Thursday, October 31, 2013

Nyancat Awesomeness

image from here.

The game.
More games.
The video.
The Facebook.

... it's still grayed out. I give up Blogger.

well, at least this came out right. Fuck yeah.
Just try this out. My friend made this. If you wanna let him know how awesome you
felt from playing it, just let drop him a message haha. Btw, the music might take some time
to come on so. Yeah.

You're welcome. :E

Today I'm grateful that:
1. someone shared me something awesome
2. I played something awesome.
3. I have never felt such awesomeness in years. Literally, seriously.
4. life is awesome with all these small little awesomeness accumulating.

31-10-2013 I'm Grateful 031

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

2D Artist and Sprite Animator Wanted

Volunteer project post:

My friend here, link:

wants to produce a "2D side-scroller,platformer,hack&slash" game
with a protagonist inspired by Negi Springfield.

He need an artist that could draw and animate sprite.
Doesn't have to be two in one. Two separate people is perfectly fine.
But two-in-one would be a welcome luxury.

If interested, just mention my name when you PM him. College project.

Today, I'm grateful that:
1. There are still friends who ask me about help occasionally.
2. I'm from an art college.
3. I'm writing posting this post at 11am.
4. I can now look forward to tomorrow's post instead.
5. I'm still posting this at night anyways. P:

30-10-2013 I'm Grateful 030

Well, I hope this will help him, because I damned well can't animate stuff for shit
as much as I want to haha.

Also, since I made this post about games, lets not put this to waste.
Last Sunday, Malaysia made it's mark on the papers again.

Chan Kam Wai Chinese Zombie War
from Sunday Star. produced by my awesome scanner.
So I wanna congratulate these hardworking peoples for pioneering the Malaysian
games industry. Now at least there'd be a benchmark quality that others can refer
to when they wish to jump into the same industry.

Here's their Facebook link.
Here's the Star's online cover.
Here's a review from iReviewed.

And for those of you have tried before Ghost Online, and was disappointed by
the game shutting down, it's got a new name now. Soul Saver Online.

I mean, where else would you find a game where a mob you kill is called Batu Tiga?

And with that, I bid you a good day.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Imprimtura a Gesso per Acrilici

Hm. Blood clots after Sunday's donation. Pfft. Usually don't have them.
And speaking of which, they also kinda used anesthetic. No wonder it
wasn't as painful as the ones I've had before.

But well, everything has it's side-effect *shrugs*

Now today... I wanna talk about something awesome called gesso.

People who dabble in traditional arts and canvas paintings should be
familiar with the term. But if you don't, here's an image.

Feel free to zoom into the image and read the description. I bought this last year
and the price tag shows RM18.00. Right now, I think it should be RM20 or RM23
since the hike of sugar and petrol prices.

Economics. Stupid stuff. Cavemen need not worry of such triviality. But we do.
*sigh* we modern people are so sad.

I mean, day after day, we look at all the small problems we have in our lives, curse
about them, complain about them and whatever. It's normal, and it's sad. Because
really, all we need is a good place to shit your dump in, a nice bed, good food and
good health to enjoy all the above. Everything else is just extra luxury. But hey, we
modern humans are kinda too dumb to figure that out. It's good for the economics.

Like a mouse pad. God, no mouse pads can be so fucking frustrating, especially if your 
table has a plastic surface on it. I mean look above, literally. The infrared censors can't
detect shit there. And people here were thinking that the roller-ball mouses were crappy.

Different technology serves different purposes. Infrared was meant to do well on textured,
hard and flat surfaces. Roller-balls too. Just that roller-balls completely can't do nuts when
faced with it's worst nemesis ever, cloth.

More like drapery and everything that has too many random folds in it.

So anyways, if you've got a mouse pad problem, remember the gesso 
I mentioned above? Yeah... look at this.

Back in the college days, I used a certain mounting board leftover to do my
warming up paintings before I do a real one on my real board. I graduated and
the board still is a board, tough and sturdy like it should be. And.. I needed a 
mouse pad.

So I just put it there and, man. Amazing.

But if you notice the new white patches one the sides, those are newly applied gesso.
Because even if the gesso makes my board virtually tougher and water-proof, having 
the palm of my hand and arm resting on the sides made it peel naturally, like paper...
uh. Boards.

So I just layered the exposed parts over again with new gesso, only this time, I made
sure to completely cover the sides, so that my sweat or any other awesome liquid
substance doesn't destroy my darling mouse pad.

The dirtier ones are the old ones, which are still good because, well, I used my RM20
gesso, not some cheapass RM12 one that creates dusty debris everytime friction is
applied on it. I tried it before but I forgot the brand name. So yeah, I can't defame
things which are not known to me. So sad isn't it?

But in all seriousness, you need to use high-grade gessos to create a good surface.
Lest you be settling for chalky, I suppose you shouldn't be curious enough to try out. 
But hey, it's your money, do whatever you want haha.

Well... if you're looking to know if the gesso lasts and stays moisturized even after
unsealing, the answer is yes. I kept mine inside a box for 2 whole years. Still feels
like I just opened it yesterday. And you can keep reusing it for whatever it is you
want, until it runs out again, and... yeah.

But hell, with something this useful, it'd make perfect sense to hoard them out before
the prices hike again. Hehe.

Today, I'm grateful that:
1. My camera is still working.
2. I have no other complications after blood donation besides that pesky blood-clot mark.
4. I played Tales of the World.
5. I'm probably still gonna play tomorrow because I'm not finished with it.
6. I have the time to play it.

29-10-2013 I'm Grateful 029

P/S: Man, it's gonna be more difficult to track on my Grateful dates once October ends.

Monday, October 28, 2013


Yesss... I've found rekindled love in a certain console.

Here's the emulator link.

Despite the ridiculous name for a program, it's works fine, is stable and is pretty much foolproof.
I mean, there' JPCSP which is claimed to be the best PSP Emulator out there, but well, sadly for
me, I never had the chance to experience such greatness since I couldn't as much as load the
program even after following all the installation instructions.

So to my frustration, I sought an alternative, and in there, I found PPSPP.

I mean seriously, playing P3P and Tales of the World this nice. I can pretty much die happy man.

In the next half-century or so haha.

Anyways, today I'm grateful that:
1. I've been ulcer-free for 3 weeks.
2. I got to play Tales of the World.
3. last night was such a good night to sleep in.

28-10-2013 I'm Grateful 028

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Blood Donation 06

Odd. All my previous experiences with blood donations felt pretty painful/
And by all previous experiences, I meant like the vague few ones I've actually
did ever since I turned 18 in 2010.

Anyhow, I could be certain I did at least 5 times. So whatever, I can't find back
memories that are lost to me. So I'm hitting reset and today's the 6th one. I'll just
use this as a benchmark in the future for me to reference again in the case where I
forget again somehow.

Today's probably the first one that I didn't have much to complain about.
My bloodbag was full within 5-6 minutes too.

Awesome stuff.

So today I'm grateful that:
1. Blood donation wasn't painful
2. I jogged to Tropicana City Mall with a backpack, freehand. When I jog, I have a habit of holding onto the bag straps around my torso to control movement of the bag to reduce the possibility of too much friction. I just decided to do away with it this time. Wasn't too hard. Just needed a little adjusting haha.
3. Had a chocolate eclair.
4. Gave away some yummy goodies I couldn't finish to someone else.
5. I didn't eat expired bread.

Well, besides all these, I wonder to myself why would anyone want to allow his or her address to be disclosed to someone if the other person doesn't share the same interest in doing so? Hmmmm.

Ok bye. 27-10-2013 I'm Grateful 027

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Slipped A Disc

Ah, found this while I was looking for my blood donor card. I didn't find it, and I'm still wondering if I even had a blood donor card to begin with.

This card marked the end of my physiotherapy from my past history with a slipped-disc. And the reason I had that problem in my back in the first place would make most people laugh haha.

It was because I continuously picked up rubbish during recess in high school, 15-20 minutes a day without taking proper care of my back posture. When I was 16, it just raged on me one fine day when my Sports House was having selections for the running events.

I ran as hard as I could that day, and I just dropped to the ground about 30 seconds after. The people there saw what happened to me, rushed to my scene and carried me away while peppering me with questions. I couldn't answer most of them because... well, it was really REALLY painful.

When I ran, I felt like my back was separating away from my body. If I didn't walk straight, it feels like my upper body would slip off my waist. When I sat, if my body wasn't at 90 degrees, I won't be able to get up later due to the shrieking pain similar to having someone stabbing a cold hard knife right down your spine.

Then I couldn't pick things up too. Ah, it was a horrible experience.

But I made it anyways, and I recovered. After 8 good months of physio, I outbeat my condition.

Working out post-recovery had always meant something more to me. Especially jogging. Sometimes, I'd just put my shoes on, go on pacing myself, floating and gliding everywhere I go. And sometimes, my tears will start rolling down because of the tremendous sense of happiness and gratefulness I feel for just being able to just that that very day.

So, I would just want to really point out that it's not an overstatement when I say that you probably don't appreciate physical activities the way I do. Haha.

So today, I'm grateful that:
1. Slip-disc is history
2. I used to have ankle problems too. And I don't anymore.
3. I know my capacity to keeping going in a marathon is completely related to my will to finish the distance.
4. I rarely get stomach cramps and aches when I jog
5. I picked up basketball.

26-10-2013 I'm Grateful 026

Friday, October 25, 2013

Paper Butterfly

Such a nostalic picture.
This butterfly...

It meant something to me when I was still in Foundation. It's for an assignment too.
Design class. The lecturer was a thrill to be around and I really loved the assignment.

We were told to create a package for our very own imaginary business.

And may imaginary business was a hobby shop that carried toys, trading cards, models, and art's and craft.
It isn't exactly a business. The prospect of having the place wasn't for the sake of earning anyways.

It was for the sake of sharing.

It'd be a place where geeks and nerds alike could gather and share their passion for the things they like
together in a free space free of social stigma. A place without borders.

The butterfly was supposed to be a promotional item handed out to people during the
grand opening. It comes in a small leaflet, that also duals as a mini envelope, and if you
open it up, there'd be instructions on how to fold the paper itself into a butterfly.

When you finish up the butterfly, a part of the butterfly should still have a visible text
stating my premise information, along with contact details. My prototyped was a working
prototype. I made one exactly the way I wanted it to be if I really created that business.

The marks I got wasn't as stellar as my other friends who had better ideas and such.
But it's odd how I don't feel threatened by their achievements. I felt peaceful, despite
not being on the 1st-class of tiers in academical aspects.

That little butterfly I made reminded me how I was capable of dreaming, and it was
my first dream that was turned into reality. Nobody has ever folded a butterfly with
no die cuts before without even the need for pasting.

And I manage to do it.

I forgot how the folds were though. But I'm glad I still have the physical project
somewhere in my stash. I was proud of it, so I personally requested to my
lecturer for me to have it back.

Maybe I'll post it sometime. Till then, I'm grateful for a few things:
1. Everywhere we go, there are always good people out there.
2. Something made me go back top my old dusty posts in my blog.
3. I found back a fragment of my many dreams.
4. I finished a personal mission today.

25-10-2013 I'm Grateful 025

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Sad, Sad World

Image from the Malay Mail.

Sometimes I really wonder why didn't I just kill myself when I was severely depressed.
At least if I did, I wouldn't have to know of people from my own gender, own race,
own nationality, own state and of similar taste in hobbies capable of clubbing a minor
to death while he had a raging boner.

Yes. Ng Yuk Tim was 15 years-old. She is a fucking minor. Why can't you rapeheads

just go for someone your age and not touch anyone below 18? Don't get me wrong,
I don't support rape in any way. I believe I've already made myself very clear in the 
post about Delhi Gang Rape Case. 

But seriously, she was only 15 man. This is the part that upsets me the most. Why are
you even tying yourself so closely to a minor in the first place? She wasn't even fully
sexually developed. Look at her photos man. So what, am I to assume you're into
lolicons and paedophilia?

Don't fucking touch minors. Is that so damned hard? Go find a hooker if you need to.

But destroying the children of our future with your lust? Man, that's the lowest form
of shit I expect from my fellow male comrades. What a fucking disgrace to my own gender.

Well, just to point out, I'm a man, I'm Chinese, I'm Malaysian, I come from Selangor,
I kinda love anime culture and yes, cosplaying has been understood to be within that
said array of anime culture things. I'm only younger than the assailant by a year. Besides
all that, we're pretty much alike profile-wise.

So would that mean I'm a potential murderer too? Beats me. I'm just a Chinese Malaysian
man from Selangor who watches animes and had friends who does cosplaying enough
for me to have interest in it. What are the odds of me potentially having homicidal thoughts?

Exactly. The thought won't even occur to you until I mention it. But in all honesty, even if
I did, most people will regard that as a joke. Well, that joke's not gonna be funny anymore.
Not with this happening, and with the culprit being an ordinary person like a lot of us in
Malaysia. For all I know, more than half of Malaysia are now potential murderers and
rapists just by looking at the profile presented.

I've compiled some links here in regards to the Suitcase Murder. If you wish to dig in
further regarding the issue, just use the aforementioned bolded words for your search queries.

First and foremost, I'm glad at least someone out there is still of sound reasonable mind.

His message is as follows:

I know most of us are still in awe. A lot of grief, disbelief, frustration and despair going around,and neverending crave for the truth. Why do we care so much on this so-called "another crime case that's usual in malaysia nowadays?" Because it involves someone that we know quite well. It's as simple as that. And by "we," I mean the close friends of  "him." First and foremost, I offer condolences to the family of the deceased.

I don't blame you if you are starting to turn your back on him, because viewing this on both side perspectives is really getting a lot of us confused and don't know which side to take pity on . 

But the thing is ,as Shingo Misaki said we musn't judge too quickly and only believe on the things that are delivered to us through social/mainstream media. Instead, if you are matured enough you will want to see through this case until the very end, before deciding your ultimate opinion on the involved parties. I'm aware that a lot of us in the community are in the age range of adolescency, in the phase of growing up. For those, please make this as a very important life lesson. Learn to treasure yourself more and try to perceive things maturely. Let's not be so naive and simply put all the blame on him right away. But at the same time I'm not saying he's not guilty on the entirety, since at some parts of it he is guilty. But there are still loopholes so I can't say much.

For me, personally I think there's still something hidden that we don't know inside this case. There's also a possiblity that a 3rd party is involved . More thorough test and investigation are needed. People who are close to him and her must be questioned as well. To anyone out there, if you have something to do with this, don't think you can get away, because if you do you are underestimating justice. 

From now on, I think donning a costume will give a weird taste, especially if you are closely related to the involved parties. But I'm sure it's also a matter of time for the feeling to dissipate if you are really passionate in this hobby. If you are concerned on what's going to happen in cosplay community from now on, keep calm and carry on, because the community depends on you to keep it alive. As Zend-senpai said, don't let one bad seed spoil the whole farm (roughly like that);

Right now we are in critical times. As a friend, I treasure the degree of friendship I share with my friends a lot. That is why for this case, I will try to do anything I can to help the investigation and to bring the truth to light for everyone. First court proceeding is in 5 days. If you still have even a tiny little trust in that someone who you used to call a friend; until the final verdict is delivered, let us hope for the best to come. 

I dream to the day when we can cosplay together again. 

ps : share this. it's about sending a message.

No worries. I read the last part loud and clear.

But let me just point out some thought about one particular part.

To anyone out there, if you have something to do with this, don't think you can get away, because if you do you are underestimating justice. 

Underestimating justice.
 I think saying that by itself is an act of overestimating the

capabilities of law enforcement in Malaysia. Oh, I'm sure these people will do their
jobs to the best of their capabilities. And I'm here wondering who'd be providing
them their next bonus. If not, then whose gonna help them finish their work?

Nobody. Beats me though. But if you all feel like that guy Nazirun above, and you've got

some leads, just contribute. Because I'm quite certain, if not definite, that the authorities
in Malaysia are at all competent in the acts of upholding the law.

No offence Polis Diraja Malaysia. But my mom has been mugged before. My brother

has been clubbed and made to bleed before. My brother has got his laptop(s), projector(s)
and other miscellaneous valuable items stolen. And my younger brother was openly harassed
by the parents of a bully who happened to be lawful attorneys.

What did you do? Nothing. Were the perpetrators caught? Sure. They did in your dreams.

I hope I'm not wrong to assume that they just magically show up in your office confessing 
to their crimes while you drink coffee and wait for you next damned paycheck.

For all it's worth, I've even been mugged before, sketched the face of the attacker and
passed it on to you for investigation. Anything? No.

My house got robbed. Belongings all gone. Lost my laptop. All you did was bring your

trainee forensic dolts, dust around for non-existant fingerprints, made a mess out of the
already given mess we had out of authority and just happily went for lunch a while after.

Of course, I don't blame you. We're all human aren't we? 

Please convince me to trust you. Especially after you have done so much harm to
innocent people rallying for Bersih. 

But I digress.

Now, onto the more generalized idea of the case.

The guy's name isn't disclosed to public. All we know is that he's 23, Chinese, loves cosplay,
and that he's pretty famous for it too. And from the above post, he's still under trial. So maybe
his name will be released after his final verdict. Don't count on it though.

This is by far the best one out of all the others I read. They highlight important things,
and well, I'm gonna just do the favour of quoting some of them here:

He's a nice guy and don't blame Cosplay.

Many things can corrupt a person.

"I don’t know.""It’s too late for me to regret." 

And well, here's an interesting fact. 
Selangor Community Policing founder member Kuan Chee Hong was the one
who saw the hints of struggle; the bite mark, and interrogated him in the red to
the point where he confessed out of guilt.

At least someone's done something right. Whether he, or the police in 
general would pursue further than that is another issue though. Their work is
already so easy for them after Kuan did what he did. Now why would they
want to add more work to their labour?

I was hoping that Nazirun fellow and his friends would help do that.

Now, there's this video.

So, if my son killed your daughter, we say sorry can already right?
Like hell it'd be alright. But just to point out some two cents here.
Just what in the world do you expect the family to say to you miss?
Are you the only person in shock? So you're saying that the criminal's
family members are damned proud of what he did, is that it?

You see, I don't blame people reacting this way for being in the state
of shock. They are in that mess and they have every right to react the
way they do. It wouldn't be called a state of shock otherwise. This is
directed to both victim and criminal's family.

But you commentors, 3rd parties. People with no relevance to the issue.
Do you really have to go out all your way to be zealots and post things
like he deserves to rot in jail or that he should burn in hell?

Who the fuck are you? His mother? Would you feel nice hearing that
if you were his family member? No room for civility and voice of reason?
No sense of objectivity?

Yeah sure, he killed a girl while trying to rape her. We all get that. But spewing
fire at the fire isn't exactly dousing anything. Even if your actions are compelled
by justice, they are not filtered with the brain you have in your head.

You guys are intelligent people. The least you can do is try to act like one.
I quote again, Nazirun's post:

For those, please make this as a very important life lesson. Learn to treasure yourself more and try to perceive things maturely. Let's not be so naive and simply put all the blame on him right away.

Keyword here is naive - (of a person or action) showing a lack of experience, wisdom, or judgment. 

Aside from that, Lipstiq found a nice little part to add to the drama of the story.

The suspect also updated his Facebook status at about 1:00a.m. saying, “Everyone please help find her. Her mother is looking for her. She came over to my house to help me make Cosplay helmets. As I had to leave for work, I sent her to the LRT station. If anyone has any info, please contact her mother. Everyone please try to search for her. She is wearing the same clothes seen in this photo.”
Then, around 7:00a.m. he posted another status saying, “It has been an entire morning. Ah Tim (Ng) where have you been? Your mother and father are looking for you. Please don’t scare us.”
Ah, so you're not as stupid as I think you are eh you criminal. Good effort, but you forgot
to hide the bite mark on your arm. And well, you clearly couldn't hold up to Kuan's
interrogation skills. So why bother trying in the first place?

If you're gonna act smart, at least do a good job and don't get caught.

See, this is the problem of impulsive actions. First you got horny, and assaulted her with
the intention of satisfying your male instincts. Then an unforseen response was ignited
by your target, she bit you so hard it made you shriek in pain and in a fit of rage, you
just conveniently grabbed hold of a dumbell that's like 5kg on boths sides, which would
make it at least 10kg, and you wanted to show her whose boss by slamming it on her
head 3 times.

Not once. 3 times.

Who'd have known she'd have died from it. Who would right? If you's horny and in
a rage fit, you'll never know. I can say that much.

But you see, this is the problem I see. Smart people know how to control impulses.
You lost the game the minute you did what you did. So I don't see a reason as to why
you need to even try continuing the facade.

Ah yes, now you're finally reminded of the community you're in huh? I admire the way
your thought process works. Because I pray hard I'll never be someone like you.

This article will tell you how Ng Yuk Time was found. The Edge raised legitimate
concerns about the false hype and finger pointing directed towards cosplaying.

And to end this post, I wanna share the words I shared to my friend who's affected
by this social apocalypse:

It's already happened. He's affected the cosplaying world already. The rape was his fault, but the media is the culprit for pinning it down on cosplaying.

Right now there's only one thing you can do. Let him fall for what he did, but continue to defend 
your passion. What you like shouldn't have to be affected just because someone else who likes the same thing you do tarnishes it's reputation.

It's not your fault. He may have been a friend. But it's not your fault.

If you think this weighs heavily for you, then think about the aftershock of those who are directly related to him and the girl. Look, you can choose to let the shadow linger around you or you can declare that you have nothing to do with this and stop grieving over someone else's mistake.

To cut things short, it's not your problem. I don't mean to sound cold, but that's the truth. Let those who are really directly related to those 2 bear that burden. You're basically an outsider. It's not your obligation to feel responsible. The least you can do is not add up to the number of miserable people due to this incident. You don't have to be miserable, and you most certainly don't have to be one of those people.

But if you still want to feel morally conscious about this, feel free to. I do however want to point out this though; if you really are as morally conscious as you are about this case, there are already those who are struggling to accept the truth and doing their best to provide disbelief to the story. Why aren't you with them on this if that is the case?

However, what those people are doing is pointless. They are not even building credibility, let alone providing evidence to support that man's innocence. All they are doing is sulking over a lost friend they wanted to believe had a good heart. And they are disappointed that they were wrong, and all they are doing, is merely expressing that same disappointment outward.

If your goal is to express your disappointment, then I'm sure their band will gladly welcome your thoughts. But if you're not, I suggest you just let this go and put this behind you as a severe reminder of what you represent in the world with the interests you dabble in.

Would you want the people around you to feel sad? No right? Then stay strong and be happy. Don't fake it. Find the strength to do it. The people around you deserve that much.

Heck, if he was a pro chess player, the media might have pinned it on chess instead. So stop being foolish. He's a friend and he's someone you know. But I think if he really was your friend, he'd want you to be happy and not be dragged along with his mess, don'tcha think?

And about the people bringing his case up for discussion in front of you, there are always 2 ways to shut people up. Either you shut them up directly, or you just don't give them a fuck and they'll shut up by themselves. 

You do whatever you need to do. I've said my piece as YOUR friend who's still alive.

Project Grateful? It seems highly inappropriate, but sure.

I'm grateful that:
1. I didn't rape anyone today
2. I didn't bash anyone in the head with a dumbell
3. I'm writing this post, not behind bars.
4. nobody around my social circle is affected because of something I did.
5. I'm not regetting that I murdered someone.

Sad sad world we live in. 24-10-2013 I'm Grateful 024.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Good Things Happening

It's nice to get yourself recognized for the things you do.

So today, I just want to say I'm grateful that:
1. I know now hard work pays off
2. doing what you love can be rewarding
3. there are people who enjoy my sense of humour.
4. I have a family out there that has no blood relation to me.
5. there are people who like me for what I am where I am.

23-10-2013 I'm Grateful 023

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Let You Go, Let Me Go.

I love this song so much.

There's no need for any words in it.
Just a title and the music pretty much speaks for itself.

I'll just let the music do the talking if you're interested.

Other than that, I'm grateful that:
1. I've let go of certain unpleasant things.
2. I've allowed myself the chance and time to fully come to terms with it before letting go.
3. I have a song that could explain my emotions where songs can't.
4. I own gadgets that allow me to enjoy my music very well.

22-10-2013 I'm Grateful 022

Monday, October 21, 2013

Spilled Liquid Paper!

Into my blogger text editor with ctrl+z!

Just great.

Nothing fucking irritates me more than spending a good
hour writing a post and everything just go *poof* with an
accidental push of a button.

Oh life is great alright.

Just when I thought ctrl + z would help more than damage.

I'm just grateful I'm not punching the damned wall right now
or hammering my face into the computer table until I bleed or
throw my tantrum at someone and hurt that person so badly
it traumatizes him.

No, this isn't exactly a very grateful post but I'm far too pissed
to even be genuinely grateful of anything at all.

Fucking Blogger.

21-10-2013 I Donwanna Be Grateful Today 021

Fine. I'll start over. I've made a more civilized version
of this before Blogger made things so awesome for me
and forced me with a blank page again, but since that
already happened and I'm mighty pissed right now,
I think I have every right to be as expressive as I can. 

So, today I opened myself up to someone.
Very scary mental procedure, but I did 
it anyways. 

My secrets don't really matter to me. But if it matters
to who's asking about it, I don't see why I should 
hold back.

And well, aside from that, I've been thinking through
some stuff.

Like, why do I keep returning back into games and seek
refuge in them?

The keyword is refuge. Games shield me from disappointment.
I don't have to deal with my dad telling me my artwork isn't good
enough, my mom comparing how she treats me better in comparison
to him, those leering eyes over my shoulder than lasts up to 2 hours
sometimes without keeping their eyes away.

It's just a hell lot easier to not try so hard and fall off a cliff in the process. 
Why take that risk when I'm safe here with a nice cozy bench and a super 
cool magazine right?

I've already fallen down that damned cliff so many times, and it hurts so 
bad it almost feel like I'm getting cancer. So why should I bother?

It's easier to hide under the guise of a gamer than to flash my diligence
around and invite unwelcome company, if you know what I mean.

Then why don't I just move my workstation into my room where I can
fully focus in private without having my windbag family members/
outsiders to be a constant thorn to my ever exhausting motivation?

Because having the workstation outside was the initial plan. It's supposed
to challenge me to get outside my damned comfort shell and prepare me
for work life. But clearly my college experience differs to what happens at
home. Oddly enough, when I'm in college or elsewhere, I'm perfectly fine
when other people are watching or leering.

Whatever y'know.

But when it's kin, I get this aching feeling to just ram my elbow to the back
and hear'em squirm in pain because their very presence just so damned 
infuriating to my creative senses. It's like them being there actually wards
off all my ideas and nulls all gears of motivation.

Them asking me senseless questions that bear no importance to my work,
making my workstation a community flockspot to do their stuff like my
stuff don't matter shit, asking me to do things with them when they could
tell very well I am still busy, and taking their own sweet time doing their things
at the risk of me having all of motivation and inspiration deprived of me
the very moment they seek to be my greatest assistants.

I have no idea how to describe this shitty feeling, but I guess you can say
that it feels a lot similar like sending away someone you love so much to
someone you hate with all your heart and they expect you to wish them
all the best when you know you just want to throw a grenade at them
and blow those two motherfuckers down in one explosion.

I mean, if it happens just once, then fine! By all means. But no, it's a 
repetitive endless cycles that keeps on rolling day after day after day.

So if you actually catch me being pissy, well, I'll leave it up to your
discretion to do whatever you want with that knowledge. Just don't
blame me if something happens to you just because you felt like
wanting to pry into my rage fit.

So then anyways, why not move my goddamned workstation into my room?

Because I sweat like mad and I don't want my bedroom to smell like a gym.

And I do still enjoy eating in front of my computer when I've got some move
downloads done or when I'm taking a break once in a while. 

A luxury I can't exactly afford to do in my room lets I wish to incur the 
interests of the many insects my humble home harbors.

I can do that at my workstation because it's basically the dining room, albeit
just a part of it. Even so, it's still in the dining room. So yeah.

And I've already worked so hard to setup my workstation for it to be the
ideal workplace for me. It'd be such a waste to just give up and walk away
now when I know fully well that if I can overcome this, I can sit right next
to Thor in Asgard.

Then you know the fun part. He'll let me use Mjolnir and I can fling it to
those imbeciles who I think require a heavy head concussion therapy.

I call that Permanent Head Damage, or PHD for short.

So why are you still trying so hard for something as dumb as this?
Because I've already gone this far. To let them all go now would make no
bloody sense.

But is it working to your favor?

So do you think you need a change of scene?

OK. I think I got my answer. 

What is it? Uh, can't I like get a night to cool off from getting pissed?
I'll let you know when it's time. Till then, that's all for today.

I'm grateful for... I think you already know what.
So. Bye.

21-10-2013 I'm Grateful 021

Sunday, October 20, 2013

I'm Grateful 020

Today I'm grateful that:
1. My patience paid off
2. I helped around with the house.
3. Convinced my dad to solve a household nuisance.
4. Being at peace with taking a break.

20-10-2013 I'm Grateful 020

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Feedspot GOLD

Hi O C,
I'm the founder of Feedspot.
We've been reviewed by TechCrunch.
Just wanna let you know you can try out annual subscription haha kthxbye.

[edit] contents of e-mail changed/removed due to privacy concerns [/edit]

Haha, so nice. I guess it's a good thing I've been getting more hits lately.

man, blogger is really killing off my whites.

Feedspot is what is says it is. It's basically a site that allows you to compile all your reading sources together, regardless of social medium, and put them all into one convenient place for you to read them through. Through feeds as per se. It works and it's pretty cool, especially if you looking for mass expansion of your network, since it's got a feature that allows you to post something on 6 different known sites all at ones. Osamu.

Just don't treat it as the ultimate networking site as of yet. It does have cool features, but just be aware that it's still pretty new, so always make good use of the Feedback button if you've got some comments on improving the user experience or interface in the site. I'm sure Anuj, the developer, would very much appreciate it.

Other than that, I've met a buncha new good people today. Dinner was good. Life is good.
And I read a good post today about reinvention.

So cheers to a good night. Super nice weather to sleep in too.

I'm pretty sure I don't need to state the obvious parts of what I'm grateful about today, so I'll let y'all figure that out today haha. 19-10-2013 I'm Grateful019

Friday, October 18, 2013

I'm Grateful 018

Today, I'm grateful that:
1. I haven't had a single ulcer for almost 2 weeks. Hope this doesn't jinx things.
2. Finished a novel.
3. I made someone happier, even if just a little bit.
4. I'm not a sajathi anymore. Whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.

18-10-2013 I'm Grateful 018

Thursday, October 17, 2013

I'm Grateful 017

Today I'm grateful that:
1. I managed to hold me head for an errand and see through it until the end with less than 1 hour of sleep!
2. Submitted my application for a new opportunity.
3. Talked to an old friend today.

Aside from that, I was kinda pissed off by something earlier, but then again, I thought to myself, why even bother being pissed off about things that just won't ever change lol. So I just did stuff to make my mind let it go and now, it's the least of my concerns again haha.

So damned tired of hate.

Yay, I'm Grateful 017 17-10-2013

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I'm Grateful 016

I'm grateful that:
1. I played for free today haha.
2. I download I've lost all hope for FINISHED. ahmaigawd.
3. Had awesome roti canai fest.
4. Someone was kind enough to share me his very deep and profound experience of adulthood.
5. I managed to cheer someone up before that person went to bed hehe.
6. if I can't think of anything to right, I can just write this.

16-10-2013 I'm Grateful016

Tuesday, October 15, 2013


Once, an elderly general practitioner consulted me because of his severe depression. He could not have overcome the loss of his wife who had died two years before and whom he had loved above all else. Now, how could I help him? What should I tell him? Well, I refrained from telling him anything but instead confronted him with the question, "What would have happened, Doctor, if you had died first, and your wife would have to survive you?" "Oh," he said, "for her this would have been terrible; how she would have suffered!" Whereupon I replied, "You see, Doctor, such a suffering has been spared her, and it was you who spared her this suffering - to be sure, at the price that now you have to survive and mourn her." He said no word but shook my hand and calmly left my office. In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of sacrifice. - Viktor. E Frankl, Man's Search For Meaning pg 135.

Now for a dedication. Thanks to David Choi's news feed haha.

the link's already up there mind you. but just in case you miss it, here's the original fb link again.

Do you believe in true love? I do now.

On December 17, 2012, my mom, Bonnie Kim, passed away unexpectedly from multiple organ failure, septic shock caused by unknown reasons at the age of 72. Our family spent six days in ICU thinking that her condition wasn’t too serious and believing that everything was going to be fine.

Working as a nurse her entire adult life, she provided financial stability for our family through tough times. Even though she always talked about how tiring and demanding her job was and how she was always in physical pain because of a bad back, she always managed to keep her sense of humor. She loved Jersey Shore and kept me updated to the happenings of Snooki and The Situation. She could rattle off the stats of all the Lakers, Dodgers, and Raiders. Knowing the quirks of loved ones makes the relationship special.

No one appreciated those quirks more than my dad, Chin Kim. It wasn’t always easy. As a kid, I remember my parents arguing all the time. For the last 20+ years of their 50 years together, though, they never argued. It was as if after some inflection point in their lives, they managed to transcend into the fairy-tale type of love. After they both retired, my parents spent every minute together.

Now that my mom has passed away, my dad visits her at the cemetery every day. He spends about four hours at the site watering and trimming the grass, polishing her grave marker, and camping out to look at old photos. It's kind of ironic that he used to buy her flowers only on special occasions, but now he buys them every week. My dad was a man who never cried, but now he breaks down every day. He misses her dearly. We all miss her dearly.

Life is fragile. Don’t waste a moment holding grudges or worrying about the little things. Don't screw up amazing relationships with impulsive temptations. Don't be lazy. Be honest. Be bold. Most importantly, find somebody to love unconditionally 

Bennett Kim

I think there isn't much to say here. The bolded sentence above pretty much sums it all up.

Today I'm grateful that,
I started a new painting.
2. I've been rediscovering Michelle Branch! Man so good.
3. I ate at Chile's. Tacos too. Lotsa them. With Mashed Potatoes. Yum.
4. Met mah nephew and niece.
5. Had dinner together as a family.

15-10-2013 I'm Grateful015

Monday, October 14, 2013

An Eye For An Eye

image from here and artwork by Steven Belledin.
So, today I heard that phrase again.

An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.

You know, people always associated this line with some form of justice. But really, just think
about it, who's the one who confers all these kinds of judgements?

Is it really the judiciary system? The laws? God? Karma?

Then what about those who never get caught? Those who always manage escape from all these
systems. Who'll punish them? Hell? Wait till they die?

Truth is, nobody will. Not the judge, not the law, not karma. Because in reality, the phrase
above only works if someone is willing to commit a necessary evil, and act above the system,
law, divine intervention and karma.

If nobody does it, then those criminals will never have to pay. Because everyone is too naive
into thinking that someone else is gonna do the dirty work for them. Just who in the world
do they think they are? Would that someone else be benefiting for doing your dirty work?
Will they be rewarded?

No, people will just hate on them. Like Batman. Because once they commit such acts, they
are no different from the criminal themselves. Even if Batman never killed, he made it appear
like he did, and he took the fall for it. Why? Because he thought that was what the people
of Gotham needed.

Why bring this up? Because my brother found a viral video in his FB shares, about a girl
from some 3rd world country getting her throat slowly slit off from the base until her entire
head snaps away from the medulla oblongata. She didn't die until her medulla's final chord
was severed for the record, and it went on for a full 8 minutes, unsped, uncensored, unaltered.

I don't know where the link is since he used incognito earlier and I can't find the video after
googling because my keywords don't match the queries. So I'm sorry you can't watch a poor
girl suffer and not give a shit about it after watching it.

I didn't get to watch it, and you don't have to neither. This isn't a gorefest film ok.
Someone is actually dying in front of you. It's better not to see such things. Films like
Saw and Centipede Man doesn't even compare to such videos.

My brother was telling it to my dad and he went like, "aiya, they will get what they deserve 
one la. An eye for an eye. That's how the world works!"

Yeah right. I'd have believed that if was still 10. But well, I'm not, and I know that for such
justice to be served, there must be someone who's willing to commit an act as heinous,
and fall for it's consequences freely after the work is done.

Who is willing to do such things? Don't get me wrong. People like those do exist, but
they make themselves scarce for a reason. The ability to be heartless is both a blessing
and a curse. And they know damned well they cannot let their abilities fall to the wrong
kinds of people. Because wiping the world of evil is evil in itself. Killing is still killing, and
nothing can justify whether it's a good deed or not.

That's why self-defense is still murder, and you still get a short sentence despite it being
an act of pure defense. It's rare these days to see people walk way freely from self-
defense allegations, especially when a lot of the victims are girls and some bullshit
asswipe decided to put up some sick law that all girls are condemnable for sexual
provocation for the way they look.

For fuck's sake. For real? It isn't enough that a girl's intestines got torn out of her vagina
with a bus pillar metal bar by a 10 year old boy who raped her together with another few
older men and tossed her out of a bus and still tried to ram her over with the said bus?

Oh what was she wearing, a sari. And she was in an Indian living in India. You call
that sexual provocation? She was even sitting next to her bloody boyfriend. What
business does she have with a group of horny insatiable assholes?

Then what, a 10 year old girl dies of first night after marriage.

Or better yet, a lady gets imprisoned 10 years for attacking her husband who's been
physically abusing ever since the early stages of her marriage.

A great world we live in. Where girls in Egypt, Syria and Israel get branded with hot metal
plates for defying their husbands, killed for being raped, blinded for being caught looking
at another men.

We humans can only yield to a certain extent. After we hit our melting point, we will retaliate.
And we do, we have only 2 choices. To carry a burden of guilt, or to suffer continuosly
under oppression. We all have the freedom of choice. A higher being may exist. But there's
a good reason why they don't materialize and intervene with our lives.

It's about time we realize we're on our own when it comes to things like this. Why bother
about law when the police are corrupt? Why bother about rights when the judiciary system
is corrupt? Why bother about acts an ammendments if the government itself is corrupt?

Because we just want to survive. We place our hopes blindly that there's still good in this
world even when we know it's slowly fading. Everyone is as kind as they are evil. Everyone
is as generous as they are selfish. Nobody's perfect, and nobody's an ideal human being.
We all walk with a past filled with mistakes, and we all choose to be who we can be
from what we want to do, who we are and, where we come from and for who we do it for.

Indifference is mistaken for weakness. Silence is mistaken for acceptance.
Retaliation mistaken for vengeance. Rebellion mistaken for treachery.

Someone said before that we can let our pasts define us, or let them be lessons not to be repeated.
We can let our present define us, or act accordingly to what we think is best.
We can let our future define us, or let it guide us to a better version of ourselves.
We can let our roots define us, or we can make it our pride and honour.

We all have a choice in the end. To be happy or sad, to be grateful to be doubtful,
to be strong or to be weak, to be vulnerable or to be fearless, to be hateful or to be kind.

We are our own last line of defense. We break, and everyone behind us will fall under us.
This is why we can't live in a world of vulnerability. Vulnerability cannot coexist with cruelty.
Such is the harsh reality we live in. Just as soon as we lose our guard, the next thing you know,
someone's foot is already placed atop your head, squishing your face towards the cold hard
ground, putting you under his mercy.

Isn't that why we work so hard in this world? To make the world a better place for the
people we care about so much?

Anyways, away from that and onto project grateful.
Today I'm grateful that
1. I've been having lotsa conversations with someone.
2. I've read half of the book I've been waiting to read for quite some time now.
3. I slept so much, I couldn't be bothered to sleep even for another moment haha.
4. I don't know of anyone in my life who's going through whatever I've described above.

14-10-2013 I'm Grateful 014

Sunday, October 13, 2013

So Beat

Man, can't believe I'm still awake right now.

I've been awake since 3am this morning. The night before I slept through
my novel reading. It was around 1am then. So I guess I only slept around 2

And since then, things just kept coming one after another.

First I painted, realized there was something off with my painting,
started a new draft, felt it was cool of a while but my impression
changed after I finished the whole thing, then I went back to an
old painting and overdrew some correction lines over the mess
that's collected in that piece.

It was 6am. Felt full and squishy from the night before, due to
high cookie and snack ingestion, courtesy of my brother's in-laws
from Bagio. So decided why not go for a spin.

Jogged around Sahara for around 26 rounds. And I was surprised
to find myself doing it within 2 hours. Man, my body is so rusty.

When I came back around 9am. Then I surfed and played some games.
Oddly enough, I felt kinda caffeine-high. I never took any sorta caffeine
the day before or anytime before yesterday, but I couldn't close my eyes
and my brain was just buzzing and buzzing.

So when I finally felt the urge to force my eyes to sleep, mom asked me
to help send her to a masseuse. That was 11am. Went there, everything
done, gone to lunch at 1.40pm, got back around 2.10pm.

Then I had to send my brother to his job at 2.45pm.

Came back 3.15pm. Go to a meet up to sell more cardboards.
Played some Magic.

Found out I brought the wrong orders. Cycled back, and got back.
It was 5.05pm. Played a few more games.

Then watched the awesomeness of Pokemon X/Y right in front of me in
a Nintendo 3DS and made me go superwtfbbq.

AND SUPER DUPER COOL. jfhdhgfkhskhgfkldhgskljasfui;owh

Got back home around 7.30pm, ate dinner, watched some tv,
and... it's not even 10pm yet.

Well, glad this will reset my sleep pattern hopefully.

I'm grateful that:

all in one day. So awesome.

13-10-2013 I'm Grateful 013

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Mana Weaving

Manaweft Sliver by Trevor Clexton.

Well, some of you know I play MTG.

For those of you who don't. Well, now you do.

So anyways, there's this term called mana-weaving in magic.
It's basically a deck arrangement technique that allows you to
draw better hands with the appropriate amount of lands.

I didn't know the term until recently, a player pointed out to me
what it was when I thought of showing him how to unscrew his
screwed up hands. 

And of course I was offended when he said I was cheating.

But if there's anything you have to know, I didn't weave at any
time before that match, just at that time after we both finished,
and he already lost 2-0.

I didn't weave neither with my previous opponent. He was my
second opponent.

And no, I didn't 3-0 that night. I lost so bad to my 3rd opponent haha.
But looking back on the other times I've played with MTG, I did
mana weave before. But for some reason I was never caught. Maybe
it's because I always did it face down or something, so they look like
normal pile shuffles.

Anyways, I consulted a trustworthy judge about the issue. He'd shun
anyone from doing any sort of mana-weaving whatsoever. But he did
tell me that mana-weaves are usually done in a system where it can 
always be undone. 

So I came up with the argument that for as long as it cannot be reverted,
then it's randomized enough and not qualified for a penalty or disqualification.

And it occured to me that when I did mana-weave, I never left the deck
as if after the mana-weave. I'd shuffle numerous times with overhands, do
multiple cuts, and shuffle again. And I still offered my deck to the opponent
to just cut.

Well, that's just my getaway excuse for having mana-weft before. But 
it's good to know I still tried my best to uphold my own end of fair-game
by just not going with a pure mana-weaved deck and making sure I shuffle 
enough right after.

But I rest my case. I'm retiring from mana-weaving, and I won't do it anymore.

If you wanna read more about mana-weaves and the math ratios of 
good shufflings and whatnot, just google up mana weaving mtg.

Well, first thing's first, I gotta find that person and apologize to him.

Now, today I'm grateful that:
1. I met some good old friends online.
2. someone decided to show up and talk to me after 3 weeks of hiatus.
3. I clarified with the judge what the conditions are for proper shuffling.
4. I thought of another system to just shuffle my deck instead of my usual
mana-weave into shuffle. It takes a longer time, but hey, whatever it takes
for fair game right?
5. I sold some cardboards for cash! Hehe.
6. yesterday's storm has quelled.

I'm Grateful012 12-10-2013