Wednesday, October 31, 2012

2012 Namecard Design

Hmm.. I didn't post this up a while back. This is an updated layout from last year's.

Ah man, and I even made the biggest mistake ever here. I still can't figure out how ridiculously clumsy I was with the details. I had to go make reprints for 2 batches and boy, they sure weren't cheap. I should really proofread more carefully next time. Nobody's gonna pay for your mistakes man.

Be careful when you handle your client's info in their end products.

Also, if you're ever gonna handle so many images at once, remember to always embed them first if your computer can handle the stress. I remember taking around 2-3 hours just to manually embed all the images all over again.

Yeap. Designs in the end are all about procedures. You ignore the procedures, your design may be finalized, but trust me when I say everything will backfire. Don't waste your time and your client's time.

So do a good job, design and procedure-wise.

You don't wanna pay for your mistakes man. Just double check it.


Tuesday, October 30, 2012

A Love Eternal

A jester I am, foolishness, my greatest trade, laughter, my sternest judge

Of royalty you are, a grandeur of ancestry, with visions and ambitions far beyond simple faith.

I am but a simple man, adorned with a humble cap of echoing jinggles, inspiration for the crowd's folly, a distraction for their utmost worries. 

But you are the people's voice, their dreams and hopes combined, a ray of sympathy and understanding to the patchworks of many.

To have held you, a dream fulfilled. 
To dream of you, a fantasy neverending. 
To long for you, an ecstacy overbearing.
But to have served you, is my greatest honour.

If the cycle of life could ever repeat itself, the path I take will always stay the same.

A love I'd take, even as
I walk into the gallows of death

- Musings of The Fool.


A gift too late is a gift ungiven. 

This artwork was supposed to be completed before the anniversary,
but I didn't make it in time. 

I've finally finished it, but it bears no meaning anymore.
It'd have, if only I was who I am now back then. But
that's nothing more than a remaining unresolved regret.

Time waits for nobody, and traverse is a trait people
have always had. They'll come and they'll go, and sometimes,
they can happen at such abrupt moments that it scatters
your life in all directions.

Stay true to your commitments, and work them out.
You'll never know when your gift can be delivered on
time. But even if you can't, there's no reason as to
why you shouldn't complete it. 

After all, who gives a gift meant for someone to themselves?

You could. 

You always could.

But it never feels the same does it?


This Cool Dood

I'd appreciate anyone out there sharing
me cover page tips ^^;
See this cool dood to the left?

He's more muscular, more toned, more handsome, more clean-shaven, taller, younger, runs faster than I do, ran further than I ever did, does extreme biking as a hobby, and reached very high levels in all the games he's played.

He also knows how to fix a bicycle, is knowledgable about house repair works, gave someone a nosebleed before with his raw fist before, sang in front of a crowd, and even took his driving license at the age of 17.

In addition to that, he is also the head of prefects, president for Interact and VP for RC. Though he told me his school curricular system is a mess and isn't worth any kinda pre-working managerial experience.

But I guess he doesn't know that's he's actually quite a popular guy amongst his peers and teachers alike to be actually having all those posts thrown at him. Which should also mean he's reliable.

So there it is. The guy I've always dreamt of being when I was in his age,
but unfortunately for me, I was inflicted with depression then and was
therefore too fond of creating myriads of excuses to do anything of
meaning and excelled too much in the arts of procrastination to have
done anything of great value to the world, the community and myself.

Anyways, I just wanna clear some things in my head.

You see, 2 weeks back, he took me to the gym he frequents to for the first time.
Yes. I went to the fucking gym for the first time in my life to actually do workouts.
After the entire workout, we kinda had a conversation at home after. I forgot what
I said, but I remember he said something back to me like,

"Dood, you know how scary it is to tell your older brother what to do in a gym 
in front of the public? The fact that I could get you to do the things I instructed 
is damn good already wei."

I couldn't give him a proper response when he said that then.

So here I am trying to create a non-direct channel for him to know.

I wanted him to know that, I'm the last person in the world he'd want
to have a reason to be scared at. I'm pretty meek, and the best physical
prowess I have is just stamina. He's already beat me in a 200m sprint that
one time and I admitted defeat. He thought I was giving him a chance,
but honestly I really didn't. I was just very out of shape back then. I
slacked out with most of my exercises and couldn't keep up while he kept
ramping up his physical abilities.

Anyways... I wanted to say to the world how grateful I am to have him
as my brother. Him living under the same roof as I am allowed me to
bear witness to his ordinary miracle; his hardwork, patience and
perseverance paying off big time. That gave me a good insight to
work harder and stand for my dreams.

And as much as any elder sibling wouldn't want to admit this, looking at
him is like mirroring all my shame back to me because frankly speaking,
I idolize him, and I want to be something as good as he is, even if it's
only just a small fraction.

Him being fearful of me is like saying Vin Diesel is afraid of Justin Bieber.
But I guess that was his way for showing his respect to his elders; me, the
one who didn't deserve any in the first place.

I was a terrible brother to him, and it's heartwarming to know how he
has developed a sense of maturity to still find it in himself to respect
someone like me.

So if he happens to be reading this, I want him to know that I welcome
his teases as he has every right to do so, especially when they are true.
After all, he's earn that right through his own sheer will and hardwork.
But he must know that I don't react very easily due to the immense
emotional training I have with the many emotional bullies I've encountered.

Though I do wanna rebuke that remark he made the other day, calling it
stupid and a waste of time. Because in my opinion, if you're still hanging
onto something that you feel that is precious to you, but you're feeling
numb towards it, it's not stupid to hold on a little longer just to make sure
you're not making a big miserable mistake.

But either way, I still made a big miserable mistake, so yes, it was stupid.
A waste of time? Ok that... maybe I beg to differ.

On another note, I stumbled upon this site one day when I was searching
for good ab burning routines, because I noticed that my abs were just sitting
there waiting to show but they just couldn't because they had too much fat
to be friends with.

Give it a read. It's pretty insightful. It talks about mental imaging and being
able to realistically present yourself in a situation that you want happening
to you. And I officially began its challenge today. See how it turns out.

I feel like there's supposed to be a conclusion for this post but I don't
feel like making one. So I'm just gonna abruptly stop here.



Monday, October 29, 2012

Is It Done?

Wow.. this is such a huge jump from my initial progresses.
And.. I think her name is Wes-dale. Not Websdale. Anyways,
she'll let me know if she needs it change haha...

If you want to read the book, you can do so here.

This is actually my 2nd attempt. The first was...

My first attempt. I didn't how the face turned out actually.. Too Masculine?
The character was supposed to feel younger. 

It was fine on the 1st piece to the left here. He looked just right.
Then when I corrected all the wee parts of the facial anatomy,
it got more and more masculine. Zzzzz...

Wait.. now I'm starting to think my initial one looks so much better.
Hm. Hmmmmm... Shit, I think I need to go refine some more.
Ah.. I already sent it to her... I'll send another I guess...


Work First. Enjoy Last.

Random design idea.

Feel free to use on your FB Timeline if you'd like.
And share it around if you do ^^


Saturday, October 27, 2012

It's hard to explain.

How this guy from half-way across the other end of the world,
can write a song that completely fits the silence I was having
for the past month is beyond my human comprehension.

He summed it up. Made me cry even more with his songs.
And he's awesome.

I was silent then because... 
Well I usually make a big deal out of everything.
Maybe this time I decided not to.
So I silently updated that my FB status,
and went about life like my usual wrong self.

When the realization came, and things started
to roll smoother than I could've ever had, I decided
it was time to just let it out. But I didn't know when.

I didn't want it to be another rant. I didn't want to
complain. Just wanted to mix it up with something
that mattered more than just informing the world
that I'm miserably single again. And I saw the
post shared by my brother. So.. I guess it was
a coincidental opportunity with a need to let out.

And the myth about men is true. 

Men usually cry and feel the impact later
when the separations happen. Girls are more 
prone to just crying right after and moving on
full speed ahead, with self-happiness being their
only set target.

Girls... they dwell, but they're stronger somewhat.
They don't like to look back. And boy, we guys 
sure love to look back. 

Thought I'm not an advocate of people looking for
a new catch in the vast sea of fishes after letting
go of one, I can kinda relate to them now. 

A distraction is all they needed. And that's why men suck
at resolving with the past. Or at least people I've stereotyped
this men like never do.They just keep accumulating more and more 
with more new fishes. And when they finally do, man... I'd never 
wanna be that person.

But I'll get over this I suppose. 

Nah, it's a lie. I never get over anything.
I let them linger to become part of me, and
share them to those who care to listen to
my stories and thoughts.

Every girl I've had feelings for in the past 
were always a part of me, living as experiences,
thoughts, emotions that I can evoke whenever
I need to.

But it's funny to know now how much space this
one special girl can take inside me compared to the
many others I have which are as of now, almost
bear no significance to me any longer.

But I suppose that's normal. We've had the most 
physical time together. We've had the most conversations
together. We've had the most moments together.

Every other one were just fleeting hopes that never
came to be. This was real. And it was a true experience.

A magical one indeed. From the day it started,
till now. Because the experience together with
her may now be over, but the experience still
changes me this very second, even without her.

Relationships are beautiful. And I don't want to
sulk around and put on a sour face like most men do.
They give you wonderful memories and usually change
you for the better. Memories you can't experience
unless if you truly lived in that moment, and gave it
all you had when you had it when the chance came.

So I'll repeat the cycle of sharing my stories and
thoughts with reference to this event. 

It'll linger.

But what truly matters is that, it's and experience worth
sharing. Because I've experienced something beautiful.
And I'd like you to know the beauty I saw, and 
instill this wonder within you when you chance upon
a relationship yourself.

Because it's beautiful. 
Love is beautiful.

Never let anyone make you think otherwise.

Friday, October 26, 2012

I Feared Success

Shared from Facebook
The Memorial of Dr. Richard Teo

What's important in life? Don't wait till its too late.

Below is the transcript of the talk of Dr. Richard Teo, who is a 40-year-old millionaire and cosmetic surgeon with a stage-4 lung cancer but selflessly came to share with the D1 class his life experience on 19-Jan-2012.

Hi good morning to all of you. My voice is a bit hoarse, so please bear with me. I thought I'll just introduce myself. 
My name is Richard, I'm a medical doctor. And I thought I'll...just share some thoughts of my life. It's my pleasure to be invited by prof. Hopefully, it can get you thinking about how... as you pursue this.. embarking on your training to become dental surgeons, to think about other things as well.

Since young, I am a typical product of today's society. Relatively successful product that society requires.. From young, I came from a below average family. I was told by the media... and people around me that happiness is about success. And that success is about being wealthy. With this mind-set, I've always be extremely competitive, since I was young.

Not only do I need to go to the top school, I need to have success in all fields. Uniform groups, track, everything. I needed to get trophies, needed to be successful, I needed to have colours award, national colours award, everything. So I was highly competitive since young. I went on to medical school, graduated as a doctor. Some of you may know that within the medical faculty, ophthalmology is one of the most highly sought after specialities. So I went after that as well. I was given a traineeship in ophthalmology, I was also given a research scholarship by NUS toacademic achievements did not bring me any wealth. So once I completed my bond with MOH, I decided that this is taking too long, the training in eye surgery is just taking too long. And there's lots of money to be made in the private sector. If you're aware, in the last few years, there is this rise in aesthetic medicine. Tons of money to be made there. So I decided, well, enough of staying in institution, it's time to leave. So I quit my training halfway and I went on to set up my aesthetic clinic... in town, together with a day surgery centre.

You know the irony is that people do not make heroes out average GP (general practitioner), family physicians. They don't. They make heroes out of people who are rich and famous. People who are not happy to pay $20 to see a GP, the same person have no qualms paying ten thousand dollars for a liposuction, 15 thousand dollars for a breast augmentation, and so on and so forth. So it's a no brainer isn't? Why do you want to be a gp? Become an aesthetic physician. So instead of healing the sick and ill, I decided that I'll become a glorified beautician. So, business was good, very good. It started off with waiting of one week, then became 3weeks, then one month, then 2 months, then 3 months. I was overwhelmed; there were just too many patients. Vanities are fantastic business. I employed one doctor, the second doctor, the 3rd doctor, the 4th doctor. And within the 1st year, we're already raking in millions. Just the 1st year. But never is enough because I was so obsessed with it. I started to expand into Indonesia to get all the rich Indonesian tai-tais who wouldn't blink an eye to have a procedure done. So life was really good.

So what do I do with the spare cash. How do I spend my weekends? Typically, I'll have car club gatherings. I take out my track car, with spare cash I got myself a track car. We have car club gatherings. We'll go up to Sepang in Malaysia. We'll go for car racing. And it was my life. With other spare cash, what do i do? I get myself a Ferrari. At that time, the 458 wasn't out, it's just a spider convertible, 430. This is a friend of mine, a schoolmate who is a forex trader, a banker. So he got a red one, he was wanting all along a red one, I was getting the silver one.

So what do I do after getting a car? It's time to buy a house, to build our own bungalows. So we go around looking for a land to build our own bungalows, we went around hunting. So how do i live my life? Well, we all think we have to mix around with the rich and famous. This is one of the Miss Universe. So we hang around with the beautiful, rich and famous. This by the way is an internet founder. So this is how we spend our lives, with dining and all the restaurants and Michelin Chefs you know. 

So I reach a point in life that I got everything for my life. I was at the pinnacle of my career and all. That's me one year ago in the gym and I thought I was like, having everything under control and reaching the pinnacle.

Well, I was wrong. I didn't have everything under control. About last year March, I started to develop backache in the middle of nowhere. I thought maybe it was all the heavy squats I was doing. So I went to SGH, saw my classmate to do an MRI, to make sure it's not a slipped disc or anything. And that evening, he called me up and said that we found bone marrow replacement in your spine. I said, sorry what does that mean? I mean I know what it means, but I couldn't accept that. I was like “Are you serious?” I was still running around going to the gym you know. But we had more scans the next day, PET scans - positrons emission scans, they found that actually I have stage 4 terminal lung cancer. I was like "Whoa where did that come from?” It has already spread to the brain, the spine, the liver and the adrenals. And you know one moment I was there, totally thinking that I have everything under control, thinking that I've reached the pinnacle of my life. But the next moment, I have just lost it. 

This is a CT scan of the lungs itself. If you look at it, every single dot there is a tumour. We call this miliaries tumour. And in fact, I have tens of thousands of them in the lungs. So, I was told that even with chemotherapy, that I'll have about 3-4months at most. Did my life come crushing on, of course it did, who wouldn't? I went into depression, of course, severe depression and I thought I had everything. 

See the irony is that all these things that I have, the success, the trophies, my cars, my house and all. I thought that brought me happiness. But i was feeling really down, having severe depression. Having all these thoughts of my possessions, they brought me no joy. The thought of... You know, I can hug my Ferrari to sleep, no... No, it is not going to happen. It brought not a single comfort during my last ten months. And I thought they were, but they were not true happiness. But it wasn't. What really brought me joy in the last ten months was interaction with people, my loved ones, friends, people who genuinely care about me, they laugh and cry with me, and they are able to identify the pain and suffering I was going through. That brought joy to me, happiness. None of the things I have, all the possessions, and I thought those were supposed to bring me happiness. But it didn't, because if it did, I would have felt happy think about it, when I was feeling most down..

You know the classical Chinese New Year that is coming up. In the past, what do I do? Well, I will usually drive my flashy car to do my rounds, visit my relatives, to show it off to my friends. And I thought that was joy, you know. I thought that was really joy. But do you really think that my relatives and friends, whom some of them have difficulty trying to make ends meet, that will truly share the joy with me? Seeing me driving my flashy car and showing off to them? No, no way. They won’t be sharing joy with me. They were having problems trying to make ends meet, taking public transport. In fact i think, what I have done is more like you know, making them envious, jealous of all I have. In fact, sometimes even hatred. 

Those are what we call objects of envy. I have them, I show them off to them and I feel it can fill my own pride and ego. That didn't bring any joy to these people, to my friends and relatives, and I thought they were real joy. 

Well, let me just share another story with you. You know when I was about your age, I stayed in king Edward VII hall. I had this friend whom I thought was strange. Her name is Jennifer, we're still good friends. And as I walk along the path, she would, if she sees a snail, she would actually pick up the snail and put it along the grass patch. I was like why do you need to do that? Why dirty your hands? It’s just a snail. The truth is she could feel for the snail. The thought of being crushed to death is real to her, but to me it's just a snail. If you can't get out of the pathway of humans then you deserve to be crushed, it’s part of evolution isn't it? What an irony isn't it?

There I was being trained as a doctor, to be compassionate, to be able to empathise; but I couldn't. As a house officer, I graduated from medical school, posted to the oncology department at NUH. And, every day, every other day I witness death in the cancer department. When I see how they suffered, I see all the pain they went through. I see all the morphine they have to press every few minutes just to relieve their pain. I see them struggling with their oxygen breathing their last breath and all. But it was just a job. When I went to clinic every day, to the wards every day, take blood, give the medication but was the patient real to me? They weren't real to me. It was just a job, I do it, I get out of the ward, I can't wait to get home, I do my own stuff. 

Was the pain, was the suffering the patients went through real? No. Of course I know all the medical terms to describe how they feel, all the suffering they went through. But in truth, I did not know how they feel, not until I became a patient. It is until now; I truly understand how they feel. And, if you ask me, would I have been a very different doctor if I were to re-live my life now, I can tell you yes I will. Because I truly understand how the patients feel now. And sometimes, you have to learn it the hard way. 

Even as you start just your first year, and you embark this journey to become dental surgeons, let me just challenge you on two fronts. 

Inevitably, all of you here will start to go into private practice. You will start to accumulate wealth. I can guarantee you. Just doing an implant can bring you thousands of dollars, it's fantastic money. And actually there is nothing wrong with being successful, with being rich or wealthy, absolutely nothing wrong. The only trouble is that a lot of us like myself couldn't handle it.

Why do I say that? Because when I start to accumulate, the more I have, the more I want. The more I wanted, the more obsessed I became. Like what I showed you earlier on, all I can was basically to get more possessions, to reach the pinnacle of what society did to us, of what society wants us to be. I became so obsessed that nothing else really mattered to me. Patients were just a source of income, and I tried to squeeze every single cent out of these patients. 

A lot of times we forget, whom we are supposed to be serving. We become so lost that we serve nobody else but just ourselves. That was what happened to me. Whether it is in the medical, the dental fraternity, I can tell you, right now in the private practice, sometimes we just advise patients on treatment that is not indicated. Grey areas. And even though it is not necessary, we kind of advocate it. Even at this point, I know who are my friends and who genuinely cared for me and who are the ones who try to make money out of me by selling me "hope". We kind of lose our moral compass along the way. Because we just want to make money. 

Worse, I can tell you, over the last few years, we bad mouth our fellow colleagues, our fellow competitors in the industry. We have no qualms about it. So if we can put them down to give ourselves an advantage, we do it. And that's what happening right now, medical, dental everywhere. My challenge to you is not to lose that moral compass. I learnt it the hard way, I hope you don't ever have to do it.

Secondly, a lot of us will start to get numb to our patients as we start to practise. Whether is it government hospitals, private practice, I can tell you when I was in the hospital, with stacks of patient folders, I can't wait to get rid of those folders as soon as possible; I can't wait to get patients out of my consultation room as soon as possible because there is just so many, and that's a reality. Because it becomes a job, a very routine job. And this is just part of it. Do I truly know how the patient feels back then? No, I don't. The fears and anxiety and all, do I truly understand what they are going through? I don't, not until when this happens to me and I think that is one of the biggest flaws in our system. 

We’re being trained to be healthcare providers, professional, and all and yet we don't know how exactly they feel. I'm not asking you to get involved emotionally, I don't think that is professional but do we actually make a real effort to understand their pain and all? Most of us won’t, alright, I can assure you. So don't lose it, my challenge to you is to always be able to put yourself in your patient's shoes. 

Because the pain, the anxiety, the fear are very real even though it's not real to you, it's real to them. So don't lose it and you know, right now I'm in the midst of my 5th cycle of my chemotherapy. I can tell you it’s a terrible feeling. Chemotherapy is one of those things that you don't wish even your enemies to go through because it's just suffering, lousy feeling, throwing out, you don't even know if you can retain your meals or not. Terrible feeling! And even with whatever little energy now I have, I try to reach out to other cancer patients because I truly understand what pain and suffering is like. But it's kind of little too late and too little.

You guys have a bright future ahead of you with all the resource and energy, so I’m going to challenge you to go beyond your immediate patients. To understand that there are people out there who are truly in pain, truly in hardship. Don’t get the idea that only poor people suffer. It is not true. A lot of these poor people do not have much in the first place, they are easily contented. for all you know they are happier than you and me but there are out there, people who are suffering mentally, physically, hardship, emotionally, financially and so on and so forth, and they are real. We choose to ignore them or we just don't want to know that they exist. 

So do think about it alright, even as you go on to become professionals and dental surgeons and all. That you can reach out to these people who are in need. Whatever you do can make a large difference to them. I'm now at the receiving end so I know how it feels, someone who genuinely care for you, encourage and all. It makes a lot of difference to me. That’s what happens after treatment. I had a treatment recently, but I’ll leave this for another day. A lot of things happened along the way, that's why I am still able to talk to you today. 

I'll just end of with this quote here, it's from this book called Tuesdays with Morris, and some of you may have read it. Everyone knows that they are going to die; every one of us knows that. The truth is, none of us believe it because if we did, we will do things differently. When I faced death, when I had to, I stripped myself off all stuff totally and I focused only on what is essential. The irony is that a lot of times, only when we learn how to die then we learn how to live. I know it sounds very morbid for this morning but it's the truth, this is what I’m going through. 

Don’t let society tell you how to live. Don’t let the media tell you what you're supposed to do. Those things happened to me. And I led this life thinking that these are going to bring me happiness. I hope that you will think about it and decide for yourself how you want to live your own life. Not according to what other people tell you to do, and you have to decide whether you want to serve yourself, whether you are going to make a difference in somebody else's life. Because true happiness doesn't come from serving yourself. I thought it was but it didn't turn out that way. With that I thank you, if you have any questions you have for me, please feel free. Thank you.


For the fuller, more detailed transcript, you can check here.

This guy here just explained all my fears about success. Particularly the decomposition 
of our moral compasses as we continue to strive towards the pinnacle of human success.
But there are other factors contributing to this fear of mine. They're all interlinked with
one another to form this massive invisible wall blocking me from progressing through.

The topic of success was always a topic of constant debate with my ex. 
But I've gotta thank her though. The breakup woke me up real hard. Like
another Mjolnir from Thor through my thick cranium.

Anyways, this isn't about that breakup. There'll be bits about it here and there, but
more importantly, it's about how things have changed for me as a 21 year-old fully 
grown adult.

The element of success has always been around me. It began mostly with peer to peer 
influence back in the good'ol days of school. Back then, it was fun aiming to be on top
in the academics. Mainly because I couldn't do much physically with my fat-ridden physique,
which also contributed to the awful apt I have with sports activities.

Then at one time, I began to realize something about people who worked hard.
Like for instance, my sister. I remembered that we didn't use to have heated quarrels
on a daily basis until we both reached a certain age, which meant that she was a 
totally different person before she realized that she needed to be stellar to land
a chance with medicine.

But due to some horrible set of circumstances, which I blame my dad partially for,
she had to take an alternative, less costy path. She chose psychology, which
happened to be the best decision in her life despite the detour from medicine.

At the time of quarrels, I find her to be always too demanding, selfish and ignorant 
to the thoughts and feelings of the others living under the same roof. There was a 
point where I abhored her attitude so much that I swore I'd never want to be like 
her. Ever

However, looking back, this only started when she began her study rage, when she 
always trapped herself in her room studying in order to prep-up for all in incoming 
exams, score her A's and strive to be the best amongst equals. No doubt I was her 
human punching-bag then. As if getting bullied for being fat at school wasn't bad enough 
haha. But amidst all the pain she had intentionally or unintentionally caused me, she's still
my sister. And I still love her.

As I grew up, my perception changed as I continue to find even more similar 
people out there, of whom I dub as selfish, overdemanding baggerts. I steered 
clear away from them as much as I could back then. But for some reason, something 
kept pulling me back to these people. And somehow I ended up being friends with 
some of them and we shared great things together.

My relationship with my sister has gotten better and I've learned to forgive and forget. 
The only arguments we have now are very civilized and educated debates on our views
about world issues, politics, jobs, life sharing experiences and etc. Nothing of the likes of
when we were constantly bickering about whether we should turn up the volume of the tv 
or not. 

A series of events ensued, and somehow, I got myself a girlfriend. When she showed up, 
her presence in my life led to a more solidified idea of what being successful meant. Mainly 
because she was one of them selfish, overdemanding baggerts, albeit a more demure one. 
Or maybe she just didn't want that side of her to show because we were dating and she 
wanted to be at her best. She was kind enough to show me the ropes, lend me some of her
books and gave me some pep talk about being successful. But I gotta admit I didn't really 
receive it quite well on the other end.

Because I wasn't one of them. I trained myself not to be since a very young age. And I
didn't have a real reason to be a success convert. I was content. I was happy enough.
What else would I need? 

Either way, I learned from her that success comes from a very, very long road of 
misunderstandings, mishaps, shits and lots of patience in overcoming this paramount 
of crap. And this cycle won't stop even after acquiring success. Because success has 
no end until you put a stop to it, or until life stops it for you, like the case of Dr. Richard 
Teo, and Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin. But this non-stop cycle is what makes
success so rewarding, and makes you so much stronger as a person. Because you
just learn to deal with all the shits that are being flung at you and you just can't help
but grow more as a person.

Success is, having lotsa of people thinking wrongly of you, misunderstanding you for
you working hard to be who you can be and misjudging you without even hearing you 
out first. Like my sister. She wasn't really selfish or overdemanding. She just needed 
some peace and quiet to study. I mean, put yourself in a library where you're just trying
to get some reading done for your exam tomorrow, and a group just have to create a 
ruckus in the library. Don't you just feel like pounding them all with the fire extinguisher? 

Anyways, a few years back, I remember asking my mom what she'd do if one day, 
just started acting like my sister. She didn't give me a proper answer and stood there 
looking back at me for a long time in silence. And then she finally gave a shrug and 
muttered out "what can I do?" and walked away. I didn't bother interpreting it. And
I did ask the question out of the blue, not knowing what to expect.

However, I've always felt the longing to be that selfish, demanding baggert. But I didn't. 
Mostly because I don't want to be disrespectful to others, particularly my family members.
Nobody said you can pursue success without being an asshole. But learning how to be an
ass enough really helps you in the long run.

My family values earnestness, honesty, respect, kindness and most important of all, 
always letting life feed us with jokes. We always took things slow, and the priority is 
to remain grateful and happy, not pursuing a certain sort of greed or passion. And for
some odd reasons, my parents always relate passion to lust. I don't get it. Is passion
really just about banging girls? I thought that word has more depth than that.

Anyhow, my eldest brother outgrew this box of values. And my sister definitely 
did the same. Even my younger brother's beginning to step out of it. Perhaps it's
that I follow suit.

Success is also, having lotsa unwanted mishaps. Usually people mishaps that stem 
from initial misunderstandings are the worst since they're usually the ones that really 
rip you apart and force water out of your tear ducts because they have a natural 
tendency to degrade one's self worth to something worse than animal excrement. 

When people just can't get you, they just can't relate. And the longer they are left 
oblivious to your true intentions, hazardous sparks fly in their heads and fleeting 
concerns just slowly evolve into chaotic malice. The next thing you know, the whole 
world's just suddenly closing in on you, threatening to eat you up raw and digest you
in it's belly. 

Don't you just hate the feeling of having lazy-ass sloth of friends that always discourage
you to do the things that matter and when you need their support in something that
does matter, they just leave you alone to have fun? And when they just get bored of
you, they just begin to hate on you for no reason.

It's probably too late to realize this now, but I think I've somehow reflected this 
persona to my ex. Seems like 3 years of continuous disappointment finally took its 
toll on the relationship.  

Success is... dealing with that paramount of crap life throws at you. All the curveballs
you need to handle effectively, all those fucked up brick walls that block your way 
everytime you try to run further ahead. They could be as simple as trying to understand 
a basic math equation because you want to know how it works, or how to score a good
goal in soccer. And when you study them over and over again for 10 cycles, and you still 
don't get it, there you have it, a brick wall just slabbed right through yo face.

Call me weird, but I couldn't do simple math equations properly without the help of my 
coincidental maths mentor, who sat right next to me for a year. The same person who 
changed the way I saw math, and also the one to alter my perception of First World Problems
I always say without him, i'd be dead, and he doesn't believe me till date and will never do. 
Anyhow, we aren't that close anymore because I was a douche for a time, and if there 
was any epic achievement I've ever had before, it's the Pissing Off People Who Care 
About Me Award.

Of course, there're also those brick walls that are made of flesh and resemble people.
They put you down, harass your soul and make your life as difficult as it could get.
But when you finally climb over them... oh boy, that sure is a great day.

Success.... Success is being really patient with life fucking things up for you. Because 
when things fuck up, and you give in, you'll usually feel a momentary state of pure bliss
caused by the feigning of ignorance. But put the gear in long-term, and you'd be facing 
the biggest possible regretful turning point in your entire life. 

I know because I gave in almost all my life. To my parents. To my friends. To my teachers.
To random strangers. And more importantly, I gave in to myself. The wrong me. 

I've had this ridiculous epiphany from a young age that everytime I continued to work 
hard, things just kept getting harder and harder and I won't necessarily be rewarded
for my efforts. Why spend so much energy pushing on when you can just kick in, chill 
and relax? 

It's like when I get stabbed with a pencil lead into my arm, I just have to show no 
reaction. Because if I do, the bullies get what they want, and they continue to harass
me with the same antics.

When I try to fight back, suddenly everyone begins to come in and act like a judge.
Hurting people was always wrong. But I guess to them, hurting me wasn't that big of
a deal, since I was fat, slow and a defenseless recluse who happens to be one of the 
minorities in my school. Funny part was that the I was targeted by my own kind, not 
the peaceful majorities in my school back then. 

Man, I really should have hurled that chair back then.

Then at home, speaking out my opinions were always taboo. And I was always 
considered childish no matter how fucking hard I try to reason. So I gave up caring.
Now that I'm older, things are a little different. 

So, in a way, I grew up with this sense of numbness I guess. To be always actively finding 
false happiness to occupy my saddened state of mentality by diving into games, books, and
whatever I could find that wasn't hard to do, and not pursue all the harder roads that were 
present before me. Because I lacked the motivation and I never wanted to go through the 
trouble in the first place.

I wasn't taught about greatness. I was however, taught about how miserably doomed I am
from a young age, that I could never be good in anything I do. And hard work will never
reap rewards.

Now, looking back, I'd really love to just give ol' Osla a good elbow right in his face.
Because elbows are more painful. Punches are overrated. And he'd have turned out a 
lot better now if he did things right. Assuming the current me already know what right is.

Probably the current me needs a good elbow too. But I guess you could equate a spiritual
breakdown from a breakup to a good hard elbow to the face. Sometimes, I'd like to think 
that I deserve worse than a peaceful one for all the disappointment I've caused her. Good
thing I wasn't in that mindset that day. If not, things would have gotten awry.

So here I am today, a changed person. Mainly because after I know what I've impeccably
lost, and it's impossible for me to get it back; ever, that I began to feel that every single 
thing I've spent time doing so far was worthless, meaningless and just made me more
pathetic than I could have ever dreamed to be.

For the past month, I've noticed that there was this undying will inside me that was
brimming with energy, and was waiting to be set loose. And I welcomed it to fill up
the broken spiritual altar I have within me. Since then, I've noticed an increase with 
volatility in my character, getting more and more easily annoyed with all the small
things that happen around me, but also heightened consciousness with all the things
I wanted to get rid off. Especially bad habits.

I'm surprised to see myself actually getting things done. One by one, one at a time 
by crossing out my list of to-do's. This never happened to me before. Even during 
college. I really never knew I had it in me lying dormant for so long to be this excitedly 
motivated to get things done. 

This is one of my first times, genuinely feeling happier and more confident with myself,
while building up my pride upwards. I can feel the fear to pursue success is fading away. 
Maybe I've found something within me that's overpowering this fear. A feeling greater 
than my acrophobia itself.

It could be love. It could be lingering attachments that I refuse to let go. Things were 
perfect when it was still around. Now that it's gone, I'm no longer content, and I'm in 
a mode where I'd do almost anything to have it back. 

People always say you won't know the true value of something until it is lost to you. 
I've lost it, and these words and I will be having some uber bromance for a long 
period of time.

But I know in my mind for a fact that I've already lost it. I'm just letting my heart fool 
myself into thinking that there's still hope. Like how there will be 2013.

Hope is frail, but it's really just very hard to kill. It's scary sometimes how people can 
live under a fabricated reality. But hey, if you can make those fabrications a reality... I 
don't see why one should stop dreaming the impossible.

A time for new beginnings. It's never too late to start now. Wish me luck. n_n

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Blogger Basics II

If you haven't read the first one, it's alright. I'm sure you're here because
you want to know how to customize your blog effectively.

So back to the Customize section.

If you're not HTML literate (like me), don't bother with Edit HTML. 
Hit the Customize Button and it should take you to the Template Designer.

*Some important things to know about Template Designer.

The Apply to Blog button is your save button. If you've liked what you've done so far
with your blog, click it periodically to not lose any changes you've made after all the
tinkering. But if you're not happy at all with what you've done, or you already have
a good design and you're just fooling around to see what works best, then don't press the
Apply to Blog until you're sure.

Ok, so, from the screenie above, you can tell that you can also swap your design templates
anytime from the Templates tab. So don't worry about always going back to the Layout Page
just to switch your templates. You can do it here. No fuss.

That being said, lets begin with Backgrounds

If you leave it blank, the background will follow whatever it is you've set as the colour of
your background. Now, lemme share you a little secret.

Click on the arrow or the square in the middle. Doesn't matter. It'll open up this lovely window.

Selecting the background images is a no-brainer. But look at what happens when you hover over
the image with your cursor. You see a name with a link. Click it and it should take you to an
iStockphoto webpage like this.

Doesn't matter which picture you've selected. Click the image or the [Get this image now] button. It'll
take you to this place.

Pay attention to the sizes offered. Use the measurements if you want to Upload Image. The medium one
is usually fine. But also look at the amount of bytes that particular image has. Why? Look down here.

Yes. YES. Your image must be within 300kb in size. Kinda ridiculous right? I too have
no idea how such crisp and clear images are still readily available through the free images
given. But fret not, there's a way to solve this.

*P/S 1800x1600 in img size will guarantee you an image that'll always be there, unless
if someone uses a really REALLY big screen then.. oh well. Maybe it'd look a bit off.

I hope you have Photoshop or Illustrator because these are the only ways I know to solve
this problem haha.

Go to image sizes. And you'll see this window.

See the Resolution there? Uncheck all the 3 options you see there and change the resolution.
72 is usually low enough and is a good resolution to go with. For the Sizes, check the total width
and height on your blog first at the [Adjust widths] tab. And voila, your picture should be good
to go for the background should you want to put it in.

Also, remember to set the alignment to middle. Tile won't matter if your picture
is big enough. If you're looking to make a pattern background with a small image,
then use Tile.

Scroll with page will determine whether your background moves as you scroll or not.
Uncheck to keep it static and Check to let it slide up and down as you do with your page.

Now, there's Adjust Widths

It's pretty basic actually. Just slide the indicator there to raise or lower your width.
You can also type in the numbers manually and all your previews can be seen below
the gray option window ^.

*Tip, if you're a fan of using BIG images, like using Extra Large setting, you'll notice that
if your blog borders are too narrow, and if the image was set in landscape, it'll bleed over
the borders of your post, making it larger than life I suppose. 950 width is a good place to
start. I remember any less than that and it'd create a suffocating atmosphere around your
blogpost with the Extra Large images almost kissing your borders.

Now, if you go to the Layout tab, you'll see the same interface as what you'd see in your Layout
tab in your normal Blogger dashboard. You can also move around stuff here like what you can do
there. But the space is kinda squished out, thanks to the gray window above it, so.. suit yourself!

But in my personal opinion, too many columns just spoil your blog. So keep it clean. Only use one
side column. I've already tried the other kinds but it didn't really suit my taste. So if you feel otherwise,
feel free.

All the layouts given are pretty straightforward. But if you're not really good with the alignments of
all the extra square and all, going single column is usually the way to go. You can use my setting up
there haha. Footer barely matters since it's only the extras down there. Experiment and see which
one you like best :)

Ok, here comes the fun part.

options is the one that really sets apart your blog from any other ones out there.
It changes the colours of literally every component in your blog and even enables you to
set transparency settings for your blog with certain templates.

And the designer is pretty friendly too. Everytime you click on something, it'll highlight
your preview with that red dotted line to tell you which part you're changing. So it's
quite a hassle-free tool.

But if anything, pay attention to your Font Size. Keep it between 10-14. You don't want
it any higher or any lower, unless if you're trying to emulate a newspaper press or create
templates for babies books on a blog.

Any font type is fine. But avoid the ones that come out too fancy. It looks good with one
word, but aches the shit out your eyes when you see a hundred. And if you're looking to be
taken seriously in a blog, then never touch Comic Sans. Because.. well.. I'd let you check
this site out instead. It's a designer/typographer joke but really, Comic Sans is just ugh.

And if you were wondering how to put the transparency thingy, this is how you do it.

See that small box that says transparent? Just click it. But remember to make sure your fonts are
dark/bright enough to create enough contrast against your background to be legible to your readers.

And on another note, try your best to resist the urge of making quirky colours the default colour
of all your page words. It looks the most ridiculous with serif fonts (like Georgia). Sans-Serif always
look good regardless (like Arial). But if you're the kinda person who like to write long-ass shit,
then by all means, go for serif. Google, those keywords if you donno what they mean :)

Also, if you're really not sure how to mix and match your colours, you can always try the
suggested colours and see if you like any of the suggestions. If you don't then.. haha, it's
time for another experiment X. But a quick trick would be to use complimentary colours.

Ok, this ends the beginners tutorial. Now that you know all the functions in Blogger, it's time
for some personal explore-time~