Thursday, December 12, 2013

Standing Up For Me

Today, it really dawned on me that I'm a fucking coward of sorts.
Seems like I really have an issue with being talked down to, or
when dealt with incidental rage. Well, I was kinda rushing for an
appointment, but noticing that this happens without fail almost all
the time when someone wants to give me a problem, I think I
should really give this issue a thought.

Because whenever that happens, however it is, I'll be paralyzed
and stunned into silence, and the only thing my body knew how to
respond to it, is to just ignore and walk away. If I try to talk, my usual
chatter demeanor shatters and this stuck up stuttering version of me
starts to show itself.

I can't talk shit and I speak like I have autism. Not exactly a joke.

Could this be the effect of dealing with people the way I did for the
past forever? Or maybe it's just me getting nervous to use a more
foreign language to my usual tongue.

That asshole who tried to pick a fight with me was speaking to me
in BM anyways. And well, I don't really have anyone to speak BM
with these days. Even if I did, it's through text, and not through true
exchange of verbal context.

So I'm mighty rusty.

Either way, the problem was not even a problem to begin with. That
prick just wanted to make a big deal out of it.

All I did was cycle to Taman Bahagia, and I decided to park my
bicycle atop the stairs nearby the motorcycle parking space. I've
always done that for a long time, and it's queer only this time I was
even being reprimanded for it.

That man said:
"Hey awak tak boleh letak basikal kat sana!"

What I should have replied was:
"Kenape pulak tak boleh? Ade sign tak yang cakap saya tak boleh?
Siapa pulak awak untuk cakap yang saya tak boleh letak basikal saya kat sane?
Dah lame tau saya buat nie, kenapa hari nie jer korang nak buat hal? Dahlah
saya nak rushing pegi appointment nie."

What I really replied was:
"Kenapa tak boleh..??" in Chinglish. Seems like even my accent escaped me
this time.

Then he followed up with:
"Tempat itu memang tak boleh letak basikal langsung! Awak nampak tak tempat
itu backdoor? Oi, awak faham ke ape yang saya cakap nie?"

What I should have replied was:
"Encik, kalau itu sememangnya backdoor pun, awak tengoklah sendiri basikal saya
tuh ade halang tak kerja orang? Ade halang pintu keluar tak? Ape pulak masalahnya
dengan basikal itu berada kat atas sana? Sekarang kan musim hujan, kalo basikal
nie kena air hujan, die boleh karat tau. Kalo basikal rosak, awak bayar ke? Tak.
Saya yang kena bayar. Abis tuh ape pulak masalahnya?"

What I really replied was:
"Takde sign pun yang cakap? Sekarang musim hujan la encik. Kalo basikal saya
kena air hujan, ia karat tau."

Then the pissing line came next:
"ITU bukan masalah saya, karat ke tak. You tak boleh letak basikal kat sana."

What I should have replied was:
"Excuse me uncle, saya ni cakap baik-baik dengan awak tau. Dahlah awak menengking
tak tentu hala dengan saya. Siapa pulak awak untuk bersikap macam tuh dengan saya?
Dahlah saya bagi muka dengan awak, cakap dalam BM, taknak pulak singgung perasaan
awak dengan English, tapi awak cakap macam tu dengan saya?

YA, memang betul Encik. Basikal itu MEMANG bukan masalah awak. Tapi yang saya
tak faham tuh, kalau bukan masalah awak, buat ape awak sibuk ngan hal nie? Memang
bukan masalah awak langsung. It's not your problem encik. Encik nie saje nak kacau ke
awak ade rulebook atau ape-ape yang saya boleh lihat sendiri untuk officiate ape-ape her
yang awak nak buat ni. Legal ke? Kalau awak nak buat hal, tolong buat homework sikit
boleh tak? Jangan nak membuta babi dengan saya kat sini.

Yang paling penting sekali, encik nie ade ID tak yang saya boleh tengok? Kalau ape

yang encik cakap tu memang betul, takpe. Saya jalan jer, keluar peaceful. Saya akur
dan admit saya salah. Sebab bukan salah saya kalau takder ape-ape peraturan yang 
boleh saya bace sendiri. Your job is to educate, bukan menengking. Wak faham tak 
difference dier?"

What I really replied:
"..." *takes bicycle down and STFU*

After that has happened, then only did the proper forms of dialogue come rushing
into my head, like the above^

Aih, fuck this. From now on, I'm gonna practice calming down and voicing out
my opinions slowly. Last time, my lecturer failed me for a mistake in his part oso,
I kept quiet only because I knew I wasn't good enough. But had I really argued
that he shouldn't have given me the result last minute there and then, I should really
have deserved a chance for resubmission in the very least.

But again, I didn't. The same thing happened to me.

Even with my brother recently, who did something really really REALLY dumb.
My gosh, how can he play DOTA and expect 1MB of bandwith to have no
lag at all? I didn't mind him cursing like a monkey in front of his com upstairs
or anything, because I do the same down here, and it's a normal process for
dealing with mishaps in gaming.

But claiming that the lines is being leeched of by other people and that cause
the internet performance to suffer? Are you joking? That's not even the worst
part. The worst is when he'd reset the line again and again claiming that if he
did, the internet speed would be faster.

Ah, I'm kinda glad I don't really game seriously anymore, so I didn't really
see nor notice all that much difference. Youtube streaming was still pretty
much the same, and I haven't Torrented since Vikings and Agents of Shield
finished like last month.

And if you must know, the whole reason why my Whatsapp even went
crashing was because he changed the security info for the line, and my
phone just couldn't detect it anymore. It was just able to do just that again
only 2 days back.

The one that really irked me was when I told him there was no notable
difference and there really was no point in doing what he did, and he had
the gall to assert authority onto me with the words

"What you donno you don't talk."

Right. Sure I donno a lot of things. But I'm pretty sure nobody would
want to leech of a 1mb line. Either way, he seems to have noticed a
difference everytime he does the security change, so whatever la.

Doesn't matter if I stand up against him or not.

But knowing that I always could but didn't is really starting to take it's
toll on me. With my ex leaving, my friends misunderstanding me,
my siblings looking down on me and everything, I donno man, it
just has to stop somewhere I guess. Heck, even my little brother
knows how to speak up for himself better than I ever did. I'm so
timid, I can't even walk up to the mamak who screwed up my order
and ask him to get me a replacement.

YES. That's how bad I actually am and I'm just stuck here being like this.

I'm gonna figure out a way to get rid of this stupidity inside me.
Sometimes it doesn't pay to be peaceful. People just need to
get the point across in their skulls, and that's exactly what I'm
gonna do the next time.

Hopefully.

If not then... well, I guess I'll keep running away in disappointment
in the name of peace and hopefully not regret too much in the process.

*sigh*

Today I'm grateful that:
1. I learned how to make coffee
2. I bought some new pages for my diary
3. I explored Bangsar City Mall.

12-12-2013 I'm Grateful 063

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