Monday, September 30, 2013

I'm Grateful 000

I'm grateful that

1. I managed to stay awake throughout the entire morning to open the gate
for my cousin and her friends who bunked in here for the night. They were
supposed to leave at 9am. I waited for them till 11am. I was awake since
3pm the day before.

2. I managed to only sleep 3 hours and not feel tired after waking up.

3. I'm finally doing this today.

4. Someone told me I could take a break, for the first time in all 22 years of my life.


Thursday, September 12, 2013

Stopping The Madness.

I like Wikipedia's definition of hope.

Hope is the state which promotes the desire of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one's life or in the world at large. Despair is often regarded as the opposite of hope.[1] Hope is the "feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best" or the act of "look[ing] forward to something with desire and reasonable confidence" or "feel[ing] that something desired may happen".[2] Other definitions are "to cherish a desire with anticipation"; "to desire with expectation of obtainment"; or "to expect with confidence".[3] In the English language the word can be used as either a noun or a verb, although hope as a concept has a similar meaning in either use.[4]

You see, in all the examples you've read above, everything kinda connects to a single core idea. They all bring you to this one single thing, when broken/shattered/destroyed.

No, it isn't despair.

Despair I believe, is just the absence of hope. And honestly speaking, I actually don't see it being relatively so negative since the absence of hope can never grant disappointment.

Hope does that when smashed to smithereens. It hurts like mad, and it drives one insane.

Some people say living in despair is a sad thing. As a realist though, I can't really say that I agree with that notion. Life is all about variables, and calculating the possibilities of things happening. I'm no math wiz, and I don't predict the outcome of things, but I do believe in the element of chance. You can't get anything for certain, but if there's a chance at something, you just work hard preparing for it, then see what happens.

There's no such thing as a guarantee in life. But you can't let that stop you from taking risks.

You see, we all live in a community where the law of attraction always exists between people of the opposite sexes. And everytime we approach someone, we begin to unconsciously fill ourselves with anticipation, expectations and things we just don't even give a glance about that would ultimately feed us with glass shards in the mouth when it all ends horridly.

I've lived through such experiences, and I've chosen to not let anyone feel the same way I did. At least even if I found out that I did, I'd stop the situation from dragging on.

Sometimes, you don't choose people, and people choose you for various reasons you can't even begin to imagine. You can't stop people from hoping things from you if they are doing it silently. But you can however, offer clarity by declaring to them there and then that nothing can ever happen between the both of you, should you manage to pick up some odd signs that display hints of it somewhat.

Maybe some casanovas out there might beg to differ. But the idea of people fooling around with people's emotions just makes me sick to the core. I'd rather friendzone myself, get kicked in the balls, slapped or spited at; whatever they need to do to deal with what I did to them there and then, than to make someone live in prolonged misery.

So I offer them complete despair from me.

I say offer because in the end, it's their choice if they want to end it. One can only do so much.

After that, should hope still rise from the depths of their thoughts, it's no longer a part of my conscience. I've done what I'm supposed to do to release them from their suffering and anxiety, and should they choose to continue pursuing the path of pain again, despite me proposing an end to it, it's just none of my concern anymore.

Fuck them.

I've been that miserable person who was stupid enough to suffocate himself needlessly in a living death even when the other person has ended it for me.

It's been long enough and it's about time to end the stupor.

Realizing the stupidity and futility of the situation, I responded how I should have a long time ago.

An irreversible decision.

But that's actually the best part about it. That's the final seal with hot metal. I can't go back to it again even if I wanted to, unless if I took all the trouble to gather that much explosives just to unseal something which I know will serve nothing good to me than to add more to the bane of my existence.

I will know that it isn't worth the trouble, and I won't bother about it anymore. And that will inevitably grant me freedom from it.

This isn't a question of right and wrong. It's just a matter of principle.

And I'm glad the madness has ended.

Monday, September 02, 2013

Concept of Duality

"One thing cannot exist without another."
  1. 1.
    the quality or condition of being dual.
    "the novel's deep duality about human motive"
  2. 2.
    an instance of opposition or contrast between two concepts or two aspects of something; a dualism.
    "the photographs capitalize on the dualities of light and dark, stillness and movement"

Shadow cannot exist without light, life cannot exist without death, boys can't live with girls but can't live without them, etc. and all the other gibberish nonsense.

The one I really want to highlight though, is how pros and cons are always two sides of the same coin.

You see, I'm the kinda guy who goes through myriads of ideas, open possibilities and infinite scenarios already come playing in my head (well, most of the time.) before I could even decide on declaring to a single soul about what I'm really thinking, and what I've been meaning to say. And before I know it, I'm already in a position where it's either I choose something or my brain gets flooded with an influx of neverending thoughts.

I can never say that saving someone's life is all good. I can never saying killing someone is all bad. I can never say being honest is all good or bad, same goes with lying, and all those other nonsense you can think about. I used to be a very definitive person, and I could say I hate you, really mean it, and still feel the same way after 5 years. But hey, I learned a super secret:

People change, things change, and the only constant is change. Heck, I vowed to love one girl, and a girl promised she won't ever leave me (again). Then reality swoop by, she's already left and I'm stuck here learning to stop loving that one girl. How exactly I'm doing that, heh, you'll know in time I guess.

Everything has a duality to it. And just because I chose to choose one side, doesn't mean I'm blindsided by the other factors. If you think that way, boy, you sure are wrong. I mean, yeah, I always consider other factors. But I can't consider literally everything since I don't actually think my brain has the capacity to access so many memories in one go.

What, why don't I just explain to you the entirety of my thoughts anyways?

You serious motherfucker?

Do you have any idea at all how long-winded this whoopass mouth of mine can be? Just be glad I'm sparing you from 2 hours average of verbal torment by me lol. If you still think I'm shallow after that, hey, no problem man. Nice meeting you, and life goes on. Can't ya take the hint already? I mean, look at my blogposts for Pete's sake. They have shitload of crap called words in it. If my blogposts are already this long, imagine how it'd be impromptu with an active brain face to face.

So I get judged whenever I try to save you your time by giving you a summary that's not only believable, but true as well? Sure, thanks. I guess you'll never know the real thing because I just won't let you know about it. I'll just be under the impression that you're not expressing the level of intellect I want to see before I can confide in you some level of ugly truth.

In any case, I don't think there's anything wrong with being shallow, or being smart, or being dumb and intelligent at the same time. We all as humans have our preferences. Even I do too. Heck, I consider myself an intelligent sentient being. But that doesn't stop me from doing stupid stuff from time to time now does it?

I mean, really, what harm does it do? Just because someone decided to be dumb and lose his or herself for a few minutes doesn't equate that person to being a dumbass. It just means you're a prick. Because you're just deliberately trying to scorn upon others.

Being dumb, stupid and senseless is fun and invigorating. As long as you're not spoiling yourself too much or going down to road of no return, being dumb, stupid and senseless is perfectly fine. Just find the right time and place to do it.

I've always got 2 active personalities at the back of my mind. You just have to know that Red is the one who's trying to elbow you for you pissing me off, and Blue's the one stopping Red from doing so by badmouthing to Red about how much of a pussy you are, mostly through logical deduction coming from the judgmental prick I am inside too.

Hypocrite much?

And since I brought that up, let me just add in a few more things.

You see, I don't really think there's anything wrong with being judgemental. Same goes if you're hypocrite, horny, you're racist, sexist, paedophile, rapist, murderer, conspiracist, casanova, bisexual, confused sexual orientation... SURE! Whatever floats your boat you know. All I wanna know is if you know how to control all those nasty traits inside you and not harm anyone in the process.

Lets be frank here. Everyone has fantasies and idealisms. And everyone is born with a sense of imagination. We all as humans, think about lotsa shit before the day we die, and I'm telling you, I'm not surprised to know if you surprise yourself sometimes.

Y'all can think about all the jackshits you want in your head. Just be wise about what you choose to manifest or materialize into this physical world and do it responsibly yeah?

Most people think I'm an open-book because I'm pretty honest with who I am. But what most people don't know is that not everyone has the privilege to know about certain things I choose to keep to myself, because after living through the past 22 years of my life, I know enough when I should just leave a brief cover story than to give a truth bomb to the face.

And no, not everyone wants to hear the truth. So I just learned to stop giving them the truth.

Yea sure, I'm honest. Doesn't mean I tell ya everything though.
Does that make me a liar? Nope.
Do I lie? Yes I do sometimes.

I'm also a pretty judgemental person lol so if you display any traits that causes me to not want to trust you, well, I guess you just saved us both of our time.

Why waste time being friends when we can be enemies from the start? Because if I realized you were such a dicky prick from the start, I'd already have made you my enemy from the furthest reaches of beginnings lol.

But really, when I say that I'm making you my enemy, I just mean to say that I'll never be as nice to you as I am with other people, I won't always try to deliberately talk to you and I won't go to you for help or favours and I'll say no to the best of my efforts everytime you ask if we wanna hangout. And no, I won't want you inside any of my projects as well. You'll be in my special blacklist of impending DOOOOOM.

Well, unless you give me a really good reason to give you an elbow to your nose of course.

Noh, I won't pay for your medical insurances. You can go kiss your own sorry ass if that happens.
I'm pretty hard to piss of anyways. So if you do piss me off, well. You'll know.

Anyways, yes, there's that. It's a bunch of gibbersh stuff that may or may not make sense. But there ya have it. Have a nice day and here are some sketches from a mini group activity on FB.

Apparently, this is Thor's gf revealed.

and this is Aerosmith high on muscle crack