Thursday, August 25, 2011

236/365-11 Ergh...

When I die one day, I would want to be able to die leaving a happy smile as I draw in my final breathe.

Uh, excuse the feet. Andrew Loomis is just too awesome.

But that's not the case for today. It was because I made the biggest most stupid mistake of the entire morning. It was about mom. She helped to wake me up this morning, and all she asked for was how to scan something, and I flared at her with morning rage, something that I oughtta learn to control the next time it happens. I donno what came over me, but there was a flash of nonsensical nuisance sending its negative vibes towards my brain, still telling me that I'm in semi-hibernation mode and loathe the reality of waking up from slumber when my body has not even had it's share of good sleep to its maximum capacity yet.

Just like how an unfinished storyboard doesn't convey a complete message.

There are certain mornings when you wake up, you felt as though it was a terrible day, and with that kinda mood lingering, what you do to the first thing you see or hear is highly unpredicatable. How I only wished I could've exercised a bit more restraint to some of the words or emotions I've uttered unto my mom when she came to me for help. She's not a fool. She knows, and from the looks of her face turning all silent and solemn, it's a proven fact that I've hurt her. She might not tell, but it's visible to me.

Like doodles that are downright doodlish.

I'm gonna give her a hug. And apologize to her. I have to. She's done so much for the family and I, this shouldn't be the way any son should react to his mother. Her being computer illiterate isn't her fault. She has showered almost 80% of all her time to us, what time does she even have to practice even the slightest keyboard tapping and computer functioning? All her 20% is then spent on her sleep, praying, and guess what she prays for. Family peace.

I lashed at her again when she told me my computer was stuck. It was just the standby interface in which you just have to click my username and we'd be back into the desktop. But the way I said it made her sound like a dumb old goof, which I didn't mean to. But I can't really retract those words now. It's gonna resonate in my mom's head for a while.

Sometimes, I do admit that it's frustrating to go about the things over and over again like how to use the start menu, how to click, what to avoid when surfing the net and whatnot. No, it is frustrating. But I've kept it cool all these time and of all the mornings, just why this morning? I shouldn't be complaining. At all. When she asks me how to do something, I'll just explain to her. And no matter how many times she asks me of the same thing, I'll keep on answering her, and do that for as long as I can. Because not many children have the privilege of repaying back the invisible debts they have to their parents, even if its in a small and tinyway. I don't ever want both my parents to end up like the mother in Qian Bu Gou Yong 2, if you even know what that is.

When I'm completely sober, I can safely say that I have at least an 80% control over my emotions. I just hope that the subconscious 20% doesn't flare up again every now and then. But if I do, I should make it a point to at least say sorry after immediately realizing it.Better yet, I need to learn to have better control of it.

I know it's selfish of me. But I wanna die with a smile, not dying with that one greatest regret in my head. Something that could've been an easy thing to do, yet if done wrongly, will leave a scar that burns ever more so brightly, searing the soul's flesh from within. This might have also been the case for my ex. It's no wonder we're both separated now. I'm such an asshole. I wonder how she even put up with me all this time. But I guess she just got really tired in the end with being caught in between her mom and me. I said I wouldn't blame her and yet see all the blogposts I've made after she left me. Actually I left her. But she pushed me towards another decision she didn't wanna make, as though asking for it straight on. I was infuriated, disappointed, and I gave it to her bluntly Because it was as though she always wanted me to have the blood in my hands. And also because whatever she said to me, my mind read it is she only loved who I was going to be, and not who I was or am. I'm pretty sure she isn't happy. But neither am I. It was a very difficult decision for her to make. I understood that yet why have I been so foolish? I'm such a difficult person. To anyone in general. 

To everyone who's reading this post today, if I've ever hurt you in any way howsoever, be it in the past, right now as you read, or the soon to be future, it might not be much, but you have my deepest sincerest apologies.

And to end, I shall share a video of Steve Jobs.


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