Sunday, January 29, 2012

Shadows II

Believe it or not, we've all been assholes at certain points in our life.
There are intentional ones, but there are also those time when you
just donno what the fuck you're trying to do, and you end up hurting
a lot of people in the process, just to protect your ego or pride, or for
most part, we don't even realize how we became an asshole. 

Going through the list of contacts revived more than just the memory
of that boy, but many others as well. People are always interconnected
with one another, and from one name, many others will appear altogether.

I was beginning to see how the assholes I knew back then were so annoying,
and it's funny to see that I've actually emulated some of the things that they do
without even realizing it. 

Was it to protect myself? Really now? Was I that insecure of a person?

It's beginning to be a lot clearer now. Why certain people hated me or felt
irritated around me. I like to poke fun at things. And sometimes when I go
too far anyways, I just won't stop. I often ask myself why. And the answers
don't seem to come easy. But I guess one of the answers at the time was this,
"this is about the only thing you're good at, you might as well be either the
best or worst of it. Just make sure you're remembered."

But that was back when depression was my best friend. How about now?
Am I still the same asshole back then? 

The answer is yes. Probably worse now since I've gotten more stubborn
with the help of time, and me being that isn't making things any easier for the
people around me. But I continue to be that same asshole. Whatever for?

There's the argument of wanting to be that kind of person, because people
like that are necessary in a community of people in order to allow that
same community to function better.

So are you saying it's ok to be a murderer because the society needs one
in order to evolve? It's really sick to say yes. But I guess that's a fact.
Complacency gets people nowhere. Conflicts and the resolutions of them
makes people better.

But then again, it's just sick.

Do I want to continue being that same asshole? A partial yes. Believe it or
not, it really helps when dealing with people who're just there to make your
life miserable. But those times are over for now. I've never met anyone sane
enough to try and bully me at my age. But I predict that I might once I enter
the world of work.

Being an asshole also constantly pressures people to be better indirectly. Especially
when you're always poking at what the people you know are either weak or terrible
at. There are also those who intentionally become assholes for noble reasons.

But I'll just let you know that I'm not on of those nobles. If there's anything, really,
I guess being an asshole is kinda fun. And it's somehow a lot better than being
a timid silent person. It makes conversations and jokes come along easier, since
everyone is always poking fun. 

I used to think that people who have issues with things are just people who can't
see how small the issue is compared to what the world has to offer. I still think that
way. Only that I've learnt to respect certain rights to remain silent, as I do too when
I wish not speak another word of that particular issue. But its funny to see that once
you give way for that respect, a lot of people take advantage of it. And that's the 
part where I'm really able to differentiate between the friends that are greater 
hypocritical assholes than myself, and those who're always staying true to themselves.

I guess I'd just rather be able to talk and and express myself freely around people
then not being able to do so at all. This was an easy way out for me as an anti-
socialite back then. But now that I've matured, do I still need this?

All this perks, at the cost of hurting a few people. And what if this few people happen
to be the most important ones you have in your life?

I used to wear masks and change facades of myself in different situations, but I guess
I got tired of not being me. And if there's anything, I guess that asshole we all know
is who I am.

I guess this is a time to declare how I wish to be as a person. So I'll tell you now.
Being an asshole wasn't my initial choice. It never crossed my mind before. But
after being that kinda person so long, it just seems to suit me somehow. But do I
want to be an asshole all the time?

I guess not. I want to be a nice person too at times. But for most part, I guess the
asshole role suits me just fine for now. Mmm.

There are more shadows to cover besides this, so lets time out for now. OC

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