Monday, October 21, 2013

Spilled Liquid Paper!

Into my blogger text editor with ctrl+z!

Just great.

Nothing fucking irritates me more than spending a good
hour writing a post and everything just go *poof* with an
accidental push of a button.

Oh life is great alright.

Just when I thought ctrl + z would help more than damage.

I'm just grateful I'm not punching the damned wall right now
or hammering my face into the computer table until I bleed or
throw my tantrum at someone and hurt that person so badly
it traumatizes him.

No, this isn't exactly a very grateful post but I'm far too pissed
to even be genuinely grateful of anything at all.

Fucking Blogger.

21-10-2013 I Donwanna Be Grateful Today 021

Fine. I'll start over. I've made a more civilized version
of this before Blogger made things so awesome for me
and forced me with a blank page again, but since that
already happened and I'm mighty pissed right now,
I think I have every right to be as expressive as I can. 


So, today I opened myself up to someone.
Very scary mental procedure, but I did 
it anyways. 

My secrets don't really matter to me. But if it matters
to who's asking about it, I don't see why I should 
hold back.

And well, aside from that, I've been thinking through
some stuff.

Like, why do I keep returning back into games and seek
refuge in them?

The keyword is refuge. Games shield me from disappointment.
I don't have to deal with my dad telling me my artwork isn't good
enough, my mom comparing how she treats me better in comparison
to him, those leering eyes over my shoulder than lasts up to 2 hours
sometimes without keeping their eyes away.

It's just a hell lot easier to not try so hard and fall off a cliff in the process. 
Why take that risk when I'm safe here with a nice cozy bench and a super 
cool magazine right?

I've already fallen down that damned cliff so many times, and it hurts so 
bad it almost feel like I'm getting cancer. So why should I bother?

It's easier to hide under the guise of a gamer than to flash my diligence
around and invite unwelcome company, if you know what I mean.

Then why don't I just move my workstation into my room where I can
fully focus in private without having my windbag family members/
outsiders to be a constant thorn to my ever exhausting motivation?

Because having the workstation outside was the initial plan. It's supposed
to challenge me to get outside my damned comfort shell and prepare me
for work life. But clearly my college experience differs to what happens at
home. Oddly enough, when I'm in college or elsewhere, I'm perfectly fine
when other people are watching or leering.

Whatever y'know.

But when it's kin, I get this aching feeling to just ram my elbow to the back
and hear'em squirm in pain because their very presence just so damned 
infuriating to my creative senses. It's like them being there actually wards
off all my ideas and nulls all gears of motivation.

Them asking me senseless questions that bear no importance to my work,
making my workstation a community flockspot to do their stuff like my
stuff don't matter shit, asking me to do things with them when they could
tell very well I am still busy, and taking their own sweet time doing their things
at the risk of me having all of motivation and inspiration deprived of me
the very moment they seek to be my greatest assistants.

I have no idea how to describe this shitty feeling, but I guess you can say
that it feels a lot similar like sending away someone you love so much to
someone you hate with all your heart and they expect you to wish them
all the best when you know you just want to throw a grenade at them
and blow those two motherfuckers down in one explosion.

I mean, if it happens just once, then fine! By all means. But no, it's a 
repetitive endless cycles that keeps on rolling day after day after day.

So if you actually catch me being pissy, well, I'll leave it up to your
discretion to do whatever you want with that knowledge. Just don't
blame me if something happens to you just because you felt like
wanting to pry into my rage fit.

So then anyways, why not move my goddamned workstation into my room?

Because I sweat like mad and I don't want my bedroom to smell like a gym.

And I do still enjoy eating in front of my computer when I've got some move
downloads done or when I'm taking a break once in a while. 

A luxury I can't exactly afford to do in my room lets I wish to incur the 
interests of the many insects my humble home harbors.

I can do that at my workstation because it's basically the dining room, albeit
just a part of it. Even so, it's still in the dining room. So yeah.

And I've already worked so hard to setup my workstation for it to be the
ideal workplace for me. It'd be such a waste to just give up and walk away
now when I know fully well that if I can overcome this, I can sit right next
to Thor in Asgard.

Then you know the fun part. He'll let me use Mjolnir and I can fling it to
those imbeciles who I think require a heavy head concussion therapy.

I call that Permanent Head Damage, or PHD for short.

So why are you still trying so hard for something as dumb as this?
Because I've already gone this far. To let them all go now would make no
bloody sense.

But is it working to your favor?
No.

So do you think you need a change of scene?
Yes.

OK. I think I got my answer. 

What is it? Uh, can't I like get a night to cool off from getting pissed?
I'll let you know when it's time. Till then, that's all for today.

I'm grateful for... I think you already know what.
So. Bye.

21-10-2013 I'm Grateful 021

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