Sunday, April 01, 2012

Aprilful

31st March 2012

I woke up after a real life experience with an alternate world.
I'm not sure how to put it into words, but I guess I'll just describe
it the best I can from memory.

I remember talking to this girl. She was beautiful, tall with long
silky-brown hair and a smile that'd make any man go weak with
such a loving air around her. She was tanned, with a very slender
frame, dressed with a beautiful night gown for the night.

We went out, had some pretty interesting conversations. I
remember drifting apart a few times, but she was great with
her words. She always knew how to engage me back into
the chat bubble, and I remember feeling happy for a while.
Like time just paused and told me to get a breather.

Then we got home. My home. We lounged around the living
room for a while. And I remember feeling so tired that I just
went straight to my room and crashed on the bed. I was so
exhausted and tired. I didn't know why.

*BUMP*

I felt something heavy falling onto the side of the bed. I turned
around in slight irritance only to find her gazing thoughtfully into
me, as though asking me "what seems to be the problem?"
without having the need to even utter a word. I looked back
into her eyes and for once, it felt like there was a conversation,
without the need for an exchange of words.

For a moment there, things felt intimate. She got closer and  I
remember being too tired and ignorant to resist. I felt her warm
arms wrapping around me. It felt like she was looking for a place
to belong. I could sense her loneliness as she hugged tighter and
dipped her head into my chest.

I was too tired to reciprocate. But it was comfortable nonetheless.
And I slowly faded into sleep. Then I felt her hair brushing against
my cheek. I didn't bother to open my eyes to look.

Then I felt her breath on my face, and it inched closer and closer
to my mouth with each draw of her breath. When it finally touched,
she went slow, grazing the wall of her lips against mine, as if looking to
see if it'll ever open. My lips gave way after a while, and she invited
herself in gently.

It felt like a kiss she'd give to someone she completely trusts. I
accepted it for a while longer, and it began to feel familiar. Then
I regained a momentary burst of consciousness with my eyes wide
open as my hands instinctively pushed her away.

On the floor, there she was, with her head held down. She seemed
to be laden with crushing disappointment. She apologized for being
too forceful. I got up and told her that it wasn't her fault and helped
her up.

I recall saying, "I'm sorry. I'm just not ready for something like
this right now. I just can't. I..."

Before I could finish, she lightly shaked her head with what seemed
like a smile, bowed and walked away.

I could hear her footsteps fading at the hallway. And when I heard
the door close, I felt a deep sense of loss within me.

I remember asking myself as I laid back to my bed thinking,
"Why would I turn down a chance with someone as great as her? 
She was everything I've ever wanted in a life-long companion. 


Am I... stupid?"

A memory flashed through my mind. It rekindled strong feelings
and emotions inside of me of a certain person. And that's when I
realized that my only companion slot was filled. However great the
other girl was, it was still incomparable to the one that somehow
winded its way into that one rare slot I have in my heart.

I felt my face giving off a wry smile as I recalled many other
memories until I fell asleep... And that's when I woke up and
got back to ground zero; my real room with a giant orange
fluffy teddy bear resting by the side of my bed.

I'm not sure what to make of this dream. But if there's anything
that could make you turn down someone you've always dreamt
of having as that lifelong partner, it must be someone that makes
you feel so special and real that nobody can ever replace that
slot you have for that person, even when that person's long gone.

Because sometimes, chemistry just isn't everything. Not all
relationships are based on compatibility, stars or alignments.
Its just about who you are to one another.

OC

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