Friday, November 09, 2012

Not A Standard Fairytale

I've decided to put this up because there are things I
need to make peace with. And well, I finally got the
to meet up with me ex, to talk things out.

It's gonna be a long post, so.. just bear with me if you
wanna see it all through.

I gave it all I got, one last time, in memory of the
this Simple Wonder we've shared, to at least see if
a chance still exists just a while back. I've tried my
best convincing her, but we just couldn't reconcile.

I'm somewhat glad and morbid at the same time to
say that, things are finally over between us. We're
strangers again, but we've both found it hard to get
rid of our old habits of being friends. So we're still
friends.. I guess.

According to her, the habits are like clockwork. It's
not that it's bad or good... It's just... a habit that's just
very hard to die.

It's been very awkward for me all these while, holding
myself back from having any contact with her at all. I'm
very happy to know that she's moved on well, and never
looked back since. So.. this time the emo is one-sided haha.

And when we finally talked it out, I've experienced something
more comforting than love itself. And it was the feeling of being
friends once more. It really ached me to not be able to have
any form of communication with her at all.

To be honest, we were always better being good friends than a
couple. We're so used to being buddies that sometimes romance
just doesn't work. Well.. we've got our share of moments. But
if you compare it with our share of bloopers, it's a hell lot more.

I actually have another version of this post that I was so nervous
about posting, and I was intending to send it to her in e-mail. But
I forgot to save it, so.. I guess I'm just gonna go ahead anyways
and rewrite it all over to reflect today's, and the entire relationship
experience as a whole.

Who needs a double post anyways right?

So this post, is about me, letting you and everyone out there know
that sometimes, the things you want aren't what you need.

And today, I got what I needed, not what I wanted.

I loved her more than life, and I was willing to abandon ship just to be
with her, but she was bigger than that. We were bigger than that. So, we
both didn't follow our hearts, we were going through an intense logical
process instead. Because.. well, lets say the both of us has seen enough
of each other for 3 years, and we kinda learned the hard way that we
shouldn't follow our emotions too much.

There were many realizations that I haven't come to talk about in the open
before, but I think it's right for me to do so now. I'm not sure why, but,
you'll know as you read I guess.

Lets hope I don't regret this.

First of all, lets talk about how much of a douche I was. If you need an
example, you can always take a look here.

I was such an ass. It's incredible how she was able to put up with me
at all for so long. It wasn't just that, there was also other stuff. But that
was the only post I had where her name wasn't abused all over, so I
guess it's kinda safe to share.

I'll get to removing her names from my tags soon. If you don't know her
name, that's great. If you do.. well... uh, I can't just simply reverse that
now can I?

So continuing from where I left off, I was a major idiot for most part that
couldn't see past his own ego that even made her confront my mom over
our issues.

And to think that I was the one to talk about how our relationship was
supposed to be about us and not involving anyone else. I really can't even
begin to imagine how nervewrecking it was for her, or any girl at all to find
the guts to talk it out with someone else's parent.

In every way, she was always right about me being a lazy, easygoing loner
that's always going into the defensive whenever she tried to push me into a
brighter zone. Not to mention high in ego, insensitive and.. well, just about
everything you don't want in a boyfriend.

Good to know I'm not anymore, or at least it's kinda hard for me to say
since there's noone to actually judge me by being my girlfriend.

Whatever it is, the breakup wasn't what I wanted, but it was really needed
for me to see past all my flaws and better myself.

And more importantly, I shouldn't have posted those posts about her up on
a public blog. Shai and Zen were always right about tactness. It only occured
to me the past year that they were trying to give me good advice, and were
trying to be a good friends by asking me to grow up. But I guess I was too
naive and blind to see back then.

Thanks and sorry for being a douche everyone. I know I can't make any
amendments now to you other than to stop being a douche with immediate
effect. Whether you can find it in yourselves to forgive me or not, I still want
to apologize. But I'll make it up to all of you somehow, someday.

Coming back to the matter, I finally told her that I was actively stalking anything
about her I could find discreetly just to relive any form of connection I've had with
her. I was creepy of course. And I wasn't surprised to know that she actually did
the same, although not with the same vigor I had.

After having such an abrupt breakup that wasn't even confrontational through the
phone, my mind couldn't feel at ease. Well, that's my rational explanation. As to
why I even really did that in the first place.. *shrugs*

I guess my heart was confused. I was desperate. For anything at all. I gave her silent
treatment before and boy, did I taste this first-person real bad. I was in a position
where I'd take all I can get without having to cause her any trouble.

And yes, I was trouble. Trouble all through. If there's anything that was actually
safe to assume, I can at least say her grades would've been a lot better if I wasn't
in her life. She's wasted so much time for me, and I just bear this burden of guilt
as much as to my own dismay.

But now that we've talked it out. I don't feel that way anymore. I mean, I still
kinda do, but she told me not to feel this way, and I want to at least honour
that as her friend, and in memory of whatever great things we've shared together,
hence this post, and me, moving on for both our sake.

I realized that all this while (since the breakup), I could have just made more
effort, and things would've been better for us. It didn't have to end this way.
I once said she was being a log that I'd have to drag after I cut it down. But
what I didn't know was that I was the greater log, and she was struggling
to even keep up with the burden of being with me.

I couldn't live up to her expectations, I never saw through any of her hints,
and well, things just didn't work out long term. So here we are, me actually
living up to some of her expectations, realizing all the hints I've missed before
only to know that our time has ended and the chances have come to pass.

There's a time and place for everything. And there just wasn't anymore for
the both of us at the moment. So make sure you give it all you've got when
you've found the right person.

She also kept pestering me to open myself up to the other people out there.
I guess... there'll be a time for that next time. Just... not at the moment haha.
I donno if I can find anyone else that could make me feel the way she does
to me, and I'm still attached to my loyalty towards her despite the breakup,
so much so that when I think about other women, I just feel guilty. So.. it's
kinda hard for me right now.

And there was this update that just really hit me like a lightning bolt back then
during my stalking activities.

From here.

“Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.” ~Louis de Bernieres

When I first read this, it put my thoughts into a long pause. I couldn't
think straight and everything I felt was just this building of guilt, dread
and everything bad I've caused her.

I don't even know what got to me a while back. I was just so tired after I've
finished touring the mall to prepare for the last outing with her. When I came
back to do my workouts, my mom asked me if I was ok, and I just suddenly
bursted into a tear bomb. I experienced gray silence within me once more after
such a long time back since my first real mental breakdown.

And ironically for me, we've decided to talk it out at Sunway anyways. Haha,
what a waste of effort. But.. oh well, I guess thought counts sometimes.

I'm currently reminded with this one quote on FB I read last week which says:

Guys always make girls cry, but if a girl can make a guy cry, she must really mean something to him
Boy, she made me cry alright. Because I really really wanted her back. But
I guess it's just not meant to be. I appreciated her honesty in telling me that
she was tempted to get back with me after witnessing my transformation,
but she's got better priorities than a love life, which I can't agree more,
because it applies to me as well.

Probably you too.

I honestly don't know how much tears have been lost over my sheer idiocy.
But I'm thankful that karma showed me all the hurt I've caused to her over
the course of years she's been with me.

I swear I'll try my best to not let anyone feel this way ever again. Man or
woman, friend or companion. WELL, unless if you're really asking for it...
I suppose I could give myself a shred of lenience just to humour you.

But I digress.

For the past month, I've never played a single game since then. I've got my act
together, and I don't see myself doing nothing anymore. My artworks are also
improving gradually and all's great! Just that we're not the same people we
were anymore.

I regretted saying that her FB lacked updates back then too when in fact, there
were so many things to look into in her account. There was even a convenient
"Likes" button there for me to go through if I could interest her with anything she's
liked so far. But what did I do back then? NOTHING.

There's also Twitter at one point when she asked me to join up, and I didn't,
when ironically I was the one who told her to be more involved with each
other's interest. This irony is chewing me inside out.

I don't even remember how many time she's flashed her Pinterest page to me,
hinting me to just go and take a look. And I had to only pay her page a visit
after the breakup.

So guys and girls out there, if you wanna know more about someone and
you genuinely feel that way, there's really no excuse really. I'm completely
ashamed of myself to think that I even so much as thought that I loved
her a lot, and I couldn't even do simple things like this.

So if you wanna stalk, do it right. Don't do it half-heartedly.
And make sure you don't fall too deep into an emo pit.
Do it moderately.

I've read everything only to know all the tiny details I've overlooked after
all this time. And it really occured to me that I wasn't a very sensitive partner.
Well, it's like I said, the breakup was what I needed. And it's completely
changed the perception of who I am as a person today.

Haha, to think that I prepared a full list of to-do's and not-to-do's
on our supposed d-day on Saturday which didn't work out because
she had to leave to see her relatives.

Good thing we could make it today. I even got a job offer to work
tomorrow lolz.

Anyways, the list involved things like not talking about anything related to
her that I don't know of at all, especially info I dug up, what I can do for her
then, whether I should even ask her about us or not and even planned on which
place to go to if we need to hang out and everything. I was even fearful of
the fact that she'd just stood me up.

But our conversation today was more than I could ask for. If anything, it is a very
relieving closure. And it finally put my mind at ease.

Everything was kinda hanging onto what she thought of me. It felt like a
make or break situation, as much as I don't want it to be that way. And
it broke. So.. that's just it.

I screwed up big time. It's finally time for me to accept the fact that I should
let her go, to be with a better man, a better future, anything but me. It might be
irresponsible for me to say that, but that much is true. And... being with me is
not what she wants now anyways. She's got something else in mind ^^

I've come to understand how she's felt now on the day I asked her down from
her apartment an popped the question to her, and every single time after when
she had to walk up and open up herself to me just to talk things out.

Someone said somewhere
From here,

Because you don't deal with the massive amount of trust issues when you
have sex naked, as opposed to being bare with your soul. And once it
breaks, well, look at me, at us. It's a true story. Well, not to imply our
relationship went that far or anything, just a metaphor to stress this issue.

I realized that she was in such an insecure state of mind back then that fear in
the future was the only thing the mind could interpret, but she braved everything,
THRICE, to get back with me, regardless of my attitude, against her mom's wishes,
even when she knew she had to spend more time with me and it could affect her grades.

If only I was mature enough to help her gain that sense of security.

But I have to thank her for that, and I have to appreciate her patience. But I blew it up big time.
She tried so very hard for me. And all I gave her back were excuses, empty words, no
promises, unfulfillment and disappointment. That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship
at all. So the very least I could do was to give her back the effort tenfold.

Just imagine all the disappointment.

I was even fully prepared to move with her, if she'd want me to. But.. well, it's like
I said, things just weren't meant to be.

And to think after all I've put her through, she still had the decency to be considerate
enough to set our meet up at a place nearer to where I live. God, just what have I done
to this innocent soul.

And to... Shaz. Women were never the problem. It's us men. At least this time, I couldn't
agree with what you said back then at EM, at least not for her. She doesn't deserve to be
thought of that way. I on the other hand, I do. Well, some other women do, but this
relationship was purely me.

I mean, we've both come so far and we both have our share of fallacies, but I'm to
blame for most part.

I sincerely and earnestly thought that if I could just get another chance, I can promise things
will be different. And even if I can't get that chance... things will still be different. Because
she made me realize that. And I'm truly ashamed of myself that she had to come to the point
of breaking up only to make me really see.

Her love changed me. I want to give back all that I owe to her if she could still allow me in
her life. So this is me, honouring what good memories we've had.

My goal was to be the luckiest man on earth again at first, but it doesn't coincide with letting
her be the luckiest person on earth. So.. I'll just have to make do.

Oh.. looks like maybe I did one thing right. Maybe.

I've finally learnt my lesson real hard. I wasn't good enough back then, and even if I am
now, the timing is not right. So this is me, sharing my experience with y'all. I'm not
sure if you'll learn anything from this, but I hope you do.

We all want fairytale endings. But you've gotta work for it, pay attention to it
and most of all, act like you'll never ever want to let it go. Because I didn't
understand this kinda motivation until the breakup. This breakup is a major
turning point in my life.

I'm here, better than I ever was compared to when we were still dating.
For that, I'm eternally grateful for the experience.

I don't know if a higher power is at work here. But I know this experience
is meant to be for me.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate the thought of you taking time to read
this whole post. Because sometimes, we just have to give thanks where
it's due. And I'd like to start this habit now.


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