Thursday, September 30, 2010

271/365 Recovery Log 2

Yeah... the swelling subsided. no more blood. Good news. 
And uh... no C, I don't think I need the aloe vera. Thanks though,
but not everyone is aloe vera compatible. You wouldn't want my condition
to backfire would you? D:

OK! Finished my acrylic. Better than the piece of trash last week definitely.
But uh... it sorta looks like a guy. Gyah, if I had smoothen it more...
boo hoo, no more remorses.

Gawd... so muscular. Shyt. Oh no. I can't believe I made a phayled Luka.
Zzzz... and all that motivation till now. Pfft. What a pain.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

270/365 Recovery Log 1

Yes, I'm talking to you asshole. What the fuck was wrong with you man, going emo over such a
small thing. I guess you kinda took Lydia's grow up a bit too wrongly too. She was just telling you 
to outgrow that childish emotional spikes of yours. You know how irritating it is to people around 
you? They start to pause in front of you, tries to say something, but seeing you so down and over, they eliminate such thoughts from their minds. Not a good thing. After all, if friends can't 
talk to you, you'll never know what they want to express to you don't you? Ok wait, maybe not talk.
But uh, communicate. So yeah. Stop being a bitch. Move on with life.

I donno, I'm feeling so happy and rowdy right now, like I just realized something really great. It
somewhat resembles that time when I suddenly told myself I wanna teach people the value of
art. Yeah, that sorta feeling. Well, despite getting hit yesterday during my delivery intermission, I
guess it's safe to say I'm completely ok. Just my left arm, well, bad stuff. Lol, maybe you'll see the
picture at the end of the post.

Why happy? Ok, for one, my mp3's really playing songs that just hit the notes of my brains lol. 
The really motivated side of course. Man, I'm so gonna complete so much work tonight. Besides 
that, it's possibly because of that what little session I had with my friends about 4 hours ago. 
Pookie and Alex mentioned some really revealing things to me.

Well, I asked them opinions about my boss's offer and all. Obvious one would be them asking
me to think twice and the classic up to what you wanna do. But Alex is just amazing lah, the stuff
he says just makes damn a lot of sense. The part about him telling me that a lot of people can't
study the courses they want even if they want to and me having the opportunity to do so 
now and wanting to drop out. Sounds kinda ironic doesn't it?

I never knew Kowe got sponsored to join TOA because of an art competition. But whatever it is,
he deserves it because you can really see that he's good.

I donno what I wanna do. But I do know that before I joined TOA, I wanted to see what's out there 
to do in the world of art. But the longer I am at TOA, the initial aims keeps getting steered further
and further away from where I want to go in the first place. Dread, demoralization, whatever it is,
it's making me hate art more than I like it.

But I still like it. I smile sometimes when I draw. It happens a lot less these days of course. When
the sight for happiness is blinded by the shroud of frustration all things bad, some things that 
seem enjoyable just don't become so enjoyable anymore.

Continuing to what Alex said, he also mentioned that this time, this very moment, while we're all
still in college, this is the time for us to really do what we want. Because once we go out, work is
just work and that's when you'll have to face real music. He continuously reminded me to see far,
where I wanna be in 5 years time and stuff. Not that I haven't thought of it before, just that when
he asked me if I wanted to do the job for the next 5 years, yes, I'd get a full time job, but lets not
forget that I'm still under employment so I'm gonna be just a follower for the rest of  my life if I take
the offer now. Wordss are just words he said. If my boss can't prove anything to me in black and
white, or anything legitimate whatsoever, the safer road is always to go for what you have now
that can take you towards the future you want.

Lunchbox is like a haven of happiness in the enclave of reality. I mean, I really do enjoy working 
there, so much so that it starts to drive the stress away from my assignments. I feel more 
focused to do things and stuff because of the repetitive datelines. Like tonight, is assignment 
night, tomorrow, work, then class, work again, return home, dinner, assignment, work. It just....
makes you flow more efficiently lol. I know I'd be wasting a lot of time if I've got too much time at
hand. So this is a good thing. Though, CK mentioned that I need more time to improve on what I
lack thereof from the foundational art skills, and encouraged me to quit the job and place more
emphasis in my studies. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave Lunchbox yet. 

Although, Alex also mentioned that we don't have to take everything into account, and act 
according to our better judgement. Like for instance, he really disrespects Kinsun for being such
a great artist but a crappy lecturer, so much so that he completely filters of his bullshit during 
class, especially when he starts criticizing our works. He knows that guy can't teach for nuts and
is only continuously demoralizing us, so why bother feeling so bad about one stupid
assignment? Just do what I want, feel happy about it and screw him lah. As long as the 
assignments are still handed up in time finished, we should feel proud.

He asked me to find back that passion for me to draw, in which I already found again, thanks to
him, and he also made me feel good about myself again, after a very long time. Yeah.

So Osla, don't quit yeah. You'd better finish up this course damnit!

and here's mah wound. Wonder how long it'd take to heal though. That guy who hit me was 
very nice fortunately. He's even offering to pay for my bike and... uh, ok, he also offered me
a job lol, under AIA insurance. Not sure if I'm a big fan of MLM, but yeah. Regardless, TOA first!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

269/365 Perplexing

Very perplexing. To decide the turning point of my life here and now.
It feels suffocating somewhat, being in border between work and assignments,
and that's about all the time I have to think, during those times.

What do I wanna do? Of course I wanna draw. But am I good enough?
Am I driven enough to my own expactations? How committed am I to the
whole gist of turning myself into a good artist?

Can I survive the commercial industry? Who knows, only time will tell,
only when I'm finished with the course, then maybe I'd know. Where
my decisions have taken me and whether I've wasted my time here or not.

But I feel so happy working. It's so... rewarding. Even if it's just an
ordinary diner. It just feels great. But then, people kept asking me if
that's something I wanna do for the rest of my life.

What do I wanna do exactly? I want to draw, but I'm not good enough
to do it. Yet isn't a question. Do I want it?

Gyah, all these rhetorics are driving me nuts.
Whatever it is, I have to decide soon.
There's a price to pay for waiting too long.

Monday, September 27, 2010

268/365 Should I finish up my course or take my boss's offer?

Unfortunately for me, the decision lies on me and me alone.
So even if I asked for some friendly advice, I doubt it'd matter
at all since in the end it's up to me to decide. But now I'm on the
leaning side of sticking to TOA. Really gritting my teeth doing digital
assignments. I donno when the hell did they start being such a pain in the
ass, but man, they really are. And I thought owning a tablet was a great thing.
But now, maybe not so much. I've even replaced my first nib already. Well...
guess that can't be helped considering how brutal I was with the tablet and 
pen during my fiery moments. Good thing there was that board on top, if not
the surface of my tablet'd be dead by now. But I took it off already so... I donno,
is it just me or the pen nib really scratches the surface of the tablet? Dang...

Anyhow, some work for the day before class.

Refined. Like what my lecturer asked me to do.
If he still says it's unfinished... haiz. I'm gonna cuss like hell.

Third assignment for Ad Visual. It looks good to me. But
I'm pretty sure the lecturer's gonna shoot me a few here and there.
After all, they aren't our lecturers for nothing.

Remember I said I wanted to quit stuff?
Yeah.. I'm quitting... lets see, My Diva Doll,
computer games, any form, even Monopoly,
PS2, no I mustn't even DDR. If I wanna exercise,
there's always jogging, in which I'm gonna be sacrificing 
as well for the sake of maximizing the capacity of time
for myself to work and do assignments. Work times are
standard so my assignment times are of highest priority now.
So in a way, I'm maximizing my assignment time by minimalizing
everything else now. Includes breaks, eating, bathes. But not sleep.
Ample sleep is vital. 

Depending on my work flow, I might spend time playing
my trading cards, that's even provided that there's anyone I can play with.
Maaan.... and Bryan's still holding some of my cards. I'd better ping him to
give them to me. After all, he traded off a few cards and used his own money
to get my cards. So in a way, I owe him.

Gyah, don't understand why the tablet can collapse like PS.
So irritating. At least PS is not as irritating as AI, but PS layering
and undo button is such a pain in the ass when you already put the 
layers nicely and everytime you undo, it goes back to the previous layer.
Usually it's easy to solve the problem, but when you just missed that part
and did too many new strokes, you can't get it back to its original look,
so best thing to do for now is either avoid ctrl+z or make another extra
layer everytime I'm satisfied with some parts. C'mon Osla, don't screw up
anymore, you only have one outline to do left! Gogogogogo!

Anyways, yeah. This post is for.. well duh, today.
So I'll be posting again tomorrow, early or late, doesn't matter
for as long as I practice punctuality for dates.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

267/365 Possible Anti-Climax

Whatever it is, I won't take back whatever I said. It's not about what I should or shouldn't say
anymore whenever I'm here. It's about why I need to say these things. And I've already made
it a clear rule not to remove any of my posts for any reasons whatsoever. Seems here like
you have a pretty stubborn blogger. Oh well, at least I'm not the only one, I believe.

Yesterday, I almost, no, I completely screwed up my boss's catering job. We were lucky
the host was feeling generous and nice and handled the situation deftly. If not, we'd have lost
the job, and possible all the expenditure we've already given for the said work. But it wasn't a
good day at all yesterday. Got lost on the way to the place and back. Made a bad series of
unfortunate events trigger one after another. My boss insists on not blaming me, but he did
remind me very critically about such mistakes, 'cause it's not me who's gonna lose repu, he is.
Because it's his establishment that's on the line. Not me. I'm just another worker under his payroll.

Haiz, normally, after I read Google Maps once and wrote down the points, I'd be ok with the
directions. What made me screw up so badly this time? And to think that the printer wasn't
working properly in the office when we needed it most. Overconfidence may have driven me
off track this time. Very dangerous indeed.

Regardless, my boss has been very motivating and encouraging. I donno why but the things he say
always make more sense than anyone can tell me. Similar to something what Zen would type
about. If you read his post of consoling people, you can see that he makes a general approach,
but I'm pretty sure that post was directed to me, and possibly anyone else who feels the same way
I felt at that time. And he's right, consoling people is pretty hard. Without the right words and
moment, you'd end up creating a disastrous ending. Very bad stuff.

What my boss told me is like already drilled into my brain the moment he mentioned it. He said,
"when I do things, I do things right and when I say I do things right, I make sure I feel confident
that I can do it right, before saying I'm confident to do it right. But being confident isn't enough.
Being confident means preparing ahead every other possibility to make sure things go as
smoothly as possible. That's being confident."

Of course, though he had high hopes on me at the first place, this incident has bashed up his trust
in me pretty bad so I'm gonna have to start back from zero again. But whatever it is, I'm gonna
make sure I'm not gonna screw up again. Be it college, or anything else.

I'll follow those words up there somehow.
I must. If I can make a promise to myself to blog at least once a day,
why can't I do the same for anything else? Maybe the degree of difficulty for other
things are different. Blogging is pansy, provided you have a stable connection.

Everything else just takes up too much time sometimes.
Uh, I wanna quit. In certain things. Beginning now.
I'll give myself 2 days to adapt to the will to overcome.
If not, i'll keep on trying.

Having an aim to achieve and an intention to climb up the ladder huh?
Finding a way for myself to get headhunted by biggies eh?
I'll see just how far I can go.

When we're knocked down, we can choose whether or not we want to stand up again.
Thanks a lot Karate Kid. Your timing couldn't be better.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

266/365 A dead end?

Maybe. Just for me of course. But actually, beyond that dead lies an alternative exit.
Something I haven't noticed at all all these time due to the unerring focus I put in
my major ever since I stepped into the bounds of TOA.

But upon entering Lunchbox, everything just changed. I donno.
Same like when I first hit TOA. Only difference is, I'm reminded
of the worthless sack of flesh I always were in TOA. Average, mediocre,
or whatnot, name it.

I've kinda come to a conclusion that maybe art isn't for me to earn a living, but it's to live on
as a borderline passion of my dreams, in private silence and freedom where only I will be the
judge. After all. Being criticized all the time ain't fun, especially when you're not especially ready
to have it criticized.

Anywas, just as I thought my flare would spike again to do mah assignments, I've received a
very intriguing offer. An offer that hardly seems through in my reality. Do you know the feeling
of wanting someone to appreciate what you do all the time and be recognized even for just once?
Lets just say I got something like that. From my boss. He's offering me a full-time position, with
special training on food and beverages. Donno what he has in store for me, but I'm already very
interested in it, considering I've already lost all hope for art. Sure. I can draw. And that's about
that. I just can draw. Paint yeah. Colour yes. Who doesn't? Even 5 years-old children can do that.
But well enough, lets face the facts and stop bluffing myself. My major in Illustration isn't gonna
take me anywhere, and an offer to work an learn is something very hard to turn down.

Even if it's a mere RM1500 a month, it makes a hell lot of difference. What kinda difference? I'll
be having a certain kinda freedom in my life. The feeling of independence. Self-reliance. The
feeling of recognition. The feeling that tells me that I'm needed here.

I'm already on the verge of saying yes to him. But Kinsun that guy. I've gotta show him I've got
more than what he sees. Not only him. Everyone else in fact. I'll let this sem conclude my choice.
And maybe I'll let it extend till the following dawning eve. Just to be safe.

Food and beverages huh. I don't mind really. I kinda liked cooking anyways. Culinary had always
been one of my options. Anything to do with management sounds kinda nice, kudos to MayAnn and
Pinky for he pinpoints. And for most part, I just don't mind serving people. Even if they're extremely
hard to please. Compared to spending more than 36 hours on a piece trying to please yourself via
your lecturer as well just get a timebomb at it's end, I'd rather take 3 minutes of dissatisfaction and
cut myself loose off the unimportant thoughts and focus on what's. Even if it's just serving another
table, dropping a menu, reminding someone to not repeat intangible mistakes, giving a call across
the room, answering the phone, wiping the tables, making sure the tables are in line with their
alignments, sweep the floor, wipe the windows and doors, deliver the food. All these little bits make
me feel really satisfied. Compared to drawing one piece for 3 hours and feeling dreadful right after.

I've talked to my dad already. He's fully supporting me if I wanna change my course. But I think I
want to give myself a shot with my boss. Maybe along the way, I might be able to get my driving
license and catch up with, whatever. Life. What I've been missing all the time for as long as I've
walked the halls of TOA.

He acknowledges my writing skills, which i've still been maintaining to date thanks to my buddy'ol
blog over here. I could blog in BM, but pfft. Nah. I like English far too much. Though, BM is a very
fun medium to fiddle with ohohoh.

I think after reading this much, you'd probably be thinking I'm ok already. Well yeah, of course, the
mourning period for all my dead skin cells are over. I just need to turn over a new life, or splash cow
urine on my face, whichever works the least.

Bye. Gotta leave for work.

Friday, September 24, 2010

265/365 Not my first tme feeling numb.

Self bash post. Probably gonna annoy you. And y'know what, because I said this, I think you'd
probably read it till the last word of this post.

Continuing from where I left off yesterday, considering it's already the start of a new shitty day
and all. So I can put my mark on another blog post.

If being reminded about how much of a failure I am everyday isn't enough, why not just remind
myself I'm a failure every moment of every second? I'm starting to truly think that even when I
really just hang myself, people would see my body as a decoration and only notice that I'm dead
after 3 months, when they suddenly realize my blog became inactive, me not coming to class and
not picking up my cells and answering replies. I can't help it if people are oblivious.

It's interesting how I can vividly imagine how people'd react once I'm dead. People'd go,
"Hey, you know what happened to Osla right? Yeah, he went all emo and stuff and got
himself killed in the process. I mean, I can kinda get what he went through, but he didnn't,
have to go kill himself. Yeah, it's so stupid. throwing life away like that. He could at least
donate his whole body organs or something first. Or maybe let us conduct human guinea
pig experiments on him first before he left. Whatever lah. BTW, you finished your work?
Work? What work? I never heard about any work..."

Then I'll just be another insignificant piece in their memories.

Regardless, I just don't bloody get why I can't just get into the groove and start working.
Is it the atmosphere? My house? The way I was brought up? My peer influences?
I'm always so sick about not being able to just do my work. But in reality, I'm not
even doing much about it. Perhaps maybe I can't do much. I've been trying for a year
and a half. Wait, not trying, striving to improve for the past year. And look at where I'm at.

When I get home, the sight of the tv distracts me. No matter how much I want it away or
smashed outta my sight, I have to tolerate it being there. Because my family is here. I'm
practically using my family as the basis of my suffering now, for putting me in this intangible
situation that sees no end. I must have mentioned millions of times before about how much
I want to just leave this house so badly. Because I can never find the mood to work in this
place. Is it wrong to be in a really comfortable home? Is it wrong to tolerate others at the
sacrifice of yourself? Whatever I say, the only mistake I see, and probably what others would
see here is me.

Funny you know. I told something serious to C. And she just gave a laughing end at it and I
was just speechless. What was I expecting? I donno. I just donno anymore. I should've known
she'd react like that. But whatever it is, I already promised not to hide anything from her. So
I sent her that message. While she was laughing, I was crying. Oh well, so much for being
honest when nobody even believes you in the first place.

And I said my peers have an influence on me correct? Hell yeah they do. In making me feel
lazy and sloppy and be the most carefree thing in the whole fucked up world. And then there's
the lecturer. Who rubs salt into my eyes and drill all this artists mumbo jumbo in my head.
I'm bad. I need tom improve. Spend more time. This. That. I am. You just don't see it.
Or maybe I'm never seen.

Who am I to follow? My friends who seem like they care but honestly speaking, I think they
pretty much just care about their own life. My lecturers won't be there for me all the time.
But they're right when they tell me that they're doing it so that I can be a successful independant
artist. And that's the thing. Am I really independant by the way? No I'm not. Whatever it is,
if your mom still cooks for you, and you still don't earn your own money, you're not independant.
Heck, I even let my mom wash my clothes.

Just when will I ever be able to break free? From what? From ALL THIS. This shits around
me that're dragging me down everyday. I want to be considerate. I'm tolerating everything.
And that's probably why I can't do much about my life. I'm sucking whatever everyone tells
me or makes me do that I practically have no more say in my life at all. Just enduring. Staying
patient and let myself get fucked through all over again and again. A ruthless cycle to go through.
Or should I blame karma? I think blaming anything won't help at all since I already know the
problem has been me and always me.

Even today, I was tempted to just tell Sleepy that I wanted to go home immediately, but out of
consideration, for the others around, I chose not to cause a scene. Let them do what I want. and be
a background character. I could have just chosen to walk back home. Could've been home much
more earlier. Doesn't matter if I had to walk with my illustration board with my pail of paint and
brushes for 45 minutes. I've done worse anyways. Why do I always have to give people what they
want? What about what I want? Oh right. Nobody cares right? Maybe C does. But she can't
really do much being 50 km away from now can she? It's not like she's a bad person, or a bad
girlfriend. Just that I'm a fucked up person y'know. So I think everything is fucked up now.

I'll describe a typical weekday in my life. I wake up. I get ready to college. I show my lecturer
the best I could do with what little time I had. Then they say the best means with research and
everything. Which is clearly not what I did. I'd feel down inside. But just to make sure the other
people don't blabber about me walking corpse of sadness, I shrug what disappointment I have
look forward. Then I see everyone. EVERYONE, lazing about. I start to get distracted. I wonder
what they're doing. They laze and still get good results. They seem happy. When I talk to them,
one of them realizes I just got hit hard. Tells me not to get all emo. Which is pretty stupid
because even if I want to be emo. They won't let me. When I do get emo, I can never show it out.
Whenever I do, people would start saying all these useless bullshit about keeping it cool and
whatnot. They say it like it's the easiest thing to do. For them. For me, it's different. I've been
doing it all my life and frankly speaking, I'm never truly happy. I can't tell people what I want.
I can't make people hear me. When I want them to, they won't. When I don't want them to,
suddenly the whole world changes into a huge sympathizing lot.

You know how people eye those beggars around Pasar Seni? Yeah, I get that same look.
Just with a more provoking silence that's focused and magnified.

It's really frustrating? Oh right. Sure. You won't get it. You aren't me anyways.
Who am I kidding? How can anyone ever understand what I feel when he or she's
not even me? They won't see what I see, think what I think and feel what I feel.
You wanna switch bodies? Sure. Just don't blame me if I screw up your side of
your life when I'm in yours, because I did a pretty amazing job with my own's.

For all I know, this post would be read just like any other post. Then whoever it is
would just say in his head, "owh, another emo post." Skip 90% of the contents and
consider it read. And never think about it anymore.

Or maybe someone who reads it thoroughly. Thinks they know what I'm going through.
Gives me great advice. No, I'm sure it's great advice. If its advice, it's definitely great.
Even if its a load of crap sometimes. Make it all the time. And it's funny when I see the
exact thoughts in my head reprinted in whatever that advice is giving.

How do I feel now? I feel like I've got two options.

Dread the fuck through TOA in the following 6 more sems, or I can just call it quits,
save my fucking time and spend them on something more worthwhile. Money spent
won't return, and the PTPTN loan still needs a payback. But you know, screw everything.

I can't let my life be bounded by this miniscule insignificants.
So what's my call?
(repeated end)

What I wanna do in my life huh? That's the thing. I donno. I have ideas. But I donno.
Not even sure where to start. Oh there, there's a start. I can quit TOA, or do my assignment
in vain knowing that it's gonna be another unsatisfied work anyways. How will I ever be
satisfied? I have no idea. Maybe I ought to talk to my parents. Seeing that I can't solve this
alone, I've been enduring for 18 years of my life anyways. Talking to my friends clearly won't
help me solve anything at all. And my parents owe me helluva lot, in which I'm sure you'd know
if you read some of my older posts, which noone has ever did anyways. Maybe just one person.
Or maybe he didn't at all. But technically, I owe my parents even more since they fed me and gave
me shelter, but ignored my mental development all the way, expecting me to be independent even
when I was only 3 years old, barely able to think about how I'm able to wash my own ass after
caking time. You think that's fair? Pfft, I don't even know what's fair anymore. Me wanting to
improve, and people seeing that I want to improve but tell me not to take it too seriously, as
though telling me straight in the face that no matter how much more effort I put in. the result will
still end up the same. So have as much as fun as you can along the way. In which I've been doing
all this time, always heavily influenced by what they say. But its the fun really worth it?

It's so easy. To just let go. But in the end of the day, it's hardest when you're facing with your
own feelings and emotions. And people who actually expect better from you. Friends are friends.
Good or bad, doesn't matter anymore. Because in the end, it's my own call. It's my fault for
choosing the wrong influences. Even if sometimes they're just joking about. I just hear them.

What kinda person I am? I know this one thing. I do things on the spot. If you're gonna get me
to go home and do it, in which is the hardest thing for me to do since I can never get any work
done at home, then expect unsatisfactory results. Unless if you can really motivate me to get
into my worm immediately. Not later. Immediately. Like now. This instant. Skip lunch, sleep,
whatever it is. Just make me do something. And I'd start working on it. Seems as though I need
people to push me around so that my gears would go on normally. If not, they'd stop until
someone activates it for me. It makes me feel really useless you know?

Thursday, September 23, 2010

264/365 Dumped It

My acrylic painting earlier? Forget it ever existed. I bent it with my foot and dumped it into
the rubbish bin. Reason? Lots of them. Lets just say its one damn poor piece that made the
lecturer gave me comments so hard that it amde my body suffocate for a moment and tears
roll down my face against my will.

And I thought inly Marion could do that to me.
Well, thanks a lot Kinsun. You're probably the best anyways.

I'm not the kinda who uses swears all the time but y'know fuck it man.
I have a really fucked up life. And I don't think anyone realized this at all.
Including myself. Till a few hours back.

Whatever man. I gave my best and the result turns out like shit.
I'm really beginning to feel that maybe art ain't my calling anymore.
And the funny part is, ever since I've been working at Lunchbox,
I've been more manageable with my work. Smile more often too.
And I just can't help but feel that maybe I really do belong in hospitality.

Howdafuck do i know about that? It's easy. For some stupid unknown reason,
I just take pleasure in serving people and tending to their needs and when the
look of satisfaction wrings at their expression, I feel great.

In TOA, I'm hammered all the time, about how pathetic I am with this and that.
My lines aren't confident enough, or poor composition. Maybe crappy finishing.
Unfinished work. Too transparent. Not spending enough time. Dirty colours.
Too many excuses when sometimes I'm just trying to explain what happened.
How do I feel now? I feel like I've got two options.

Dread the fuck through TOA in the following 6 more sems, or I can just call it quits,
save my fucking time and spend them on something more worthwhile. Money spent
won't return, and the PTPTN loan still needs a payback. But you know, screw everything.

I can't let my life be bounded by this miniscule insignificants.
So what's my call?

I'm thinking.
Now, I need my sleep.
That decision can come later.

263/365 Acrylic~

Whatever man. For now, I'm just glad I managed to sit through the sleepless night and
finish up whatever may seem to be 70% of the painting. It looks screwed up but meh.
I'm too tired to care and Sleepy's coming in just a bit.

Anyways. While I still can. My progress photos...

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

262/365 Ok, Visual done.

Gonna do my gasso now.

Oh damn, my work starts at 11am.
Gyah whaddado? They can't get anyone this Wed.
I'm the only poor buggar so... oh well.

Just wondering how the cuss am I to finish 70% of acrylic in probably less than 12 hours.


Anyways. My work today, I mean yesterday.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

261/365 Whewwww

Done with my figures. Now can begin with my acrylic. :D

Though, I still have that other digital painting to do. Zzzz. Haiz
Donnolah, see how. I'm not even sure if I can finish my 70% of acrylic
by the dawn of Thursday. And there's CK's critic session, in which he
insists on Thursday no matter what. So...

Anyways. These few days have been kinda productive.
I'm practically sleeping with my own work now lol XD

And uh, CK mentioned something that kinda hit me in the head.
"See? When you draw that time ah, damn fun one. Slowly do until look nice."

Fun. Fun... Fun. In assignments? Has been a long time since I've felt like that.
Last I had that feeling was when I was doing my CCD first assignment.

Then it sorta disappeared and the urgency for datelines took over.
Kinda sucks to be a commercial artist sometimes.

kk, short post for yesterday

Monday, September 20, 2010

260/365 Beatles anyone?

Man, I'm like doing assignments and still not finished but the songs from The Beatles just never
cease to fascinate me XD Kudos to Jacob for the whole set of cd albums. It's been a very yummy
experience for me ears and owh, I'm still listening to it as I blog :D

It's funny how Beatles are just so original with the way they sway with their music. And I noticed one
really cool thing about them. I have albums from 1960 all the way to their latest ones and I find that
their music keeps on improving with the increasing years. And that, hahah, is just very fascinating
to me lol.

I mean, we all hear about deteriorating artists from time to time. Like for Zen, he thinks YUI is sorta
losing her knack for good muse now, since well, I donno, her songs now are a little bland? I haven't
listened to most of her new stuff yet so it's hard for me to say.

Also, Sushi King's having a dine-in challenge ongoing right now till the end of September. I'm not
really sure of the details, but if you can finish 5 bowls of ramen in 10 minutes, you get to walk out
your meal for free. Pretty cool if you ask me. I mean, we could like just prolly starve ourselves to
death before we go and the minutes we so those bowls of noodle goodness, we'll chow in faster
than lightning can strike due to the huge appetite caused by insatiable hunger ohohohoho.

Anyways, it's been a while since I've posted my work here, so I shall, later on at the end of the post.
Oh yeah, I kinda forgot to blog about this last Friday. Sleepy and Jake hooked me up to follow them
on their fascinating discovery to Popular to only find ourselves craving for Chocolate Milkshake(s)
from Tony Roma's. Yes, the Tony Roma's. The excursion there seems a bit of a waste to me to
them as they finished a cup of RM8 goodness in practically less than 2 minutes. Mm.. I mean, yeah,
it's your drink, how fast you wanna drink it, it's up to you man but... er... after tax and everything, that
cup totals up to 2 days of lunch. So... Anyways, aside from the complimentary bread we had in
which we feared consuming at first due to the impression that we'd be charged for eating it, but
since good'ol Jake asked one of the nice waitresses down there, we decided to split the free
bounty. But I ate most of them since they both were still full from their visit to Chola. And they had
meat when I hadn't so... I guess mine digested a bit faster compared to theirs?

Oh yeah, try looking up for Van D.Cell. He's a featured artist from Imagine FX and How to Draw
Manga books. He's got amazing works, almost comparable to that of Drew Struzans. Of course,
I don't think he can beat that brutal legend yet but his skills in digital painting is just amazing. Too
bad his manga faces look a bit... uh, over-realistic. They don't give of the same feel that real Jap
artist do when they draw manga. But when I look at his style, I get reminded of Last Exile's Range
Murata. You'll know when you look up for Imagine FX covers. I believe it was the one for last year
or 2 years back.

Anyways, here's my work?

Err.. I think you guyz can tell which is the original and which is mine. Well, there you go Dan Milligan.
Our lecturers at TOA simply worship your AD work concepts. But meh... I think I'm still too rusty.

Bah, whatever, I got an outline to finish and I've gotta wake up for work tomorrow morning! :D
K, sayonara peeps.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

259/365 Mm, didn;t really do much today. Zzz

Yeah. And dang, I've still got lotsa stuff to catch up on.

Anyway, gonna see C later, so better get some rest for now ^^

Saturday, September 18, 2010

258/365 Kay Tze's birthday!

Yes. Very fun indeed. Lotsa nice food, great crowd and haha, Stef and Sam asked me about how
C and I got together. I already explained to them, so I'm a bit lazy to explain even more over here XP.

Oh, but Yihao's story is interesting. His new girlfriend after Stef. They were in quite the awkward
position of things XD They were initially primary schoomates who lost contact. Then a fateful
meeting with a friend allowed him the opportunity to ask that friend for her number. And so he
did, they got reconnected and started talking to each other off and on. His best record for talking
would be.. 6 hours I believe? That's what he said though. Lol, he even spent like RM30 of his credit
for that call. I mean, geez man, if you can talk to anyone at all for like 6 hours, that must just plainly
mean that the two of you have a great chemistry together. I mean, even my longest call with C was
at most like 2 hours +? Man that kinda matchmake only comes once in a lifetime man. If you leave
it, you'd definitely regret it.

Well, he finally found a day to tell it to straight to her to be his girlfriend. But she asked him to wait for 10 days and ask again. And so he did wait, but along the way.... Like 7th or 8th day liddat, they
had this cosmic argument amongst themselves and it seemed difficult to quell. Yihao thinking about
it makes him worried about how he's ever going to be able to ask her the question again when he
could, but after the argument, a long argument to that, it's probably even difficult to express it well
enough considering the tension that broke out between them. But meh, all's good.

He heard the first answer wrongly and thought he got rejected and felt emoish and stuff. Then the
girl reconfirmed with him and told him again that she never said no to him. So that means it's a yes
of course! :D Funny how things just come together sometimes. But meh, that's the mystery of this
world isn't it?

Anyways, kinda sleepy now, so twinkies for today.

Friday, September 17, 2010

257/365 Anniversary?

Yeah shit, I completely lost a few hours there :(
Oh well, I guess that's usually what'd happen if
you start dreaming good dreams as your day
ended unexpectedly well after a good solid 9
hours of bonding time with the person you love
endearingly. And I wouldn't trade those moments
for anything else. But hmm.. maybe a PS3? XD

Nah, if can, I want more time for C. She's about
everything that makes me a happy men all these
while and thinking of the fact that I have her in
my life just make me get all cocky and boasting
about how lucky and fortunate I am to have such a
supportive loving partner like her, despite our early tribulations and her parental denial to our
relationship, which has already lasted for 1 a year + 1 day. Yealah yealah, I was what, 2 hours +
late? OKOK, I geddit. Geez. Hey, at least I'm still posting ok. P:

Yeap, it's exactly what you think it is. She came over to my house earlier today.^^ But I'm gonna
say yesterday since it's already past 12am. Yeah yeah, I'm confusing you. My bad, but not my prob
though XP. Got my dad to pick her up in the morning and voila, I was able to interact with her one
whole day and was able to have a glimpse of what it'd be like to have a beauty like her living side
by side with me in the same house knowing that she feels the same way I feel about her.

Makes me a little less worried about the future y'know. Which is a great thing :D She left sometime
after 4.40pm, but purposely skipped a few trains at the LRT station after I walked her there just to
get some extra talktime with me face to face. Heh, isn't she just so adorable?

But the night before, she kinda got scolded by her mom. But when I asked her whether it was worth
the fire from her mom to be able to get a few extra moments with me, she non-hesitantly gave me
an immediate yes from her soft mouth filled with a sweet voice inside. Nah... sorraeh. I skipped
kissing. Twice. Well, I'm sick and it'd really suck if she got it since, pfft, aiyo, I'm already sick and
I feel this bad lah. Imagine what a sweet feeblish girl like her would be like that if she were to
contract my illnesses. Nothing much la, just some bloody annoying sinus and my phlegm-filled
cough, in which I did contract to her sometime last year I think, when I warned her about it and
we still kissed anyways. Ended up two poor people being sick than just one unfortunate buggar.

I mean, yeah, couples are supposed to go through stuff together but what, suffering an illness
together? Wow, you can just feel the romantic atmosphere huh?

I felt sorta happy being able to introduce Magic to her. Since that card game is playing quite a
major part in my life now, for reasons such as making me more motivated, helped me with being
a more active socialite, dealing with new people, budget exercising, careful planning, holding out
gaming relations and last but not least, giving me the kick to do more artwork since, well, if you
don't know already, Magic The Gathering has got some great illustrations in the cards they have.
You all do know I'm in Illustration major right? So collecting this cards sorta gives me an edge on
fantasy-like subjects, since I have a hard and touchable reference that I really own myself.

Why sorta and not really happy? Haha, like all teachers teaching newbies how to play chess, which
might be confusing to freshies, yeah, I think you get the idea of frustration here. But comparing the
feeling of little frustration with the feeling of hearing C say that "Magic's not bad actually," and that
just purely made my day. Last time, when I was teaching my lil'bro, he always gave up half-way and
never had the real initiative to learn about the whole gaming process. He's not to be blamed for it
though since I went in pretty hard on him about the game. And it wasn't very different from me
teaching C all the terms and regulations of the game. Only difference is that I know her heart is
open to it and she'd learn all she can from it. And that just makes all the difference. So to C...
Sorry for raising my voice a few times back there. I kinda noticed it when I went to get some water
to drink for myself after a quick break from the game and I told myself to refrain from being so...
over-reactive. Hm, I guess I must really love the game to get so worked up about it.

But the fact that I could play the game I love with the person I love. Now, that's something I love even
more :D Hmm, wonder if I can get her to apprehend all the rules and start to play with me like all
other experienced players do. I won't call myself a pro yet since I know I'm not. So I guess an
amateur status for me would do. Not like I've got too much money to spend anyways on the cards.
After all, the better ones, the rares, are as costy as hell. And when I say costie, I mean like you can
practically spend the same amount of money having fun at a club or ordering a 7 set Chinese dish
set with Shark Fin Soup in order to just get one card. YES, it's that epic, since certain rares and
get it's price all soared up to the extent that it costs RM150 a pop. If you're into a bit of money
making, Magic might be a good investment. XD Not doing so well in selling cards though, 'cause
you've to buy a booster box and stuff, which is also expensive, but meh, I think spending RM320
for a booster box filled with 36 boosters with each booster having 15 card, namely 1 rare, 4
uncommons and 10 commons, with the chance of getting that RM150 cad, I think paying for the
box is a pretty good investment if you ask me. You'd definitely get about at least 4 copies for each
common card so you're gonna have a whole library of arsenal spell cards to choose from and build
your deck and stuff. Pretty nifty eh? 36 Rares might not seem like much, but that's a tremendous
amount of good cards if you ask me. Though, rather than having a copy of whatever rare I can get
from a box, I would undoubtedly prefer all different cards since different rares have different pricings
and if I got a rare that costed cheap and seems just about useless for my deck, and get another
copy of it, I'd be dead straight unlucky wouldn't I?

Ok, nevermind, lets just focus on the anniversary ok? XD If you think me being an RO fanatic is bad,
wait till you see me with Magic lol. I think the enthusiasm and passion I have for the game is just
about the same. Only difference is that I always get frustrated with RO due to laggy connection
speed and always concluding with me dying and losing tons of hard-earned exp and well... feeling
sad of course.

So... what did we do aside from playing Magic? Hmm... ok, we had lunch together with my mom's
home-cooked delish stuff. Yum yum. Oh yeah, we went through my old photo albums so she saw
the young baby me and stuff. Funny how I could see memories presented in front of me but I don't
remember much of them. Some really stuck inside my head. But there's likewise for the other
portion of the photos. It's still weird knowing the fact that some things just stay in your head
whereas there's all stuff that disappear into nothingness. Our brain sure is a complex mechanism.

After that... we cuddled a bit while viewing the album. Oh wait, I forgot to mention that we made
cake together today. We didn't even have to bake it. Just had to mix, chill and serve. No really,
it's true. Just get 450g of Marina biscuits, crush them up fine or crunchy, however it is you prefer,
450g of Milo powder, about 100g of ground nuts, roasted and peeled, a can of condensed milk
and a full block of butter. Mix it well and you'd get a really nice treat to munch on after chilling it
in the freezer for about 15 minutes? After that 15 minutes, you can move it into the normal fridge
compartment where you keep all your other stuff that needs not to be kept frozen.

I'll bring some to college next time. Maybe y'all can try XD

And oh, I got an sms from my boss just now. Sad. I just woke up an hour + ago so... Hm, regardless,
he was asking if I could work tomorrow (I mean today actually) but tomorrow's actually not a good
time since I'll be having my critic session with Choon Kiat for my Advertising Visual at the IL
department and if I were to work, at best I can only come from 2-5.30pm since after that, I need
to leave and hitch a ride with Yihao to go to my senior's birthday party, in which she's asked me to
go since like 2 months ago. And speaking of parties, I haven't gotten her any gifts yet, so more
reasons for me to leave at 5 or 5.30pm so that I could get her a nice present wrapped in awesome
goodness during her birthday. Oh wait... maybe I can give her some of my cake?? Oh yeah, that'd
kinda work I guess. But then, it needs to be kept refrigerated. Hmm.. how ah? Ask boss if I can
borrow some space in his fridge? Lol.

Yealor, liddat lah. She's been trying to get me to come so long dy. So it'd be really unfair to her if I
just decide to not come after her coming this far to invite me. After all, she only invites certain
people, and if you're on the list, just know that she appreciates the friendship you share together
and she appreciates having friends like you around in her life. Being acknowledged by a friend as
a good friend is one of the best honours you can ever achieve in a lifetime dontcha think? Since
in the future, if there's anyone you're gonna be asking for help from later, it's them you'll be turning
to, besides family of couse. So yeah, friendship counts. ^^

But the highest appreciation of all? I guess nothing beats the feeling of being able to be
comfortable with that one person all the time and being able to just be who you really are
in front of her without her ever needing to judge you and stuff and accepts everything that
makes you what you are. And that feeling is at its peak when the other also knows that
you're doing the same for her. Love is a very beautiful think. Ok, I'm still uncertain of what
love really is since the terms discussed about love is ultimately complex. So whatever it
is, the thing I have now with C, doesn't matter if it isn't what people call love. I'm happy,
she's happy, we're both satisfied with being able to be with each other, we long for one
another, exchange loving messages, express our misses and concerns, debate on
random issues and for most part, who says you need to meet a person everyday to
get closer to her? If you think that way, it's up to you, but I beg to differ of course since
getting closer to someone isn't all about being in touch physically, but more on the mental
and spiritual side of it. Once you acknowledge that person as a priority, your mind will
begin thinking of that person on its own, and when you do, you feel that special
unexplainable feeling around your chest, something alike to fondness and a slight
tinge of addictive happiness that you want to feel even more. Oh, I felt that of course.
And the crave for more of the feeling never stops. But I've experienced the heightened
level of that feeling during our first kiss. So I guess that's more than sufficient for me :)

What happens if you don't manage to get that happiness? Well, some might feel indifferent, like me
XD but some might break down and fall into depression, also like me :( I mean, that depression
part is long gone. But the residues of it still haunt my life till this very day. So yeah, next time if you
start a family and have kids, make sure to look out for symptoms of depressions. Whatever it is, if
you see your child feeling sad, you'd better do something about it. Because if you don't, it might just
ruin their growth and mental development. My parents never really did anything for me and pushed
me to the oceans filled with sharks and expected me to swim out safe from it when I didn't even
know how the waters felt like in the first place. So please don't repeat that stupid mistakes with
your children? If you do, i'm so gonna go in front of you and nag at you, even if you're gonna get
irritated by me. XD Well, if I found out of course. Heh.

Anyhow, I tertidur again. Lol. Kk.. I wanna do some work? YEAP! :D