Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Fake Strength is Still Strength

There's a saying that goes "fake it till you mean it."

Or "cheat your way with lies and turn them into truth."

And maybe something like "Act a certain way long enough
for you to believe you're truly acting that way because you
mean it."

Strength is such a queer thing. It just feels so much easier (at least
to me) to pretend that you're strong and fine in front of other people.

Maybe it's because of the disconnection that allows us to perform
better in front of those people, since we'd care less about what
they say, and we can shrug off almost anything coming from them
because we really don't care that much.

Or we couldn't care.

But when it comes down to people like your family and close friends,
no matter how much you try to put up a resistance,

everything breaks down.

They see you bare for the wrong reasons, and their stares
and judgments are more often that not the most damaging,
most incriminating, and most lethal.

They are the people who are supposed to understand us best
but in actuality, misunderstands us most and ostracizes us for
being whatever they are not.

It hurts so much that sometimes, you'd rather just receive a dagger
from behind by a random stranger. In the very least, the element
of constant betrayal won't be churned together with your influx
of confusing emotions.

You'd rather just that. Because it's so much easier when dissociated.

But what if there was a way to end this inner turmoil? Why are
we so afraid of getting hurt and implode within ourselves such
corrosive worries?

We often ask how, but in reality, we actually don't want to have
the answer to that. We'd rather avoid the conflict and run if we
can help it. We yearn for the problem to somehow solve itself.

Then what if all other alternatives are exhausted but confrontation?
What's stopping us from doing so?

If it's the hurt, then why are we still bleeding even without confrontation?
Maybe all it takes... is for us to be brave enough to receive a blade in our
gut willingly as we embrace that person in your arms?

I honestly don't know if I have the strength to do it. But if I want it long
enough, sooner or later, the wish will materialize itself, be it my true intent
or a fake one.

Because if we follow the theory that an act of greatness, is greatness in
itself, then it should hold true as well if the theory says that a display of
courage, is courage in itself.

How does one willingly want to get hurt while still afraid of being hurt anyways?

I'll leave that question for you to ponder. Because I'd really love to hear the
answer to that. But whether or not it'd be possible for me to do the same
will undoubtedly be another issue to overcome in itself.

Either way,

For now, I'm just grateful that
1. It's a huge piece of peace and quiet over here.
2. The weather finally got warmer.
3. I solved a lot of problems today.
4. I've vented out.
5. I've regained my composure.
6. I've gotten hot, then released them and returned to a state of coolness.
7. I've thought of today positively and strove to not cause a scene.
8. I know that I could very well cause a scene and put up a fight,
but I didn't do it.

18/12/2013 I'm grateful 069

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