Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Today, I mean yesterday, like Monday, k, I uh, worked? Lol. Fell asleep while studying after putting my head down the pillow. Meh. Anyhow.

Gonna be trying my best not to sleep past 2am anymore. It's not because of whatever, just for health reasons. Most preferable if I could sleep before 12am. Wake up earlier and stuff y'know. I guess that'd be nice for a change. ^^

No, I haven't told my bosses directly my immediate plan to quit yet. What I'm thinking? Hm, I want to quit in two weeks time, meaning next Sat will be my last day. At least two weeks would give me a decent amount of time to prepare myself before facing Kinsun head on again. Results is nowhere to be seen for now, so I can just skip that part completely.

I'm not sure if anyone has finished their sketchbook project yet for Leo's class next sem. I know I won't be attending. Ok fine, I know there's a high possibility that I wouldn't be in that class, due to my own individualistic egoistic reasons lol. So yeah. Just Kinsun. Nice to see him again. I guess. Oh well, at least Soh Ling's there. But we can all bet that Lam Mei is already like lightyears ahead of us in terms of the progress I think. Heh.

Kem Lagong huh. Not going. I have JLPT on Sunday. I have to study. So. Yeah. Looks like I won't be befriending any leeches anytime soon or shit on soil forested by tress. :D

Oh, I'mma thinking of bringing my laptop to work tomorrow, uh I mean today! It's Tuesday already right? I worked from 10am-9pm today of course. Did a few mistakes again. But nothing too dire to make a huge wreck I guess. Wait, what am I saying? Am I saying I'm ok with making a mess out of a job? Heeeeeeeeey!

Hmm... So many regrets that I shouldn't be having. Maybe taking a few months off would really have an impact. But man, it's hard to say. I mean, if I never enrolled in January, I wouldn't be a lot of things today if it weren't for that decision. So yeah, I'm just gonna leave that be for now.

Ok, I think I'm starting run outta crap to say now.

Have a nice day!


Monday, November 29, 2010

330/365 K Time to Like, Ikimasu.

Ikimasu. Go?


Anyhow, I have exactly one week to study Jap. But I'll be working every night. So, I guess I'll stay up till 2pm every night or until I sleep, whichever comes first for the next 6 days, including today. Sat will be my last day to do whatever refreshers I need to do. So yeah.

Everything into consideration, including dinner times and all, I'd have about 4 hours to study, that's even if I start at 10pm. Maybe I should stay up for as long my eyes would take me? Hmm... Hmm.. Oh well, see what goes.

Ca va. Was it? Haha, french for what goes.

As for RO.. what to do. I already paid 60 for my exam already. So skip RO first la. Even if there's a 150% exp event going? Aiyo, don't bother la. Money pay d, sure have to sit la!

Oh, I just realized, in Renewal, equipping shields decreases your ASPD by about 5. That sorta... sux. But it's not so bad too since shields have very high def now. So it ain't used for nuts.

Anyways, today, I had a very long day at duty, till about 4.30. Thank goodness it ended early, but I still missed the tournament for Magic today. Agh, kinda sucks when you have priorities to consider. But that gives life a bit more meaning no? Yesss!

After meet, went to KL Sentral together with Clem to like go fetch his friend from Melbourne who unexpectedly arrived 2 hours later until we had so much time in our hands to chat. I managed to end C's worries with whatever time I had to talk to her. She really worries too much sometimes XD

But lets just get the point straight here. Ok, all you readers out there. I believe I've mentioned here that whatever I post here is just purely truth form honesty, correct? Yes, that is truth. But you must know that sometimes whatever I say in the blog may not apply directly to me, even if it's some really stuck up depressing rant about life all harboured for centuries and blown up in a day. Like lets say, today I say I'm depressed. Tomorrow I might be happy. Then I'd be sad again. Or get really pissed. Yet, maybe my day went well.

Things I say don't last. The records do. Just not the situation. Whatever it is I say here, it's from the mind, and the heart. But it's not the blog that dictates my life. They are merely facts I know in life. So instead, it is I, the author who dictates the direction of this blog. Not the other way around.

Well, if I did worry any of you, thanks for your concern, but think about it, aren't there far greater things to worry about? How about... yourself? D: If ya wanna worry about anything, at least worry for yourself. Yourself deserves more love from... uh, yourself. Heh.

So, if you get pissed or offended in any way whatsoever, I strongly urge you to be a bit more carefree and take this as just another post that you wanna consider reading during your free happy times. Yes, happy times. Like, if you see someone sad, just laugh it off at how silly things are for that person la. Why get worried instead? Doesn't that sours up your life, wastes your time and lowers your productivity and efficiency? So why bother? Things online, take them leisurely, not seriously. You wanna know serious things, then why do it online when you can personally see the seriousness of whatever serious stuff it was upfront in person? Won't that make things really matter then?

Think about it. Just a suggestion. I always do that for other blogs anyways. Since I'm like, heck, why even bother getting irritated by blogs anyways? If I find unnecessary walls of text which are poorly written and stuff, even after telling the person in a nice way that his grammar kinda sucks and use a lot of refinement, I just skip through all the insignificant parts and search for interesting parts to read. Of course, I left that advice months ago, so since I've already waited so long, since he's still changing, but at a fairly turtlish pace, I guess I don't put my hopes up too much. It's not my problem anyways if he has poor command with his compositions. I already did my part by letting him know. So it's all up to him now if he wants to make things better for himself. And then, if I feel like it, I just comment on those interesting parts. Like if I liked it or whatever. Or if there are any other thoughts I wanna share with him, then yaddadadad and done.

Blogs in the end are just blogs. Blogs can be about people, but they aren't people. And they can never be. Things that are not to be taken lightly are the people you know around you, the ones in physical form. Not the ones you only read and know by reading. You can't always trust 100% information to be accurate right? Yes, I'm trying to contradict the honesty I display in my words. But everyone has to do some self-research by oneself sometimes right? Since information changes practically almost everyday. Well, for those variables that can be changed of course.

Still, I never said everlasting friendship can't occur online P:

You've gotta admit that the invention of the internet is pretty awesome. But our life isn't in here. It's waiting for you to just step outside and just breathe the fresh smoky air. Dontcha think so? Well, listen to the guy who had to wait in at home for a week outingless just to make sure recuperation paces up. Lolololol.

I think I should end my blog more often with this;

 Have a Nice Day! 

Sunday, November 28, 2010

329/365 Yesterday, Today, doesn't matter.

But yeah, this post right now is for Saturday. K

It's been like 2 weeks since I last used my bike and when I did, after the journey, man, my thighs were aching like they were about to crack, so much so that I could barely crouch. Ugh. They feel so damn hard too. But I guess it's normal. I mean, when you're in a routine, you don't, really feel it so much. After you get a long break from the routine, just when the body is about to adjust to a new set of changes, we force it to change again. SO... it's normal. Perfectly normal. I think.

Worked from 8am to 3pm today. Glad I didn't screw anything up today, especially for the catering in which my boss sorta had a thought that they'd never contact us again, but I guess our food were just that great huh? Heh.

On the way back, we took a long and draggily unnecessary reroute to get to the nearest petrol station which turns out to be more than a 7km journey. Lawls. Well, it was because we went there with two cars and the car behind was running outta fuel. Like less than a quarter. Kinda miraculous that it managed to survive the journey before it finally got to a petrol station pit stop.

I told my boss that I was planning to quit sometime in January. He told me if I was gonna quit, better let him know much earlier. But yeah, at least I told him already right?

I guess I should put full focus on my studies first. Wait, I mean, I must put full focus on my studies first. I came this far already. It's too late to turn back now, neither it is the time to just let go after months and hours of frustratingly painsticking hardwork.

Oh yeah, my bro bought 6 Magic 2011 Boster Boxes lol.
Anyhow, when I wake up, I'll be heading to Clement's place. I have a public duty to attend, and a long chat with C. I hope.

Friday, November 26, 2010

328/365 JLPT Is Coming!

Japanese Language Proficiency Test. Yes, you heard that right! I'll be sitting it on the 4th of December, Sunday.

Here here, see mah test voucher! :D

Yeah... Anyhow, there's a change of venue so...

Dear Candidate,

We would like to inform that the JLPT Kuala Lumpur Test Site’s Venue is changed



Kindly check our website: www.jlsm.org for the location map.

We sincerely apologize for the inconvenience caused.

Yours sincerely,
2010 JLPT Test Administrator

No problem on my side. KL is anytime nearer than Serdang lol XD

So Zen... even if you ain't sitting for it, help me study by commenting on my future... er, discoveries lol. Rozen, well... if you even follow mah blog lol P:

K, time to go back studying. For now, it's refreshing hira and kata.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

327/365 Moving Forward

Somewhat quick with my previous post out like just 2 hours back right? Yeap. Since it's already Thursday, I see no harm in pushing this post forward.

Maybe I've been having a wrong perception in life for a very long time. There was once, for a period, I recall some very clear thoughts of happiness, and I was only reminded of it by my dad just a while ago. We talked about certain things. And... I guess it really helped. 

Maybe it's time to let go.

This blog is here for the world to see. So... you shall witness who I am to be.
Everyday is a learning process. But my father reminded me with this one key.
He only asked me if... I was moving forward.
Am I? Are you?

Time to do something. Begins... now.

I know this is funny. But.. have you ever wonder how it is possible to think, by not thinking?
I think I've mentioned before that sometimes things just flow from my mind. Like.. now. I don't have to think, and they just come like my fingers are thinking on their own, knowing what I want to say all the time. 

It's really.... of, and fascinating in a nice way. Well, just some food for thought I guess.

326/365 Time to Start Thinking Again.

I guess.

Well, I said I'd be going to driving school since Monday but here I am, still not even close to there. I'm gonna get the money from mah dad later. Hopefully. If not, I can never get it anymore since I'm gonna work already beginning tomorrow. Uh, I mean Friday.

That thing I wanted to do, I realized that had no confidence whatsoever in it for some reason. So even when I wanted to alter it, my mood kinda went off and you have my trial practice, as seen in yesterday. It did somewhat  return some confidence back, but when C told me that drawing guyz would be much more of my forte, lets just say it dropped to ground zero. I mean, she's not even an art student, and if she's saying that, that means something wrong somewhere and I don't think I've realized it yet.

Art industry, art industry. Do I want to live my life with you? Well, to be truthfully speaking, I read Storyboard Central this few days and I can't help but think how rough it can be to live life as an artist with all the economical turmoil. Sure, it's not exactly penetrating to our country, but hey guyz, didn't Kinsun say that only 3 companies for Commercial Illustration are still surviving in Malaysia? Truth or not, that's the only info I have and I've yet to do any research on it, so you can dive deeper yourself if you want to. As for me, I've got my own concerns to worry about. Primarily, if I could even graduate TOA.

Well, the transcripts aren't out yet. I donno my results yet. There still might be a tiny glinter of hope that I might pass Illustration 2. But I don't think lying to myself is such a good idea. So lets just accept the circumstances I have with it now. Have I done anything much up to today? Answer is. No. I don't think so. I'm just so broken between wanting to lead a normal life, and wanting to do something great. A normal life without worries is enough bliss for me. Living with meaning isn't a bad thing at all. Can't I do both? Yeah, which is something C would definitely not approve.

What's holding me back? It's funny how much I can get attached to a game like RO. I mean, it's just a game right? It's not human or anything. Not something worth wasting too much time on anyways. But it's just giving me more and more unfinished things. More unfulfilled things. Things I've been wanting to do since I was 12, and left unfinished because I have to pursue a greater cause and whatnot. People keep on telling me, do this first, other later, do that first, others later, and I followed like how a dumb mule would follow a human holding out a hand with corn grain. What did I get? Well, I get other things, but not the things I want.

Why must it be that way? Why can't I just finish up what I want to do first, and set my journey later? Well, I think we all know that human needs are almost infinite. So I'm guessing that it wouldn't suffice no matter how much I want to finish up in RO. For none online games that are on consoles that are on PS and everything else, it's different, cause I don't have to rely on connection. But RO, being online. It's tough. The minute my bro's com starts torrenting, I can't play anymore. My game literally freezes.

 I just want to do one last thing in RO. Many things actually. But. Ok, fine. 2 things.

  1. I want to transcend my character and hit lvl 99. Going 3rd job is another story. For now, this will do.
  2. Get and Enchanted Peach Tree card and test it out on my monk.
Whichever comes first, that'd be the day I'd be able to stay focused. Though, even if I accomplish #1, I'd still want to go to #2 no matter what. So yeah.

Look. I don't want to live with regret. RO.. it's been around ever since I was a child. I fell in love with it before I fell in love for serious with any girl. I've been wanting to have a normal gameplay experience with it ever since I first started, but I know that'd never come true with my current connection. I sure ask for a lot of things. But heck, this is as important to me as... loving someone, staying connected with friends, doing great things for people. I realized that all my life, ever since I laid eyes on it, I could never get my head out of it. Call it addiction if you want, but it's really just unfinished business left too long.

I don't think i'll ever be able to make it. But I've gotta try. And what I need, is your support. Who are you, it doesn't matter. But if you can support my wish, my dream, and my effort, by just even merely saying small words like "go for it bro!" that'd probably be the best thing I could get for now.

I guess this has been an explanation I've been dying to let out ever since... forever. Because nothing has ever gone my way yet, in this particular part. The RO gaming part. Nothing felt right. It felt nearly similar to the night I went back to chase after C after thinking that it'd be my last opportunity to ever get a chance on her.
Oh wait. One thing did. Mugging! Okok, I'm happy with that part. But the two up there. Ugh. 

If I Mug everyday for 3 hours, I could probably get like at least 10k a day? I donno, maybe. And an Enchanted Peach Tree card... is 24 million. A bit too far-fetched right? Figured as much.


This is my chance. I can do it now. I have the time. Can I balance it out later when classes begin again? I donno. I seem to prioritize RO above everything else. But it's a dream. A small dream that I grew up with till today. I want to live it up. Make it a reality. For myself. Yes, for myself. I want this more than anything else right now. And I want to let it go for good, proud, if I could. But I just can't, when I've done so much. Waiting and thinking and strategizing and planning and everything. I never said I wasn't a prefectionist. I guess all my energy was focused on this one passion I've been having all my life. Maybe I'd try looking for a job placement with RO's company. It'd be nice, to be working with the game I love. It may have its corruptions and everything for the company, like tolerating bots and whatnot. But if being in the company allows me to be with the game I've fallen in love with since I was a boy passing UPSR, that's probably the 2nd best thing that would ever happen to an average guy like me, aside from my fateful encounter with C.

Thought, I might have to reconsider the job if the pay is not adequate for survival. Nothing more important than my life after all. If I die. I can't do anything else. And that'd be the ultimate grief of death. I don't want to abandon this personal goal that I've been striving to achieve ever since I was a kid. 

TOA? I'm thinking about it. But for now, lets just take one thing at a time. Well, what would make the fasted amount of money? Hunting cards would do some good. I'd have to spend some on pots though. But cards can take ages to hunt. And the odds are really like 0.01%. Is it even worth a shot? I guess I could still try. Since i've already made up my mind. Or hunt Strawberries. It's 4k each in the market. 4k to 7k actually. But the demand is very high. I tried it. It' huntable. But takes damn a lot of time since I've only acquired 3 strawberries in probably like half an hour. Gold. Dokkaebies dropped gold. 0.1%. Grand Pecos do too. Dokkaebis are in a aggro area though. Grandpecos have minimal aggro, but when you hit one near a group, they all gang up. Maybe that's when I can just Grimtooth? 

Passive Porcellios. I have Priest. An Assassin. I can dual account since that map has 0 aggro. And just keep on healing. Man, I can't even finish one blogpost in peace. Now I have to help my dad with stuff. Mmm.. I guess that's that for now.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

325/365 Hey... I Did Something! :D

Er.. Ok, from far it looks sorta weird. Oh well, whatever. At least this will serve as a reminder that my artistic skills ain't that bad after all, if I were to compare to some other people I guess...

Well, I've been wondering these few days, just what the hell is talent? What makes skill? What's productivity through hard work? And most importantly, where and how should I be working hard?

Ugh. Man. I guess it's time to face the questions again that I've been totally laxing from these few days.

Oh, uh, if you guyz haven't watched Sorcerer's Apprentice, it's pretty cool lol. It's like, dumb + lol + awsmrawr +  epic. Somewhat like that? Lolz.

Err. Yeah. And I'm going back to work this Friday. I guess I can start walking out tomorrow. Wonder if I could cycle though by Thursday. D:

Monday, November 22, 2010

324/365 I Need A Plan

Man, not being able to go out just literally sucks. I'm healing and confining myself. Ugh.

Anyways, I think I'll try something out tonight. Like, I wanna sleep before 12am and wake up... at 7am? Without an alarm. Now... how hard can that be? I donno. Let's give it a shot? Yess...

Aside from that, I haven't done anything so far but RO. I found out that Mugging on higher level mobs gives you a much much much more amount of Zeny so I decided to like, meh, train while Mugging. Well, it's nice to see your character having 150k without selling anything. It's just plain awesome.

Lunchbox huh. Wow. How long has it been since I've mentioned that. I need to get back there and help out man. But I think I need like another two more days. The ulcer down below still looks kinda red. All the rest seem to have patched up. Just that one... it's still in the process of being patched up. Ugh, why must my life be so attached so cycling sometimes. Oh well.]

Also.. Jap exam is coming in... 2 weeks time I think. Maybe less. Better start studying again? I wish I could just go to Zen's place for a refresher session but uh, I'm just cumbered with the healing. Why can't it just recuperate any faster lol? Well, at least it's not getting any worse, so I suppose I should be grateful...

Gyah, damnit, I can't always rely on him to help me, although he is better than me at it considering the fact that he puts more time to do his homework and practice his grammars and all. My Jap is so rusty, I don't think I'll be able to utter anything in proper Japanese comprehension now. Hmph, I might as well just ask him things online and begin... er, today? Maybe tonight. I'll study till I sleep or something. Maybe.

But there's still one thing left for me to do. Why am I leaving it hanging for such a long time anyways? Geez. That's it, tomorrow, I'm starting it no matter what. Even if I wake up at 2pm again, which has been happening for 3 days now. Probably due to my unusual sleeping hours which began last Thursday.

Yeah.... I guess that's that?

K. Bye.

323/365 MUG!!

There's an error for the system notice but meh, the money goes to me XD
Finally something really enjoyable to do in RO lol. Just MUG!! :D:D:D:

My ulcers are almost* completely gone. So.. I guess it's time to walk out again into the sunny daylight world out there. Uh, I'll still avoid the bike for now. Since it ain't at 100% yet, I can't risk having 99.9% reopened and making me require more days to rest at home. It sucks man, to get really stranded at home.

Oh... and Monks... err.. aren't as great as I thought they were ._.
Wtf man, their flee only add +15 at lvl 10?? What's the point then? D:
And the Triple Blows gets less chances to like occur at higher lvl, like from 30% from lvl 1 to 20% to lvl 10.
That's a bit stupid if you ask me. But whether or not from 120% attack at lvl 1 to 300% attack at lvl10, I guess maybe it is sorta worth it. Sorta.

I haven't tested any skills as a Monk yet so... I've much to tinker with the class. But playing it sorta irritates me since nothing seems to really go my way. And Enchanted Peach Tree cards being valued at 20mil now, makes it such a pain in the ass to get one. Makes me feel like just hunting one. Er, wait. Maybe I should D:

But I donno what's the lvl adjustment at Gonryun now so it's pretty hard to say at the moment. But still, playing my sin is pretty fun when you see 174 natural ASPD :D

Well, I guess I'd better start on something on tomorrow, aside from RO. :D MUG!!!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

322/365 First Dayli- I mean Moonlight

Well, yeah, it is my first time stepping outta the house since... C failed to come to my place on her own. Well, you'd know exactly how long ago was that if you check this post. You're more than welcome to do the math on your own.

As usual today, I was RO-ing, and this time I was more irritated than ever seeing how oh-my-gawd-how-hard-is-it-really-to-just-train-a-fucking-monk-to-be-acolyte?!?!?!?! training could be. Really, and I thought training a Mage under laggy circumstances was bad. This? Waaaaaaay worse. Probably because I had to easy with the other classes, considering the fact that I own a Triple Ancient Gladius, which allows me to invest in all other stats aside from Dex. Well, being an Aco, you're restricted from using sharp objects for your training. For that, you have a Stunner, nice stuff. But meh, having  +60 hit just beats everything y'know.

Maybe I should have invested on the build like how I did for my Merchant, so I didn't have to worry about missing and damage output, since in training, that's pretty much all there is. But well, I was sorta stubborn and went along with trying to get my aco to be able to train without supplies. It works, only at certain places. But when you come to understand that those places just don't give adequate EXP anymore, you start to feel sorta depressed for a while.

So yeah, here I am talking about my griefs and regrets in cyberspace, when looking at reality, is there really anything at all I should be worried about? I mean, cyberspace, that's not even my real life. So why the hell am I taking it up so seriously for? Isn't it like supposed to help me relax instead of the other way around? Meh, I guess this is probably due to time restriction, since this resting period totally like ends most probably tomorrow, so I'm like forcing myself to go through with it to the finish, which sorta explains all the stress.

I only realized that during my moonlit stroll so.. yeah.

Well, I guess that's that. And... I didn't realize Fakku was out for a while. But who cares, they're back! :D
So for ya pimps out there, I guess you should rejoice? For people who want to check it out as well, smile! For those who don't care, just... uh, continue being ignorant? Yesss....


321/365 99.9% recovery?

Err.. I guess?

Well, lets see. I don't have anymore tonsils.
No more urinal pain from passing urine.
No more fever.
That whatever chest feeling I had had passed.

My wet drippy feeling... haven't felt it for some time.

My Aco is still not a Monk yet. Ergh. So difficult to train Acos Zzzz
On the other hand, shotguns are kinda awesome for Gunslingers. But long term...
Err... not that great. Handguns are still much faster, with its skillset.
But still, it'd be great to be able to just mob Andres to hunt.. well, Andre cards lol.

And I didn't realize Pron Culvert has already changed so much D:
Man, Zombies are so easy to kill now. They have like 250 hp? Lawl.
Easy pawning man. But... The new system has like higher jexp for everything.
But zombies give exceptionally shitty jexp. No shit lol. Aiya, who cares man, they still Opals don't they :D

Erm.. yeah. Spoiling myself now knowing that I'm on the peak of my recovery.
Shouldn't be sleeping this late but meh. I guess I earned the privilege after abstaining from so many things the past week. Anyhow, gotta go? Byebye :D

Friday, November 19, 2010

320/365 Something About Etiqa?

Yeah. Been meaning to post about this since I received their booklet already.

After reading the contents, the whole book seem to be about the supplementary document, like it's there to tell you when you can claim and how you're insured if you invest with Etiqa. Well, getting insured is kinda nice I guess. Only that I won't be looking forward to having any forms of permanent disabilities since whatever insurance I can get would never be able to beat the loss of a bodily function.

So anyways, the calculation for my savings are a bit mysterious I must say. Since I have to bank in RM80 every month so.. well, I did a simple calculation. For those who're better at this kinda stuff, please do tell me if I made wrong calculations.

Ok, according to my table, for the first year, I won't get any profit. Fine by me I guess. So here's how I'll mark it. With the ":" sign. 1st:0:100 2nd:10:90 3rd:50:50 4th:75:25 5th and so forth:75:25

So on my first year, as seen above, I get no profit. I get 10% of annual investment return on 2nd year, 50% on 3rd year, and 75% 4th year onwards. Maturity ends at 2040, after the 30 year contract. But I'm entitled to one withdrawal every month. Not sure exactly how much, didn't really check as well.

Considering the fact that I'll be putting in RM80 a month, so every year, I'll have +RM960.
So.. ok, I'll begin the math.

First year, no change. So RM960
Second year, I get 10% so it should be (RM960 + RM960) x 1.1 = 2112
Third year, I get 50% so its (2112 + 960) x 1.5 = 4608 wow. 4k in 3 years.
Fourth year I get 75% so... (4608 + 960) x 1.75 = 9744. Doubled!?
Fifth year I get another 75% (9744 +960) x 1.75 = 18732 . Double again D:

Well, that's just 5 years. Lets say I decide to save it up for the next 5 more years.
6th - (18732 + 960) x 1.75 = 34461
7th - (34461 + 960) x 1.75 = 61986.75
8th - (61986.75 +960) x 1.75 = 110156.8125
9th - (110156.8125 + 960) x 1.75 = 194454.428175
10th - (194454.428175 + 960) x 1.75 =  341975.2382125

Err... isn't that a LOT of money? It's a bit too fishy to me. I don't think any bank can actually afford this whole thing if the sum is really that big. I mean, just 10 years and it becomes like that? It's crazy!

It's even more awesome than skim cepat kaya man. Like that by the time I finish 30 years, won't I have past a million since it nearly doubles every year? See? It's too easy. Something's wrong with the calculation. I'm sure of it. There must be a catch. Well, forgive me for sounding so paranoid, but this is the first time I've actually invested with my own money so... yeah.

Well, I'll just try and make it easier lol. Lets remove the +960 and multiply by 1.75 alone and see how it sums up after another 20 rounds.

SO....600k the following year
1 mil the following year.
1.8 mil the following year
3.2mil the following year
by 15th year i get 5.6 mil? D:

my gawd. wait lemme recheck the formula. If this goes on, I'll have more than 20 mil in the account, which is pretty much impossible. Nobody can pay that amount. Even the goverment.

960 + 960 = 1920 x 10/100 = 192 + 1920 = 2112
That's... the same as the earlier one. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Very misleading. I shall arrange an appointment with that lady who signed me up to clarify. D:D:D:D:

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

319/365 One After Another

Just when something ends, another thing begins. Ugh, it's so irritating. I'm talking about my body of course.

My tonsils are almost back to 100%. Almost. The second tonsil doesn't seem to be going to appear anytime soon. So that's also a good thing. But why all of a sudden, I feel something jutting outta my oesophagus? It's bloody irritating man. There's mild pain, pushing feeling. No excruciating sensation so far, but still, whuddaheck man. Ugh, anything la, main priority is that my balls don't go hallelujah before my soul does.

Wizards are pretty cool as a class. But their only and only disadvantage is that, you cannot play them at full efficacy when your connection via server begins to lag like the world's about to fall apart. That's when coolness meets... death. Countless deaths I guess.

Yeah. jobchanged at jlvl50! :D but... err.. lag really screws up the all the fun. ugh.
Damnit. When will I finally be able to go walking out freely again? I missed the Batu Caves trip either way. Hope they all had fun I guess. Maybe I'll go stalk some blogs to see the progress of their learning curve in photography tee-hee.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

318/365 Healing. I hope.

It's been 4 days. I'm left with 2 more pills and another whole bottle of tonsil-aggravating liquid to drink. My ulcers are still swollen, wondering if it's time for it to heal, be it the critical stage or not. All I know it that it's swollen, it doesn't hurt but when something happens to it or if I don't drink too much water, then it does.

Man, it sure sucks to be imprisoned like this with my sickness. Gyah. I just hate having to stay at home all the time. I can't even go out so much as to get some food to eat. It's a really shitty experience.

Well, at least Zen made my day a bit by solving my anime-watching solutions. Tales of Vesperia has such a nice storyline, even for just the First Strike animation. Makes me wanna play the game, which I can't afford nor can I play it since the PS3 is up above in my bro's room. Resolved myself never to go up there anyways. So yeah.

Computers alone and PS2 is enough of a menace to my time. So yar... I'll keep my options more open by reducing more possibilities to waste time.

Mm.. yeah. Gotta wash up and drink my Chinese meds. So... bye.

Monday, November 15, 2010

317/365 Reality is... Different

Well, lets just say I recovered from fever and now my left tonsil is flaring up. Might be a possible right one coming soon. How'd I know? Dude, it's starting to feel painful. Of course there's gonna be. But maybe not. Either way, I'll be pessimist regarding that matter for now, seeing how worse things can be if I don't prepare for the worst that could happen.

By genital ulcers seems to be recovering, but there are also new ones appearing. I wonder why. I never did anything that caused me to walk too much, sweat unnecessarily... nothing. Expect Saturday, since my C tried to stop by only to find that she got lost in her own misery of directional sensing as the path to my way was no more than just a straight walk and a few turns where the directions were. So... she searched for the area for half-an-hour. Of course I was sick, and in no condition to sit the bike at all, but for this, I simply can't sit idly by. I'd rather find her, lose my ability to reproduce then to let something happen to her while she's alone trying to find my place on foot. So I managed to direct her to one place and I found her there. I was considerably irritated by her inability to find my place despite the fact that I've walked her back to the LRT station so many times. Maybe not too many, but more than enough for anyone to remember. Still, I was happy to see her.

Well, I never regretted that decision to get her safely to my place, and send her back there as well. So there were two trips. Just hope that decision wasn't the sole cause for my problems this very moment.

And well, lemme just tell you some truths about the perfect relationship. They aren't perfect. Ok, it's funny how people can boast so much about love and everything, that sometimes, as I stare into this computer screen or have my mind occupied with something else, I simply feel like I had no girlfriend at all. C feels the same way sometimes. We remind ourselves that we're always here for each other though.

There are times when you feel like you never dated anyone, despite being in a relationship, and there are also times that you just miss that person so much you could kill yourself just to let your soul leap from your walls into her area. But so far, I'm proud to say I've never encountered the feeling of never wishing for this relationship to happen, because till today, it is, and still will be the best event that took place in my life. My birth aside. Though, I'm not too sure me being here is necessarily a good thing since. Haha, nevermind.

Love just isn't the fairy tale we all know from childhood. Neither is marriage.

And Inception. Good movie that. Really good in fact. Couldn't get my eye away from the screen at all. Was just as captivating as Dark Knight. But a big warning though, Inception will mean nothing to you if you don't watch it from the start, so if you are gonna watch it if you haven't, remember to watch it all the way through.

And Wall Street. Good movie too. A lot of thinking about commerce and stocks and trading and opportunities. But meh, we Malaysians are just a bit too laid back to handle money that never sleeps, since we all kinda sleep a bit too much. Heh.

Also, these few days, I've been drinking water like I'm inhaling oxygen. Because... yeah, I just really that much water in my system in order to allow my urine to pass without pain. If not... Ugh. Drinking and drinking and drinking, sometimes I just wanna know when will it be enough drinking, but I know I just can't stop drinking. So.. yeah, here I am with too much too drink and a tonsil to make drinking painful, which is on way to doubling now. Not very good news that.

Well, at least I have time to think with my clear mind, despite being imprisoned at home with my negative health state. I have reason to believe that the ulcers are in critical recovery stage so... no, I'm refraining from going out at all cost. I even planned to go to the driving school today but I had second thoughts upon inspecting my ulcers' condition. Mistakes in my case, can be very unforgiving, but hopefully, not permanent.

See how it goes I guess. Owh yeah, I just wanna do this. Heh

Sunday, November 14, 2010

316/365 Before I Get Rusty

I'd better start reminding myself what I should be doing at work again. Donwanna miss important details when I get back after all. That'd be so.. ugh.

Well, ok, when I first come, I'll have to check the drinks bar. Bring out all the drinks kept inside the fridge, make sure all the cordials are still at reasonable volume, prepare glasses for the rush hour, check for the stock in the chiller, refill the straws, plastic spoons, forks, plastic bags, check for the ice... Then done for that part.

After that, there's always the wiping for fork and spoons, writing new order handouts for customers to fill their orders, more packaging boxes to fold.... delivery, always focus on delivery, ice don't put on the floor, will wet the ground, just learned the cashier machine, split bills are difficult and takes time, but doable, always put money back in drawer or pass directly to boss, and... yeah.

Ok, now I've configured that part out, now lets see something epic today.

LOOK AT THE LVL MAN. I'm like only 36, dealing 2.3k damage?? WTF?
Yes. Ninjas are really really imba. Especially kunais, kills faster than anything else, never misses, only takes 10 sp. NO SHYT? SO GOOD? Yes. But Renewal was smart, saw how imba it was and made it about thrice as expensive than the usual cost. MY gawd. So everytime I shoot that, it reminds me of 150z each flying away from my hands. But come to think about, doesn't Mammonite burn even more holes into the pocket? P:

Saturday, November 13, 2010

315/365 Less Pain Now

Yeah. Minus fever. Minus excruciating pain below the belt. Still have the tonsil though. And that somewhat irritating sensation while peeing. And ulcers. Below. Ugh.

Well, I tried to focus on resting, but seem like my body won't allow me to sleep so much, since my fever already broke, so I had to get up and do something at least. Well, I managed to upload all the photos from before, during the previous sem before the current sem where the break is currently ongoing. If you even understand that line that is.

So, go check my photos there on Facebook if you're bored or whatever. I know I'm particularly biased on Angie compared to Doirexant, but meh, Angie just had too much poses. Sorraed dude. I think she beat you in like 50 photos, like she had 100+ you head around 50. P:

But regardless, that photoshoot was memorable, especially after I managed to capture essences of Lam Mei's and Dollie's evil essences. And I remember when really blurred photo, but I could still see Yaakob at the back, despite the lack of facial detail. Pfft, his face wasn't even there. I donno how I remembered it but I know he was wearing that skull-o design tees, if he even has one.

Well, since I'm getting some rest for my recuperation period, I'd better get something done within this few days, that doesn't harm the healing progress of course. Yeah. Maybe... driving license?

Love this doggy. Courtesy of C ^^

314/365 I'm in such a mess now.

Not in terms of work or whatever.

Just that my health state is really terrible now.

Fuck man, how can I get a fever in just 4 hours? It's crazy.

But that's not the point. The worst one is having urinary tract infection.
Yes. Urinary tract infection.

For those who're wondering why, I'll just answer everything for you.
So don't bother asking why because I don't think I'll ever give a fuck in my fatigued state.

I was cycling. Delivering. Food. For Lunchbox. 2 days back. Since I remember I still consider today as Friday.
So count from there. I was wearing loose undies. I had jeans on. During the delivery, I know my
penis scraped the rough texture of the jeans. For how long for sure, I don't know. But if I were to give a
good guess, at least half-an-hour. Didn't see any wounds or whatsoever. Felt fine. When I checked and
after washing up of course. Since I really take care of all my body parts.

Following day, a bit painful. Found out I had ulcers at the inner foreskin of my penis. Fuck. It's alright.
I could bear with that. No problem. Then the next day. Tried washing it again, not so painful. But still
got pain. Alright. Fine. Then when I was passing urine, felt a bit more sting due to lack of drinking at
that time. What to do, too many toilet trips in the shops makes working a bit haywire. But I was talking
to my boss, and he was very understanding and asked me to just focus on recuperating and don't bother
about anything else.

Ok, today. Went to the toilet only 3 times. 1st was ok. A bit sting. 2nd was worse, more painful. And 3rd, when I got back home, the mouth of my urethra felt like it was on fire. Literally. Excruciatingly mother-fucking painful. Just donno how to describe it. It's just fucking unbearable pain.

It's damn stupid how one small incident like my penis getting scraped against my jeans just 2 days back can lead to something as terrible as this. Well to conclude, I have high fever, tonsils, urinary tract infection, muscle ache due to the incidental accident yesterday, and I have a slight back ache. No, I don't want to repeat physio. Fuck man. It's fucking long and draggy and irritating.

Already seen the doctor. Got my meds. Ugh. I don't mind medicine. But. Man, sitting at home doing nothing is... ugh.

Well. just great. Maybe karma played a role here. God knows.

Friday, November 12, 2010

313/365 Turnover

Wow, from like really really bad day to like super awesome relief. How often does when get opportunities to make him or herself feel this way anyways?

Whatever I've said previously about quitting. Wow. It's like. Clean. Completely. Everything just seems so much clearer and easier now. If you must know, my boss had a little one-to-one chat with me after what I thought was a deeply grave and terrible mistake multiplied by over nine thousand. But no, after hearing his explanations about things... Man, I just realized so much that I haven't really given a thought about.

Ok, before that, my started really bad 'cause the minute I woke up, I had this swingy heavy feeling on my head, body felt warm all over, but checking my own forehead, I know I wasn't having a fever, just one of those heaty times I guess. So well, I still took off for work. Reached there, did what was needed. Made a few more careless mistakes like drinks should be 3/4 scoop and not full and lotsa other more dipshits.

Then I sent delivery and made once Arabian customer really pissed. Fortunately he still accepted the delivery. If not, it's gonna be gazillion times harder to explain to my boss. And on my way back, the bike somehow toppled and I bruised my right foot and my right hand. It's ok I guess. Still walkable. Still can draw. Not much impact. But man, was I glad I never got a knock on my head, 'cause the ground was like touching my face.

Oh yeah. Before that happened, my bicycle kinda dieded. Like, period. 'Cause it has a flat tyre. So sad. After coming back home and my bro helping me patch it up, the cause of the puncture was because of a... uh, puncture. By some random nail. Damnit. It's just so awesome how random shitty things can happen sometimes.

So with that happening, I had no choice but to deliver with my bosses kindie-sized BMX with is surprisingly easy to cycle, despite the childlike scale, but very low maximum speed. I'd say my delivery time got cut down by like 40% just because that bike is such a phaylure to the epic sense. But meh. At least there was still a bike. So.

Oh yeah, besides the light headachy feeling, my legs were feeling incredibly exhausted and tired, like there were 50 people hogging on my legs while I was trying to cycle kinda feeling. Ugh. But meh, I guess I still managed to get the job done, somehow.

So with that all happening, the rush finally occurred and there was like 5 deliveries to be settled. All of them were kinda getting late as I looked at the receipt, it states 6.39pm. When I looked at the clock on the wall, it was showing 7.30. OMFG. That's like 10 minutes past 40 minutes. Our standard delivery time for Lunchbox is like 40 minutes mind you. But during peak hours, it's within a range of 40minutes to 65 minutes. So far, we've never failed to deliver. But that Arabic buggar. That's a different case. He said I was late 10 minutes. Didn't feel like 10 minutes to me at all but, meh, I was just too mentally exhausted to even give him a word of... whatever. Thought, it was my fault when the plastic snapped. I have an orange shopping bag to put my delivery goods in and instead, I hanged it on the stupid wheel. Very stupid thing to do. I shall never do that again.

So, back to the rush, there were 3 urgent Monash deliveries. Wait. Actually 2. Both like 6.40+. Another one just came out. Like. Just. The Indah Villa one was even more urgent, but due to large parties, I favored Monash first, since it's gonna make it so much easier with 3 sets of food off my handles. Seriously, a bicycle with and without a box of 12 bottles of 1.5l of water is like, a hell lot of difference. It's about the same as having someone riding the back of your carried while you cycle. Just that people can control their fall a bit through reactive instinct but lifeless stuff like static water. Uh...

Ok, so I managed to clear the 3 Monash breezily. Then I headed to Indah Villa, only to find that the change was there but the receipt was there. Ah crap. I was thinking back then if I headed back just to take the change, it's gonna waste even more time. So I check around my packages to see if there were change. My 3 Monash was cleared completely, leaving only notes of RM50's, in which is the amount of change we always prepare for unless stated otherwise.

I was lucky, the one to Menara Sunway had some small change left. And my wallet had exactly RM15. So total it up, I got a precise RM36, since he was offering me an RM50 note, and his delivery only costed like, RM14.

Ok. Done. I put the money in the same Menara Sunway plastic and rushed my way there as soon as could. Knowing that I had no more change, I called them in advance, asking if they could prepare exact change. I was lucky. They said yes. So I rushed there without any hesitation. Ok, delivery done. Next is to get back to the premise as soon as I could to help out as much as I could. Or so I thought I would be, only to find that my boss got a call from the same person from Menara Sunway that there was a packet of change left inside the plastic when I sent it to them. My boss was asking me for and explanation. I had no idea what happened. As far as I'm concerned, I know that I even triple checked all the delivery sets just to make sure that all have been prep'd with spoons, chopsticks and change. But yet, how come Indah Villa? And Menara Sunway apparently had two sets of changes. Wth?? I didn't see them inside.

Ok, nevermind. After having a somewhat annoyed frustrated blank stare at my boss, I went to deliver to Palmville first, which was on the way to Menara Sunway. So I managed to hit two birds with one stone. Yes, I didn't use kill two birds. I'm a nice person. Fuck you. P:

Palmville done easily. Then I headed to Menara Sunway to like check out the situation. Seems like it's true that there's change left within the delivery package. I explained what happened to the customer and she was nice enough to give me a friendly gesture of "it's ok, relax. Just chill." Man, after working in Lunchbox for over 2 months +. nice people are really scarce these days. But on the contrary, loyal customers are pretty abundant at the premise.

So I went back to update my boss, like I promised him after the delivery to Palmville. Then he started asking what happened. I just explained what I knew, and couldn't think of anything else. He was confused. I was confused. We were both getting nowhere. Then I voiced out that I've been shitting my ass of all these time at Lunchbox but I still make so many stupid mistakes that not only costs him large portions of loss, but really really big disappointments. My tears flowed out against my will though. Can't control that shit. Ugh.

Something remarkable then happened. I was actually fully-prep'd for a full blast from him, like how he usually is when he's like superly extra pissed. But then, he broke down everything for me and explained the problems one by one, stating that he only intends to shoot, the problems and solve them, not shoot me. It just so happened that I was at the problem that I had to hit all the heat from him.

So he's been really helpful. He was telling me why I wasn't being as efficient as I should be with all the stupid mistakes detailed to one conclusion. I was everywhere, doing everything. And that costed me like my performance. Like great decrease. Well, I always thought that I was supposed to do everything, since I'm a staff there. There's no choosing, doing everything to make sure all runs smoothly and stuff. But after his explanation, I was like having a big "WTF" in my head telling me like ,"whut, that's IT? That's really all I have to do?"

When I told him I wanted to help him out, I was entirely genuinely sincere with my intentions. Still is. But I was shaken these few weeks by my poor performance, and me failing one subject just doesn't make my mood any brighter. So. Well, Lam Mei kinda asked me not to take it so hard on myself, in which I wasn't. It's just something I've gotta face and it's a reality. But I think I forgot to tell her, "err... so am I supposed to be happy about my failure in Illustration?"

Well, if she reads it then she reads it. if she doesn't, it doesn't matter. It's a pretty insignificant thing after all. Like how I always forget Shin Yi's name. Holy crap! I actually typed out her name D:

Ok, so continuing from there, my boss told me that I was the first worker to really work his ass off in his premise. I was. I know I still am. And will be. And because of that, he saw so much hope in me for further improvement, and everything lah. Thus the offer for full-time and whatnot. Since it's the first time he's ever seen a worker like me with such burning enthusiasm, which is kinda strange since I don't have that sorta enthusiasm in my own studies. Thus leading me thinking to the fact that maybe aren't wasn't really my forte and management was one of my innate skill sets. I donno. Ergh.

So, he narrowed-down my job scope. Now I only have to focus on deliveries and there are a lot to do. Like the aforementioned case. I was put in a bad position when I was struggling to juggle the drinks bare with the deliveries and serving customers. So, I was slow, and sloppy and inefficient, but still fast, though not much is done despite the hyperactivity.

In accordance to that, my boss told me to slow down a bit, don't rush too much, think more about myself and what to do, in order to save more time then always rushing and nothing much is done. I was like... WOW, why didn't you just tell me like when I started working?

He told me that it's almost impossible to do so. He doesn't know anything about me during my first day, and he only found out my amazing hyperactive enthusiasm after like the 3rd day or so, that I was a really fast worker, no slacking, always occupied.  But that wasn't what he wanted from me. He didn't know how to express it at first, but after that incident above, everything just came out to the main screen, bringing clarity to all my frustrations and concerns, also deleting my whatsoever intentions to quit the job erratically.

He told me that my enthusiasm, was the strongest trait in me, and with that alone, it defeats everything else, despite all the miserable tiny mistakes that accumulate into one huge loss on his side. So yeah. It feels... just super light to have all these things thought out. And I was thinking of quitting on the spot after returning on the spot. But meh, I digress and rethought the situation. I think I'll just give it another shot.

So yeah. It just feels really awesome to be appreciated by someone you know? I never knew what they meant by me being the best worker until like just now, before I'm like here blogging. So... man. It's just loads of good info and ear candy. Well, the mistakes and losses aside of course. Pfft.

Ok, I still feel very heavy and drained so I shall retire early today. Kudos to my bro for helping me patch up my bike and my dad for fetching me back home together with my inseparable bike.

So yeah. See the turnover? Well.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

312/365 Empowering Things

Well, I'm sure you read my post yesterday. Anyways, if you didn't, it doesn't matter, since this post isn't 100% related to it at all.

So today, sem ended, and thus my anticipation for my new transcript with the capital F on one of my scores begins. To be particular, just Illustration 2. Who'd have though one assignment could make such a significant difference anyways? Well, welcome to The One Academy. The one and only of course. But wait, there's also The One Automobile. Oh crap, must've been Tatsun's plot to rule the world with this artistic monarchy.

Ok, since I feel like a happaeh soul right now, and also feeling like uploading some pics now, you shall have some stuff to view. Mmm. Whether you enjoy or not, doesn't matter. I'm just uploading it for the sake of.

 See the one of the left with the black framing? That's my product shoot for my Marker Visual 2. And well, my marker visual is... No comment. Though, Lam Mei said my background looked nice, in which to be honest, I just lens-blurred it and it happened to look like that. I know what she means by having those nice stroke effects behind, but that never really was my intention from the start. So. Regardless, I'm pretty satisfied with my picture. Although, the colours look pretty nice form here, if you take a closer look, you'd see the blurred focus. Wasn't intentional again.
Ah, this lovely piece. It's my Ad Visual Advanced Light & Mood practice in class after all the core assignments are done. It's probably not the best thing I've vomitted out from my head and hand, but everytime I look at it, I just feel happy. Heh. wait till you see what's at the bottom. :D

I just heard one line that I'd like to share to everyone who's reading. Never indulge into self-pity, because once you begin, you'll never get out of the rut. I shall tribute the line to myself.
Now. This looks even more awesome. I just filtered it with the Accented Edges effect I think and wow. Actually I was tinkering with the post-filter effects and when I saw this, I just realized how amazing the colour really was, and my depth was really really there, since after the filter, you can see the layers and layers of colours that gradually change from lower to higher value, aka darker to brighter for you non-artnuts out there. P:

So yeah. This is now officially my wallpaper. Feels good to see my own artwork looking... Nice.

And that line above previously, it was something my boss told me. See? Pretty empowering right? And what's even better, my nice friend who had a blog got  kinda snapped by my previous post that he dedicated 90% of his post towards me. Or anyone else who thinks the way I did 26 hours back. He just has that knack to make things seem so general, that it's not about anyone specific, but the target group. So, he's pretty good with his words. Makes me wonder if it was his Cambridge course. Maybe. But not entirely accurate of course. Since grammar, vocab and word control of a person really just comes from two places, the mind and the heart.

When he said that he'll be there to support me, man... that's the best line I can ever hear from anyone. Even C goes blank and doesn't have a clue on what to do when she saw my post. She thought I went insane or something, which wasn't what I was trying to imply. Like, it's a blog about me, so it only makes sense to be about me right?

It happens from time to time, the spikes of emotional treshold. Venting it out is a good thing. And I never want myself to hold back if I can afford to do so. Because those feelings are always genuine, and there's nothing more human than being just the way we are. Always filled with emotions.

Some days I'm calm. Some days I'm normal. Some days I'm quiet. And some days, you'll feel annoyed when you read my post. Since my words are just that sharp sometimes. How so? Because you can relate to it. You know these things happen. While some can overcome it, some can't. Not to say I can't of course. I'm pretty sure I can, I just need to figure out what I want to do, what I can do, and what I should do. Like what that friend said, in which kinda reminds me in a totally unrelated note that he still owes me RM200, which I think he'd have probably forgotten or something. And I didn't bother asking for it anyways, since he was the one who sold off my Sony Walkman, if any of you remember the pink headset that can't last for even an hour or so with multiple visits to the stupid Sony Centre. Though, that very same model seems to be pretty stable now. Been seeing it a lot lately with other people so. I just got the really bad one at that time I guess. What luck huh? Still, I'm quite happy with my Sandisk already. So don't bother about MP3's lah. Just need to find a nice headset for myself than can match-up with my active on-the-go lifestyle. Is it so difficult to find something with enough water-resistance, doesn't sound bad and doesn't come off easily when I want to jog? Zzzzz.

Oh yeah, before I forget, today, I worked from 11am-1.30pm, and 6.30pm-9.30pm. So that's 5 and a half hourse. Oh yeah, some trivia. Did any of you know that 9/10 people fail with new businesses within the first two years? Because if everyone was like the 1/10, I think everyone in this world would be living in paradise.

Uh. Yeah. Ok. I think I wanna stop now. Just installed my HP 3-in-1 printer that only costs RM190. Bought it last week but never really found time to set it up. So I just did just now. It's can print, copy and scan. Pretty niche to have it around the house now :D

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

311/365 Somewhat Smooth Day.

Started work at 7.30am today though so... Yeah. Ended at 9pm. Officially it's 9.36 but it's nothing really important since I could've gotten back at 9pm but headed back after my off-time. It's not their fault I stayed back. They don't need to pay for my extra hours any ways. Since I'm not asking for it after all. I've been so generous, I've been cutting off my hours here and there just to lighten their burden. Heck, I always thought to myself to just keep the pay and just let me leave sometimes. Because days can just be really that terrible at Lunchbox. Just sometimes. Though, one things remains unchanged. The food is still as great as always. Despite the many unforseeable shortcomings.

Anyhow's less mistakes today, better than all the other days. Feels good to be doing things right for once. But heck, aren't I supposed to be doing things right for my side of my life first before anyone elses? Mmm.

I'll be sticking with Lunchbox for now. I still have one thing to do before I can tell them that I want out sometime. But it just gets harder and harder when I find that I know even more than what I know the day before. So it's like, if I just leave like that, it's such a big waste y'know. It's no different than trying to learn piano, hit grade 6, and like just one more grade and suddenly your tutor just decides to stop teaching you. Oh crap...

Really, I'm still not thinking about my pay. My initial intention was never to work there anyways. Just help out. But I'm finding out that I'm literally exhausting out myself by helping them out because I can't do anything else but be there for them, which means I can't go to the bicycle shop to repair my bike or maintain it, go to photocopy shops, or morning markets or all those things I usually do. Heck, even time for assignments are scarce. It's either I continue working there, or stop. I just can't juggle The One Ass-kicking with Lunchbombardment altogether. It's just way too much stress. Especially when you're hit with both sides constantly reminding you how shittily imperfect you are as a person. And although there's always rooms for improvement, you'll never be the best sorta thing.

Thinking about it, it's definitely not the kinda life I'd want. Even if you paid me RM500 and hour. I rather get nothing and have freedom really. Freedom to rot and do my own stuff. Like RO. Damnit.

Sometimes the boss is pretty encouraging. Heck, he's still encouraging. Just that when's he's in frus mode, he really becomes really unreasonable. Something he has forewarned me about, and I don't mind too much about him letting his frus out or anything. My main concern now is my stretch for time. Not the service or anything at all. I just. I just want to sort my life out without any distractions y'know. But hell, I never really had much time to think about what I really really really wanted to do. Powerful stress on the triple really's. Because. I donno. After depression. Uh. That period of time. Bah, whatever, at least I've gotten over that.

Sometimes I just wished I could have started 4 months later, instead of 4 months sooner. Yeah, faster you graduate and all. But in that 4 months, I probably would have been able to finish a lot of things I wanted to do so much. And maybe feel not so much regret right now. But thanks to my family's push to go college, and well, Zen's unprecedented incidental invitation, oh wait, actually I asked him. We went there for an inspection, met the counselor together and stuff then... We were at TOA already. The came CD0901-1 which was fun and all. But I'm starting to feel like I don't belong there. Or anywhere. I just really need some time off everything. I think.

I miss so many things. Jogging, oversleeping. Everything la. Is it a good life for me? Only I can decide that though. Oh wait, I went on a delivery just now and met a senior from MM major. Apparently, there WILL be  internships for MM students. But not so for all other major ftw.

But he said something really important. Like, ok fine, he failed a subject before and opted to sit that subject alone and he told me that he couldn't stand it at all because repeating the subject to him was beyond boredom. It's like total deprivation of motivation and enthusiasm, so much so that you feel like your shithole is greater than that of Africa's. Whatever that means.

My boss also pointed out a good word of advice for me. He told me to think of the why's of things that are the way they are, should be the way they are, and how they would really be like. Maybe that's what I'm lacking. The why factor. My reasoning. My goal. My objective. Not that I have any real ones. Just one though. Play RO? I might sound like an addict. But no. I'm not. Too bad I can't work with Gravity. Meh.

Well, lets think about it. What do I want to do in the future? I remember mentioning on this blog before that I wanted to teach. Teach what in particular? Anything. As long as it's a good thing and benefits the helped person.

But ok, lets look at this realistically.

I now have 4 options set up before me.

  1. Continue on with Lunchbox, be a loyal slave and herald them to celestial heights. Then I'll be a worker forever. Maybe have my own group, but will always be under the boss on top. I'll never have my own real career or any time for myself, due to the intensive focus I need to have for my job. So. yeah. If it even happens that is. Being a 
  2. Or maybe I can just continue sulking over my shitdom at TOA. Something pretty fun to do with, especially when you're sad and other people are too. Still, getting paid RM70 for a piece of storyboard drawing is... awesome. But man, I feel such a downslide with art now, I'm just beginning to hate it rather than love it. But also finish up my classes as usual, with one delayed class.
  3. Skip one entire sem of classes and focus on acrylic alone and really make do with the extra time I have and see how it goes. From there, maybe I'll call for the continuation or quits of the art story in TOA in my life.
  4.  Maybe I can start selling some good dipshits called insurances and make a living out of it. Not like any of my friends would buy it anyways. But hey, in those kinda stuff, it's all about the number game, and if you meet 100 people a day, there's no way you couldn't get at least one. Oh great, a hundred. How long will that take? Will I have income? how to support myself and other people if necessary? 
  5. Make a living from what I do best; screwing up my own life, turn it into a comedy and let the thing run by itself. to help pay for my living expenses. Meh, Russel Peters. Uh, hold on. No.
What I wanna do? I just want to get it over with at TOA. And I want to play RO. And yeah.

Wait. I just remembered. I want to do a marathon. Been longing for it for ages. I donno if I'd be doing it even if it's in Veterans. I just wanna finish a 10km marathon. Now I can't even jog for nuts. No time to spare at all. Geez man. And to finish up my DDR challenge, if you remember Dance Dance Revolution. Not like I can always use the tv anyways. Having a bunch of oversensitive family members can be a real pain the ass sometimes. Wait, usually they don't mind me playing. Just that, well, they wanna watch tv y'know. And turning the volume down at night is pointless. How am I to dance when I can't even hear the sound of music? Pretty stupid no?

Moving out moving out, having been talking about that countless times. Art can never survive in my house. I just can't focus at all here. At least at Lunchbox, I'm focused with my work there. But once I get back home, it's just back to laze mode and whatever. I've got so many things left unfinished, and I keep on telling myself to wait after graduation. Will the waiting really be worth the wait? I mean, it's different when you're 18 and when your 21. Really different. I'm already 19 and I already feel the difference. Another 2 years, and I think I'm gonna have an implosion of sorts from within.

Ro. RO. Haiya. Ragnarok. I bloody grew with that game man. Since 12 years old of course. It's the only thing I find truly satisfying, like really really satisfying as a past-timer. But the thing is, my days of passing-time are over. Now, it's all about chasing lost time. Oh wait, I can't get back lost time. So in an effort to save as much time, meh. Whatever.

C...C...C. Hai... I can't do anything with her now. Can't talk to her mom. Can't be open to the relationship. I know I said I'm ok with everything. But after a while, it just starts to get really really really intolerable. But man, i just bear with things. Oh wait, that's the fucking problem. I bear with EVERYTHING in my life. What people say, forced friendly advices, strongly reccomended suggestions that I don't really need, they abusing their authority on me and stuff. I'm just used to being that sorta punching bag y'know. Thanks to a certain waste of space classmates who bullied me everyday and a certain mom at that time who just couldn't get the point of my menacing problem during childhood. Everything just matters sometimes.

But don't get me wrong. I'm still happy with my relationship. Just that, there are just things I'd rather have it this way or that way. But y'know, again, I bear. Oh, I think the more proper word for the whole thing would be to deng chi. Deng chi.

Sometimes, my classmates can be really inconsiderate. Wait. Not sometimes. Like all the time. I'm like them. Maybe not like them. I'm part of the group. Sometimes not at all. But when someone told me, "hey, you're not gonna go emo right?" in that sorta hintish irritated kinda tone, it just ticks me off man. I felt like saying, "what, so I can't be emo but you guyz can? Maybe sticking with you guyz was never the right choice. I thought being with people would make me feel better, but that line alone just made me 10 times worse. Why? To know that my friends just care about themselves and call me a friend. If you donwanna care about me then fine. Go along. Be happy. Don't purposely invite me over just to go triumphant over your carefree life when I can't even when I show that I'm carefree most of the time. I told y'all before that I needed to work harder and spend less time with anything else, and I know you mean good, but sometimes intentions can be misread, misinterpreted. You tell me that I don't have to work so hard. WTF is wrong with you man? Have you seen my grades? Fuck. I'm not even gonna pass this class. Why am I even talking about this to y'all anyways? It's pretty clear you guyz just don't give shit about what happens to me. All you care about is whether you can have a laugh with your friend and make sure you're happy enough when you get back home."

Wait. The last line. That's what I want to. Which means... nobody is wrong. It's just me me me me me.
Oh me. Oh my. Oh.

Well, that's really what I wanna say of course. But meh. Even if I did, with such carefree lighthearted friends, I think they'd just take it as a joke or something and make me a laughing stock for many of their more lolenating topics. Nobody really took me seriously. Oh wait, someone did. Alex. And I still remember what he told me till now. You can work for a lifetime. But studying, it's only now. After this, you won't have the opportunity to go through the same experience anymore. And then you can work however long you want.

But my boss did. Perhaps a bit too seriously? Fuck. Osla, you're going around in circles. What the hell are you trying to go about anyways? People carefree you get irritated. People serious with you, you pressure. People ignore you, you depressed. People care for you, you feel constricted. Then what do you want people to do for you??? Geez.
Ok, I snoozed twice while doing this post. Even after drinking heavy coffee. I guess it only works sometimes and not all the time.

Er. Yeah. 

I guess my life is kinda screwed up. Not to say you guyz aren't. But meh, I'm sure there are more screwed up lives up there. So.. I think should be not so sad. And this ain't a happy post either. So I shall remain neutral ._.

Feel free to comment. But I won't tend to Anonymous comments. Since, being anonymous about your identity just shows how shitted you are to be found out and not coming straight up with what's really there. I hate cowards but its ironic how I can be a bigger coward than anyone else has ever though of.

Monday, November 08, 2010

310/365 Holiday Assignment huh.

Sketchbook holiday assignment for Ad Visual.
Wow effect.

- Idea sketch

  • Character
  • Background
- Final Sketches + R&D = info & inspiration
- Finalize sketch
- B/W -Compostion + Light & Shadow
- Colour Thumbs -Timeline + Feel + Mood
- Final Artwork

  1. A Hero/Evil King
  2. Speed Devil
  3. Futuristic City
James Jean*
Alex Ross*

At the end, pass up to Leo in Concept Art.

As for today, I worked from 11am-2pm, and 7pm-9.30pm. So... that's 5 and a half.
Y'know, sometimes I feel like quitting Lunchbox but there are also times that I feel like when I'm there, my presence makes a big difference, the kinda feeling you feel like when you just accidentally saved someone's life by chance and damn, you just feel so awesome and great. Yeah. That sorta... uh feeling.

So... Oh yeah, I can teman Chuan Shin after my OTP :D
Crap. He's smoking. Ugh.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

309/365 Ok, I need to start putting down my hours at works on paper.

And I shall start here.

Ok, so Monday, I... worked from 11am-2pm.
Tuesday I worked from 11am-4pm.
Wednesday.... Naw, I had off day that day.
Thursday... Nope. Had to stay at home for a certain family dispute.
Friday, yes, full day 10am-9pm.
Saturday. Same. 10am-9pm.
Today? 10am-8pm.

Tomorrow? Lol. 11am-2pm then coming back at night, 7pm-9pm.

I'm beginning to have some extra stuff to do at Lunchbox. Too early to tell whether it's good or not. Either way, I know I've gotta do something better :D

But hm, with more responsibilities being added, I'm just wondering how am I supposed to let go of Lunchbox one day? Seems almost impossible to do, considering how I'm so tied down to it now. But I still have so many things that I want to do. But the main question is what the heck do I want to do to earn a living?

My honest answer is that I don't mind doing anything, for as long as I can make an honest living and keep my own mouth fed along with whatever luxury I can afford. It doesn't really have to be art alone. Or anything. Maybe that's why my oomph ain't great enough for TOA? Just a speculation but who knows y'know.

C suggested that I place my focus on one subject and just delay myself one sem. I don't think it's a bad idea. It'd probably do me more good than rushing to the next sem just for the sake of wanting to end the other classes with my other friends, which I really intend to do anyways. But with that one class. It just makes that much difference. And it sucks. And I never really failed in anything before. But my Accounts paper. Once. During some monthly exam that is. But I donno, now this failure of mine isn't so much of an impact like before.

I just donno what's wrong with me man. Maybe if I started paying my own fees, I'd feel it. But urgh. Why can't I? I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one out there who feels like this with their courses and all, even after calling them their best interest or passion and whatnot. It just doesn't stick sometimes. Ugh. Yeah.

Well.. I think I wanna do some work now. Bye.

308/365 Solar Sword

In RO is kinda disappointing. Ugh. At least I traded it for a Porcellio card rather than paying 4 million zenny or something.

The damage is too low. You need to cover Dex if you don't have Mummy cards. And going full Str without Dex must have Mummy cards. So... yeah, it's kinda sucky.

Maybe I'll sell it off for maximum price or something. Heh.

Friday, November 05, 2010

307/365 Mmmm. Stuck in a rut.

I guess that's the best term to depict my current situation. Well, I guess I just have too many things up in my head. And I'm not too sure what to do with them.

It's something like I know I want to try everything, but I know I don't have the time to try everything. If so, what should I choose to try and what should I choose to let go?

It's funny. After being in TOA for almost 2 years, I'm still reminded about my ifs with Hospitality and Management. I donno man. I just really like serving people. Though, I'm not sure of what it's gonna be like out there in the campus environment and stuff.

I find that I'm quite good with studying. It just comes easily to me. Practicing on the other hand, needs extra focus, and motivation. Without it, moving is nothing but an impossible ordeal to outdo.

Me failing one subject makes things such a mess right now. A delay of 4 months from graduation is a great deal of time. I donwanna waste 4 months just to finish up one more subject. I know I'd be doing more than just that, but still, after Tatsun's freshie talk during the induction week, it just makes it all the more harder to just let go of time just like that. Despite knowing the fact that I did waste a lot of time ironically, I still can't take this in whole-heartedly. Wait, when did I ever took anything whole-heartedly anyways? Oh yes... I remember. All the negative comments about me. Mmm. Depressive stuff, but somewhat true to the core. So.

Today, I was just working, and the rush didn't feel like such a rush today. Everything was slow. Really slow. Turtlish pace. I felt so indifferent and silent, it's like telling me "what am I even doing here for?"

I'll be really honest with myself now I guess. If I quit my job, I'd rot more at home. If I take a full sem again including the retaking of the IL subject, I might fail it again, because I might not have enough time to really put focus on the one subject. Not like TOA ever gives you such a nice break anyways. If I took the subject alone, I know I'd probably devote myself to non-course-related things rather doing what I am supposed to be doing in my college. SO. Yeah.

Should I continue at TOA? Hospitality and Management always looks appealing to me somehow, probably due to the fact that I don't need to be at home to study, which is a good breathe of fresh air since being at home is pretty much suffocating with no room to move around and explore, if you get what I mean. My house isn't as conducive an environment for art students to move in. Not when there's so much to do, and there's so much you can't do while you need to do so much. Can you relate to it? Because that's really what's going on in my mind now.

MMM... I should think some more.

306/365 Looks like

I'll be repeating one class next sem. Haiz. All because of one stupid assignment for my Illustration 2, in which I screwed up and literally got no marks at all from there so.

Well, I'm not too sure what'd happen. There's a 1% chance that I might still pass, but since that number seems somewhat negligible, I'm not gonna take my chances. I already know I'm gonna repeat the class, then so be it.

Now, I just want to know whether I should be taking the class alone while skipping one whole sem just to keep my focus on track or to resit that class and progress with all my other classes. Both have their own quirks, like if I focus on one, I can be more efficient, and maybe produce higher quality work, while catching up with all my delayed practice. For one sem mind you.

If not then I'll take the class again along with the other new classes for next sem, only to find myself still stuck in the same rut. So... it's a bit stupid if you ask me. Well yeah.

So fellow TOAsians who read here, note that I won't be joining the same grad ceremony as all of you anymore. After all, it's just a consequence I have to bear with after making a stupid mistake. And sometimes a stupid mistake is all it needs to give yourself a proper wake up call, after the mistake bites that is.

Maybe I'll consider shifting major. But time is off the essence and I really want to finish up college ASAP to reduce the money spent on tertiary level education. And well, I just blew up that one part since I'm repeating one class. An additional 1k mind you.

Man. If I switch, it's gonna take another +1 year to finish, which means 2 years. If I resit, it just takes another 2-3 extra months, which isn't so bad, provided I pass of course. Ugh.

If I change my course totally however, that means I have to start back from the baby step and complete another 3 years. I donno. Maybe. Since I really find it hard to motivate myself to do art anyways. Hospitality and Management comes to my mind again. Erm. Yeah. K bye.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

305/365 Long Overdue.

I believe this picture's uploading has been too long delayed so...

It's my profile picture on Facebook now lol. So... yeah, working on it now.
And the due date's tomorrow 9.30am. Cross my fingers that the sleepless night will
aid me to finish this well. Maaaaaaaaaan. I really hate screwing my artworks up y'know.

And my sis is moving out due to several reasons. I just know she's really upset. Anything
la. It's her life anyways. Kkk, gotta go~

304/365 A Sudden Erruption.


Ok, I shall go as slow as I can so bear with the text. This is just a forewarning? Yeah, ok. Read of if interested. If not, lol, anything goes I guess.

Everything began tonight with my project discussion which is for tomorrow, which is actually today since it's... well, past 12am, which I'm quite sure none of you might care but ha ha ha.

Ok, so I woke up from sleep around 10+. Then I went to my laptop, and Talissa was on. So we updated each other on what we had. Then I called on the rest of my groupies to see what we can tinker out from the situation. We're supposed to do a product shoot tomorrow and we're sorta clueless about what we want to shoot, even the things are unknown and we're just gonna make do with whatever we have tomorrow, which is sorta unprofessional. Correction. Highly unprofessional. But meh, we're students, so we still have that privilege I guess. Once it's out in the working world, it's either you do it right, or you risk your job. Simple as that.

Ok, so we decided on music after a while, but we confirmed that we need a real product to shoot. Something with a label that could be recognized. So we had to stick to something for us to shoot. Like Artline or Pentel, whatever it is, it's gotta have a good recognizable view after the shoot. Since it's well.. uh, a product shoot.

Oh, I used 2 ok's already. *laaaa....* sudden epiphany. But moving on, I faced a problem. I'd be working tomorrow so I can't make it earlier for their early bird discussion. So I thought of maybe getting one of my family members to send for me. I don't need to be there, just need someone to pick it up on my behalf. Decided on Talissa to do it.

For that one, cased closed. Though, their discussion thing starts around 1pm. My mom, which has agreed to help me transport the goods can only go after 1.30pm, so alright, not that it matters much to me anyways since I won't be in the discussion. Just thinking that if I could get it there earlier it'd benefit the group when I'm not there.

Along the process, my mom sorta argued with my sister about the car, stating that she was being too calculative since she asked me to pay the share for petrol. I didn't really mind because I was still thinking of other alternatives to tackle the situation. I might just cycle with a whole load of stuff if I have to. But getting it there without supervision of another upon arrival is pretty difficult. After all, who would wanna lose their things anyways? So... lets just say things got a little rough after this part.

My mom got ticked off by my sister's attitude and decided to take back her car for her own use, which by the way has been pretty much battered to an extent that a good working car is reduced to a car that requires a total replacement. A full body replacement if you get what I'm saying.

Err... maybe not that bad. Just 2 doors, 1 knob, the driver's seat, the air-conditioning, and... other applicable maintenances I think. It's not like it's totally undrivable. Just... bad shape. I guess.

Continuing from the mom part, she kinda got flustered all the way and went directly to my dad demanding an explanation from the current shit we're in. By shit, I mean like, the fact that all members of the family have to walk up to my dad and inquire should they require anything, like payment or extra cash and the like. And... well, there's also the current cold war, which kinda just ended, but I'll leave the extra details for the latter.

Well, in other forms of the.. uh, shit ... well, lets just say everyone has a problem with everyone else, and it's left unsolved, unsettled, untouched and they caused a lot of unnecessary disputes amongst the members of the family. So, today, just because of my mom arguing with my sister event triggered, everything sorta just bursted, and wow, what a coincidence, every member of the family was present at that time. The perfect timing for a solution dontcha think?

Ok, so my mom went to my dad demanding a solution for the previous problem, my sister paying for her own expenses. I don't quite see any problem there, since she's living by her own gain and... yeah. Nothing wrong with that. But my mom was pushing my dad to help my sister. At that moment, I didn't really bother since I was looking for one misplaced christmas tree, in which I need for tomorrow's shoot. So... yeah, it sorta went on further with my eldest brother coming down, with his own part to tell.

The problem brought up was the fact that my dad isn't fulfilling his role in the family? Erm, ok, does working more than 12 hours a day driving a taxi all over the place to make sure that all our mouth are fed by the end of the day irresponsible? Nah, my dad did a great job for that. But what my father really lacks is maybe... the care. The compassion that any father should have for the family. Like maybe.. I donno, caring more about the family I guess besides work. But with him slaving himself to work like that, it's kinda understandable sometimes when you just can't care about anything else but to just relax, because that's just what we all need after a full strenuous day at work. It's no different then us doing assignments without sleep for 3 days. And by the end of the 4th day, we just couldn't care about anything at all, because we're just so exhausted. We young people can cope with such stuff. But my dad is already 62 this year mind you. It's already a miracle that he's still talking properly, walking with his own two legs and still helping to support the family, since most men, I think, by average in Malaysia aren't so lucky. So... is that really a problem?

Ok, fine. Then second problem, asking. Asking for money. Hm. Something most of us find hard to do no doubt, unless if you're a pro swindler of course. It's just in our culture I guess, to not ask of other what they cannot give. But my dad wants to give, if it's within his means of course. Since it's his responsibility to make sure everyone in the family runs the way they should be running. Er, not even sure what that really means right now. But hey, I'm just trying to provide inference form my observation. But no, this is no scientific experiment. Just the thoughts going through a 19 year old boy who's the fourth child living in a family of 7 including parents and trying to finish his college Diploma with... a peace of mind?

In my opinion, asking is ok. I'm pretty open-minded after all. I won't ask until necessary. Like my allowance. If I get it, I'm ok with it, more money to spend on certain things and save up on other things. If not, then members of my circle would start hearing me yapping about lack of money to spend on this and that, which is pretty natural when you have so much cost to bear with art materials and the like. But I think you all find me talking about money a lot less now dontcha? Working-, uh, ok, I'm not working there. I don't like saying that I'm working there because I'm really not there for the money or the pay for that matter. I'm just there because the place needs and extra hand, someone to help and fill in a position, and I was qualified, I had the time, and I could do it. So I lent a helping hand. So... I think I prefer to say that I'm helping out over there. Frankly speaking, I don't really mind if I don't get my pay. But looking at my bosses being such nice and honest people, I don't think they'd feel good about letting me work all those dog hours left unpaid with something equivalent to my effort in the very least. So... anything goes for their part I guess.

Back to the asking part. My sis stands on a position whereby she's defending herself from being obliterated by us siblings, in which I see practically no threat really but ok, I shall continue. She believes that she can do everything on her own, without the help of others, with her own effort. Really, we have nothing against that. Just that, sometimes, her temper really fiddles with the best of us and we're all having problems keeping our cool, especially with such hot weather these days. So, ok, she brought up her shattered dreams of being a doctor, in which mostly everyone told her she was gonna do when she was done with schooling, to testify for the fact that even if she asked money from my dad, he won't give it to her. Umm... ok, here's the thing. What's the difference between 400k and 60k? Medicine alone costs more than 400k, and that's just the course fee itself, excluding all other expenses incurred from staying overseas and the like. Now.. where can my dad bring up such a taxing amount in... a year? Even loans and loans and more loans won't do. So naturally, the only way my father could help was to ask her to find a scholarship that allows her to have the whole course fees paid, or look for a cheaper alternative course. Anything besides medicine. But you don't understand. My sister grew with that ambition. Everyone seconded her when she was young. She was an aspirant with great passion for that dream. And because of that incident, everything shattered. She felt worthless, pointless, irrelevant, like all of us do when we get really really down under.

Put yourself in her shoes. If that happened to you, can you still trust your dad? Most of us... no. Some of us, maybe. Not all of us, but a small portion of us, yes. So.. maybe just to make things clearer for you, my sister is diagnosed as a dyslexic person. You know of it? Err, trouble handling words, math, logic and structure. Even comprehension seems extremely difficult to comprehend. So.. yes, my sister actually gone through quite a lot. She's still trying to overcome her dyslexic traits though, which is something I take my hat off to. But the way she treats things around the family... hm. I'll have to rethink about that one.

Well, she repetitively stood by her ground that she wasn't selfish and wasn't causing any disruption for the family by being self-sufficient. My dad also saw that she was being self-sufficient, acknowledged it, and let her have her freedom. Since she never asked anything from my dad, he didn't feel the need to intervene with whatever she's doing, which I think isn't wrong at all on my dad's part. But my sister felt really uncomfortable with asking people for money. Not that I do anyways. I also feel the same way. But dude, I need to live my own life too, and I have to pay for things regardless. So I take a reasonable amount. Not too much, not too less, just right so that I can manage my financing and not erratically deplete whatever resources I have.

I think you're beginning to see something in the situation above. It doesn't really connect somehow right? Nope, you're not wrong at all. That's exactly the problem. Things just don't relate and everyone has their own mindset about how things go and whatnot. So, I have to agree with my dad that everyone was going around in circle, holding on to thoughts they really shouldn't be having in reality. But look here. So... yeah.

My eldest brother on the other hand... he finally got his emotional rest I think. Maybe. Since he got some off his chest now, after 20+ years? Mmmm. Well, he was never the one to question parents, and being the eldest in the family, he feels that it is his duty and responsibility to assist in the family's financial status. But before that ever happened, lets just say he had quite the life during his college times. I just know that he had to pay his tuition fees by working part-time and on the first day he entered his campus hostel, my dad slapped him across the face and left him bear without any allowance to live in his new home. Something my grandma witnessed and she said, "what did my grandson do to deserve such a treatment?" So when my sister told my eldest bro off that he had a choice in life, my bro really got ignited and retaliated since... that wasn't fair at all. My brother really had not much choice during his time. But he still finished up his course and did what he could with whatever knowledge he has acquired.

Actually my sister retaliated too. Everyone kinda did, besides me and my elder bro and my youngest bro. My eldest brother brought up the meaning of family, which I think my dad didn't really grasp properly since... here's the thing, all this while, my dad has always been giving allowances to us unconditionally to no fail. Then he suddenly asked of us to ask him. If he cultivated that trait within us to begin asking and opening up to adults, then it's ok. But he didn't do that so... it was somewhat difficult for us to adjust with the sudden shift. I mustered my courage and confidence and gave it a shot when I asked my dad, since I see no harm done doing that and I'm a very practical person after all. So I went ahead for the chance, and I got rewarded for my efforts I guess. And that's probably why I'm still getting my allowances up to this date. My sister... no, since she didn't ask for it. I mean, how'd anyone know anything if nobody clarified about anything at all?

Being reasonable isn't wrong. Being self-sufficient isn't wrong. Being filial isn't wrong. Being pious isn't wrong. Then... what's wrong exactly? My dad just wants us to reason with him and give him a reason to continue working. If not, why is he working so hard for? Not too much to ask form your own children I suppose? He also wants to go ahead with his own set of beliefs. My mom as well. So does each and everyone of us. It's just a personal freedom all of us have. So what's wrong with that. Wanting to support yourself isn't wrong too. I mean, lol, what the hell's wrong with trying to live your own life and not trying to get anyone involved in it at all? I'm pretty sure everybody wants to do that. So fidelity. Is that wrong? We're all raised to be a complete family, helping one another, staying within the community and caring for one another. Supporting financially for the family isn't wrong too. So... what's really the problem here?

I donno. After inspecting everything. I think... there's really actually no problem at all. I mean, nothing is perfect. But everything on the aforementioned is already thrown into the bucket so, what else does it need to run the family?

Oh yes.



And for all that's worth, open-mindedness. We all have this conflicts because nobody's doing anything about it. Nobody's saying anything. Nobody knows about anything. So things linger around here and there and morph into time-bombs that threaten to blow this family apart to pieces, in which it already kinda is. But not so much to the extent of a broken family of course.

So what can we do about it? Nothing much I guess. Just need to adapt and improvise. And keep away from those mistakes that haunt us.

I always try to remain neutral in my family. Because picking a side never gives a clear thought, and it doesn't help when fire goes against another fire since it only creates more fire. Erm. Yeah. Just need to solve problems. But the problems aren't real problems, but it's becoming problems. So how do we solve problems that aren't problems? Hmmm.

Know that if you're having a family crisis. You're not alone. Everyone who has a family feels it too. So yeah, just... deal with it calmly I guess. Yeah.

Ok, I really need to get double time on my work now soooooooooooooo... Bye.