Saturday, March 10, 2012

My Log of Depression

God knows when was this. Bleh. Probably
 first year of col when I was an egocentric 
hobo of sorts. Seems like it was dated at
2007. Oh, I was a complete fucktard back
then. epic period of time.

It was left in draft form. I just happen to stumble
on this while I was digging through some old archives.

Hm. Why not just post it?
Why not?

Because it's stupid.

But that's not the point.
I just wanna post this thing up.

Because I'm sick of being depressed.
I got over it a long time ago. And seeing
this post right here, right now pisses me off.
Actually, reading any sort depressing post
without good reason pisses me off.

A post about a saddened state of mind is normal.

A posts about a personal cataclysmic doomsday is
out of this world outrageous. The world is not gonna
end if you end. So get a grip or by the love of God,
just end your life already so that you can stop making
other people's like miserable by making you yourself
feel miserable. You might as well be miserable once
at your deathbed to help people move on than to be
a continuous nuisance to the world around you.

Because depression is like a contagion. You stick around
it long enough, and it might just be your next best friend.

But at least I knew the Osla back then took the
initiative to turn things around for the better.

Though, its important not to confuse initiative and
continuous action.These two are different separate
matters. Just because you have initiative doesn't
mean you're getting things done in the long run.

And as far as I remember, depressions was like
multiple spikes in a disorganized graph chat.
It goes up one time, and down for a very long time,
then it sets itself in a repetitive motion.

Ok whatever, to the post already.
........................................................................................................................................

Seems that I'm actually under a depression now called dysthymia.
It's not really that bad actually. It's just mild depression but if I don't
something about it soon.. well, It might just get worse. SO, I'm actually
making my first advancement towards healing myself from what I've read
in the health website which is to write down whatever that depresses me.
I find it pretty stress relieving if you'd ask me. If any of you feel depressed,
I think this might be a good thing to do. Oh well, let's begin...
[edit] I'm gonna cross out whatever I've overcome lolz. [/edit]

........................................................................................................................................
[ragedit]

1. I just can't say what I want...
What do you mean I can't say what I want?
Now I'm known to say a lot of things too much.
Should anything shitty happen, it's not your fall. It's theirs.


Guess that's what happens when you're sick
of not being able to say anything at all.

I'd rather always be able to speak my mind
then hugging my knees in silence at every
goddamn opportunity.

Because it sucks to not have a voice when you
know damn well you have one.

2. Why can't I change even after giving myself so much time?
Old bullshit. Moved on. I've already changed so much. Who 
says I can't. Give yourself time and action and the magic will
happen by itself.

3. Am I just lazy or don't I want to do work again?
Huh? Lazy? C'mon. That's overrated. Not intrinsicly or
extrinsicly motivated? Ok, maybe that's the right word
for that. But inspiration is everywhere just waiting for 
you to see. So. Obviously, this isn't a problem. At all.

4. Why must people around me be so hardheaded all the time?
What the fuck does people being hard-headed have anything to do
with you anyways? It's not your problem to deal with. Geez. If
people around you are all like that, wouldn't that be just so easy 
to deal with? Just mind your own business, case closed.

5. Why can't my dad just understand how my mom feels?
Doesn't matter to me anymore.

6. Why can't my mom just understand how my dad feels?
Like I said. Doesn't matter. I'm tired of trying to get them
to peace things out. Things are already peaceful enough.
So whatever. I don't need to do anything here. I ain't needed.
If you feel you ain't needed, then simply walk away.

Or, fight for you right to be needed. If that's even a right.
Too lazy to do that. Wait, did I just said lazy? HOMG
I must be depressed again FUUUUUUUUUUUU-

7. Why can't my little brother just be a bit more patient?
Hey, he got bullied way harder than me before. He has
the right to punch anyone in the face if he/she hurts him.
I second any of his reasonable self-defense actions.

It doesn't matter if you don't second violence. He's
family, and he has my blessing to throw a punch so
hard that anyone's bile would spill from the blow if
anyone would cause him to retaliate that way.

8. I don't like sitting around thinking to myself and doing 
nothing all the time.
Bah, happens from time to time. Whatever. It'll pass.
It's not like it's ongoing for a very extensive period
of time. If it is, well, it's only natural to not sit around
thinking to yourself any longer.

9. I think I'm a loser because I act pretty cowardly..
I think I'm anything but cowardly now. And maybe
even ended up being too arrogant for my own good.
But I guess being arrogant have its uses.

Though, it has a record of pushing people away for me
Way to go bro. Way to go.

No, this doesn't win me an exclusive brofist.

10.I can't face my problems with people because I'm afraid 
I'll hurt their feelings.
Excuse me? Hurt their feelings? What about yours? If people 
give me shit, I stand up against them. Truth, done and proud.

But if you know you can't win, you should ask yourself
if it's really worth the trouble.

11.I feel like I can't be around my friends because I feel like 
I trouble them whenever I'm around.
Dafuq. You felt that way for what? They being them isn't anything 
you should be worried about. And you being you isn't what you 
should be worried about. But if they have a problem with you 
being you, but another group doesn't, then there's something up 
between you and them. You either leave the matter unsolved or 
go stir some trouble for yourself. How you deal with that trouble
though, will require very thorough understanding of the situation.
Good luck though. Both scenarios aren't easy to deal with. 

It depends on your preference really. Full scale war or cold war? 
Either way, we know only one helps you solve problems permanently. 
Whichever you think that is ...is entirely up to you ohohohoh.

12.No one tries to understand me...
I don't need people to understand me anymore. As long
as they could hear me talk if I need something said, that's
enough. Clarifying things is one thing. People believing
what you say is another matter entirely.

13.Why doesn't anyone just listen to me when I talk?
Don't care lo. If they don't listen, it's their problem.

So in the case that shit did fall from the sky, it'd help if 
you had a shit-resistant umbrella  have good memory. 
That way, you could at least provide some alibi should 
they toss the heat on you.

But if you're in a group however, and you're part of the 
leadership, it's your duty to pull things up together. If you 
give up, naturally, the group follows. 

So don't give up until you really think all hope is lost.
Because if you don't, someone else out there would
kick you in the face if it's not me. 

14.I can't bring out my honesty because I think I'll hurt even more people...
Truth is truth. People can't runaway from it forever. Having the courage
to be soft is one thing. But having the courage to face problems to quell
the current conflicts you have for good is a whole new thing. And yes,
it takes a lot more courage to do that then being soft. I was soft once.
I never for once regretted doing this change. 

Was.

Maybe I'm just such a dumbfuck to not regret being different from
what I was before. But heck, anything is better than what I was before.
I might as well be a full-fledged criminal rather than being a sack of
degenerate meatloaf doomed to rot in the embracing cascades of 
the eternal abyss.

But I won't stab anyone. Well, at least, I don't have the intention to do
so yet. Lets see if I happen to face a moral downslope that might trigger 
me to do so in the future.

Who knows who I'll be in the future. But it's highly unlikely. I'm the kinda
guy who'd rather stab myself than stab someone else.

Because I kinda got used to hurting myself when I was a depressed fuck.
So it's not a problem to me.

Maybe reading People and A Sudden Eruption would help to paint out
the picture of what softness and the ability to be disabled does to me.

Remember the quote from Aristotle
“What lies in our power to dolies in our power not to do.”
                                                                                                         ?

Not saying that softness isn't a bad thing. It's great in so many ways to avoid 
problems. Just not great when it comes to solving them is all.

You think time solves problems? No. Time just helps you to delay the current
issues at hand long enough to hopefully make them disappear, but we all know 
that's not a proven fact now do we? 

You may forget them sooner or later, but as far as I'm concerned, 
people are pretty unforgiving. Especially if you have scores or debts 
remain unsettled. It'd be peaceful for a long certain period of time. 
You'd probably even turn gay meantime. But one of those days, you'll
never know, that certain someone will just come knocking at your door, 
asking for an end to the story when you're already at a point of time where 
you'd actually be a married person with children at home. At that point, things
just get into an utter mess. 

So on the off chance that something like that might happen, I'd  personally rather 
settle all my conflicts first. Unless if I think it's that's really not even worth thinking
about. Yeah. I'll let it slide and turn a blind eye.

15.I don't want to meet new people
This is something that happens all the time. Deal with it. People come and go. 
If you're afraid of people leaving you, then don't have friends. If you're scared 
to show yourself in public, I donno, go trap yourself in the room or eternity?

There was a quote from a movie.


"Hey, everybody wants a short cut in life. My guide book is very simple. You wanna lose weight? Stop eating, fatty! You wanna make money? Work your ass off, lazy! You wanna be happy? Find someone you like and never let him go."

 [/ragedit]
........................................................................................................................................

Man, I sure had shitloads of time back then. Because I believe I
said sometime before that depression is ...

...actually a luxury. A luxury for lazy people to not do things when 
people are just feeding them to live.

I guess I was like that for a while. 3-5 times. Stupid me.
Fuck. I feel so bad for my family and friends now. Ugh.

And it's kinda funny to stumble upon an old comment
that says:

Took you long enough.
Haha, touche.

If you, the reader, happen to be reading this, and is/suspected
to be depressed, know that whatever people say to you won't
dissolve into your head until a certain period of time. So listen
to the people around you first. Digest them later.

You won't get it at first. And when people won't give
you time, know that they're doing that because they
give a damn, not the other way around, but most
important of all, when they tell you to stop being
depressed, you have to give yourself time to gradually
stop being depressed. You can't stop it all in one go.

Well, if you were Professor X, maybe.

Know that no non-depressed individual can't understand your
gibberish miserable emo rants. So just use them asking you to 
stop as words of encouragement to get out of the emotional rut
you're digging yourself in. When you're depressed, it's all about
you, your state of mind, and your perception of things. So you
have do something about it yourself. People can help you heal,
but before that can happen, you have to want to heal you see.

Oh, and don't forget that when you get depressed, you risk
losing the trust of all the people around you. So go ahead
if you still wanna be depressed. Just brace yourself for the
worst shit you can ever face in your entire history of friendship.
It's bitter alright. Sucks big time too. But you ain't possibly
gonna listen to some straightass hobo like me wouldja?

HA

Sez
Sillyboiwhostumbledonandoldblogpost





........................................................................................................................................
My Log of Depression

Original text:

Seems that I'm actually under a depression now called dysthymia.

It's not really that bad actually. It's just mild depression but if I don't
something about it soon.. well, It might just get worse. SO, I'm actually
making my first advancement towards healing myself from what I've read
in the health website which is to write down whatever that depresses me.
I find it pretty stress relieving if you'd ask me. If any of you feel depressed,
I think this might be a good thing to do. Oh well, let's begin...


1. I just can't say what I want...
2. Why can't I change even after giving myself so much time?
3. Am I just lazy or don't I want to do work again?
4. Why must people around me be so hardheaded all the time?
5. Why can't my dad just understand how my mom feels?
6. Why can't my mom just understand how my dad feels?
7. Why can't my little brother just be a bit more patient?
8. I don't like sitting around thinking to myself and doing nothing all the time.
9. I think I'm a loser because I act pretty cowardly..
10. I can't face my problems with people because I'm afraid I'll hurt their feelings.
11. I feel like I can't be around my friends because I feel like I trouble them whenever I'm around.
12. No one tries to understand me...
13. Why doesn't anyone just listen to me when I talk?
14. I can't bring out my honesty because I think I'll hurt even more people...
15. I don't want to meet new people

6 comments:

Joey said...

hahahahahaha you're funny

O C said...

HA

Joey said...

the way you write changed so much

O C said...

Like that one lar. Back then really stoopeed. Nao, not that stooopeed.

HA

Joey said...

i bet this will my future line

O C said...

I see. But you're such a intelligent young woman. It'd be sad to see you descend to the likes of someone like me haha.