Friday, October 04, 2013

Super Homework - The Power of Vulnerability

Now, remember when I said I'll make another post about vulnerability?

I'm gonna do all the questions based on this pdf right here.

You can download it and do it yourself discreetly if you feel like it.

Me? Oh I'm under therapy. I just thought if I'm gonna share it to just my
good friend, might as well share to the world. What's there to hide anyways?

Ok, just a word of warning, this is pretty friggin' long so. Yeah.

What it Means to Dare Greatly
Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.”

So discuss and/or write down your thoughts on vulnerability.
1. How would you define vulnerability?
Being open with who you are without fear of judgment.

2. What are the beliefs you hold around vulnerability?
Judgments of others have no bearings towards people who are whole-hearted to their
cause in life.

3. How was vulnerability viewed in your family? What were the lessons (spoken or unspoken) about being vulnerable?
Oh, classic Asian bullshit. We cannot appear weak or we'll be trampled on, so be perfect or packs your bags and leave.

4. Did you grow up seeing vulnerability modeled?
Nope, I was raised to feel like shit about having no accomplishments. There ain't no room for vulnerability in a typical Asian family. Well, until I got older. Until now.

5. What’s your current comfort level with vulnerability?
Lets see... when I was dealing with bullies in primary school, I was completely uncomfortable.

When it came to High School, it was fun adapting to new honest me. I was comfortable then.

Then I got depressed with life in Form 4, that sucked ass. I wasn't vulnerable anymore. There
wasn't anything to be comfortable about. I was just waiting to self-destruct.

But post-depression, yes, I was doing very well with being me again. Then I met my ex, who wanted to change everything about me, and she made me question my identity as a person again. She introduced the idea of success to me and I changed a lot of things in myself to cater to her needs, which she doesn't give a fuck about seeing that she still left me anyways. It was really uncomfortable then, having to impress her all the time. It's just not me. Might be my best form, but doesn't really make me happy.

When she left my life, I lost my only goal, and that sparked my spur of purposelessness. Not to exaggerate, but nobody knows how much I've loved her. I don't even think she knows, realized or understood. So whatever, that part of my life is over and looking back, I'm actually pretty glad it ended.

And yes, I'm currently very comfortable with vulnerability. If I wasn't, this post most probably would
still be in drafts.

How would you respond to these questions?
1. What does vulnerability feel like?
It feels like walking out naked in front of everyone and then they all respond by using a marker and scribble on your body something they want to comment about how you look.

2. What do you do with vulnerability?
I embrace it by kicking it in the rear real hard I guess, or I just give it a hug. That vulnerable part I see is a reflection on me. I Don't think it's wise to keep it hidden all the time.

3. When do you feel the most vulnerable?
When I enrolled into art college, when I paint, when I'm in the process of art creation and when
I'm with someone I'm romantically interested in.

We humans have a tendency to define things by what they are not. "is is especially true of our emotional experiences.”

How would you define vulnerability in terms of what it is not?
Vulnerability isn't one thing for sure. It isn't self-sacrifice. It's also not self-infliction and it isn't pain.

Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.”

Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Why?
Yes, because it's what makes us all human. We're all not robots. We have emotions.
Playing it strong all the time acting cool is like the biggest form of insecurity, because
it is a sign showing that they cannot stand the shame being vulnerable beings. We're all
imperfect, why push it away when we can just embrace it and face it all together?

Chapter 1
Scarcity: Looking Inside Our Culture of “Never Enough” 

…when I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.

When you think of behaviors that are often labeled narcissistic, can you see how the shame of being too ordinary or the fear of having a life that’s too small might drive those behaviors? Why or why not?
Yes, because we all struggle to be accepted by the society and the first step to usually fitting into
society is to mold ourselves to become one of them, so that we can belong there. So we strive to
be what we aren't and what they are, in efforts to impress others and make them think you're not
a nobody, but you are somebody when you actually don't have to.

Being you is just fine. But people don't see that. That's the fucking problem.

I see the cultural messaging everywhere that says that an ordinary life is a meaningless life.
Think about what you watch on TV, the magazines you read, the music you listen to on the radio, and the billboards you drive or walk by everyday. What are some of the expectations and messages (subtle and not-so-subtle) that fuel the fear of being ordinary?
The expectations of the presence of money and riches, and ideal lifestyle you don't need, unnecessary obligation to provide someone for if you're gonna be looking for a partner to settle down with, all in all, they just scream materialism. We humans back in the day were just fine living in caves with no currency. All the problems we have today are inherent because of the existence of economics and monetary value.

How are our struggles and behaviors related to protecting ourselves? How are our behaviors, thoughts, and emotions related to vulnerability and the need for a strong sense of worthiness?

How do you fill in the blanks

“Never _______________________________ enough”

Never good enough.

What makes this constant assessing and comparing so self-defeating is that we are often comparing 
our lives, our marriages, our families, and our communities to unattainable, media-driven visions of 
perfection, or we’re holding up our reality against our own fictional account of how great someone else has it. Nostalgia is also a dangerous form of comparison. "Think about how often we compare ourselves and our lives to a memory that nostalgia has so completely edited that it never really existed…

What idealized accounts (media, nostalgia, etc) do you compare your life to most frequently? For example, do you sometimes find yourself comparing your house or apartment to the Pottery Barn Catalogue? Do you compare your family holidays with the Hallmark commercials?
I'm involved with arts, and I wanna create good ones where people will just awe at, so naturally my most idealized accounts would always be comparing my life to that of a master's. I can't just create shit work and expect people to blindly awe at them. That's not being vulnerable. That's just plain stupid. We need to have the decency to at least measure ourselves own worth before jumping into something we're not even sure we can handle.

Being vulnerable sometimes mean having blind faith that things would go well for you when you know you're not good enough, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go in as prepared as you can be. Stay vulnerable, but make sure it's the best of your form. Struggling to try your best isn't a form of weakness in my understanding.

Chapter 2:
Debunking the Vulnerability Myths 
Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.
How would you fill in the blanks?
Vulnerability is __________________.
Vulnerability is scary.

Vulnerability feels like ___________________________.
Vulnerability feels like walking out naked when everyone's watching you and having them scribble things they want to comment about what they think about you.

Yes, we are totally exposed when we are vulnerable. Yes, we are in the torture chamber that we call 
uncertainty. And yes, we’re taking a huge emotional risk when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. But 
there’s no equation where taking risks, braving uncertainty, and opening ourselves up to emotional 
exposure equals weakness.

Think of a time in your life where you did something really courageous or brave. What role did vulnerability play?
I went back to tell my ex that I liked her too, and it made it clear that both of us had mutual sense of affection against one another. We opened up ourselves in a way we couldn't when we were just friends. Vulnerability allowed us to connect and convey our heartfelt feelings.

Did you feel uncertain? Did it feel risky? Did you feel emotionally exposed?
Bingo on all 3. But I never regretted it. She was the one who helped me learn that I don't need someone's love to make me happy. My love for myself is usually more than sufficient. But it'd be nice to have someone else love me. If not, I should do just fine. I think.

Does it make sense to you that “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage?
Yes. How would you know whether you're vulnerable or not if you haven't shared your past painful experiences to someone before and never expected any empathy from it?

When we operate from the belief that we “don’t do vulnerability” we should ask ourselves these questions:
1. What do I do when I feel emotionally exposed?
I feel judged, insecure and afraid of social stigma.

2. How do I behave when I’m feeling very uncomfortable and uncertain?
I'm super nervous and I expect the worst like a super-pessimist.

3. How willing am I to take emotional risks?
Very willing, especially when someone needs my help.

I write about the idea of marble jar friends as a metaphor for the relationship between trust and vulnerability Who are your marble jar friends? How did your marble jar friends get their marbles?
They got their marbles through mutual interests at first I guess. Then I slowly get more when I know people with similar relatable experiences I've gone through and they too got my marble.

Vulnerability and courage beget vulnerability and courage.”
When have you experienced this in your own life? When has your vulnerability opened the door for someone else or vice versa?
I guess the only time it mattered was when I confessed to my ex and she said yes.

I did believe that I could opt out of feeling vulnerable, so when it happened – when the phone rang with unimaginable news; or when I was scared; or when I loved so fiercely that rather than feeling gratitude and joy I could only prepare for loss – I controlled things. I managed situations and micromanaged the people around me. I performed until there was no energy left to feel. I made what was uncertain certain no matter what the cost. I stayed so busy that the truth of my hurting and my fear could never catch up. I looked brave on the outside and felt scared on the inside.”

Do you spend time and energy trying to make the uncertain certain? If so, how?
Yeah, like my skills in art. Through daily practice.

Do you use “crazy busy” as armor? How?
No, in fact I wish I'm crazy busy all the time. I've always had serious motivation issues since I was depressed in high school, so I don't know of such an armor. But I guess if anything, I always occupy myself with things to do to get my mind off my breakup. If that counts then yes, I do use crazy busy.

Are there certain situations or experiences where you feel the need to look brave on the outside while you’re really feeling fearful on the inside? What do those situations have in common?
Ah yes, especially when we had to breakup. I had to appear strong so that there were no longer any lingering affection between us. We need to snap everything there and then, so it had to be as believable as it could it, as much as my heart was bleeding inside.

But if anything... I guess I usually only appear brave to people when I feel like I need to give them a peace of mind about something. That's just me I guess. I sorta grow up getting used to picking up the pieces for everyone else. Letting people make them their tantrum bag, let people blame me for things I didn't do, let people dictate my life. My life sucks. Haha.

Nothing has transformed my life more than realizing that it’s a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands. The people who love me and will be there regardless of the outcome are within arm’s reach. This realization changed everything.

How would your life look different if you no longer evaluated your worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands?
More peaceful and humble with less expectations of myself I guess.


Who are the people who are with you in the arena?
Currently nobody. I've always been kinda alone despite having people I call family present in my life. I don't really talk and connect well with them.

Who are the folks that you most often picture in the stands?
My family, strangers, the people I care about, friends, everyone in general. I usually fight my battles alone in the arena and I struggle to not let anyone be seen in the arena with me. I protect people from the need to enter the arena. Me being there is enough. The others don't have to be there and experience what I do if they don't want to.

I’m often my harshest critic. I see myself in the stands criticizing and judging. Are you in the stands?
Yes. 3 versions of me. My Blue Psyche, my Red Psyche and my Gray Psyche. Blue will always hold account to my most beneficial and logical circumstances, Red will always be the one involving emotions and Gray is the one that seeks to be the supercool chilled assassin that cares for nothing in the world. Sometimes they are all quiet, but they could uncannily come together and bite me all at once too.

Chapter 3
Understanding and Combating Shame 

In simple terms, "if they love it, you’re worthy; if they don’t, you’re worthless?

Essentially and sadly, yes.

Have you ever attached your self-worth to how something of yours was received?
Yes. My artworks. My hard work. My best form. Me being the guy who wants to please everybody.

How did that affect your ability to share it with others and navigate the reaction of others?
I stop sharing of course. Why the need to deliberately embarrass myself with the level of crap I have? But somewhere along the way, I started to think it was ok, and sometimes it wasn't and feelings bounce all over the place from time to time. It's a mess in my head haha.

“You know that you are far more than a painting, an innovative idea, an effective pitch, a good sermon, or a high Amazon.com ranking.”
I wish.

What are your “gremlins,” and what do they say to you to prevent you from moving forward?
I'm not good enough. I don't have what it takes. I don't have the talent. I wasn't born to do this. I've got not apt for such a thing. I don't live forever.

…every successful woman whom I’ve interviewed has talked to me about the sometimes daily struggle to push past “the rules” so she can assert herself, advocate for her ideas, and feel comfortable with her power and gifts

How do you feel pushing past “the rules?”
In art? If it's not work, then there's no need to play safe. I can do whatever the hell I want. But if it is work, then I definitely cannot just simply push past the rules.

Has not pushing past them helped or hurt you personally and professionally?
Yeah. I cannot realize my own potential. It sucks when you have to eat it up repetitively.

Where do you feel the most resistance to push?
When I just can't take it anymore.

Where is it easiest? Why do you think it’s harder or easier in these circumstances?
It's easiest when everything is in place ideally. It's harder when almost all of them aren't present at the same time.

In this chapter I discuss the primary soft spots for men and women in regards to shame. On pages 90 -91, I write, “They went after my appearance and my mothering – two kill shots taken straight from the list of feminine norms.” On page 92, I write, “Basically, men live under the pressure of one relenting message: Do not be perceived as weak.”

Based on your personal experiences, do the list of masculine and feminine norms ring true for you? Why or why not?
Yes. Everyone is judgemental. Nobody can escape from it. Everybody wants someone they can rely on, and they expect those people to always be good at things they don't do themselves, hence the reliance, so they definitely need someone they can be comfortable with to trust them. You don't expect yourself to be completely vulnerable to a disabled retard who can't even lift a finger on his own. I mean, just think about it.

How do you protect these vulnerabilities and at what cost?
Through self-betterman and not admitting to my own weaknesses. It's usually only at the cost of more time consumption.

…We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the truth is that most women can’t stomach it. In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust

As a man, what have the reactions been when you were vulnerable with your family, friends or partner?
That excerpt exactly. It's as if women have a right to meek and men can't. If we do things only they are privileged to do, they are filled with anguish and spite us for it. It's not the case for all people, but most of everyone in the world still follows the original sexual complex of men are above women, which has been internalized all eternity since whenever.

As a woman, how have you reacted to the men in your life when they were vulnerable?
Not a woman.

Did anything surprise you from the conversation between men and women about sex? If so, what did and why?
People who say they are modern people are always the bigger hypocrites. They apply gender equality where it benefits them and breaks them all up when it doesn't. Girls especially.

Shame resilience…is about finding a middle path, an option that allows us to stay engaged and to find the emotional courage we need to respond in a way that aligns with our values

When have you traded in your values for a quick way out of shame? What would it have looked like to find the middle path and practice emotional courage in a way that kept you aligned with your values?
When I was younger, I picked on bullies back with intellectual harassment when they wanted to give me physical abuse. If I just took the middle path then, it's highly likely I wouldn't even be alive to see the time where I got depressed over a sorry girl who didn't even deserve me in the first place.

“To set down those lists of what we’re supposed to be is brave. To love ourselves and support each other
in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly”

What’s on your “prerequisites for worthiness” list? How did it get there? What would you have to let go of in order to move toward Wholeheartedness? (I’m still working on this question in my own life. I don’t think there are easy answers, but I think it’s worth asking. Again and again.)
My prerequisite for worthiness is not be anyone's pain in the ass? It got there the moment I received my first scolding. If I were to move to wholeheartedness, it would mean that everyone has to accept me as the version of being the pain in the ass nobody wants to be with and live with it.

I doubt that'd ever happen.

Chapter 4
The Vulnerability Armory 
“Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.”
How do feel around people who don’t let you in or who armor against vulnerability?
I feel irritated. Why am I doing all the exposing when others don't even bother?

How would you answer the following questions about the vulnerability armory:
How do I protect myself?
By being verbose with my intellectual prowess.

When and how did it start?
Since my bullying days in primary school which nobody gives a shit about, including my mom. Honest. She was the ones who asked me to deal with them myself when I was 7. So I learned that whenever I began outwitting others in a verbal argument, people back down and I earn my peace and quiet. I still do it even now. It's both my gift and bane of my existence.

What would it take to put the armor away?
As long as nobody's gonna toss my notebook into the toilet again, or pull down my pants, or push me into the concrete floor and laugh at my bleeding wound, or stab me with pencils or defame my parental heritage and family in anyways, sure, I'd gladly put those armors away.

If those are still happening, then well, I guess someone's gonna have to pay for my cremation soon.

Think about the ways you shield yourself from vulnerability. How would you fill in the blanks?

My first instinct is to ______________________, but that never worked,
so now I ________________________, and that’s changed my life.
I spent years ____________________________ until one day
I tried __________________________, and it made my relationship stronger.

My first instinct is to find their weakness and guilt-trip them, but that never worked,
so now I tell people my weaknesses and share my past pains, and that's changed my life.
I spent years belittling everyone I see with words until one day
I tried to tell them something positive and complimented them, and it made my relationship stronger.

Geebers, something is wrong with this blanks.

Ok, then maybe this.

My first instinct is to run away from them, but that never worked,
so now I face them, and that's changed my life.
I spent hiding all my life inside a closet until one day
I tried to open myself up to them, and it made my relationship stronger.

Scarcity and fear drive foreboding joy. We’re afraid that the feeling of joy won’t last, or that there 
won’t be enough, or that the transition to disappointment (or whatever is in store for us next) will be too diffcult. We’ve learned that giving into joy is, at best, setting ourselves up for disappointment and, at worst, inviting disaster.

When are you most likely to experience “foreboding joy” in your life? What are the reasons you foreclose on your joy? Do you find yourself just waiting for the other shoe to drop?
In relationships when the arguments begin to keep coming and burning ablaze. When that happen, I no longer neglect the fact that things could be over between us due to the tension and rift we cause each other and the fleeting happiness that's going away as we go through the squabbles.

So yeah, we both mutually become tired of one another and the silent period ensues until one of us finally gives the ultimatum to break up. I won't say it because I'll do my best to compromise and I love with all my heart. I can't say the same for my partner though. The more I gave in, the more she asked for, and in the end, it still wasn't enough. What's the point then? Might as well just practice one-sided love from a distance. I was a lot less miserable then.

For those welcoming the experience, the shudder of vulnerability that accompanies joy is an invitation to practice gratitude, to acknowledge how truly grateful we are for the person, the beauty, the connection, or simply the moment before us.”
How do you practice gratitude in your everyday life? Are there missed opportunities in your life to cultivate gratitude? If so, what could you do differently to make space for more gratitude and joy?
I just thank people when it is called for. And I occasionally throw small compliments at people to let them know the world isn't all filled with bad people. My house grew up with everyone not saying anything to one another. There was no form of greeting, which is why I still adjust to wishing people good day, or good morning or good night till date. It just seems like a very alienated culture to me.

I'm not entirely sure if it makes me happy when I hear such greetings. But I've seen how it makes someone smile in the morning with the words good morning when I was working. So I might just say it more.

If the opposite of scarcity is enough, then practicing gratitude becomes the highest form of acknowledging that there’s enough and that we’re enough.

The next time you get the vulnerability shudder, use this line to practice gratitude:
I’m feeling vulnerable about __________________ and I’m so grateful for ________________.

I'm feeling vulnerable about my artwork and I'm so grateful for having masters to study from.

How does it feel?
It makes me feel indifferent. If my examples are about art, generally the vulnerability gist can't really apply. It's not so much about sharing. It's just about skill and level of technique and understanding of the concepts behind art. It's annoying. But yeah, it's good to know someone else has succeeded before me and I can learn from them instead of starting from scratch.

How do you get past that immediate “vulnerability shudder” right now?
If I don't care about it, there will be no shudder.

I’ve never heard one person attribute their joy, success, or wholeheartedness to being perfect. In fact, what I’ve heard over and over throughout the years is one clear message…Perfectionism is not the path that leads us to our gifts and to our sense of purpose; it’s the hazardous detour.
Where do you think you are on the perfection continuum – where do you hustle most in your life?
I hustle most in struggling to perfect my art, which will never be free of public judgement if I were to make it my career. So yes, I need to be perfect. Or I guess I don't need to if I just throw in the towel now. Hm.

Do you use perfectionism as a shield? If so, what’s the threat? What scares you the most about putting down the shield?
Putting down art as not a possible choice for career anymore and treating it like it's a hobby. That's just such a waste of my 3 years in art college.

And numbing vulnerability is especially debilitating because it doesn’t just deaden the pain of our 
difficult experiences; numbing vulnerability also dulls our experiences of love, joy, belonging, creativity, and empathy. We can’t selectively numb emotion. Numb the dark and you numb the light.

What are the emotions you try to numb and what emotions would you like to experience more in your life?
I numb... suffering I guess. Especially with the grudge I hold against everyone who's done something bad or hurtful to me before. And the betrayal of all my trust placed in my ex.

I just wanna experience more inner tranquility. Happiness is, and will always be just an unintended side-effect for me. I don't chase after it anymore ever since 3 years of my life got cheated away to a girl who doesn't even love me for who I am. It's stupid how I still love her like a blind mule.

the participants who struggled the most with numbing, Group A, explained that reducing anxiety 
meant finding ways to numb it, not changing the thinking, behaviors, or emotions that created anxiety.

Do you find yourself in Group A or Group B? Why do you put yourself in that particular group?
Group B I guess, because I don't struggle with numbing. I just don't. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't. I just take things as they are. I don't deliberately numb them unless I need to. If there's an instance where I actually do struggle with numbing, it's when my feelings go out of control for my ex, and I feel the need to calm myself down. To let myself continue being vulnerable then is as foolish as putting my head into a tiger's mouth.

Are my choices comforting and nourishing my spirit, or are they temporary reprieves from vulnerability and difficult emotions ultimately diminishing my spirit? Are my choices leading to my wholeheartedness, or do they leave me feeling empty and searching?
My choices never really comfort me and nourish my spirit. I'm always what people want me to be for them. That way of living was easier for me. I can always make sacrifices they can't, so it was easy to do so. They are definitely temporary reprieves from vulnerability and i've always had multitudes of emotions and things at the back of my head chewing at my life, let alone spirit. So no, my choices definitely don't leave me being wholehearted and they definitely leave me feeling empty and searching.

How do you differentiate comfort and nourishment from numbing? Are there areas that are more difficult than others?
Comfort and nourishment should make me feel better I guess, whereas numbing just causes all sensations to stop. Making myself happy wasn't easy when I don't have a self-worth, so worthiness has always been instilled in me since then. I'd rather be numb than dead. There is no use in comforting and nourishing a dead man.

I believe that owning our worthiness is the act of acknowledging that we are sacred. Perhaps embracing vulnerability and overcoming numbing is ultimately about the care and feeding of our spirits.

What are two ways that you feed your spirit? How do you know that you need more care? How do you know you are full?
I feed my spirit by exercising to know that I'm still capable of living. I also talk to people to know that there are people who still care about me being alive. I know I need more care when I become severely demotivated or suicidal. I know I'm full when I'm satisfied beyond belief about my accomplishments for the day.

…when we lead, teach, or preach from a gospel of Viking or Victim, win or lose, we crush faith, 
innovation, creativity, and adaptability to change.

Have you experienced the Viking or Victim paradigm in your life? How has the “either/or” approach affected your ability to be vulnerable or be in relationship?
Yes, everyone like to take advantage of each other's weaknesses. Being able to be vulnerable is a luxury we don't get much these days when we leave in a society where everyone tramples over each other just to get what they want. This fear has always been my guiding factor to whether I should be vulnerable to people or not. You'll never know when someone would shove a knife through your back.

What we don’t see is that using vulnerability is not the same thing as being vulnerable; it’s the opposite – it’s armor.”

When have you used floodlighting as a vulnerability shield? What were the circumstances and what did you learn about yourself?
I guess I floodlight when I need to take the fall for someone about something. So I just put it out there in hopes that people will find me more gullible than the other. If I didn't, that person would be dealt with very harshly by his or her parents, and learned that I'd do anything to help someone else.

Serpentining’ means trying to control a situation, backing out of it, pretending it’s not happening, or maybe even pretending that you don’t care.

When are you most likely to “serpentine” to avoid vulnerability? Is it when you are preparing for difficult conversations? Or when you feel like you might disappoint someone or make them angry? Do you serpentine when you don’t know the right answer?
I would serpentine when there's someone I don't want knowing about my vulnerability present. If I'm in difficult conversations, I'm usually fine. I don't need to serpentine. If I might disappoint or make someone angry though, I won't, I'll just apologize for being who I am, and I'm sorry if I offended or upsetted them for being me. And if I don't know the answer to something, I don't act smart and cook up an equation on the spot. I'll just say I don't know.

What does your zigzag pattern look like?
I actually have no idea.

…there’s nothing that makes us feel more threatened and more incited to attack and shame people than to see someone daring greatly. Someone else’s daring provides an uncomfortable mirror that reflects back our own fears about showing up, creating, and letting ourselves be seen.

Who supports your daring?
Only my ex did. Now my therapist too. Sometimes my mom. But generally, everyone's always against me.

Who pushes back when you step into your power and let yourself be seen?
My ex did this more than support most of the time, so it really hurts to receive wrong signals at confusing frequencies as to why she was being like that. But pretty much everyone else in my life has the tendency to push me back I guess. I mean, bullies, bitches, hypocrites, sometimes enough is enough dontcha think?

Chapter 5
Mind the Gap: Cultivating Change and Closing the Disengagement Divide 
On page 174, I list ten questions that I ask to help me better understand the values and culture of a group
(organization, family, congregation, etc.). Think about your family, work, or community and answer these questions.

It’s especially helpful to do this with someone in your group. What do your answers tell you about “how you get things done?” What values are important? Does the culture reflect your values and what’s important to you?
I'm pretty reckless from what I see.  I value the people I care about more than myself and this culture I live in is a farcry from what I've expected in myself.

Make a list of your aspirational values. What’s really important to you? What values guide your everyday decision making?
Not hurt anyone, be the source of someone's happiness if possible and if not, then just stay out of everyone's life. Always do things out of sincerity, always be honest, and always be genuine.

Reflecting on your list of aspirational values, how do you practice these everyday? Calendars are truth-tellers. When you look at your calendar or schedule, do your commitments reflect what’s really important to you? If so, how? If not, what does your calendar say?
I practice them by just doing them as they come. My calendar's currently empty so I don't exactly measure my commitment and what's important to me as my calendar literally says nothing.

Chapter 6
Disruptive Engagement: Daring to Rehumanize Education and Work

Do you agree or disagree with my definition of a leader (on page 185)? In what situations do you hold yourself responsible for finding the potential in people and processes?
I don't know what's that definition so I'm gonna pass on that. But I do know that I hold myself responsible for finding the potential in people and processes when nobody wants to step up for the job. And I must admit that it always goes awry when I do that. You can't exactly magically make people who doesn't want to do work do work y'know.

In this chapter I talk about ways to identify shame and disengagement in systems (organizations, families, schools, etc.). What behaviors do you identify as shame red flags at work? At home? In your community?
Deliberate comparison of idealisms.

Blame is simply the discharging of pain and discomfort. We blame when we’re uncomfortable and 
experience pain – when we’re vulnerable, angry, hurt, in shame, grieving.

Blame is often a go-to place for me. When something goes wrong I immediately want to know “Who’s to blame?” Do you blame? If so, how does it affect your relationships? What would it take to move from blame to acceptance and/or accountability?
I blame. I blame myself for a lot of things. Some people are happy with me carrying the burden and some people aren't. If blame were to be moved to acceptance and accountability, I'd have to first let the real people to blame step up to their faults. But why push when they're already on the ledge?


Personal end-note.

Ok maybe I'm still not completely grasping the concept of vulnerability.

But here's what I do know I do.

I always trust people first before doubting them. Especially people who are my friends. I'm cautious around strangers. I have no problems telling people stories of my past, but I've definitely got issues being weak and unresourceful with my own life. My past and my current inadequateness are completely 2 separate things.

I don't mind laying myself bare for people to judge. What I do mind is whether I can earn my own cup of tea or not. That's all I really care about.

Now, for project grateful.
I'm grateful
1. that I found back a piece of good memory.
2. that I finished this... whatever this is.


Mainly because I didn't like the anatomy here.


Something's wrong with the back arm nfhakrghkhaegkiawhefwahgeh I can't wraparound the logics. Gyah, and after all the time I spent in the goddamn outline.

3. I'm grateful I'm finally not giving a shit about posting these up.

4-10-2013 I'm Grateful 004

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