Wednesday, October 26, 2011

298/365-11 Simple Wonders

So this one time last Friday, I had a short brief meet with her. It was one of our short
and simple meetings that felt sweet and not pushy that felt kinda nice and warm.
That day, she passed me an Art Therapy book she borrowed from her library.
And before we walked away from one another, she also passed me this nice
pink notebook with sparkly glitter all over it. And when I opened it up, it felt
like I was brought back to all those days. That first month on how everything
began and progressed. I'm somehow ashamed of myself that I didn't save all those
messages in my phone, and yet, someone did.

Memories, captured in pencil and paper. So beautiful yet simple.
Nothing an artist can do. But something any sincere heart can.

This... Haha, was that stupid message I sent when it felt like it was doomsday that day. urgent message I sent
to her that night, when I realized that an opportunity like that wouldn't come to me again twice.  Wanna know
something cool? She actually didn't see the message at all, until the last like 5 minutes of my waiting. And
then she rushed down to see me, albeit appearing quite calm. But she couldn't really hide her shivering legs
from sheer nervousness. I was stuttering like mad too when I spoke the first few words. XD

This... she, I, we, were both afraid that one day, we might come to dislike each other after revealing our true natures to
one another. I told her that that's what learning from one another is all about, and if worst come to worst, hey, we tried
right? Things just didn't work out. And guess what. IT DID. For a while. And thank god I made that  post from the other
time. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have cried, and we wouldn't have gotten back together. Haha. Funny stuff.

Sweet insecurities. But it was a good thing I made up my mind in time. In the end, the choice was pretty obvious, right?
I still love the other girl, although I already sent it to the darkest depths of my conscience. But what mattered was
who did I love and cared for more/most in the end. And the answer was right in front of me. An unnecessary question
for an already answered problem. ^^

OHHH, THIS! This was after the 1 week period before we officially became a couple, 'cause when we first confessed
to one another, we both decided and agreed to test each others waters first, to see how things went and all. Then on
Wednesday, I think, I decided to abandon all feelings I had for the other girl, who I was still waiting half-heartedly
and focused on this beautiful person who was right in front of me. Haha... thinking about that day just reminds me
how awesome that decision was. I couldn't be bothered now about what might've happened if I didn't whatever back then. Lol.

Hehe. Our first couple rule.......Shit. I think I broke this rule so many times. GYAH. No.. no, I'm sorry...
I should've always respected you. Honesty was just stupid. Back then it was awesome.
Then somewhere along the way, it got blurred. And then we started getting heated up
with one another. Then BOOM. Separated like broken twigs. And.... ironically,
honesty was what brought us back together. Despite all those pissed posts I
made back at those times, I forgot to show the other side, the blue side, which I always had
at the back of my head, defending her and all. But before then, I told myself to choose
a side, or I'll be forever confused between what's right in a relationship of two.  But
I just couldn't stand it. hating her. Disliking her. It made my brain itch. Hence, the post.

Like I said, honesty was awesome back then. And is more awesome now, 'cause we finally hit the stage where we can
set most of our egos aside and actually listen to one another carefully and sincerely, to see if we can work something
out if the matter we are being honest about poses as a problem to the two of us. Our relationship.. is very simple.
I wanna be honest to her. She wants to be honest with me too. I'm scared of hurting her feelings, and so is she.
Haha, try solving that sorta moral dilemma XD

Cherish people. In small ways. It makes a lot of difference.  Oh, and I'm supposed to SMILE :D

Oh, I remember now. I was trying to solve the problem of how to tell that other girl who I was waiting for about
what happened. To my surprise, everything was quite brisk and easy. And after it was done, boy did I feel light.
So light that I could float like a balloon in Up. Haha. And I was sorta pushy on the love part. Pushy in the sense
that I want her to decide whether or not she wants me to love her first, before she can decide whether she wants to
love me back. It's kinda stupid but yeah, I was asking her permission for me to fully love and care for her. Silly thing.

Yeap.. REEAALLY PUSHY. Sorry. I was insecure in my own ways.

Haha, she said yes already somewhere around here XD.  So I started saying I love you and really mean it with all my
heart, like I was trying to focus a telepathic command onto someone lol. It took her some time to warm up and say it
back to me. It was nerve-wrecking for her to say it to me, 'cause she's really never been with guys before. But she tried.
She didn't mean it at first, but it was sincere in the sense that she wasn't sure if she could love me yet, but she really
wanted to believe that it's true and just see if saying it repetitively would actually make her mean it next time.
FYI, yes, she meant it after a few more tries. Not only because she wanted to believe it. But maybe because...
Her feelings for me grew stronger overtime, and saying it over and over broke the ice for her. Now, I think she says
that more often than I do. I should win back my title :E

Gratitude. If you don't express it, then what's the point of being grateful?

It wasn't just because of the Nickelback song. Goddamn sutpid wet drippy feeling down my chest made me scared and
all chickened to my core about me dying. But y'know what, everytime I cycle through a busy road, I imagine myself
being hit by a speeding vehicle, and think to myself that no death can be worse than a traffic accident as sudden and
brutal as a motorbike speeding at you at 120km/h, a truck rolling over you at more than 3 tonnes weight, or a kancil,
with the driver not paying attention to the road while he talks to the phone with one hand, not doing a proper turn
and still pumping down to full throttle. Or well, cycling into a moving vehicle and fly a few yards away while coming
in contact with the ground a few times during the flight. Heh. Nope, nothing is as scary as that XD

I'm a lucky man. 
Really lucky. 
Fortunate even.

And I'll always be grateful.
To know what it feels like to love
someone who loves you back in return.
Because before her, all I knew was loving
someone with all my heart and not asking
for anything in return.

I'm still applying the same principles.
Only that the same thing is being done unto me.
So I'm grateful. So very enormously grateful. 

Sorry for taking up so much of your time,
reading this nonsense. But I hope
 some of them made sense to you



Joey said...

i want relationship like this in future. not too clingy and a little bit of maturity. =) jealous >< is this before u started your blog ? haha

O C said...

Nah, my blog is more than 6 years old. I started it around Form 3 and I'm.. 20 now. Lol. Just that I only started being active around 16/17. XD

If I were you, I wouldn't wish for any kinda of relationship, since everyone's experience differs from one another.

What you might want more though, is just someone who loves you for who you are.

The relationship is like a setting that you can tweak from time to time. But the program, your partner, once installed into your life, ain't very easy to be uninstalled, even if you Shift+Del or send it to the Recycle Bin. And if you don't manage your folders and files well, they'd get corrupted, like your emotional balance. It comes as is, and it's either you accept it as the way it is, or you don't :D

But I think wishing for a beautiful relationship rather than something as specific as this would be a lot less stressful. Because with this many specifics, many things will tend to go wrong from your expectations,and from those expectations come disappointment.

So be free. You can talk about how you'd want a relationship after you find the right person ^^

After all, I can see a lot of stuck up people in your life from your blog posts. Ugh, such nonsensical bunch. =_=