Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Lets Go Out There And Make This Bitch Happy

I think in every relationship, there's a bitch. It can be the guy or a girl. The context of bitch doesn't necessarily discriminate just because the dictionary defines it as a female dog.

But I'm pretty sure you all already know that so...

If you've been in the position where you've sacrificed more than you can offer just to make someone happy, you might hate to agree with the statement, but when you do come upon the statement, you can't help but react or respond to it. Because after all, you did experience it.

Some people will laugh. Some people will cry. Some people will remain indifferent. There are many ways to react. But what I do know though, is that we usually go back to the roots of our personalities, behaviours and habits.

If we're used to faking a smile for everything that we begin to feel numb about all the things that hurt us before, we'll fake a smile.

If we laugh at life to make ourselves feel better when life treats us shit for free, laugh we do.

If we're used to self-inflicted pain and self-blame, we'll hate ourselves.

If we're used to just holding it in with suppression, and forcing ourselves to not mirror emotions outwardly, we will do so too.

But I guess laughing helps the most as it releases happy pheromones.

Still, it doesn't solve the issue though.


I was talking to a friend, and what started with a joke (so I thought) ended up in an argument about assumptions. Can't say I wasn't familiar with the topic. I had it a lot when I was dating my ex. I always told her not to assume the worst of things and even if she does, she shouldn't let them get into her head.

And well, I did ask her not to assume any decisions made without any prior discussions involving the both of us. 
Maybe I wasn't saying it properly, or I didn't speak with proper clarity, or she doesn't understand it, or she wasn't paying attention. Because from the 3 years I was with her, she repeatedly did the same things over and over as if she's never heard me telling her about it before.

Well, whatever it is, past is past. She's happy now. Better without me in her life anyways. That alone is a good enough thought for me to feed off with her absence as *the most important thing in the world.*

Beats having nothing anyways.

Anyways, when I was working at Lunchbox before, I also had a talk with my former boss about assumptions. What he told me was very enlightening and I'm really grateful for those short moments he had to spare for someone like me.

He just said, "Osla, even though I'm your boss, most of the time, I'm right, because the things I know, they come from experience, but that doesn't mean I'm right all the time. It's hard to grasp I know, but that's why we have to learn to assume the accurate things. Not everything can be assumed. Some can be. Because when someone assumes something wrong, the business takes the fall, and that's why sometimes you see me so angry and pissed about a lot of things."

It's a confusing piece. But I understand it.

It just basically says that assuming isn't wrong, but when it's wrong, we have to deal with the consequences. But if it's right, then we gotta analyze how it's right in the first place, and try to apply it everywhere else accurately so that there can be an ease of workflow and a happier working environment.

Not all of us are psychic. Reading people isn't always accurate. But it's better than no grounds to work around with at all. Getting one thing right about a customer who walks in and the rest wrong is a lot better than getting none right at all. That's what I've learned from my time there anyways.

Ever since then, whenever I assume about something, I'll make it a habit to fact-check the assumption thoroughly just to prove if it's right. If it isn't, that's great, I just avoided a disaster and I can do what needs to be done to avoid dilemmas. If I assumed correctly, then that's still great, because I can get prepped up for whatever's coming for me or save myself the trouble of doing double-work.

Beats having nothing anyways.

I mean, I read somewhere that an idle mind is a devil's workshop. So I'm usually pretty weary about not thinking about stuff. I mean, it's not like I've seen an actual devil to actually believe that something will get into my head and create a workshop in it. But it's kinda nice to have something occupied in your mind.

Even when sometimes that idea or thought isn't necessarily right.

Don't get me wrong though. Having nothing to think about when you're trying to sleep is like the best feeling ever. It's so relieving and calming. But other than that... I try my best to keep my mind occupied. Because when I let my mind rest, it begins to wander off into uncharted territories that are unsuitable for certain moments. 

That's why it's great to do it when you're trying to sleep. Not when you're wide awake trying to get things done. Well, that's how I think anyways.

Anyways, my point is that having assumptions is a beautiful thing. It keeps the mind and soul inquisitive about world truths. And we all know that everything that cannot be proven through science, has not set rights or wrongs. So truth is always changing and never constant.

Like today, I may assume that "all girl are bitches." But when I find one who isn't a bitch, I cannot apply that statement to her, because she isn't. And after that, it might change into "not all girls are bitches." Then maybe a few years down the road, when I've met more nice people who happen to be females, the perspective might eventually go into, "there are beautiful people out there."

It's sad to think that I'm going through this process in reverse though. Before I got into a relationship, I told myself that there really are beautiful people out there. It was true, I met some great girls. Even after I tried out for them, and got disappointed, I remained adamant with the thought, as if it was guiding me to get into a relationship.

Then eventually, I met my ex, and the term beautiful just went to a whole new level. Until things changed, and I see it happening to a lot of people around me. Not necessarily everywhere, just so happened that all those incidents got to me where I stand. It's annoying, I know, when life is challenging you to think otherwise about something you so firmly believe in.

That there are beautiful people. But life had to show me all the bitches when things got rough all at one go. And after what happened to my relationship, it's hard to have the same conviction about it anymore.

The conviction may differ, but it doesn't mean I'm not waiting for life to challenge me to think otherwise again. I actually still think that there are beautiful people out there, it's just that I can't bear the thought of putting myself out there, give everything I have just to have someone leave me and put all my efforts in vain again. It's pretty unbearable lol.

So until I'm ready again to give relationships another go, bitches it is.

It definitely helps to be pessimistic regarding this issue. Helps keep all my expectations low about people in general and saves my ass from myriads of unnecessary disappointments. I guess it's just my self-defense mechanism when coping with the loss of my primary focus in life.

There will definitely be people who are annoyed by this kinda line of thinking. But I guess this post is here to clear up any misunderstandings that might have spurred through my seemingly "firm belief" about girls. Because for all it's worth, if I ever said it to any of you, I only mean to say that I'm not ready for girls and I don't mean to sound like a female misogynist, even if I come across like one.

Beats having nothing anyways.

You see, it's very different when you already know about something and you're choosing to see things that way instead of having blind faith in a certain belief you hold and pray every single day that it'll one day come true. I did that before, so I kinda know how it feels. I continuously fought over my self-doubt until it came to the point of implosion. Hope is frail and is hard to kill, but when it does get murdered, man. I'd hate to think about it.

Sorry for the long post, and thanks for taking the time to read.
Until then, have a nice day.

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