happy on all the small things now.
But to be able to stand tall and smile big and grand
over the sacrifices I've took to come this far.
Thus far I've near to none.
So I shall forge these frames of greatness with the time I have in my present.

I'll forever anticipate the emergence of myself again.
If I've a dead me,
a revamped me,
a normal me,
I must have also,
the different me,
and the true me
correct?

What's true in me still remains a question for me now.
It might be a life-long answer,
but hey, I'm dead.
What's longer living compared to eternal death?

And so, I walk.
As my previous page said,
I will walk.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

26/365 To find or not to find?

To find or not to find?
It's always much easier to just follow,
and not do things by ourselves.

But what difference does it make anyways?
Should I submit myself to fate?
Or should I work myself towards my unknown goals?
My future is empty in my dreams.
I only have momentary transient dreams
that become none but dust in the end.

Still,
without purpose,
I'll walk.
Until I find something.
This time when I walk,
it is no leisure walk.

I walk with speed,
haste,
determination,
and focus.

I'll leave the him behind.
And let it be my shadow under the unyielding sunlight.
When the time comes,
he'll emerge again.

Only
and only if
he desires to.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Smile. Do I need you?

Smile.
Do I need you?
I don't feel like smiling anymore.
Because I've made up my mind.
Not to smile.
Anymore.

What's happiness when
You can't even achieve anything?

Happiness.
What's that really?

I've never been truly satisfied with myself.
I tried to change so hard countless of times.

In the end,
I always end up with an empty fuel
to go on further.

I find then I take life too easy.
I'm always contended with the way things are.
And so I never try too hard.
But is being contended wrong?

Or is leaving my dreams behind even a greater wrong?
What's more important to me?
A successful life?
Or staying happy?

I told C.
My best trait was
Sacrificing for someone else.

I'm at my best limit when I'm doing something for someone with all my heart.
Even when sometimes its just cleaning the toilet or picking up a few pieces of rubbish.
Or sweeping the floor just to make it look clean.
Arranging the shoes properly so that it looks tidy.
Or studying for someone.
Getting my grades up for someone.
Or taking the damage so that someone would not be burdened.

Truth be told
I don't think
I don't believe
that I do have any dreams in particular.

With this dreamless vassal,
at best
I can try
to fulfill someone's dreams.

What's the purpose of my life?
I know not the reason.
I just know that I've to continue living,
and fulfill the purpose of my life,
in which I have absolutely no knowledge of.

All my life,
I've been through pain and pain all times over.
It was as though
the preludes in my life
were preparing me for a greater pain ahead.

If I couldn't handle the small bruises and grazes,
how would I sustain and endure crushes and cuts?

I'm no masochist.
I do not wish to inflict pain unto myself.
But it is rather peculiar
as I find that
sorrow
is my greatest strength.

I do things better when I'm sad.
When I know I'm all alone.
When I know nobody would understand the purpose of my actions.
When I'm in utter disappointment.
When all hopes are gone.
When I feel that this life is not worth staying happy
as it is pointless to be happy without living for a greater purpose
and to continue doing things ignorantly with my own life.

As I succumb into these feelings,
I feel tougher and denser.
People start to stray away from me.
When I express,
they do not hear.

I do not wish to convolute their lives any further with my complications.
Nor do I feel there's any necessity for them to know my harboring feelings.

People just ask because they want to know out of curiosity.

Lies.

All they want to do is just to look as though they care.

It's obvious.
When I say something,
and they don't even seem to pay attention.

Some people do listen.
And some just don't.

What is being emo?
Just what is emo?

I fail to grasp the concept.
Is not smiling making me emo?
Is being honest with my feelings here emo?

Perhaps.

Emo is a term for those who are stricken with immense sadness
so much to the extent that it affects people around them.
That's what I can understand from it.
I know I affect the people around me.
But why do they have to be so nosy with myself?
When I sought for company, they leave me.
When I lock myself up, they pry it open.

Just what do you wish of me World?

To give me more pain?

I'm numb.
Already too numb.
Any excess pain would be irrelevant.
It doesn't matter to me anymore.

I'm okay with bearing it.

No.

I live with pain.
I am Pain.

Am I writing down my wishes in life this very moment?
I'm not certain myself.

I have to believe in others when other do not necessarily have to believe in me.
I have to trust others when others do not necessarily have to trust me.
I have to understand others when other do not necessarily have to understand me.
I have to care for other when others do not necessarily have to care for me.
I have to help others when others do not necessarily have to help me.

And when I love
I love that person
when she does not necessarily have to love me in return.

I'm used to the unrequited lifestyle.
A life without any rewards.
A life without any expectations.
I've never had any true support in my life.
In the end, all I have is myself.
When I do something,
instead of appreciation
depreciation is what I receive.

Depressed?
Stressed?
Those words mean nothing to me.
They've been alongside me all my life.
Evolving me into the numb creature I am today.
I'm saddened with sorrow almost all my life.
Happiness comes only to be met with disappointment.
Just because I'm filled with sorrow,
does not mean I'm depressed now.

Depression is a psychological disease
or believed to be a mental illness
after having too much to bear.

I'm different.
I can bear as much pain as required.
Without feeling crushed.
Crush me again, and I'd just grow again like grass.
Burn me, and I'd still walk with an aflamed body.
Freeze me and I'd shatter my limbs and still keep going.
Electrocute me and I'd still keep my heart beating.
And I don't feel like dying or doing nothing.
I feel like doing something all the time.
So am I diagnosed as a depressed mind?

My confidence is not affected.
I feel more motivated then being happy.
So am I still emo?
Depressed?

Again.
People misunderstand.
No.
They refuse to understand.
The need for me to be like this
so that I could achieve more.
To others,
being like this is weird.
It's out of the norm.
It's a fact however.
I can't deny what's true.

I've no longer any threshold for pain.
Since people
People have used me as their tool
to let of their steam.
I've already forgotten about my capacity for pain.
Only things that touch my heart can roll my tears down again.
But even so, sometimes
I don't even know why the tears come.
Am I not weird?

I think the previous post wasn't really important.
Nor was it necessary.
I didn't have to kill myself.
I already died a long time ago.
I'm not that Osla who's always trying to be happy anymore.
I've not matured from it either.
I just evolved.
Into this numb state.
How am I different from a walking corpse?

I don't eat people.
I don't thirst for blood.
I still think.
I still have morals.
I can feel emotions.
And I don't do things aimlessly.
I may not know my purpose,
but I always have an aim.

I don't know what long term health is.
I just know if I run, I feel better.
I don't understand body building.
I just know when I work out, I feel great.
I don't know what excellence is.
I just know when someone says its nice, then its nice.
I don't know about success.
I just know that I've to finish up things.
I don't know what's so good about helping people.
I just know when I see them smile, it's all worth it.

What about my smile?
Is it as important as the smile of others?
Equally maybe.
Or of zero significance whatsoever too.
Others just want to be happy.
I let them be happy.

But why won't they allow me my space when I need it?
Oh yes.
I have to give them space, but they don't necessarily have to give me space.
I have to make then happy but they don't necessarily have to make me happy either.

I don't care anymore sometimes whether I should say hurtful things.
If in the end, people still get irritated by me, then I might as well just provide them the poison.
I just want to be honest, and people condemn me for it.

Lies.
What's so good with living with lies?
Falsity and illusions.
Nothing is real.
At least my life is not a lie.
I live it.
It is not false.

This is perhaps my true self all along.
Smiling, being happy.
I was just tending to others needs.
So that they feel comfortable around me.
To let them think that I'm a nice person to have around.
True enough, I wouldn't want to bring about my dark aura to them.
But they weren't false lies.
I tried to change.
Stayed true to myself.
In the end, I just revert to this embodiment of sadness.

So all this while me being happy and all.
Were they just plays?
A spectacular stage performance?
I've never put on any masks since I left secondary as far as I can remember.
I was just trying to change.
Adjust.
Do something new for myself.
But it just seems like the happy lifestyle isn't just for me.

"everyone deserves to be happy"
Yes.
Everyone.
Everyone else.
I've to make others happy.
Not me.

In moral itself,
it states that,
moral is something
that lets others feel happiness.

It didn't say anything about oneself.
It did mention however that pain or sadness however is associated with immoral.
So I could say, I've been immoral to myself all this time.
Because I'm dampened with sadness all the time.
When I'm supposed to drown, I float.
It's as if, I was born to go through a tough life.

True, my life isn't as bad as people from third worlds.
It's not that terrible either.
I have everything I need.
Just deprived of family support, friendship, care and understanding.
Understanding for most part.
And because of it,
what I am today
is irreversible.

I can still change.
But for what reason?
Do I need a reason for change?
Why reason when I can change without reason?
Then what's the purpose of having a reason?

It's funny.
How fast things turn.
I was commenting on overflowing bliss one day.
And I start this whole piece of dark material today.

"Nothing ever lasts"
I guess that rings true in my life.

Maybe happiness shouldn't have existed in my life in the first place.
I'm probably born in the wrong era.
I think if I were born alongside Hitler,
I'd be an evil person.
Just because I've no feelings towards others anymore.
And I've got nothing to do with my life.
So I receive commands and execute without question.
Because it's just so much easier.

If I was with Mother Teresa,
I'd be a noble person.
I had nothing else to do.
And I channel all my efforts into her teachings.
Which in turn would make me a kind person.
A saint when I don't even intend to.

And of all the things,
my soul was shipped to this certain family in Malaysia
decades after Independance.
With nothing much to do.
When we were taught about the easy lifestyle from young.
It's as though just by being in this generation
we just can't help but be lazy.

C asked me today,
"Am I affecting you in any way?"
I told her she wasn't.
In fact, I was the one affecting her.
Because of the way I am reacting to what she said to me previously,
she felt guilty and thought of the worst that could happen to us.
She was sad.
Crying.
I wasn't.
I was numb.
I felt nothing.
I just know I had things to do.

I told her I'd try to keep smiling.
And so I will.
Though I do not wish to anymore.
She told me that I shouldn't do something when I don't want to do it.
Truth is I've always been doing something that I don't want to do.
What difference does it make if I do the same again?

When I'm with her,
I told myself to let myself loose.
The me she loves.
I don't know which side of me is it that she loves.
She mentioned everything before.
But I really wonder once she reads this post.
I still love her.
As in,
I still want to search for the meaning of love together with her, without knowing what it means.
And yes, I still do love her.
As in I really, still feel something for her.
I may be numb, but somehow, I still have room for love amidst all my pain and sadness.

To let myself loose huh?
Or just putting on a different persona?
I don't even know which is the real me.
More like, there's no real me.
Only the me others see in their eyes.
What I think of myself doesn't matter.
It's what they think of me that matters.

Maybe that's why some people like me.
And some people dislike me.
I'm selfish and selfless.
I'm kind and evil.
I'm gracious and ungrateful.
I'm optimistic and pessimistic.
I'm nice and bad.
I'm polite and vulgar.
I'm enjoyable and irritating.
I'm hardworking and lazy.
I'm understanding and ignorant.
I'm something and nothing.
I'm positive and negative.
I'm Yin and Yang.
I'm whatever you want to see me as.
A ditto of sorts.

They just choose to like or dislike me and label me as they see fit.
It doesn't matter if I want to be liked.
They'll like me if I'm under their preferences.
And dislike me when I'm not.
A very simple theory.

Who am I?
I'm just a body.
With a name.
Called Osla Chan.
And that's about all.

Nothing matters.
Not what I think.
Not what my traits are.
Not how I judge myself.
Just how others look at me.
This body named Osla Chan.

What else is there for me to say?
I don't know.
Probably a lot more.
But I think this is enough for now.
I don't see the point of going further.
Though it doesn't matter,
I think that what I've said here is already more than enough to describe myself.
Think what you wanna think of me.
Believe or deny.
The truth still stands.
I'm nothing but a body with a name.
So Smile, do I need you at all?

I just know,
all this time,
I've been doing nothing but one thing.
Balancing others lives
by going about their preferences.
When there's a channel for anger,
I become their target,
and they feel balanced.
When someone needs something, I give.
They feel balanced again.
Me?
I don't think there's a need for me to be imbalanced.

Zen has this remark on his description in Facebook.
"Just another guy in life. Mm"
Me?
I think I'm not even nearly as significant as a bacteria.
Even bacteria are researched by scientists.

The truth is out.
My truth is out.
Read or not,
believe or not,
it doesn't matter anymore.
I'm far too insignificant to impose myself in front of others to explain myself.
Why bother when they don't especially care anyways?
I am numb
But I do feel tired and exhausted.
And I'm tired of explaining when ears are closed.

25/365 Redefining Me

What C said was right.
I'm a failure.
Always was.
I'm so talented yet I give it all away to procrastination.
I'd say I'd try, and I'd always just try and lose motivation after a while,
and then I'd go reverting to my old ways. Doing the same things over and over again.
Repeating my failures over failures over and over again in an endless cycle.

We met each other today.
Before she met me,
I was determined to entitle
this blog as
"I now pronounce you dead Osla Chan"
because I just simply can't go on like this anymore.
So much to the extent that,
I've to kill myself to prevent further damage.
So that I can save my future.
And journey through to road of success.

I told myself I'd trade my smiles away.
And do whatever it takes to change.
So that I may succeed.
Hence, I decided to be serious all the way through.

And when I did, the first thing I got was
"why are you so emo today?"
Just because I want to be serious
doesn't mean I emo.

I focused on my work.
I only worked and did nothing else but that.
Then C apologized to me countless times.
And said she wanted to see me.

So I went to look for her.
And she looked like she was crying.
Crying over overwhelming guilt.
I told her that she shouldn't be feeling guilty.
It's my decision to change.

After we talked,
I just had to smile.
I want to be serious.
And I still am.
But I need to know the balance between
smiling and being serious.

So here I am redefining myself.
Killing myself and creating a new me wouldn't be the m0st ideal solution.
I suppose I should revamp myself into someone better.
In which I've been trying to do since forever
And have yet to accomplish anything of note.

So I'll try even harder than before.
I think I'm gonna delete my online games now.
I need to make more time for my future.
And I'll be sure to be able to see her at least once a week
for as long as she's still here.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

24/365 24 Revolutions in One Sunrise

24 revolutions in one sunrise
60 cycle in one revolution
60 clicks in one revolution

A dawn comes during sunrise.
And night comes after sunset.
When the stars are lit with glow
A twilight comes after

And a new daybreak begins.
Such is the wheel of life
Destiny enchained
Fate entwined

Ultimately
Will creates it all.
It shapes your road.
The path to your ascension.

Once known Fall,
And Climb,
and you shall understand
true meaning
in what
glory
is.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

23/365 Hope

Dreams can come true eh?
Mr. Spencer Ooi of Studio Climb taught me that.
No, his artwork taught me that.
After all, he spent more than 75,000 hours total of his life
drawing again and again perfecting what could not be perfect.

I think...
I believe...
I can do the same.

But there's one peculiarity to my mind.
He said that he's never felt tired his entire life.
Because he enjoyed drawing so much, nothing else seemed to matter.
Besides of course his relationships and health.

I feel tired very often...
Does that just mean that,
this isn't the right passion for me?
Or is it just because...
I've yet to find my true purpose in art?

Regardless,
I'll still try harder.
and harder.

I just hope my hopes won't be shattered with disappointed.
And here, hope I shall.
For the will to do something greater.
What do I want to do?
Really...?

22/365 Special Circumstances

Special circumstances.
A situation in which one
may not know would become
not in forecasting nor lore.

I had to go with the fact
that I couldn't log 22nd's post
on the 22nd itself due to untimely timings.

So I submit myself to the flow
and move one with what I have to do.

And here I am,
logging 'tis belated
post of memories
on the break of 23rd instead.

This may happen from time to time
For I am no God of time.
The Wheel continues to spin.
I can't stop it from turning.
And so I'd have to make do
with what manageable I can find..


Thursday, January 21, 2010

21/365 Consequences

Consequences.
The sting I face from my life's actions.
What I do reflects back at me.

Today, I find myself in disappointments arms again.
Because of incompetency, I've annoyed someone,
which in turn annoys myself,
hence frustration I feel.

I vow not to annoy anyone anymore
just because I'm not competent enough
in paying attention in class.
They can do it.
I should keep my par as high.
Competitions never slow down.
They only get hotter and stuffier.

Only those who can survive will reach the summit.
Those who won't will crumbles to dust nothing but forgotten.

I need to make haste.
For her sake,
for my sake,
for our sake,
for us,
I'll try even harder.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

20/365 I'll try harder

I'll try harder.
I'll try harder...
That's probably the 6th time
I uttered those words in text already.
Especially to C.

There's nothing much on my mind now.
I just wanna get on and finish up all my work.
Then I wanna enjoy the free time I have later without any worries.
But well,
truth is
I have far too many worries in my mind.
Assignments are one part,
my family is another,
finances is another headache.

I'm so desperate that i'm stinging every single penny I can save from spending.
And now,w I need RM248+ or something to get a set of Prisma colour pencils.
I already spent a lot of money this 2 weeks,
and they were all my hard earned savings.

I ate less than RM4 or equivalent a day.
But never above RM5.
Besides that just one day,
I spent RM7.95 to get a Subway sandwich with C.

And here the mayhem of spending begins.
I got attacked and lost my student tag = RM30
I bought a drawing board to ease my work around home = RM5
A roll of newsprint for Life Drawing = RM5
A 2GB Thumbdrive for me to transfer files = RM30
Changing bicycle wire and flat tyre =RM25
That's already RM95.
Where's the other RM305?
RM200 is kept in back and is strictly forbidden to be withdrawn unless necessary.
So I've another RM105 to spend left.
If I spend an average of RM4.50 daily x 13 days = RM58.50.
I've currently less than RM56.50 to spend.
Maybe less.
For the next.. 2 weeks I think.

I don't like the way i'm approaching my work now.
So I'm trying something out now.
"I'll try harder."
I meant every word in that short sentence.
I want to focus on work and work alone.
Everything else must come after.
Be it laughing or joking or relaxing.
Even... spending time with C.
I just simply cannot continue being last minute anymore.

Today...
I've been very despondent to people.
While I was finishing up my A2 sketch,
my classmate came up to me and had a look on my sketch.
Then commented on my sketching and noticed my sober expression.
"Osla, you ok ah?"
It was so obvious that she wasn't the only one who asked.
Even my lecturer asked.
I just said
"no i'm not."

My worries...
they don't have the need to know.
Well, if they wanna know, it's all openly logged here.
So they can investigate and dig however deep they want over here.
It's not like I mind.
Since I've more important things to tend to.

I went for my VAD meeting a while ago.
I met C.
We had a brief walk together after the meeting adjourned.
She talked to me most of the time while I kept quiet.
I guess... I felt a bit ashamed of being around here.
Always being last minute.
She said so herself.
When she was near me,
I walked further away to avoid holding her hand
because I knew if I did,
I'd spend more time there.

I just don't have that much time to spare anymore.
I need to really learn to organize my time.
As much as I want to, I know I shouldn't.
I had work to do.
So I just went back home right after.
Only with a "bye" from her and a wave from me.

I barely spoke today,
especially after my lecturer said,
"you must get a set of Prisma colour pencils"
and they cost more than a staggering RM200.
My dad's already in such a mess with his finances,
do I even have the gull to ask him for extra?
He already gave me RM400 for this month.
Is it still not enough?
Of course I need it.
But with my current situation,
it's difficult.

But I haven't asked my dad yet.
I'll just withdraw some money and buy it first.
Then I'll get the receipt and claim it back from my dad.
At least he has proof to see and I won't feel so bad about it.

Sorry C.
I'm gonna have to be despondent to you for a while.
I need to get my working habits straighten up for the moment.
I just find that I simply can't have anymore distractions now.
So I'm removing myself from available distractive situations.
Most which includes spending time with C,
talking excessively with my classmates,
laughing inappropriately,
thinking that I can do things slowly and just take it easy,
taking far too many breaks,
playing games,
taking long bathes,
the tv,
the computer,
Facebook.
Everything
but Blogger.

Because I still need to keep the 365 agenda ongoing.
No matter what.
Well, time is running out.
I'm gonna have to stop here.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

19/365 Something she said

I thought maybe I should give her a surprise visit.
So I didn't call nor sms her when I arrived.
But after I got to the same old spot,
I thought maybe I shouldn't call her and
just continued with my homework
which I brought along with me to college
I didn't wanna distract her.
She's much faster with her studies
when I'm not around anyways.

I thought of giving our meeting to chance.
If she happened to come to the same spot,
then we'd meet and maybe catch up,
but if we don't then its an opportunity for us
to put more focus and attention into our studies.

But well
I guess I just
don't like hiding
things from her
so I sms'd her
saying
"I'm here already, but don't come if you're not free! >{"

And so I took out my tools and started working
A few minutes later upon starting on my work
She came anyways and the first thing I said was,
"Are you free or not?"
She said "no,"
We smiled at each other
And I continued my work
with undivided attention.

After a while...
She got a little sleepy,
and she rested her head on her heap of books.
I felt worried that she might be overstudying
and overworking her head a bit too much,
at first, I tried to stick to my work
but I felt uneasy knowing that she was like that.

So I halted my hand.
Got up from the bench
And hugged her.
She was startled and wide awake after,
and we had our first proper conversation today.

The most prominent part of the talk was this few lines,
"Owh, after I finish this piece I still have to get back to finish another piece.
And its due tomorrow at 3pm."
And she said,
"Haa... why are you doing things last minute again?
How long are you planning to be like this?
Being last minute for the rest of your life?"

That kinda stung me,
those words were true nonetheless.
I thought I might try and do work for a change
instead of going back home and rot while time flies
like how I'd normally do on other days
but I didn't tell her that,
since there was no excuse
for me to give to her.
Last minute is still last minute.
Though it might give me a sense
of urgency and demanding rush to me
it is just plainly not a good habit to practice.

How long do I plan to be last minute huh.
I don't plan to be last minute...
I just am....
But how do I change that?

Hmm...
Actually I might have a solution to that.
I kinda thought about it after I kept questing on ROSE.
What if I started my very own quest journal?
Or a log?
However...
A quest is almost
near to pointless
without a proper reward
for the effort you put in.

So how should I set the rewards I get?
In games... there is an experience and level system.
When you finish a quest, you get exp,
so it takes you nearer to your next level.
And sometimes, they come with extra rewards,
such as money and items.

How do I apply this in real life then?
Well, there's truth in practice makes perfect,
the more I do something, the better I become.
So if I do something at it right for some time,
I'd get better at it and well, level up.

But with experience alone might not be enough
to fuel my thirst for more questing.
Maybe a storyline perhaps?
Or some extra incentives?
It's not like I've money to spend...
And saving money isn't that easy in art college.
But I think I should at least give it a shot first.

C might have said those words in a very soft and loving way,
But they are in every inch provocative and demanding improvement.
I should try my best to fulfill that little request.
She might not have bluntly said it outright,
but hey, who wants to live with a last minute guy for the rest if her life?
Sounds pretty dumb doesn't it?
So... I'll try.
I donwanna disappoint her.
I hurt a girl and made her cry before.
I'm not about to repeat that foolishness.
Especially when this current girl loves me with all her heart.

I'll have to start regulating my time.
Like... now, immediately.
I'll change.
I'll try harder.
Just like how I'd always jog like a madman.
Until my legs go weak.