Friday, October 11, 2013

Holy Fucking Shit

thanks guys.


Man, do I hate it when people misunderstand me. Why is it that everytime I'm honest about how I feel for someone, people take it the wrong way? Well, the past 5 girls didn't. My ex was the only right. And I donno, maybe it's just old Osla acting up again. Because when I mentioned before in another post that someone came back, I meant that I came back. The Super Osla with Super Study Skills and Super Social skills.

You're welcome.

I've always had a dilemma when I wanted to tell somebody that I like that person but can't do it outright. This shitty logic really sucks man. How do you even say that you're not in the right condition to love in the most politically correct way possible?

You can't! It's damn offensive and damn straight everybody takes it the wrong way. Especially people past their 20's. Even the slightest things can cause brain trauma I tell you.

Fuck man, I can't take anyone out now at my state, let alone spend on silly romantic things (as much as I want to). I'm poor, unaccomplished with a broken past. And there are still issues to resolve. How in the flying fuck can I even dream about pulling another stunt like my ex again all over?

My ex taught me that first love is pure, innocent, and beautiful. And it's breathtaking. But every other relationship that comes next cannot be as devastating as the fragile line of glass that happiness bubble consists of. So it has to be more mature, more calculated, more prepared, and most importantly, more committed. Everything must be done with proper reasoning, and nothing must be done blind without a regard to the world. It must be done responsibly. Not recklessly.

Is it really so wrong not to pursue someone you care about so much because you want to wait to be in the better form for that person? Because you know if you waited a while longer, you can provide better, miss the uneasiness of being half-bankrupt, and do things better in the future?

Has anyone ever thought that love can wait a little bit? It doesn't have to be like the minute we confess we have to jump in right? Well, unless if that person's actually pretty cool with it, in which I highly doubt. Because things like this eat us out slowly. We deny them at first out of the happiness we first feel when we're excited about love, and after a while, reality makes a really dramatic entrance, we start to lose control, and it fills us with disgust and pure rage and shit will blow out of proportions.

And no. If you're thinking that I'm a coward, for the record, I've already confessed. I mean, look at this fucking post with you eyes wide-open. But this is just a revised version of that said confession. The initial one I did pissed her off so bad.

I know my limitations. I've got 3 years to learn that. It's not exactly wise to just do away with the gritty and very much painful and vivid experience and place that into someone else's psyche subconsciously. I mean, I'm at peace with that fact now, but my current situation is far from ideal or healthy for a relationship to blossom.

Look, I don't have a choice man. The girl literally took everything the wrong way and thought I didn't want to be friends with her.

Jesus Christ.

Good job Osla. Way to go. Bravo. I mean, she literally said that I didn't "have to push her away."

*sigh* now I can't stop her for feeling like shit for one entire night. It was either the truth bomb, or pure neglect. I can't neglect someone's who's been such a good friend for me ever since last year.

Ok, to that girl who got everything wrong,

Just so you know,  I'm sincerely very fucking sorry if I misled you into thinking I didn't want to be friends with you when the truth is, I wanted a chance to be more than just friends. I like you so much you seemed pristine and pure and I didn't want anything to change that. Especially my feelings for you.

There. It's highlighted, bolded, italicized and even coloured. I pray that goes through man. God, if you're really up there, help me out a little will ya and make sure she wears her specs and isn't drunk when she reads this. Would definitely be a huge plus if she's super sober then.

Well, there ya have it. If you find it awkward now that it's completely out of the box, it's cool, and you don't have to talk to me anymore if you don't want to. I can navigate my way through my life just fine without you there thankyouverymuch. I've had an excellent therapeutic friend anyways.

I have pretty good memory when it comes to the things I like after all. You were one of them. I had wanted to mention that last in my longass list of crushes to surprise you, but seeing you leaving the conversation midway kinda made me think I was trying too hard, and that it's just too fucking long. So I gave it up outta consideration! I know you had to sleep, but it doesn't change the fact that I was typing 2 hours straight and it was pretty damned long alright.

Who has the time to read longass pointless essays anyways? Nobody does. But does not being poignant with your facts ever stop you from being honest with your words? I can't let that happen. But I'm trying to figure out the balance, and I realize how inconsiderate it was for me to dump so many words at you all at once. That's why I stopped.

Anyways, it's clear as daylight that I offended you with what little means I had to hint at you that I actually have feelings for you but can't be with you at the moment. That being said, I can't afford to go around at metaphors or analogies anymore. Not when you're half-crying in anger in your sleep the night before you actually found this. Looks like maybe I shouldn't do metaphors or analogies when I wanna tell somebody I like them.

So I'm really sorry that I hurt you. It'd have been a lot better if you haven't left feeling that way. But what's done is done, and I can't change it then because you basically just left the scene for dramatic effect. But I can change that now, if you're still reading this. So just keep reading.

But seriously though? Not even a chance for me to explain? Well, I guess it kinda serves me right. I've said too much anyways. That's it man, I'm never gonna put out anything past five lines on Facebook messages. Nobody gives a fuck at them enough to go to the FB messages inbox and read it when it's large and clear. They had to do it within that small confined chatbox in a subconsciously claustrophobic space.

So hey girl, great to know you'd be spending the entire night of your sleep being pissed about this day. Hope that when you read this, your head would cool off. Even if it's just a bit. Oh and just in case you misunderstand again, the first line in this passage is a sarcasm. The rest aren't. Because really, knowing I offended you makes me feel like shit. But my therapist doesn't allow me to be sad, so I can't let that thought get all over me with operation gung-ho.

Man, do I feel conflicted now or what?

You do what you think it's right for you. I'm ok with it. I'll be ok with it. And I'll still be happy me. I'm me again. I'm pretty good with waiting for whoever forever. I did that for.. like, 1,2,3,4,5 girls now including my ex. I'm so good at it, there's literally no difference if I were to add one more. I have faith in pre-depression 15 year-old Osla. He always knew what he wanted, and he had the strength to be patient, and he was brave enough to be as nice to anyone the most he could, despite 99% of the world completely misunderstanding him.

And no, you're not obligated, or held accountable to reciprocating my feelings. I'm not 15 anymore, and you definitely aren't too. Nothing happened between us yet. Something happened to me about you. I'm not entirely sure if it's vice versa. So help me out on that will ya?

And it's also because of that, you can bet that I can let it go a hell lot easier too. I'll treat silence as a yes to me letting go until you break it up for me clearly. So, hopefully, the silence won't be long enough to convince myself to let you go. My therapist taught me that too. I'm sure I'm gonna have no trouble leaving a rock behind when I'm supposed to be looking for gold.

That should be a familiar enough line to tell you that I'm talking about you. Yes you. Since I can't mention anyone's name here in public for the greater good, I guess that'd have to do. I also sent you an e-mail. It's the clear version without the blogger anonymity mods. That should get things to the point a whole lot better. But if there's anything I understand about girls, I know they shun the world for a while when they get mad. So by the time you read this, that should've stopped.

But hey, if I'm wrong, then, well, maybe I don't know shit about girls even after being in a serious relationship with one for 3 years after all.

Well, for whatever's worth, it was very hard trying to not overstep my bounds and sound like I'm directly hitting on you. I guess our last conversation made it all sorta spill out of control, and it hit you in all the wrong places.

FYI, there's no hint of flattery in my words. I think I mentioned before somewhere I don't say things that I don't mean unless I really mean it. I always stick true to my code. And that was why I couldn't be frank with the words I like you and I had to beat around and imaginery bush.

But since you've got the wrong frequency about this, I've got no choice but to go forth with the truth bomb. Anymore failed analogies or metaphors will just screw this mess up even more.

Well, liking someone sure sucks balls when you don't want that person to find out doesn't it? And truth be told, I've liked you even before you told me you had a teenage crush on me before. When you did that, it just amplified that feeling that I kept denying it due to my allegiance for my former love. What were the odds that that person would be you anyways?

I was thrilled when I got to talk to you again. Really. Honest, cross my heart.

Gosh. Man, am I just bad with words or are all the girls I happen to like always misunderstand me.

ALL OF THEM.

I guess that means by default that I'm bad with words.

Well, there ya have it. Hope you're happy(ier) when you've read this far. Because now, it's highly likely we can't go back to talking like our usual selves without acting up a restraint to our curious natures. We can pretend, but it's either gonna be really hard, or really fun.

Or we can just don't pretend. Really depends on how you wanna do that.

I wanted to spare you that awkwardness. But I guess it can't be helped now. *sigh*

I like you girl. That's all.
Thanks for all the time you've spent with me. We won't come in contact anymore if that's what you want.
Don't worry, you don't have to get to know Osla. I can spare you this world of mine.
You don't have to come in. It's sickening, delirious and will drive you insane.

Now, for my therapeutic I'm grateful gist, I'm grateful that,
1. I've fallen for someone else!
2. I've realized that my ex was true love, and there's actually room for more than one if I allow it.
3. I've told her how I felt.

However, I'm very ungrateful for this one particular thing:
1. That she had to sleep with the thought of me angering her the night we ended that conversation.
2. she misunderstood my intentions by a 360.
3. I made her feel like crap when I told her how I felt through metaphors and analogies.

Hoo-hah! I'm Both Grateful and Ungrateful011 11-10-2013

t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)t(-_-t)

Moral of story, just stfu Osla. Maybe someone was right when he said that I'm better off being a silent wallflower. Jesus Therapist, why do you have to make me comfortable about being vulnerable for? If I wasn't, then I wouldn't have said anything in the first place out of insecurity right?

No comments: