Sunday, September 04, 2011

246/365-11 The Heated Argument

So, I saw this picture again when I happened to turn on my phone after turning it off. Like Incomplete, it didn't seem to matter much at first. But now it just reeks of annoyance. And it just makes me not want to think about it. But to allow any of you to see a pretty bit of the picture of what I'm experiencing, well, I'll let my monologues clash with each other.

Lies. All of them. She says that she loves me, leaves me not but she gives up in the end. Where's the truth in that? All of them just a bunch of false ambitions and empty wishes. All she wanted was for the perfect man for herself. A mold for her to sculpt into what she sees as an ideal person. Not to love, accept and embrace one's weaknesses and strengths.

Dude. It's not like you don't understand her situation. She's clamped in a very pressured balance between her mom, you and her studies. It's a tough position. It's not like she wants to be like that y'know. If you love her, than stop thinking stupid things.

But how is it that it's always seems like I'm pulling the weight and she's always just trying to break it up? I really just can't stand people who can't be responsible in their own relationships. Especially when I've given so much trust in her, to just do her best. But instead, it was met with hostility and distrust due to her own insecurities. Like I don't have any. But do I fucking show them? No. Because it's irresponsible to your partner if you did that. And I never want to treat her that way. But what does she give me in return? The exact opposite.

Hey, like I said, she's in a tough situation. It's her first relationship y'know. Give her a break man. I know its your first too, but dontcha think you're being too hard on her by giving her total silent treatment? And what's that till 2020? My god, if there's anything that's ridiculous, it's gotta be you. I mean. yeah, she might have hit a nerve when she just walked off that time. But dood, she only did that because she knew it was pointless to talk to you. Your own ego preceded your good qualities, and that was why she was so frustrated and decided to walk off.

No DOOD. That's not the point. She walked off because she knew I was reacting funnily to all the same things she's been repeating over and over again. Stupid meaningless things about the future and stuff. And I just happened to watch a lot of Korean dramas before I met her that day, which might have explained why I had such animated expressions when she was doing the same'ol stuff again. And how the fuck can "not being into motivational books" meant that you are wasting your time? Just because I'm not reading'em books doesn't mean I don't have any fucking dreams of my own. And that not reading them definitely does not mean that I'm not trying to be motivated. There are many other ways to get motivated y'know? Motivational books are just one of the many ways there are to self-motivate. I just gave a pass at the notion of reading motivational books. But that doesn't mean I loathe reading them or anything. The books she gave me were great reads too. But I just like reading other kinds of things when I have the free time. Is that even wrong? So what, she has to change every hobby I own into hers? How the fuck does that even help a relationship?

Ok, calm down man. She's only saying that because she cares about who you'll become. Look at it this way, who wants to spend the rest of their lives with some stuck up hobo loser of a person anyways? It goes both ways I think. You wouldn't want to be stuck with a girl like that too right? And I think she was just trying to get a common ground with you, albeit the approach she used might not be the best way ever, but hey, now you can't say that she didn't bother to try. You yourself proved that you were a tough person to approach. Just imagine the courage she needs to muster everytime she wants to ask you for something. You're a very scary person you know Osla. You oughtta realize that and start changing from the better. Or you'll never be a better person.

Dood. That's the least of my concerns. Even if she's stupid, if she doesn't talk about breaking up all the time despite all her falsities and still love herself, fuck, I wouldn't be so fucking frustrated right now. Please man, talking about "how incompatibility distances us" is the worst excuse you can ever give anyone who you're trying to go out with. That just says you're not trying hard enough all over you. Why can't she just be firm with her decisions? She can be so strong-headed with her direction in medicine but not something as simple as us? How is that even possible? And why must she always push me to make all the little decisions for her anyways? It's as though she doesn't wanna put any effort in it.

Idiot. She's relying on you you goddamn buffoon. Isn't that what all girls do when they trust someone? And here you go telling people she doesn't trust you. And man, she only let you make all those small decisions because she didn't know what to suggest and was afraid that you might not like it. She is very insecure after all. And she doesn't want to offend you. And hey, lets face it man, incompatibilities do matter sometimes. In the long run, it's gonna affect the couple sooner or later. But then, you're right about trying harder. But still, I don't think this is the best way to settle things, especially with your emotions going haywire like this. No, explosive is more like it. You're like a bomb. And she was smart enough not to let herself be any part of the collateral damage.

Didn't know my ass. I encouraged her all the time. But it was always met with a negative response. All I ever wanted was for her to just try. Sooner or later, she was gonna make me make the big decisions anyways. And she managed to push me to that day. Again, instead of her deciding something, she gave me 3 options, talk things out to her and stay together, break up, or just wait for the right time to come. That's it? You're just gonna let me decide again? FINE. And I just pulled the plug because I'm just so fucking tired of her always making up the same bullshit over and over again. I can understand if anyone's worried about the future. But not the extent of jeopardizing one's relationship. Heck, I might have teared up a lot during my down moments. But never once have I ever mentioned anything about us breaking up or how bad it is to be with her and how it makes any of our life any more terrible. But her? No. Almost every fucking time when she's depressed, she'd think about how pointless it is to be in a relationship and convince herself that it is not worth putting any more effort into it. So then what, I have to pick up the pieces just because I'm the guy? Fuck, so how, if we're married the next time, she'll bring up divorce everytime she feels like she can't hold on anymore? That's just plain sore bullocks man.

Hey, you do know that she was raised differently than you do right? She had a very bad family history, and her mother's stern upbringing didn't help her social skills up in any way whatsoever due to her anti-male conspiracy plan. She is confronted with different circumstances compared to you, and instead of you asking her to understand you, why don't you just try to understand her instead? Stop whining and complaining about things and just man the fuck up man. And dood, when she's down and asking to break up, it's girlspeak for comfort me. You said you understood women, but looks like I was wrong about you. Half gay my ass. Full ass, definitely.

Excuse me? How does family relate to anything about us? Heck, this is OUR relationship, not her mom's, not my dad's, not her friend's, not my cousin's BUT OUR own fucking relationship, which was supposed to disregard every other bloody souls in the world. It's about us, supposed to be about us, and nothing else comes in between. Everything was forgivable for me, until I realized that she always, ALWAYS, without fail, allow herself to make stupid assumptions and decisions about things concerning us when a relationship was supposed to be about 2 bloody people, not 1 separate individual. Aren't couples supposed to decide things together? Geez man. It's not like I won't be able to console her again. Consoling is the easiest way of solving the problem temporarily. Trust me. Just to see it coming back again and again. I tried so hard, and what does she do? Give up so easily? WTF. She can tell me all about how we're different and whatever bullshit interest we don't have in common, but FUCK, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME? I highly doubt that she actually loves me. She just loves herself. And that's that. Oh, and you wanna know something else more ironic? She can be such a great speaker in front of everyone, but she doesn't even try to be open to people, and then she complains about not having much friends just because she can't talk well to people.

Whut? Dood that's just weak man. Unfair too. Especially that last statement. Just because she can be a confident speaker doesn't mean she can be good with people by herself. It's two different things entirely. It's like saying that rich people are always good with counting money. Oh we all know that's not true. Some rich people can't even count nuts. And you also mentioned how she can be so driven in her medical studies but so wary of her relationship with you. It's the same concept. She knows where she's headed. She just doesn't know if you can be at the same destination with her in the end. And you say this? Shame on you. I can understand how you feel about reaching a common consensus between couples, but aren't you being a bit too overbearing with your own frustrations? Just imagine how she feels every single aching time she sees you like this. What if you were the one seeing her like that. Would you be frightened by yourself? I sure think so. She always told you to control your temper for your own good. Heck, even mom tells you to. But what do you do? You lash out at everything anyways. Good grief Osla. I know it's almost as frustrating to see her crumbling from time to time waiting for you to pick her up, but what you're doing, it's just not right man. Just stop making a fool of yourself. You may be a somewhat smart and intelligent person, but that doesn't mean all the things you do are always right. Stop sulking and suck it up already. The relationship it's not her entirely her fault. You are to blame for it as well. So stop pushing all the blame on her. She's had enough of already I reckon. So really. Just stop. It's not making things any better. It just makes things worse. And remember what a fellow commentor said about you shaming people on public? Anyone can read this fucking blogpost and frame her for all your misconceptions of her. How is that even right? Stop being such an ass of a person and look yourself in the mirror before you start pointing your finger at others. You say she makes assumptions about everything, and here you are assuming things that you don't even know about her. Don't you even dare talk to me back about fairness Osla. I know you more than you do. And I suggest you shut the fuck up and move on.

As expected. You don't even try to understand. GTFO of my head.

Haha, that's not the first time I here you say that to anyone. And me? Understand? You? You serious? Dood, do you even deserve that after how you've treated her all this time? And understanding you is the last thing I'm ever gonna do, because I'm here to knock your senses back to reality and stop daydreaming in depressionland. You understanding me is the last thing I'd ever need. You know I don't need you. But you know you need me. Because I'm the only thing holding your loose  sanity checked and helping you get through day after day of your self-inflicted torment. I'm just here to point out what needs to be said. You always said you're evil right? That's actually me doing the work. Because I really am a ruthless embodiment of your sheer darkness. But this evil is only available for you. Because without me, you won't even know what strength from weakness, and courage from fear would mean in your life.  I'm just the consciousness that you'd always hate because y'know I'm always right more often than you ever well. Because you're always ignorant and shallow. It's not that I'm open-minded or wiser than you. But if anything, I just see things a whole lot differently compared to you. How do you think you were able to understand others' easily by just observing them? Curious isn't it? That's me. Not you. You can't even do shit by yourself. Lets just see how you fair once I'm really out of your life. Ohohoh, I'm pretty curious to know myself. Maybe I just might.


Oh don't worry, I'll be glad to. Don't say I didn't warn you though. Goodbye dopehead. But if you ever need a hola, don't worry, I'll be glad to throw you a sucker punch anytime.

Um, I did mention that it was annoying right?


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