Thursday, April 11, 2013

of Greek and Final Chapters.

Watch this. 3.28.

I recall saying what love is to me some time ago.
The line in the given video sounds surprisingly familiar.

And maybe this. 7.23.

I cried. This sucks.

Greek is such a great work of fiction.
Nothing in it is real, but when the right scenes just
flash by through you, you just get eureka moments.

The line in your head that says, "Omg, that was me!"
and tears just start rolling down your cheeks.

I had so many of them already that I'm beginning to
think that watching this series really helps me get through
a certain stupid process.

The process of dealing with a post break-up.

I'm pretty sure movies and other kinda of dramas and series
can do that to people as well. But I guess it just so happens
that Greek filled up that slot for me right now. So... time for
some meat huh?

My relationship with my ex, was like my relationship diploma. It taught
me everything there is to know in a relationship. About commitment,
responsibilities, tolerance, acceptance, compromise and separation.

If you indulge into Greek, then you'd probably understand the following terms
that holds the entire gist of what transpired in my relationship:

When we first started out, I was Rusty and Jen K. I'm a bit
like Rusty, social wise. But I'm more hopeless Cappie than anything.
When we broke up, I realized I wasn't Cassie's Evan Chambers. But
what sucks more was knowing that I was Cappie, when things
ultimately didn't work out between him and Rebecca Logan.

So you can figure that out somehow if you'd like I guess.

Cappie's words were simple and clean.

"I couldn't step up for Rebecca. 
I couldn't change. 
She needed more. 
She needed real support.
I couldn't give it to her.


I miss her."

Most of you don't know, but my ex and I got back together
last October. And we broke up mid March this year.

Nobody knows this because I chose not to talk about her
anymore in my public blog. And look at what we've got here.

Our last 5 months together served to only have one purpose,
and that was to educate us about how futile it was to keep
working hard on a relationship that keeps hurting both parties..

No matter how hard I worked, it just wasn't meant to be.
No matter how hard she worked, it just wasn't meant to be.
No matter how hard we worked, it just wasn't meant to be.

I still love her. I miss being with her.
And I know full well that we can still be friends.

But I also learned and understood that being friends, staying
as friends, is really unfair to the both of us. At least for now.
So I can't do that to her. And I can't do that to me.

When I first started this blog, I promised myself that I'd be as
open to myself in this blog and not hide anything. A good friend,
of course taught me not to back down of my open opinions no
matter what, in which sadly, he completely has no recollection of.

Regardless, I can't keep that promise anymore. Because it's
not fair to involve other people's memories with me, especially
the bad ones, in a place where it could so easily taint their
reputation forever.

I know that now. But what's done's done. I can delete posts.
But I can't delete what people know from what I did before.

Now that I know, what am I gonna do huh?

I donno. I've never mentioned any names of anyone related to me
much in this blog for a very long time and I don't think I'm going to
stop doing so anytime soon.

... ok, maybe besides that one about my younger brother. I'm
proud of that one so, nevermind that.

I have to always remind myself, "what if things don't work out?"

Like my relationship. And my other shattered friendships.
Shattered mainly because whatever trust we may have had
together, the foundation of it, has crumbled to the core, and
can never be the same no matter how much paste and effort
is put in its reconstruction.

I  really believed it was forever. And I worked for forever.
But after everything was over, I realized that I forsook everything
I was for the sake of forever that never could happen.

I forsook myself.

And it still wasn't enough.
Was it worth it?


Would I give this experience up for anything else?

No. This crack will definitely leave a scar. But I can
at least know for sure now, that there won't be a second
reckoning of what has happened. Because I'd already went
through the entire ordeal, and repeating them with someone
else is the last thing on my list.

The past 3 years of my life was devoted to making myself
Evan Chambers for Cassie Cartwright. But I couldn't
do it. I wasn't man enough to do it. I'm embarassed,
ashamed, sad, disappointed. Crushed.

So I'm just Cappie from Season 2 Episode 4.

I've never deleted anything I've posted before. But some
things are meant to go. Like this first love. So I'll probably
make a quick sweep down my posts and send some of
the posts to the trash bin.

I have to put the past behind me. This... grief has to end.

This is a start of something new.

The understanding that sometimes, the only way for you
to love, is to not love anymore. Because when you realize
that the more you love, the more you hurt that person, you
just shouldn't continue loving that person anymore.

What if that person could take the hurt huh? Well, here's the
real question. What if that person couldn't?

Not giving up is a myth in some cases.
This case definitely is one of them.

In a normal fairytale ending, love always prevails.
In reality, we'd like it to be somewhat similar.
But we don't always get what we want no matter
how hard we work for it.

And our life has no ending until we die. Just new chapters.

Choosing to believe and hold on to someone you love
is a form of strength. But nobody ever told us that letting
go and properly moving on uses just as much strength.
Sometimes even more than the former.

Because we as humans don't like to advocate failure by nature.
Having blind false hope is always easier than dealing with the
grief of facing reality.

If you had a choice to love someone silently from afar, or to
tell that person your feelings to see what happens, most people
would choose the safer option. To love from afar.

Because even if you do get hurt, it's just you. Not both parties.
And you can easily do so with someone else after that.
Just a matter of changing your hopeful wishes.

But that's the thing. Failure is what helps us learn the most.
It teaches us grit, suffering, misery, the things that we don't
want other people to experience, because we did.

Because we know it sucks to feel like that. But the reality is
that we shouldn't always shield people from making mistakes.
Some of them need to happen.

The only mistake we ever need to prevent is when it's the
matter of life and death. Everything else should be treated
as a normal learning process.

Sometimes innocent fairytale love myths work for the right
bunch of people who has the luck for it.. I just don't think
I'm in the right bunch for such luck.

As sad as I am, I'm not depressed and suicidal.
But I definitely do need a good break from people.

I don't feel like going out with anyone. I don't want anyone
besides my family to have to go through this stupid process
with me.

As crappy as I feel, I still have to pretend I'm ok. So if there's
anything they need to put up with, it's just me looking ok.

It's really gonna take a while to for me to completely cool off.

I need to do this alone. I'll work things out somehow.
I've got this breakup coming to me a long time ago anyways.

One of you is definitely gonna be thinking of telling me that there
are plenty of fishes to catch in the sea. I've heard that a lot really.
And as much as I appreciate the good thought, just hear me out.

I'd never want someone to be with me because I'm what it takes to
help that person get over her ex. I don't want anyone to feel like they're
a second option. Making someone your warm body is just sad.

And talking to me about hooking up with someone else is just really
really offensive to me. I donno about you, but I just find it very
disrespectful to women to think that they are easy targets and
can be replaced so easily.

I donno, maybe some of them out there might beg to differ. But
this is Malaysia mate. Those kinda women only exist in certain
elaborate social circles.

So, like I said, I appreciate the thought. But no thanks.

Although I can't love my ex anymore, I'm still as loyal to her as I
was her Golden Retriever. Everytime I try to think positive and feel
like going out to grab a chance, I get ridden with guilt and all the
happiness backfires.

It feels like I'm cheating on her even when we aren't together anymore.
Because despite this massive failure, she's still very special to me.

It's stupid no doubt. But no degree of logic nor good advice can
overturn this mess in my head now. I just need to be alone.

Maybe I need therapy. Maybe I need a friend.

I donno.

Lovesickness is painful and exhilarating. Like punching a wall for fun.
Lovegrief is painful and exhausting. Like recovering from a car accident.

I'm not strong and I'm done pretending to be.

So... this my friend, is the final chapter of my first real relationship.
Relationships suck when they end. But things will always get better.

I think.

Anyways, I wish you all the best of luck in your fairytale ending.
It's not like I can have one anyways. Thanks for reading.
Enjoy Greek if you haven't.

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