Saturday, January 28, 2012

Shadows

These days, a certain feeling of mine has been intensely magnified. It feels somewhat like dread.
Of the future. Of how short life really is. How little we're allowed to do for the world while we live.

I was browsing through my phone, copying contact one by one. And as I went through the lists,
I start to reminisce all the memories I had with each one on the list. It's funny, but I suddenly
remember so many unfulfilled promises I made to myself, to this certain few people.

There was this one boy especially. Back then, in secondary school, I was a depressed boy.
Really depressed, until a certain friend gave me a good slap to the face. But this boy, if I was
a depressed boy, I have no idea how to describe his situation. He sort of aspired to be me.
He revered me as one of the best people he knew. I felt bad. Because I know I wasn't all
that great. From time to time, he'd ask me for advice, and I'll just give him my honest opinion.
And while we were classmates, I remember him breaking down to tears twice.

I had an English teacher. A bit of an asshole and a flirt. But he's a nice guy. He kinda sucked
at teaching English, but if anything, I think he'd make a pretty good spontaneous life coach.
The kinda advices he gives sometimes feels like the ones you can only get if you meet someone
who's went through so much that he knows exactly what to tell you.

And I guess this boy was lucky to have him there at this particular moment. I think it was just
days after his last breakdown or something and we had the following English class. Title for the
day, Poems. And we were asked to write and present each of our poems in front of class.

Everybody did their parts. And this boy, it felt like a sparkle rekindled in him. That moment,
I think I learnt the meaning of hope in a life where you're just so tired and exhausted to live in.
Especially when you're not even in the 3rd world countries, or are in any disastrous state. In his
world, physical survival doesn't matter much in a world where you struggle mentally to live.

He talked to me after, and I said his poem was good, which was true, if not for his grammatical
mistakes. I told him I liked the poem and asked if I could take it back and see if I could tweak
it to make it sound better. Boy, was I full of myself. Or was I genuinely trying to help him?

Midway, things caught up, I had to help train the juniors in the marching team since I was
commander that year. Then there were exams. Trials. After that, SPM. Never really got to
that poem. And I even lost it. I have no idea where it is now. I don't even remember how it
sounds now. Man. Man.

Winning the marching championship that year lifted me up from the ground. I never felt
depressed ever since. But I guess that achievement clouded my vision from the promise
I made to myself to do. The irony of it is actually about realizing it now. 4 fucking years later.
What am I to do about a past that I can't change?

The past is beyond my grasp. However the boy still exists. I've never talked to him for 3 years
already. I remember having him somewhere on Facebook. But it's not there anymore. Did he
change his profile name? Did he deactivate his account. I guess there's no way for me to know
without me asking him myself.

It's already been so long, and for all I know, he'd probably not be the same person I knew back
then anymore. I hope for that. But if he's still tormented with an invisible cage he just can't get out
despite his desperate attempths, then if there's anything I could do, after college, I guess I'll gladly do it.
I'd want to say I want to do it now. But realistically, I can't even so much handle my life properly,
so who the fuck am I to meddle in his life? I might have good intentions, but really, just who am I
to meddle in his life, or any other person's life for that matter?

Thing is, I don't have that right.This isn't about helping him anymore is it? It's just about me trying to
finish something I started for myself. Such "honourable" selfishness you have there Osla.

But I guess I can offer the help. Not give my help directly. At least, he'd still have room to say no
should the day in question beckon in the future.

Well, this isn't the end to my shadows. But just the beginning of it all of all the cumulative darkness
I've been gathering. There'll be more. But if anything, know that I'm not near anywhere emotional
when I posts such thing. I guess I just need to make peace with the many demons I have within.

It's getting long-winded, so I'll leave the other shadows for another time. OC

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