Friday, April 29, 2011

119/365-11 Look here

I'm here.
I'm always here.
I will always be here.

    Do you
       see me?

You see me?

I want.
You        to
         see       me
               so       much

So very

Set     your     eyes
                     at me.

Let         me 

               be clear

Let         me

I want
           to           know


At least

             at         me

                       this         once.

And         I


                                                                                                           Find        me. 
                                                                                  Remember              me


Thursday, April 28, 2011

118/365-11 Accelerated Mutation

"I like to think of accelerated mutation as an advanced version of human evolution with added benefits the the genes and tissue structures of the human body, but only a lot faster." So said that crazy professor to himself in his lab of torments where he experiments with human test subjects without a care for the world. After all, he is a genius with unparalleled brains.

His assistant then barges in interrupting the entertainment before his very eyes. The assistant asks queerly, "Mr. Professor, excuse me professor but I have both good news and bad news to report."

"Speak assistant."

"Yes Professor. Apparently, accelerated mutation speeds up all evolution periods of the Incubated by 300%, it's extremely phenomenal."


"Oh. I'm sorry to say that the accelerated genes and tissues won't hold for long due to their particle instability caused by such a rapid growth rate. So that person behind that glass spectacle won't make it through whatever it is he's experiencing. I'm terribly sorry."

"That is unfortunate news indeed. That's just too bad. We'd just have to try again then don't we Apprentice?"

"Yes sir... But Professor, actually, I do have something in mind that just might work..."

"Come on, what is it son? We don't have all day. Speak."

The assistant inhales deeply for a brief moment, relaxes all his muscles and started speaking as if he was in a trance, "Professor. I conducted some personal tests myself and I found out that accelerated mutation can hold its form if it doesn't go above 150% of its acceleration rate. What's even more intriguing is that the mutation can actually be pushed to perfection by pushing forth the mutation cells to the other connective tissue in a body, spreading it like a virus, therefore balancing out the totality of the evolution. In the speed of above 150%, the movements becomes to fast for even the fastest computer we have to track, and after exhausting all options, I believe that 150% is optimum for the conversion of any being into the beautiful creatures we so desire."

The Professor was amazed, but he hid his expression and asked dryly, "And did you test them on live subjects?"

"Yes. I used all the people I resented back in the old days. It felt easy, abducting them, beating them into a pulp until I was satisfied, and testing with all their bodily cells. Mutilating came easy as well. but of course, I only mutilated the men. I still feel a bit reluctant to destroy parts of the opposite sex. But I just recently slashed a very ancient crush of mine. And yes, again, it came very easy. But of course, I regrew all their organs only to put them through the same pain I've endured all these time from their belittlement of my existence by mutilating them again and again until they went cuckoo. It wasn't all that hard really. When they finally lost it, I follow up by making them into my precious test subjects without need to fear of the day them becoming sober again and vow vengeance upon me. I must say, I had a lot of fun."

"That's good to hear. We don't have much time left on the project. If not, we could have used your idea instead."

"Oh but Professor, if I may add..."


"There was this one test subject that survived all my experiments. He has an evolved exoskeletal with inhuman regenerative rate. He could also now regrow any of his damaged organs after I tweaked with his mutated cells here and there. Maybe he might be able to survive the intensity your process brings instead?"

"Then why didn't you just say that earlier? You fool, don't you know how much time we have left?"

"Yes professor. I'll transport him here right away. And don't you worry about losing him. I have already cloned his genes to reproduce the likes of him in case if we lose the original."

"Looks like you have prepared well."

"I only learn from the best Professor."

"Well said Apprentice. Now, we have much to do. Move along now."

The crazy professor realized that his prodigy has surpassed him. And might have plans on putting him to his end before he become any more of a greater threat to the ultimate genius himself. But he couldn't deny the fact that a perfect mutation can occur, given the optimum amount of time and push for it to be done. It's all about the moment. The momentum. Or the experiment will fail. He must have been too caught up with his own excitement to notice.

He then remembered about the genes and asked his apprentice where he could find it if he wanted to see them for himself, and the apprentice told him that it wouldn't be difficult to locate it, as it was already labelled as Gene 666 on the front rack just across his desk.

The crazy professor rushed towards the aforementioned particulars, found the bottle with that label on it, quickly reached for a syringe in his pocket, and hastily injected the liquid which was from the bottle into his body.

He started scuffling. The bottle dropped and the glass was splattered all over the floor. He groaned. Skin. The skin was turning blood red. His veins and arteries were as clear as they were under a layer of clear water. Only red. Like blood.

Crack. He heard from a certain bone at the back and he fell to the ground as he continued squealing in his self-made torment. All his bones were breaking. He could feel the biting pain as if a dog was ripping away at his bones with a strong gnaw, threatening to completely detach it from the host body.

His body.

Soon, the pain took over his consciousness and the only wish he had was for it to just end. Writhing in pain, his sight went blurry. He felt his fingers exploding. He's not sure if they were still attached to his hands. Amidst all the pain, he could make out a figure covered in a white coat. He immediately recognized his Apprentice and begged him to end his torment by returning him back to normal.

His body then twisted so much that he could look down finding his ass under him rather than his pubic region. It was painful. Indescribably so.

He heard some whispers from his Apprentice. At least they sounded like whispers. He could barely make out anything at all with all the echoing sound of breaking bones and rapidly mutating cells resonating from head to toe. The professor begins to feel very stuffy, heavy, suffocating, and finally his eyeballs shot out along with the jellies of his bloodshot brains. And his world darkened to nothing.

The apprentice smiled. What the professor couldn't hear was this, "I told you that accelerated mutation has its limits. It's all about the timing. It's no different then asking someone to change and pushing him to do it so fast that his mental evolution ends prematurely, resulting in an incomplete motivational mindset. Something you did to me when I was little as my parents died protecting me from you. Luckily I evolved passed all that huh. Ahahahahahaha!"

He hysterical laugh paused momentarily as he felt blood splats on his face and body. He calmly wiped off the gooey liquid of minced-crushed human and walked out; savouring every bit of his vengeance with a laughter even more hysterical than he did previously. He then realized.

He is now a madman.
Irreversible, he accepted his fate,
as his one and only wish for vengeance was granted.


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

117/365-11 Blood Hopes

Some hopes are laden in blood. It seeks to create a new embodiment of it's wishmaker by first crushing it into dust, then whipping it into an abomination, a vessel, that the wisher may call his new soul. Memories shall remain locked. Virtues twisted to form new logic. Beliefs distorted into a new reality. With this, the wishmaker  shall arise a new person, completely untied to the bonds of the past with only the present and future as its foe.

Only far more cold. Evil. Heartless some may call it.
But maybe soulless would be more appropriate.

The wishmaker heard his own voices resonate throughout his mind as his eyes beheld the gem dyed in burning red crimson,

"Nobody truly cares for you in this world. Gone are the days when people truly appreciated the presence of one another. A tainted world this is. Whispers of white lies can be heard from the zounds that spoke. And truth forever kept in the eternal depths of the heart's eclipse. If I were to be changed, why not just ask? Why plot? Why the plan? Is acceptance an old lie told by our forefathers to make us young ones feel misled? So cruel.. so very painful. I was loved. At least I thought I was. But when I asked for the reason, it was all because of who I were to become. It's as clear as sky now.Love was never part of mr. I was only made to believe that I was loved, until I become the hound they so very wished to leash.   

But it'll disgrace my pride if I were to accept this devil magic in me. It will betray every principle I held  even closer to than my own soul. An inner war that has been ongoing ever since the moment I realized that I had thoughts. No. If I ever wanted evil, I shall be evil of my own will. Not with the help of such blasphemous instruments."

He turned his face away of the stone of glowing red, only to find it fading in hue as he distanced himself farther and farther from the object of miracles. His mind was set. The meeting between him and the object created a new destiny for him as it gave him new hopes. Those of no need to shed blood. But ultimately without the need to destroy himself.

In turn. He disappeared. At least made himself appear to have. A little thank you before an everlasting farewell to those whom he felt had betrayed him as he began wandering the world in search of a certain nothingness he so very craved in the deepest depths in his heart.

And for the first time. 
He was free.


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

116/365-11 Mind Burst

Oh that? That's just a fragment of a whole.

K. Maybe it's a bit clearer now.

I was told to simplify a lot of things. So I still prefer my black and white piece.


Monday, April 25, 2011

115/365-11 Dark Lights

Today was a great day despite a certain incident in which the world suddenly whirled in my very view, throwing my coordinations off balance as I feel my parts of me being clamped in between harmless steel which suddenly became maliciously deadly.

A loud thump resounded from a heavy drop. My chin screamed in pain as I saw metallic hounds buzzing towards my direction. I fought with a formless entity as I struggled to put myself to balance from the sudden impact.

That was when I realized that I fell from my bike. And it was due to my left foot missing that one paddle stroke and such was the beginning of an accident.

I received some bruises, cuts and punctures distributed all over my body. Luckily none fatal or crippling enough to hinder me from pursuing my daily norm of life.

Tomorrow comes OTP. That was all I was informed of when I arrived. I was fully prepared to do something the minute I left the comforts of my home and raced my way to see my lecturer, but he asked me to go for the session tomorrow. I was disappointed to find nothing to do.

I was blundered for a moment. Then I reached into my pocket to take my phone out. My boss from Lunchbox needed help for today. I went there immediately after a call designed to inform without any hesitation whatsoever.

As I helped around. I was texted. I smiled. It was the person who brightened up my day. She misheard some of the words I spoke when she suddenly called me out of the blue. But alas, we decided to meet and had a hearty talk over great lunch.

We continued our conversation and said our goodbyes as time calls for her to return to a world she must endure. I could only watch and support her by being alive, here and now.

I made my way home. Today was an exciting day for my family, for they were anticipating a certain dinner with Fatty Crabs. But thanks to a certain belief passed down by the Chinese heritage of medicinal knowledge, crabs and many other seafoods besides fish may cause wounds to worsen and ache with substantial amount of pain. Worse with fresh wounds.

So my mom and I decided to digress from our initial plan and think of a plan B. I didn't feel like eating anything there and then, but since everyone was already excited about the dinner, it might not be the best idea to just put it off just like that. After some long self-pondering, I just went for Italiannes.

We drove there. The pathways were crammed with buzzing wheeled-machines. But we made it. We found a nice cosy spot to park, and as we walked into the pyramid-like-mall, it only occurred to us that we lost our ways. We treaded forwards until we saw Jusco, and we there lied a black board with vivid colours springing out from its screen. My brother surveyed the information.

We then heard a voice. It was a man in a vest of rich red, smiling at us, asking us where were we heading to. We then sought for an answer to our dilemma and off we went to our detination.

It was great. We were ushered from entrance to seat. As we were flipping through the all the many choices, my mom received a ring. My dad. He got lost. The waiter pointed out to me that there was an entrance within TGI's. Queer, but convenient. I walked out and waited.

Father was nowhere to be seen. I called. My phone had a full bar of reception. I tried again only to meet failure. Similar to my mom's right after. I walked back in only to find the same table and people. As I encroached closer to where I was seated, my dad entranced from below, as if giving me a special surprise.

We sat and went through the selection once more. As we contemplated our orders, my eldest brother made his way to the table, along with his lovely partner. We gave our orders and had a very family-like chat. The food arrived and we had a feast like no other. The food was great all the way to the bottom of the plates.

My tummy was satisfied to the brim of its core. And I could tell its the same for everyone else.

I was leaving happily, content, until a text came that completely spoiled everything.

And that was when I felt a surge of disgust and great annoyance flood through me, mixed with juices of concern over what to reply. I tried numerous times. But the compositions I made and tried to save wasn't shown in my Drafts. I cursed. I tried again. And I cursed again. Because it happened. Again.

I tried for one last time, sent it, only to find no reception after saving the composition. And no, again, it was never in the Drafts. I was at the point that I started to feel like something was intervening.

I was fed up. I hounded my laptop and splurted all the words I could coherently compose and e-mailed it in hopes that it would be read my its recipient with a sound mind.

And thus my day ended.

 With the final memory of it being
filled with immense annoyance.

What a way to conclude a post-birthday celeb day.


Saturday, April 23, 2011

Friday, April 22, 2011

112/354-11 Panda Riding Horse Day

Nope, this pic is completely unrelated.
So I was out, with friends. Lots of them. From morning till.. er, the evening. It was fun I must admit. Not to mention the overnight stay at a good friend's place just a day before to like flood myself in work just to get the ball rolling on setting my pathetic pace. Gedolololol.

It's a shame that I didn't have the courage to say this in front of another friend who wore a certain green beanie today day, 'cause she really looked great in whatever she wore. Haha. I donno, I guess I just never saw her dress that way before, and when she suddenly did, I went like WHOA, who's this chic? Do I like know her? YES. She is mah fwen. Gosh I should have just told her.


All that aside, I has happily tortured me stomach with loads and loads of good scrumptious food until my stomach actually felt uneasy for a while haha. No, I mean, it really felt uneasy at time. There was like something poking around my insides and stuff. Man, serves me right for eating so much for 2 nights straight. ?? The day before? Oh, I was helping out at Lunchbox from 7-9pm to fill in while the boss when out for their own errands, and there was dinner, BUTTER CREAM CHICKEN. I was happy to be able to gnaw and chew at such a golden delicacy. But after dinner was done, there was still A WHOLE LOT MORE. And the worst part was, they WANTED TO THROW EVERYTHING AWAY DXDXDXDXDX NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

So I went for a second round naturally. I couldn't take much, but I took enough to make my tummy feel uneasy I guess hoho.

After the first outing, my friends and I, this time a smaller group, decided to go whack some great food at this place called William's, which has no signboard whatsoever, just a side stall 3-4 shacks big with loads and loads of customers pouring in near the old Lim Kok Wing college in uh Ss... ok, not sure. And uh, yeah, cheapest dish is priced from RM10 and can go as high as RM50+ hohohohoho. Average per plate? Klah, got RM30. And damn, it was like the best night out of my life.

So I spent quite a bit today. Generally, this month, I wasn't planning to spend at anything at all, but I guess plans have changed. I has overbudgetted this month's allowance by RM100+ methinks. So... I think I shall tie myself down to non-cash-consuming events for now. I don't regret the spending however. Every penny spent was worth it hahaha.

Just wish it was my own money and not my allowance. But no point brooding over such a matter gedolololol.

It's funny how I initially intended not to go and after a night with a friend, I decided to give myself a chance at it. I must admit, this time I enjoyed the time together with them a whole lot more compared to all the previous outings. Er, no, Shukes mansion is not considered and outing. His one is like the grand finale to the closing of every semester. Uh. I. Think.

What is it that made me happier this time? Hm hm hmm.. such peculiar times. Might it be because of the choices I made? Hm. I can only but wonder. Still, times like this only comes once in a lifetime. It's better to savour every bit of the memory. Definitely the food part added together with the laughing stocks hoho.

K. Bye.


Thursday, April 21, 2011

111/365-11 Did Some Stuff

Was at my friend's place doing a lot of stuff. There's actually more, with my failed typo and everything. But meh, since it's someone else's project, it's best not to reveal anything unless it seems completely unrelated lol.

I'll tell you this one hint though. What in all that's good in this world would looks classy and glam with black and gold? Not even sure if it's only black and gold or it's permissible to mix it with other colours, for as long as gold and black remains. Hmmm... think about it and you might be able to design yourself haha, albeit not that great in the beginning. Everyone sucks at one point in their life right? Heheheheh.

Speaking of which. This silhouette confuses people.
So to give it a chance to be cleared, try and guess
what in the Nine Hell's this thing is? If you want GEDOLOL.

K, that's it for today.


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

110/365-11 I'm gonna finish this later I guess

I think there;s something off with the figure. I'm gonna have to double check with it again.
Going out to do something important tomorrow, so it might be a good idea to rest earlier tonight.



Tuesday, April 19, 2011

109/365-11 Oh, I don't think I've posted this before

Was my initial idea for my Creative Workshop finals. But I changed the idea in the end
and I found it in my stash of unfinished staff so I refined and did this. Yeah.
And yes. Nature really has its own ways of paying things back...

in kind...

Ok, bye nao.


Monday, April 18, 2011

108/365-11 There's just something about Typography

That makes you not wanna let it go y'know. Even now, I'm still thinking about whether the
alignments are alright and the wordings are ok or if the font is... MAN.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

107/365-11 Today is the day to celebrate...

Yes, if this horse could smile, I don't see a reason as to why you couldn't. Heh.
Stay happy?
Testicles rawrnomnom..


Saturday, April 16, 2011

106/365-11 So I got reminded


About how bad I get at my manga styles again when I just do too much visuals. Man. Well anyways, today was the final day for my PCA course peon work. Hahahahahaha.

Then I was doing stuff and there was this lady complaining about her vegetarian food having some sorta egg tofu which was against her diet. Man, should've been more careful picking out the dishes next time. So anyways, my kind of officer just told me "don't worry, you can't please everyone." And just because that magnificent lady opened hers and shared it with her friends, there was one less to give, and the deserver finally came only to know that it wasn't there. What else? I ran to get another for her.

So regarding pleasing people. If you can't please everyone, I'm guessing the best thing to do is always to please yourself or someone very dear to you in the very least aye? Yes. And that is all.



Friday, April 15, 2011

105/365-11 Yesterday a Brick Wall and Now THIS?

Yes. Well, anyways, today our nice lecturer for Advanced Advertising Visual was concluding the class and decided to talk about the four main principles all successful people must have in life; so he says. And without further adue, the 4 are

  1. Beginning, 
  2. Continuous, 
  3. Turnover and 
  4. Ending.

Apparently, according to him, most of us experience 1,2 and 4 but not 3, probably due to the fact that we haven't suffered enough (Uh sir, you ferreal? Crap, he is ferreal.)  So well, according to him, the turnover is a very important part of our life, probably the climax of sorts where we start to evolve like how Pikachu evolves into Raichu with a certain Thunderstone.

So if our life is absent with one of the 4 aspects mentioned above, we're bound to head to some sorta.. uh spiraling boredom. Whatever the case, it's like a guaranteed sure spot in list of stuck ups who'd never accomplish much in life, if you know what I mean. Took me a quite a while to comprehend because he was kinda repetitive about the facts. Me and a student seated next to me shaked our head when he asked if we understood and we smiled sheepishly at each other. Lol.

So yeah. Ok. I guess in a way, he kinda makes sense. He used this example. People who focus on improving every semester, once they focus on improving and only do imrpoving, there's nothing else in the lapse between the Continuous and the Ending, so the Turnover is Lost. So this student's skill might have increased drastically. But he would not attain the necessary epiphany needed to be a big guy out there without the certain turnover event, in which most are triggered by moments of intense despair.

Er. Yeah. Maybe I should've taken his conclusion more seriously. More like, I should have blogged about it in a more serious note. But the way he mentioned it was sorta relaxed and all too. So maybe it'd be best if it's told this way. He was just sharing anyways.

And well, that's that for today.



Thursday, April 14, 2011

104/365-11 Brick Walls

Quite literal aye?
"The brick wall is there to help you keep the others, who don't want something as much as you do, out."
-Randy Pausch from The Last Lecture. 
So yes. We all face daunting tasks almost every now and then that completely wears us down both physically and emotionally. But maybe, if you come to understand this fact, then maybe you might be able to keep a look at the positive track of things instead of dwelling in the endless spiral of neverending demotivates.

Watch it if you want. It's pretty inspiring. But mind you it takes up an hour's plus of your time. Just informing. Just click on the Youtube button on the bottom right of the video to watch on Youtube. I personally find streaming a lot faster when I'm not in the blog where the video's embedded in. Or maybe it's just my recently upgraded Streamyx connection, which doesn't make much of a difference really, accept for it's monthly billing. Pfft.

And recently, there was a good friend of mine who started to make a rather drastic decision about his current course of direction. Nevertheless, I liked the fact that he posted a little something for us to understand something he himself wouldn't easily be able to translate to many of his own peers in his own words. And in support of his decisions, I shall help him spread this idea to everyone else who actually bothers to read my blog. Yes.

It might just be 11 minutes. But it's more informative than the time suggests.

Don't let anything stop you from getting what you want.
'Cause some brick walls are made of flesh.


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

103/365-11 So. I'm Done with my final assignment

What else? Hmm.. Lemme check. Oh, and just a kind reminder from a nobody. For people who are in Optional Advancement, you needn't bother to pay the RM500 down payment. Just make sure you sign up again for your classes before your classes begin. Looks like I'm gonna be with Shaz and his gang beginning next sem. Bye IL0901-1. Ohai IL0901-.. uh 5!

Hm.. just who am I gonna share the airbrush with anyways?

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

102/365-11 The Clouds Yesterday

The clouds yesterday was actually part of my assignment piece...

I figured out a way to resolve a certain laziness from my part. It's nothing big. Just regarding the date at the top right. I donno, I just find it a hassle to type it. So today, er, more like yesterday, I just realize that the Post Options button was always there at the bottom left corner just above Publish Post.. Now how come I didn't notice it earlier? Beats me.

So all I have to do now is just set the time or date however I like and the time stamp shown will be good to go for posting. Convenient enough for me. Too bad no way for me to make it permanent. Maybe there is. Just need to find it somewhere on Blogger perhaps.

Also, it's funny how our parents used to tell us not too take so much sweets 'cause it's not good for us. Well, actually, it's not good for them 'cause when you take sugar as a little child the sugar content combined with such a little body is enough to make you go supra-hyper for god knows when, thus making life for your parents surprisingly difficult during those tiny little moments.

Next time, if you wanna get back at someone with a child around that person, which is being chaperoned by that person preferably, give the child a few pieces of sweets and just let havoc let loose!

But sometimes it just doesn't work at all. Heh. After all, love has its way of creating wonders sometimes.

And I enabled back Anonymous comments here. Just figured that anonymity exists in our world for a purpose, and sometimes, it might do good for things to just left remain unknown. Though, I won't deny I'd still love to know who I'm actually communicating with from time to time. Lol.

Monday, April 11, 2011

101/365-11 Choice

Monday 11/4/2011

Clouds. Grass. Mountains. Muted. Chroma.

There lies a time, where all your world will become gloomy. Not that of a current Japan magnitude scale. But gloomy enough to think a world is coming to an end. Typically the world of oneself. Because the impending thoughts of others begin to flood your mind ravaging you with their ideas as you struggle to remain true to yourself. With you ideas. What you like. What you stand for. The idealism you see that others fail to see. You feel a slight tinge of sympathy for them, for they cannot understand the realm in which you dwell. But far greater is the sympathy you feel for yourself, for there are souls out there that feel the need to distant themselves from you, only to label you as a thought pandemic and warning you to not get too close in order to stay unaffected by your poison.

Influence is a really scary joke. It comes of as harmless when first introduced. After a while though, you begin to feel it taking over your life, just like how some people may have succumbed into fags and crack just to have friends who aren't even true to them. It saddens me to know that such a world exists sometimes. But what can one person do alone?

A lot really. Just by being alive... takes a lot of work sometimes. We're bound to have days of emptiness, fullness and lots of many other inexpressable unfathomable events. But what we don't know is, there is a reason as to why it is in such a way. And maybe. Just perhaps. These tests are here to shape us into a certain direction, a destiny we all know nothing about. But strange enough, you can sense it. You know the feeling. But you don't know what's waiting for you at the end of the road.

This shape. It may come physically, or spiritually; both mind and emotion. Physical shape is by far the most pronounced and obvious, highly affecting your motor abilities as well and physical prowess. Some people come to adore the looks that come with the added physical benefits, not to mention health wise. But there are people who abhor them as well, condemning them all the way. Placing mind over everything.

A sound mind. Everybody wants that if they can help it. Some could do it easily. Some couldn't do it as easily as the others. And some put their missionary goal to live as to achieve a sound mind, just because they can't stay calm at all. Maybe that's why religion exists. Yoga. Meditation. It's a getaway for our mind to relax from reality. If so, maybe religion should just be based on Yoga and Meditation instead, if the sole purpose to live is to achieve a sound mind of course. But it is obvious this isn't the case.

So we think. What we see, we get in touch with, integrates with our mind to be processed only to come out as products called thoughts. It's strange how this factory of thoughts work 'cause sometimes they produce a lot, or rather too much, creating a mess most of the time. Sometimes, they also produce too little, making almost no progress at all if you were putting effort into critical thinking during that particular moment. But what we don't know or don't realize is this. Thought-production is an ongoing process that lasts a lifetime. The speed may differ from time to time. But it never stops.

Then one day, you might come to have a great sense of reasoning. And it'll begin to interfere with the thought making that follows a certain set of laws, but above all, is particularly flexible, for as long as it stays on track with those laws in their each own unique way. So why does reason have to come in and introduce even more laws to make our lives more miserable? Simple. Because we have a heart which governs all our emotions, which in turn, produces the reasoning we have. I always thought the grand basis of what makes a great person is one which has a great and sound mind. Yes, there's no doubt a true fact. But we're missing the fact of how this particular person, manages his own emotions. Having the power over your emotions. Drawing out conclusions of his own life factors with his own sheer wit.

You see, emotions are also like your thought-making factory, the mind. It follows a certain set of laws, and is always ongoing as well. The only problem here is that emotions are often the non-flexible, as it is quite a universal predominant truth that emotions are what embodies your true character, in which science is going to have a bloody hard time trying to figure out because it is simply near impossible to measure. Patterns and strains can be seen and recorded, but for most part, emotions are very much unpredictable.

Why is it that when we are angry, we feel this urge of destruction? Why is it that when we are sad, we feel this urge to let loose? Why is it that when we are happy, we feel this urge to do something great? Well, the list goes on. And I'm afraid I don't have that answer for you, for only the person thyself has the right to determine his own justification for such a thing.

Similar to how other people's ideals clash against another set of others, creating a huge conflict of thoughts. With you being in between, it doesn't make things any easier.

Lets just try an example, not directly related to the above excerpt. Have you ever felt awkward in the presence of happy people when you feel sad? Put any two or more different emotions inside and the awkwardness will always still remain. So in here, this is how people just begin to decide blending into this pack of people with different set of emotions, called a community. And this is how all socials responses begin to develop. The influence has great power in here, for when you choose to blend in, you allow yourself to be easily affected by how others think. Not that it's a bad thing. But if you're not careful, you might end up getting lost with your own self after a while.

Switch the above situation's emotions to ideals, and maybe you might get the picture.

Ideals. Probably the strongest form of logical thoughts. Some impenetrable. Some not so much. But if Ideals are Thoughts in its ultimate form, is it not futile to let it not be impenetrable?

Ideals are like the greatest guidelines we set for ourselves. Mostly because of the fact that our emotions can derail us from who we originally intend to be if it starts to run wild without a proper line of defense. Ideals are probably a set of reasonings that follow through a logical pattern in our mind, which is also fueled by a proper sense of emotions during a certain epiphany of self-realization. When that happens, we begin to justify the most valued parts of our lives, about how we want to live and be as individuals who coexist with other individuals, and make sure that our emotions and other people's sets of thoughts, emotions and ideals don't make too much of an impact to the initial goal of living. From here, it really creates a pathway to who you will become.

So if it's penetrable, one might say that one is open-minded. So much so that the behavioral pattern changes so often now and then that you can't even tell who this person is to you. You can't deny this as you know you might have come across this before sometime in your life. You probably never realized it. But you know you've encountered such a thing before sometime, somewhere.

These people... We can be envious of them for the freedom they have. But they may also be envious of us for having such resolute in our perspective towards life. As to the why, I believe it's only something they can answer for themselves.

But of course, open-minded is varied in terms of its intensity. Those who are too open might become like the aforementioned. But you can't neglect the special individuals who are able to shift and adapt immediately and snap back into the ones they originally were after they have come out from a situation. Similar to spies  to some extent. Though, there are also stories of spies who got never pulled out of their missions.

Which then brings us to the question of if. What if. What if, we could set an ideal that allows us to behave this way? To adapt and still be who we are inside. The only ideals I can think of is to live for the good of humanity and to live for the end of mankind. Or wait... maybe we can use this. To live to preserve a balance?

They are all extreme in its own raw form. But what we might not realize is that we're all tilted towards the 3 directions, just some in greater extents and some not so much. So it's not that odd sometimes to find that there are people who like violence, but help a lot of people, or people who enjoy some form neutrality, either to create a little more good, or a little more bad.

Hold on, if good and bad makes a neutral person, shouldn't there be only 2 directions? I believed so once. But now I'm starting to think that there is a 3rd. Because with just good and bad, you just start to feel like something's missing in between.

Which comes to me thinking of this, which is actually the initial point of me striking this whole conversion of ideas into readable matter. One day, you'd have to decide for yourself which side you're on. And when you do, sometimes you might face difficult moments with others, as they strive to either turn your into their side, or just simply go against you just because you're not rowing the same boat as they are. How you deal with this will definitely change you, be it reinforcing your initial ideals or breaking it apart, resulting in a new one. Of course, there may be times when the pressure is so hard that it forces you to shatter your own ideals, resulting in total admission to defeat unto the other side, forcing you to start anew. When that happens, you'll be in danger of losing yourself. But at least you might be a new person. Just not the way you want yourself to be initially. Some lose themselves just to survive the community. But there are also those who make themselves look like they lost, but are still the same old person he is, not from his actions, but from his very own thoughts within.

It's scary to think that sometimes people may not be what they may appear to be.

And I don't want people to be scared of me because they don't know who I am.

I wonder if that'd ever be a good enough justification for why I want to live as honestly as I possibly could. Because no justification is a final one. Even for science. But we all know what's the answer to that.

Move along friend.
You've got a life to live.



Sunday 10/4/2011

May the smokes be with you.
100th post plan?


Sunday, April 10, 2011

Saturday, April 09, 2011


Friday 8/4/2011

damn. should have checked my resolution. it was waaaaaaaaaay to small.
There were some really impressive works in class. Man. Maybe if I spent enough time in matte painting, it'd have been better.

Hm. There's a new Canopy Walk that's connecting Sunway College to Sunway Pyramid. You can access it from the lower ground flour where JCO's Donuts & Coffees are through the exit to Sunway Lagoon. Just keep to your left. Well, if you'll be using it that is.

Ergh, never regretted playing a game before in my entire life. And I suck at 1st person shooter games. I even slept at 10pm today. God.

At least I managed to memorize Good Night today. DIdn;t know it'd be that easy. Hm.

Friday, April 08, 2011

97/365-11 I have no idea what to do next

Thursday, 7/4/2011
for this assignment.
Bah, I'm gonna stare at it longer and see what I can improve.

Its easy to admit how easy I suck at technical skills because it's obvious an measurable, which is why I'm really hardcore doodling stuff. Doesn't look stellar, but practice makes perfect aye? No, it requires talent as well. 
So, my girlfriend saw the comment about me training her up. And she lol'd. WHUT? YOU SRS? Nope. Not at all. In fact, I'm VRYSRS. She just lold. That is all.

Man, that just truly made my day. And no worries, I asked her permission. Just thought it was a good idea to now inform someone about what I'd be posting if it includes his or her name, or well, where someone could recognize that someone. She also asked who Anonymous(s) were. Hell, I donno who. I have an idea, but without concrete evidence, there really isn't any way to be sure of it aye?

Which is why I turned off open comments. Well, for several other reasons as well. So from now on, if any of you wish to comment anonymously, heh, try the forum style and just call yourself Anonymous 3126 or something. At least I won't have to call you Anonymous 1 or 2 when I reply your comments in the future right? Not to mention how confusing it is sometimes.

And what made me feel happier was when she told me that "Just let it pass lah, everyone has a tendency to think that their saintlier than the other. But the world doesn't revolve around that." Which is pretty much true in my opinion. I donno about you. But I wouldn't let anger cloud the judgement of such good wisdom if I were you.

She said she wouldn't want my friends to hate her as well so she would prefer if I don't say it out. But she said if I really wanted to post it here, she gives me full permission. Not sure if you're all just heated up against me or hating me, but well, she just expressed that concern. So yeah. Whatever made you think I'd be training her up like some animal, man, I can just laud at your vivid imagination, whoever it is you may be. It's really surprising to see what people can think about at times.

And to that same person. Yeah, she was hurt when I gave her that post full blast. But it turned out for the better since it reinforced our relationship after we straightened out all the loose ends in our relationship. I donno about all of you out there, but if you can't come clean about your thoughts with someone you're with, why bother be with that someone at all? Well, we merely just set a line for ourselves that being nice is one thing, but being honest to each other must be given the highest priority. Because if we don't do that, we ask ourselves just how in the world are we going to settle our thousands and zounds of gazillion differences? Staying silent is obviously out of the question completely.

Though, I did unintentionally humiliate her in public. So maybe next time, since she has her own private blog now in which she didn't have back then, I'll post things there instead, if I do have anything to post about.

When a certain friend told me my blog lacked meaningful posts, I tried to make things deeper with all my other post. It did go deeper. But perhaps a bit too deep. Never knew it'd end up like this. Maybe my approach was just plain wrong aye?

Have a nice day.

No, that's a lie.

Have a terrible day.

No, that's an even greater lie.

Just stay normal.
I mean, I'm normal.
Are you?


Thursday, April 07, 2011

96/365-11 Oh how exciting

Wednesday, 6/3/2011
colour study a, night

colour study b, day?? more to come.

photoshop practice. Yay.

Now, moving along to more important stuff. Well, maybe semi-important, since the most important damned thing here is my assignments anyways. Nah, that wasn't a joke.

So I found some amusing things. Comments. Anonymous at that. What they said? Bah, you could go check it out yourself, I'm really to lazy to point out who and what they said w/e. Maybe I would along the way in the post on occasion. 

I really don't know sometimes if I simply abuse misusing words, but it's a fun fact to know that I do. Not sure about other people, but heck if people saw me doing it, it must be correct isn't it?

Same for how other people think about me. There was a time when I said I don't care shit whatever people said to me. Well, we all know that's a tall lie, since everyone is affected by what people say to them. So yeah, I've been thinking a lot lately, and since they see what I blogged about as wrong, it must be wrong aye? Such a beautiful world we live in.

Well, my purpose here today is maybe some sorta apology. Maybe not. But I'm gonna do whatever makes the mass out there happier. If you prefer me not blogging about you anyone you know, oh ok, I won't. Er.. maybe I still will, but I won't include names anymore due to the code of tactness a certain good friend pointed out. It's gonna be in utter absolute discretion. And I can understand why people like the anonymity in commenting. Protects them form harm y'know in a way. So even though I can detect who wrote what, it's easy for them to just lie and deny themselves. They maybe cowards in a way, but they deserve respect for putting their own lives beyond their own mind and thoughts. Too bad I don't do things their way. Hm, I wonder if that's wrong too.

On a completely unrelated note, I have no idea how Shai's comment was marked as spam by blogger.

Anyways, to make everyone's life here (who occasionally drop by) easier. Sure, i'll heed whatever great advice you've given me. It still clashes with my principles, but hey, what are my principles compared to other people's happiness anyways? After all, mine doesn't count much. Living in this world really is just about giving to others dontcha think? Maybe not to you, but these few weeks, I've just been sorta forced into that opinion. Too bad it can't be undone.

So Jacob, I'm sorry I talked about something everyone in class already knew. Just thought it'd be more convenient for you not to have to tell anyone else about your plan. But heck, was I wrong. That's made me a terrible friend aye? No worries, I won't say no more. And maybe I phrased that sentence wrongly the other time. It's not that I was careful not to reveal too much. I didn't reveal anything at all apart from the words that went around in class. But not that it matters now. So yeah, sorry for caring really. Since I'm the only person who blogs about people how they don't blog about me in their own blogs.

And I'm shattered beyond audible means that all this happened because I talked about Jacob. Maybe for other reasons too, but as far as I can see it, it's mainly just that. Heck, i don't even know how Jacob feels about this. But whatever right, your thoughts are like his anyways, so you could all probably tell what he's thinking. Hush OSLA! How dare you even say such things! Do you even know your place? Geez.

So not even another word about Zen, or Shai or C for that matter. Today I shall openly declare to close my open thoughts for the good of all mankind for the sake of everyone who cared about me. Since I'm really too much of a radical thinker for my own good. About other people mainly. With names. And it's high-time I realized that. Childish am I not? People tell me that a lot. Maybe I am. I donno. C did mention I was a very extreme person. Either extremely happy, or extremely serious. Oh no worries, this is gonna be the last post you're ever gonna be seeing anyone's names or nicks in.

But for most part, I'm just really sorry I'm such a different person compared to all of you. People tell me to be open-minded, which I am for most part. I donno so much about other people though. Heh, I might just be the most god-damned stubborn guy around. Thanks dad. Oh wait, this has nothing to do with him.

How am I gonna post in the future? Heck, I donno, it's all up to my non-reading readers now since all your thoughts are more important than mine. Heck, if someone did tell me to just close down my blog, I might just believe it's wrong for me to exist in this warphole of cybermedia aye? Uh, Osla, you're being a bit too extreme dontcha think? Actually, I'm thinking more like everyone else is being a bit too extreme. But not that it matters anymore aye? People just think I'm the wrong one, therefore I am. Hm, I could see how juries puts a verdict on a convict now. But meh, I might be a fool but I'm certainly not that stupid. Wait, maybe I just might be. Haha.

After all, someone introduced me to a certain dictionary online. I must be stupid. If not, it'd be the end of the world I tell you.

And boy, could I possibly blog about something, read it back and actually feel an immense feeling of dislike towards it? Hm. I did. Numerous times. Forgot which. But there were times I felt like that. Its fun to know sometimes that there are parts of myself that I'm completely unaware of until I read back a certain experience I've had. Well, too bad they ain't happening no more.

What I'm asking? Heh. Nothing at all. Not like I'll ever be in any position to ask anyways. Since I probably know... pretty much how my requests are gonna turn out. But if there's anything, stay happy aye? But I'm sure you all are so it doesn't make much difference even if I ask y'all to.

Well, that's that. Wait, since this is my last open post, is there anything else I would want to say?

Hmmm.... well, apparently as a human being, I have no rights whatsoever to state an opinion about someone else's business. Even if I cared eh? Well, not that it mattered. I'm too stubborn for my own good anyways.



Nah. What I think doesn't matter anymore. Oh, ok. There's one thing. If y'all even happen to have a shred of kindness in all of you, do one thing for me ok? Don't even try to comfort me in any way because I'll probably get pissed if you do. Nope, I'm not saying you can't laugh in front of me or whatever. Meh, feel free to be whoever you are. In fact, I hope y'all stay the same since the only defect here is me. Really, it's none of my concern who you are. My only concern is who I am isn't it? Since I'm only supposed to mind my own business. 

But just a word of caution, if you do things like pat my back and tell me things like "I'm sorry for what happened" or thing like "just stay strong kay?" or any other lines that might come off as the same sorta empathy, I'll most certainly lash out. Inside my heart of course. Making a scene won't do any good, even if that's what I really wish for sometimes. Well, if tormenting me makes you any happier, by all means, feel free to do so. But I think you oughtta spend your precious time elsewhere no? 

And I have a confession. I'm a very violent person actually. Took me a while to suppress that side of me. I just hope I don't hurt anyone physically. But it's a negligible detail about myself.

Anyways, if you wanna prove your facts are right, stick up for it and don't show me empathy and think or do otherwise. All humans are hypocrites. Just don't be the worst of the block. I know I'm probably the worst already since my code of ethics is rotten down the drain. But at least I'm proud to say I've lived a completely honest life till today eh? Maybe not so much tomorrow and everyday after, since sometimes, we need to lie continuously just to keep our false perception of what community is, safe.

And just to clear your minds. Nope, I'm not holding any grudges, nor am i depressed or saddened. I'm not even feeling the slightest bit of angst. Just a lot of disappointment. But meh, it's ok. It's not my first time being disappointed. I'm not feeling that happy too. I'm just working hard now. So.

I know I wasted some of my time thinking too much already, 
so don't do the same for yourself. Make yourself a big favour
and shower all the time you can into the most productive thing
you can think off. You already wasted 3-5 minutes in my blog.
So it's time for you to move on.

Let bygones be bygones aye?
Hmm. I wonder.

Have a really nice day. Really.
Don't worry, I'll find a way 
to trick myself to be happy.

It'd be wrong to say this, 
but heck, since it's my 
last open post. 

What do you care right?
As long as I don't post about you.
Or anyone you know.
It's all about minding your own
business right? I'm minding my own now.

Are you?



Tuesday, April 05, 2011

95/365-11 I said...

Tuesday,  5/4/2011

If there would ever be a miracle for me, it'd be the day I could apply my experimental ideas in RO into actual real work practice. And whaddaya know. I kinda.. did?

I told myself I sucked at metals. So I tested some theories.
It looks metallic enough. But could be better in many other ways.
Either way, I've accomplished what I want for this.

yesterday's outline coloured. Lect said ok.
But too childish/kiddiebookish/manga/lively.
Doesn't fit the context of seriousness.

Fine. Srs.

Hi Sir Richard Branson. This is a fan art study sketch
of your amazingly sublime facial features.

I am satisfied. 
I shall begin some other stuff when I wake up.
Didn't attend Chen Soon's yumcha invite.
Walked around Jusco and found a table I liked.
Considering to buy.

But most probably not.



Monday, 4/4/2011


Maybe the feeling's not right.

Oh well, keep working.


Monday, April 04, 2011


Sunday, 3/4/2011

Today just wasn't the best day for me to work, either way, need to continue regardless.


Sunday, April 03, 2011


Saturday, 2/4/2011

Mmmm.. PCA Course. Too many people came unannounced. 200 jumped to 268. Anyhow, busy day. Sketched in between, never actually bothered to finish it after returning home.

But I played RO for a while and actually got so stressed with the game that I gamed-out and went to sleep, because I made a really really stupid mistake that costed me. A LOT.

Gonna do work tomorrow.

Saturday, April 02, 2011

91/365-11 Possibly No More Grad Campaign

Friday 1/4/2011
I like that chic. She pretty.

new assignment brief be about KL going kaboom with giant
ball monstah roboto. So I go DragonBall GT. Inspiration.

Sketches that I strained myself to do under a short time limit
while pacing myself with Desire For The Sky. It's pretty fast-paced
after all.

Refined ideas after approaching lect for opinions.
4 out of 12 got approval ticks. Not too bad I guess.

Ok. Maybe I was too extra hardworking today. Anyhow, speaking of grad campaign, maybe it'd be replaced with internship instead? Oh well beats me. If anything, there's always the student portal to check out anyways. What I hear might just be a rumor spread amongst fellow TOAsians on FB anyways.

Had Sushi Zanmai with my gf just now. Made my tummy really really happy. Wish I could eat there more often. But I burnt RM90 already in my wallet. So maybe next time in a not so near future. No worries though, it's a treat for her birthday. After all, I think if I got her a present, it might have costed at about the same price. So yeah, it's worth it I guess. And yes, I know it's my monthly allowance. But if I can stretch my own buying power and utilize it for other personal things with all the spare I can have, I don't see why not. I've always tried saving up as much as I can. But now, i'm just making myself think about what i want, need and see if I have some leftover from my whole allowance as savings. Because being stingy on art materials won't particularly get me anywhere but less stock for work, and it's not like I eat like a king everyday. I have no reason to. After all, if you eat good food everyday, won't there be a chance that you'd actually grow tired of it?

So these few days, I've been thinking a lot. And I think I'm finally ready to put my thoughts down to words. Partially because I wanna make sure that I'm doing what I think is right, and not what other people think is right to them.

I offer my humblest apologies to those of who I may have offended and who I might be offending. But just to let you know, I may be apologizing, but I never regret posting any of my previous information on my blog.

Ok, here's the thing. I think I've already mentioned about what I felt towards Shai and Zen's comment in a certain post on Thursday just in case if you're still new at this, but mainly Zen's since he seemed so blatantly disappointed with me despite his sarcarstic approach. And what amazed me more was that he posted on Mikuzen about it instead rather than his own blog. Hmm. I just find it unusual. He usually separates this kinda stuff. But it might be completely unrelated to my case. So anyhow, he posted another post and mentioned about how long he hasn't been blogging about anything non-vocaloid. So I'm thinking it's either he forgot that he posted about that thought, or he meant to put in on his blog, but instead posted it in Mikuzen by mistake. Or maybe it's just one scenario that I'm not familiar with. So whatever I guess.

But that's not what I'm getting at.

When they commented, I replied back strongly because I felt that something was very wrong here. I know I didn't do anything wrong. But then again, I've seen examples of them doing the same in their blogs before, just maybe not that outright or anything. So I was really taken aback. Maybe the more appropriate reply for have a good day sirrrr was to say oh why yes your Majesty. Because if they can tell me that I shouldn't mind about other people's stuff because it's wrong, can one really say that it's alright to tell me that it's wrong to bug other's when they're actually doing the same when they comment to me? But I must admit, the latter is responsive. In my case, it's more like i'm doing it without the other's knowledge. And I am.

Anyhow, if I just reacted sheepishly sarcastic, this train of thought won't appear now would it? I guess a gesture of gratitude is in order.

Sidetracking from that, these days, I'm starting to feel like people want me to be like them. I'm not sure if it's regarding blogging ethics or whatnot. Maybe other things as well. Most probably why Zen gave such a strong comment. Yeah. So maybe I should reenact my statement for how I blog.

If you recall my old header, it said on the description "this is a highly unethical blog, proceed at own risk." Maybe having it there back then made a difference. Because it wasn't a lie. It's a fact and I shall highly reconsider putting it back up.

In my blogging integrity and beliefs, I put truth and personal opinion above ethical means, because I don't want ethics to be the judge of what I want to write. And I've been doing that and just that from the day I decided to just go ahead in my own world of blogging. Yes, my own world of blogging. It is my world. Just the difference here is that there are spectators who participate in the viewing of my world, and sometimes share opinions with the world's creator, me. That's really all I meant when I said that I can't help it if people want to read my blog, because I've decided to make it public, and I'm keeping it that way because I only want people who want to read my blog because they want to and nothing else. Only different thing here from other blogs made public out there is that it's not so much on the ethical side. Because if you want to convey a particular message that is strongly tied and bonded with emotions, you can't afford to let ethics get into the way. If not, just how many times are you gonna beat around the bush anyways?

More like, just when are you gonna be completely honest with yourself and the world?

I want whatever I blog about to be just from me and purely me whether if it's from my head, heart, soul, body, whatever. Ethics is ethics. But my blog. Not so much consisting of ethics. But that doesn't mean that I disregard the emotions of others. I still care about how other people feel. But I put up what I want to say as top priority. If there's a misunderstanding, good, it'll be cleared. If it's a discovery, better, it can be shared. So in a way, yes, I'd rather post about my thoughts even though knowing that it may not be accepted by everyone in a calm manner. If it offends them, what the hell y'know. It's my thoughts right? If you don't like how I feel about something, you can always just offer your suggestion, or walk away silently in peace. But meh, people just love to drill thoughts into others minds. Well, hello hello.

Well, why'd I wait this long to post again anyways? Because I started to think that people don't give a shit about what I say and they just want me to be more like them. It sorta just disgusts me in a way that it reminds me of the old Gold, Gospel, Glory thing from history whereby the white people want to teach non-white people how to be more civilized. And well, I pondered a lot on what I should be saying here to make sure I don't offend anyone at all. But I don't think it matters anymore. I need this out raw and clean. I'd rather be honest than to give generous lies just to protect one's feelings. I donno, I guess that's just who I am.

My gf was also talking to me about this today just before she drove back home. And she cleared some parts up for me. So I'm clear on what I want to say now.

I became defensive, mainly because I thought I was right. I could've been wrong. But I need to at least stick up to my idea first, since I never saw those comments coming. Why you ask? It's simple really. I'm not sure if they remember, but I think they've done similar things before. Maybe not through blogs, but verbally or on social networks. It's not much very different from what i'm doing. And what actually poked at me the most was when Shai told me that I should stay out of other people's business. This is the thing. Am I involved with that person's family? No. Am I caring for that person needlessly? No. Am I directly involved with his social life whatsoever? No. I simply state what I've observed. Done. Period. Nothing else.

Now, what's wrong with that? If someone conducts an inference upon dissecting a live frog, and states his observations, you wouldn't call that minding it's business correct? Actually, it should be. You'll be dictating how it'd live for those small brief moments later after cutting the torso open in the name of scientific discovery. But just because it's just a frog, I donno, humans seem to be ok with it.

Here on the other hand. I just hear and see things, and state what I think about another person or how a certain situation is. Am i meddling with that said person's business? I don't think so. It's similar to the difference between witnessing a funeral, have some thoughts about it and walk away while mentioning it by passing to one of your acquaintances and witnessing a funeral, join it, interrogating all those grieving souls dressed in black to quench your thirst for needless curiosity.

I'm may be a curious person. But I'm not that radical to that extent. I talk about people. I'm nosy. I busybody. But I certainly don't go about in other people's business that deeply. Hold on, I am deep. But I don't go in deep enough to insert myself into one's life just to see that he/she changes according to how I hope for. I don't think that's right. In fact, I think nobody out there in the world wants to have someone to tell them what they should be doing and how they should live. Everyone has a freedom of thought. So do I. I merely express my opinions about someone. If he/she disregards it, then it's her choice. I'm not forcing an idea or implication. I'm suggesting. That is if that person even stumbles upon my blog by slight chance. Just what are the odds really?

So fine. Blog for myself for the rest of my life aye? Forgive me if I'm wrong Zen, but there was this one time, a very long ago, you told me not to care about what people say about my blog and continue blogging anyways. More importantly, you showed me how dumb it is to retract a post from the blog after letting people read it out of shame. That taught me how to have this sense of self-respect to myself. To honour my own opinions. And to not allow people to step over you just because they said they didn't like my post.

Maybe you never intended for me to swing that way after telling me that. But it grew to me that way. On another note, weren't you wishing from time to time you could have that certain strength to just blurt whatever comes to your mind and not care about what others may think if they read your blogpost? I highly doubt that sort of envy radiates from me at all now, considering how I am so low in comparison with your high ethical blogging standards. No. You never said that. But that's what I feel you're trying to imply from your rather strong comment.

So yes, from what you said earlier that maybe your standards to what makes up the norm in your opinion is different. I agree. I don't think you're the same person I used to know. Or understood. People change. And for you, I can see it for the better. Because really, from what I'm hearing from others, be it Shai or some other acquaintances, despite your many stressful epilogues, people talk about you and how great you are. How it really is for you, i donno. It's not like you just conveniently told me everything. So how am I to know anyways? So I just pick up bits and pieces on info I can afford to get and just come up with my own logical conclusion. I'm sure I'm not the only person who does that. So yeah.

And I know from experience that you're not the kinda lad who'd brag very much. Which is probably why you kept pushing on improvements rather than staying lax as mentioned in your posts. And I respect that. Because that's also what I'm trying to pursue. And with me trying it myself, I know it's not easy, but it's definitely not impossible. You did it even when you told yourself continuously that you could've done better. And I'm just trying to imitate that greatness I see in you.

So yes. I do admit that I blog for myself. I don't particularly mind even if I'll be doing it after I enter the afterlife. Whether there are readers or not is not my concern. I just need a place for me to project my thoughts out. Whether or not people actually read it is a different case. I hope people'd read them. At least they'd know a certain person named Osla existed once and his ideals are such and such throught the xx years of his life. He's a stubborn and strong-headed person who doesn't care much about how people might react towards his posts. He's just a very raw and bold fellow. In blogging that is. In his life though... I guess there' little to be spoken of since I don't know him in person. That's that.

And yes. I'm gonna do whatever the hell I want to do with my blog. And there really isn't a single way for someone to avoid reading my blog. It's just a matter of time anyways. Or well, what are the odds of not noticing my blog completely? I guess stuff like that happens too.

Many thank yous are in order for your kind intrigue.

Another queer fact. That day when I was at your house. You had that new visual novel. Eden was it? Then I brought up Rex and you got infuriated. Saying that I brought him up in the midst of such a delish game with lots of eyegasms was such a sore. Maybe not that direct. But that's how I interpreted what you told me that time. I could understand that you'd want to play your visual novel in peace. But when we were always together with the rest, when they mention Rex by passing, you seem to really enjoy talking about him cynically. Which made me brought it up in turn, mainly because I've run out of things to talk about during that particular moment, and that was the first thing that came through my mind. I really never knew it could piss you off that much. I apologize for that.

Wait, I already did.

What I mean here is, you could have at least told me that you were just playing along with the idea of Rexist jokes just to have a share of the crowd's fun while you're with them, but when you're not with them, you'd prefer not to bring him up. If that's really how you feel that is. Assumptions is one sided and it can only go this far. But nevermind. You pissing off taught me more than just that. And since then, I don't think I ever brought up Rex again in front of you. Unless if it was with the old Art Fund. mates. But then, what are the odds of you actually telling me about something anyways? It's not like we walk back home together almost everyday after school anymore.

And to everyone else reading this post. Just because you do certain things in your blog doesn't mean you're 100% right. Because I'm not too. But whatever it is, every blogger has their own individual perception. Respect that and do not cross their boundaries. What I mean by that is, to not expect another blogger to be a blogger like you just because you think that person should be more like how you do things. Well, unless if that said blogger so happened to be seeking advice from you about blogging, I don't really see a reason as to why not.

There. More things for y'all to digest if you care enough to read everything word by word. I don't particularly enjoy reading a long wall of text that stretches all the way to the moon too. But I make myself do it anyways. Because I want to know a meaning to each blogpost by others. Some people put them up in smart subliminal ways, itching for people to solve a logic puzzle. As for me? Sorry, but I'm just a very outright person. That is all.

No sweat.
Nothing serious.
I shall enjoy blogging for myself for the rest of my life.


Have a nice weekend.