Friday, May 10, 2013

Bullet Train: 10 Toes Short.




Just the other day, my bro's gf saw me with my new haircut when she dropped by the house,
and gee, was she flabbergasted.

I don't see a reason why she'd have the need to feel the way she did with my new look.
I mean, even if her world mission was to make everyone look great, her sudden reaction
kinda took me off guard and I was pretty chippy when I gave her my response.

And it's just the usual military cut lolz.

Anyway, after letting that event sorta incubate in my mind, I had this idea about how
I should react to people who... I donno, are concerned with my looks.

"Well, look, I'm not looking to get spikes on my hair if you know what I mean. When 
I really wanna do it, just for the fun of it, I'll come looking for you, kay? So for now, 
do us both a favor and don't mind me. I appreciate your concern though, but no thanks."

This should've been what I was supposed to say.

Oh well, lets hope that comes out right when it needs to.

Speaking about nothing important, I've come to realize a few other things that I find
not so important in my life in the past few days. One of them being sourcing out a
new potential the one.

I must admit, being the guy who was in a serious relationship for 3 years, poured
my heart out for it in a jar and actually made up my mind that Pastella was the
one, and had to let it go in the end to drop and shatter, sucks cockatrice.

But it taught me that, more often than not, sometimes I just wished I weren't in a
relationship. It wasn't about whether or not there's a sea of fishes out there for me to
swim in and venture the possibilities with, but it had a lot more to do with whether or
not our mutual interests coincide, and that our emotions were in sync with one another.

I loved her. She loved me. So what was the fatal flaw?

Well, our mutual interests weren't the issue. It had more to do with our emotions that
were never really at the right places at the right times. We weren't a horrible match, but
our timing was horrendous lol.

Turns out after we gave things a shot, those things somewhat shot me a bullet too. And
I can't seem to get that bullet out after its puncturing entrance. Funny how the wound has
healed, but the bullet remains embedded inside.

But why'd I care anyways? MY HEART WAS IN A JAR AND IT SHATTERED.
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Anyways, that bullet, is the epiphany that if all my future relationships are gonna be
like this, an utter waste of time, effort and investment, why bother? If never happened
yet. So why give up now right?

I guess it's because I'm tired. Well, my ex had a knack for making me feel like shit for
a future she can never fathom or control. I think that's a normal process for everyone in
general. What she failed to do however, was keeping her cool with it. She allowed the
issues to implode within and well, sad to say we could kiss our relationship goodbye.

And I must say, dealing with her implosion for 3 years finally took its toll on my psyche.
So yes, I do genuinely feel like giving up before giving things a chance. I learn from the best
after all.

I guess I don't want to be the guy who can make all the magic happen for that one special
person anymore. Love is beautiful no doubt, but commitment sure knows how to make an
ugly appearance in that magical setting where unicorns exist. I mean, look at Najib.

And it always gets uglier when you find out that beautiful love you share, isn't enough to take
up the weight of commitment, and all the safety nets, no mater how awesome they are, snap.
Whatever magic you've had together just vanishes into thin air. No more talk about chemistry,
or interests or whatnot. It was as if there wasn't any love in the first place.

Because there's nothing more to talk about. The love was fake. It was too fragile.
It was innocent. And it wasn't strong enough to manifest. So yes, it's as good as there
wasn't any. But at least there was a tsunami.

When you come to understand that commitment is a balancing act on a tightrope, you just
realize that it doesn't really matter who does more or less. When you give too much, you'll
lean too much on one side and fall down. When you don't, you'll just be waiting for yourself
to fall down eventually. And if you don't have a weight bar to support your balance, you'll
have nothing to balance on other than yourself.

Frankly speaking, needy people who can't seem to appreciate themselves aren't
worth our magic. You help them grow out from their shell only to find that their ego
benefits way too much from it. And as much as they feel indebted to you for having
that empty gap of basic love in them fulfilled by someone else other than those nasty
pricks called family, they finally move on from you, expecting something better. When
they are happy, they want to be happier, and the possibilities suddenly becomes limitless
for them, therefore pushing themselves to crush whatever they had before so that they
could get what they really deserve.

Something more. And maybe becoming a prick in the process too.

Great for them. Not as much for those who have to kick ass so much their toes have
gangrene. But what can they do? If the people they lost their toes for those who don't
give a shit about them in the end what can they do? The toes are already lost.

And why would those people who moved on have to care about? Those toeless buggars
decided to lose their toes for a reason greater than their toes. So why should they regret
that decision if they chose that route themselves right?

Well, it's normal for people to regret about stuff like when you take a bullet for
someone only to know that the man you saved in the gunfire was a raging pedophile.
And to know from Jesus that he gave another kid a trauma after your heroics for him
really churns up the nasties within. Especially when you knew you died for him.

Anyways, magic, is magic. It's the kind of thing that puts people in awe and great disbelief
because nobody'd actually think something like it can be pulled off by a one man show. And
magic happens. It's just that the people who're at the receiving end of it could never be able
to imagine the great deal of time, effort and attention it demands to happen.

But that's the whole point anyways. Fireworks are like magic.When people see them, they
make people ecstatic and high on drugs happy. Not full of grief. Nobody needs to know what
happens during the preparation besides those people who're losing toes to make magic happen.

And I think I've got no more toes left to lose for such magic. They are all already amputated
and gone. Whether my toes were actually worth someone's happiness or not doesn't matter
anymore. They are already lost. And I just have to accept that fact.

I'm throwing in the towel for Futurella now because I don't think she's is worth
my time, effort and attention, let alone toes. I've got other things that demand my
magic and who knows, maybe it'll spawn Nutellas out.

If I've learned anything else important in my previous relationship, it was the fact that
the love that sustains your well-being doesn't need to come from someone who loves
you. However, it has to first come from you loving yourself and finding out the proper
ways to do it.

Funny how our parents have been doing that job for us all their lives. And it takes us
quite the time to figure it out. For me, I guess it took Pastella to happen.

Once you already know how to take care of yourself, then being with another person
would just be a matter of showing that person that side of how you love yourself. If
that person fancies those gangrenous toes, then your mutual interests coincide as she
wants to be as toeless as you are. The same can be said if you like how she is taking
care of her hair, and you want yours to be somewhat like hers.

You'll still work hard on the relationship. Just not so much between you and
the other person anymore. Everything else can work out on their own somewhat
whenever mutual respect is involved I think.

Anyways, I intend to stitch up this part of my heart tight. I mean, it did shatter after that
jar dropped. Not sure how much juice is left in there too. I'd love to however, find out
what it's like to lose my fingers for someone one day. But till then, if it'll ever happen at
all, I'll just settle with being the guy with no toes left.

I'm afraid I'll take a pass on a fancy hairdo, or a fashion makeover and whatnot.
I don't need it. It's not like there's an 80's party around the corner anyways.

Letting go is oddly relieving. Too bad my toes won't be there to share the breeze.

It's really not that bad of a life, being alone. Of course, I guess I can say this because
I'm not pressured by my parents to bear offspring for the family as soon as I can.
And since I already own such a privilege, might as well act like I do.

There was once a woman who said that she didn't need men to make it big in the world.
And through that brief sharing of words, it set a tone for an idea to develop. The idea that
women can be as independent as men can. And that they don't need men's help to get what
they want, or need in life.

Who in the hell made up the idea that all men are independent and reliable creatures is beyond
my knowledge, but as far as I'm concerned, men and women are no different besides their physical
appearance and functions. We both have the same share of sentiments towards life, face similar
insecurities and yearn for a certain similar degree of success in being alive.

We're talking about people in modern context now. Not cavemen sciences. And there's just as
much womanly guys out there in the world as there are with manly girls. Even unknown heroes
and those stuck up degenerates share the same ratio.

And geebers, to think that I read something like men drink because they face reality and
women don't because they don't. What kinda load of bull is that? Some women don't even
need to drink to face reality. Whoever said that must be one sad pack of flesh to only be hanging
around females who can't seem to get their minds straight on reality his entire life. Those who
actually liked that idiot's remark are no worse than the buffoon himself.

Why can't men think more like that woman? Why the need to give a crap about settling down?
We humans are social creatures. But being alone doesn't kill us now does it? It's not like all of
us are desperate for attention and are completely incapable of loving yourself.

Wait, or are we?

Anyhow, experiencing love is a beautiful thing. Losing toes or having your heart shattered
in a jar sure damn straight doesn't feel great though.

But despite how our shit ended, I guess my ex and I still need one another to get over each
other, like climbing up that thick fat wall called being friends. So I'm gonna help her out and
maybe in the process, I'll help myself out too.

Things are never over between two souls who've shared love together. And that's why
we have to climb that thick fat wall over each other. That's what makes us more adult
than we already are. Really. Besides the fact that we're gonna be using each other as
human foot stools, all's well.

Things are considered over only when we've found a way to get used to not being like
how we were long enough to say that things are over.

Complicated much? Not really. Time doesn't heal issues. They just give us more time
to work around with them. I was never the person to believe that time heals stuff anyway.
I mean, amputated toes don't regrow. That's a start.

Besides, I don't intend to replicate the experience with someone else. I've had my fill of
love. And I don't want to have to actively compare another girl with my ex in my subconscious
every frickin' moment. I don't intend to find out what an implosion feels like inside my brain neither.

The minute I decided she was perfect for me, she was, and I loved everything about her
from all her bad habits to all the good I see in her. Maybe she knows that too, but she just
wasn't happy with me. Can I blame her for that? I wish. But could I lose my fingers for that?

... I shall intentionally avoid that question

It's sad. But better than suffering together I suppose. I mean, it's coming to a point where I
actually feel pity for all the couples I see who hold their hands and act all happy and stuff as
I know they won't last. I guess that kinda gives those lovebirds more solid reasoning to have
a shotgun marriage. They can deal with the shit after they have fun heheh.

But I do honestly hope Pastella finds someone that completes her. If she doesn't, well,
I guess it's not my problem now. Just some of the perks of being friends.

Some things that are lost just never come back, like my toes and that shattered jar with my
heart in it. But couples can't expect to do away with one another if they are gonna act as if they
are still a couple, dontcha think?

Old habits die hard. But meh, we're adults. It'll work out.

What. Can't handle a random painting at the end?



I initally intended to write something more morbid. But I guess the lameness from losing all 10
of my toes kinda went commando on operation gung ho.

K, bye. And don't pour your heart out into a jar unless if it's a Nutella jar. You'll die of chocolate
addiction in the very least that way.

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