Saturday, July 14, 2012

Feeling the Flow

Picking up the rhythm.

Quite litelally wif Stepmania. Because I just bought a new Dance Mate Mat.
And it has USB. <3
I've realized that in the Magic Tourney's I've been actively going to quite recently, when I was put up with the fact the Card Fight Vanguard might be a cool game, I've always been denying myself from learning it properly, with the excuse that I can only invest into one hobby, and that hobby being said, would of course be Magic The Gathering.

And these days, I have to say that I'm really starting to chew on the reality of my own words. I'm into dancing, into jogging, into exercising, into spending time with my loved ones, into dramas, into driving, into over-sleeping, into playing RO, into playing PS2, into house chores, into trying new MMO's, into going out with people, and so many other trivial things that I barely have any time to draw at all.

Meaning to say I'd very much rather be saying, I'm into drawing that girl, into painting a portrait, into painting a cool robot, into making a good sculpture, into doing abstractness, into life sketching that I barely have any time for comic drawing.

Although I've a limited amount of savings, money just doesn't seem to concern me as much anymore. Time is the key element here. And time is the only real tangible thing I need to save since money is pretty much like recurring rain. When it rains, you'll get water. When it rains again, I'll just get more. So lets remove something redeemable to something you can never replace even if you decide to sell your soul for it, eh?

I told myself art was the most important thing for me. Look at what I'm doing now? Giving free time to someone who's not in reality check is almost like giving a baby freedom when it can't even start crawling yet. I need to exercise control on myself. And I really just can't stress this enough.

Although most of the time I regret watching entertaining dramas every single fucking day once in a while, a drama I didn't even find interesting at the first, second and third glance suddenly became very appealing because of this one line; "Sometimes, people want something because they've not yet obtained it. Not because they love it or desire it. Then once they do obtain it, they lose interest in it, because they already know the feeling of having it, and is looking for something new. The only way to know if you really love or desire something, is to leave it for a long time, and if you crave for it, then your feelings for it is true."

This line is cool and all. But no. I'd still rather be practicing than to know about something this trivial. But what's done is done. So.. might as well make the best out of this and share.

Being into so many things in one time is never a good thing. Not saying you can't, but all at one go? I mean, I think almost everyone will feel nervous when you're asked to finish an entire table of different food, on your own. Opera has said that you can have everything, just not all at once.

And my lecturer suddenly falls into the picture, with his words telling me that he wished not get involved into any other interests, besides his job, and his family. Art was the only hobby he could afford to do, because he knew if he did something else, he would not get better at his job, and he'd have less time with his family. There were many ways to discover art. And to him, he's seen enough. Seeing can always come at a later time for him now. The most important part for him now and whenever, is the eternal prospect of improving his art skills. Because he strongly believes that only with that, he can at least help the artistic community grow, and with a bit of luck, get a better source of income for his family.

Doing that requires a lot of sacrifice. And it requires a lot of strength and control. Whatever it is, looking for luck when your family's depending on you is probably gonna be a tenfold harder than when you've got nothing to lose.

I'm not sure if I'm able to pull it off. I don't want to take things slow anymore. But rushing myself won't help neither. I've gotta let them go. But can't I just lock them up for a better time, while I keep them all inside? But that's besides the fucking point. I have nothing to lose.

Discipline is discipline. Passion is passion. They may intersect, but can never be the same. Wishing for a day to be longer than 24 hours is fool's quest. So lets not go there.

So now, lets just say I'm really sober, and reasonable now. What'd be the best course of action? What are the things that I should keep, and the things that I should throw? Should I really stop life now and enjoy later, or continue at it and take things as I go? Going in between indecisively is worse than being decisive in either route. So I'm gonna have to pick a choice sooner or later. Hopefully real soon. Because the longer I'm undecided, the harder it takes to create that iron will to stomp down procrastination and everything else associated with it.

I always feel like hammering myself down as hard as I can. As much as everyone loathe me being depressed, that's usually the most powerful source of strength I have. I always feel indomitable doing things in that state. And when I begin to feel satisfied with myself, the feeling fades away, and I can no longer sense the indomitable force.

Either way, telling the whole world I'm doing something, than coming up with another post saying that I can't or didn't do it for whatsoever lame excuse it could be is pretty stupid. But I've gotta make it clear for myself now that's it's always better to just try and fail than to just keep on being goalless with no distinct direction, and expect things to just happen. Flow is not motivation. But motivation incites flow to happen. Waiting for the right time is cool, but we always need to act accordingly right? Anyhow, flow isn't necessary now. I'm done waiting too. So it's pretty obvious what I should be doing.

So. The ground is set. I'll no longer be weary of posting something just because I think might not do it after saying it, and coming up with an excuse for not doing it. So here goes fucking nothing.

1. I shall drop Magic for a time as long as I can. It serves no purpose as to my current skillset, but bartering and haggling. Bartering helps me shave off expenditure. But it does not earn me money. So I should just throw this hobby away. Should. But since I don't have the heart to do that, I guess locking it up is the way to go.
2. Exercising is necessary, no matter what I say, what you say, or what they say. I want to body build too, but do I have time? Either way, I have to exercise, so for as long as I'm exercising, I'm just gonna screw around for as long as it burns carbs. But if I ever make a solid workout plan, I'd best follow it.
3. Games games games. God fuck me. They've been almost everything to me, taught me almost all the most important things in life, but at the same time, they're also screwing me up real bad. But it's really not their fault. If only i'd just stop putting them first right? So from now on, if you don't do the important things first, you're screwed. You don't need to be reminded. Karma always has a way to get back at you. You'd better remember that. Like, never leave stray staple bullets anywhere. Seriously.
4. Fuck this. Having myself to 365 drawings a year was way better than waiting for the starstruck moment of miracles to happen and magically give me enough faith to move my hand to start painting. So I'm gonna say I owe my blog at least 335 more paintings/drawing. You have... less than 5 months.... Good luck.

Hi Osla. It's Blue here. So in case you were wondering about the idea of not being able to rely on yourself for anything, especially discipline, because you wanted to say that to your little brother who can't seem to focus on studying because he just can't do it alone, and help him by offering some of your time to constantly pester him on what to do, well, whaddaya know, I'm always here for you. I know you hate me rather intensely. But lets just bear with me for a while, grit my presence and make you a better man. Deal?

Do I really have to? But you're still me. Does it even make a bloody difference?

It's anytime better than just you alone bro.

Kphyne. *handshake*
This better be well worth it. *pif* Help me... will ya? I'm.. a mess.

Easier said than done. But you'll never know until you try eh, Red? We won't create Captain Planet when we combine, or be the best DNA Digivolution like Omnimon, but it's definitely beats being a bunch of Teletubbies running and going "uh-oh" eh?

Err.. ok, I think my lameness is starting to creep into you too. Lets just retire for today and start again tomorrow, resilient and strong.

...Fine by me. Just lemme work my magic.

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