Thursday, February 27, 2014

Shit People Do When They Don't Really Love You

"I love you so very much"
"We're practically married already"
"I'll never ever leave you"

Sweet words. Good effort. Nice try.

But nonsense when they are all words but no conviction.

There's always gonna be someone out there who loves with the entirety of
their being paired along with those who are just pricks pretending to love in
hopes to fill the empty voids they aren't even keen on figuring their own
emotions out.

I'm glad I was the former, and that I had every justifiable right to be angry
over my experience. Because now, realizing everything, everything just leads
to one conclusion:

She didn't love me (enough). And she's just not worthy of my damned time.

Hopeless self-destructive relationships. Might as well go back to unrequited
love and express the emotions in silence from a comfortable distance.

What she did to me broke me to bits. But after living through the experience,
I couldn't help but wonder if there was any other way to make me stronger
as a person than to survive such a collision with her.

To know what loss really means, to know what it means to give everything
but receive next to shit in return for it, hoping for things to get better when
they are already doomed, staying positive even when both the world and the
relationship throws shit at you.

Finding out first hand what a self-destructive relationship feels like. The kind
you're never completely happy about. Always frustrated. Never really satisfied.
There's always something wrong somewhere and you're always drained the fuck
out of your own soul just being a part of it.

And most important of all, how to discern whether a new relationship is worth
the trouble or not, despite all the emotional incongruencies that one may feel,
especially if the attraction is really strong.

Getting hurt sucks. And I know it better than to just jump in headlong and pray
in blind faith all over again. I consider more variables than before and clarify them
over and over at the top of my head until at least some things feel right before
going forward with the intent.

Because it's true that love doesn't require that much brainwork. If it's love, it's love.
You'll know it if you love someone enough. And you'll also know it if someone doesn't
love you enough.

How do you know that? A good sign for that would be when you're not even sure if
someone loves you even when he says that he loves you. You try your best to believe
in the positive, but no matter how hard you try, you can't help but feel eerily insecure
about it all. Because if the love really clicked, this question would be the least of your
concerns. And you should ultimately be feeling really great about yourself.

Almost to the point where you would go couple camwhoring for eternity.

If I happen to like someone again, I'll do my best to keep no contact with that person.
But if somehow or rather that person still shows up and manages to make contact with
me somehow, then that's the first sign. I mean, really. If you're making constant contact
without you trying to deliberately intervene and make opportunities happen, I'm pretty
sure the universe is nudging something at you somewhat.

Then if I learn something new about that person everytime we make contact, that's the
second sign. I'm always interested to know more about someone if I like that person,
but if I ever find that it stops for too long, maybe I really don't like that person that
much after all. Because if I did, it'd only make sense for me to be more alert and
perceptive about the tidbits wouldn't it?

The third sign is the hardest; figuring out if that person feels anything for me at all without
her ever finding out. Don't even bother asking me how I'll figure this out. Because I'm
pretty much scratching my head as you read this. If I take too long and the girl gets
snagged away by another guy, *shrugs* oh well, at least I never confessed and she
never found out.

Either way, I know in the very least that when I do things this way, I can be certain that
there'll be no need for unnecessary heartaches. No need for unsightly confessions. No
room for childish immaturity. No real-life soap drama.

And if I get hurt in the process, it's all on me for having unrealistic expectations from
someone, and aiming for Pluto knowing full well I can't even hit Mars if I launched
a rocket.

Nobody'd be to blame for it. Just me.

Anyways, it seems like my love for someone has been all laid to waste.
But the experience of living through it lives on inside and helps guide me
to better decisions.

The experience will never be enough to compensate my loss of time, effort and
happiness. But suffice to say that it's still better than nothing, and that'll do for now.

Until then, be mindful of your love interests and don't break your heart too much,
while still constantly ask yourself if that person is worthy of your love.

Friday, February 14, 2014

I'm Really Afraid To Love

Because love is scary.
Because love is frightening.

Because I love way too much when I do.
Because I have no choice but to give everything when I do.

Or I'll feel bad about not trying hard enough.
Or I'll feel bad about not being a better person.

If I love, I love unrequitedly.
When I love, I accept everything.
When I love, I always burn out.
When I love, I don't expect anything back.
When I love, I give everything I can,
knowing it isn't my right to ask for any of them back.

Because if I don't give everything, it feels like I don't give enough.
Because giving half a heart does not constitute the whole.
Because to love means to give all.
Because not giving it whole is as good a reason to not giving any at all.
Because it isn't something worth giving your all for.

So I stopped loving.
So I stopped caring.
So I stopped looking.
So I stopped searching.

I bind myself to the ground.
I clipped my wings down to earth.
I painted my skin in mud.
I walked the earth barefoot.

Because I don't want to fall in love again.
Because I'm not ready for another fall that comes after.
Because when you throw yourself completely at someone,
Because when you don't get caught or hit a landing pad,
You'll know that pain is no joke.

And the greatest pain is still not the physical one,
but the fact that you really wanted to be caught,
but you weren't worth the catch,
and that was the test.

And knowing how I already am inside,
I must be wary as to who my love will be given to.
I must be wary as to whether she is worthy of me affection.
I must be cautious with my selection of love interests.

So this person worthy of it must be right at all the wrong places,
as much as she must be wrong at all the right places.

So I will wait for as long as it takes.
So I will wait for that perfect connection.
So I will wait for that chemistry to happen.

Because I've come to learn that attraction goes beyond
what meets the physical,
what meets the psychological,
what meets the timing,
what meets the chemistry.

It has no explanation to it.
It just happens when it does.
It just doesn't when it's not meant to be.

A sort of balance.
A sort of chaos.
A little happy.
A little sad too.

I still know not the true extent of what love is.
But I know that it's really scary for me to fall in love.

Because if I crash and burn again, I know;
I might lose all faith in women,
I might lose faith in fate,
I might lose faith in romance,
I might lose myself.

But what's life without taking a risk?
A price you're prepared to pay.
A consequence you're willing to bear.
A life you're willing to live.
A love you're willing to go great lengths for.

How much are you willing to let go to experience the adventure?
How much are you willing to lose to see what's at the end?
How much are you willing to gain from walking that road?
How far are you willing to go until you decide where it ends?

What will come will come in time,
for rush has no place in a place of love.

Being ready to love someone;
Finding someone who feels the same;
Her being that someone for you;
You being that someone for her;
It's a damn near impossible event.

So what will come, will come in time.
It could be sooner, it could be later,
But for it to happen, requires the universe to give me its blessings,
and allow all cosmic laws to align with one another for both parties;
both her and I.

And that includes your feelings for one another.

I don't believe in drive by's.
I believe in commitment.

You either try to hit forever and lose it,
Or don't even bother because it won't be
worth your time.

And time, is the only commodity love relationships feed on,
So it's best that you remain cautious with how you spend it.

Make sure that person is worthy of your attention.
Make sure that person is worthy of your time.
And whatever it is, make sure you're happy.
But whatever it is, make sure that person's happy too.

I say to hell with the games and rules.
As if such a thing as compatibility exists,
Then games and rules have no place in the world of love.

Because if there was such a thing as compatibility,
Then they don't become codes to adhere to.
They need to happen instinctively naturally with
order to chaos and back.

Because for that process to work
It takes mutual understanding,
It requires apt timing,
It needs the right circumstances,
It must have the right setting,
And every decision made will affect how long
the process will last as a relationship.

And when that finally happens, you'll know that it's something close to love.
Whether it'll be love or not lies on whether you dare to take the leap,
And ask yourself;

Am I afraid to love?
Am I ready to love?
Am I ready to be loved?
Am I ready to embrace the impact of the fall?

You'll know when you do.
I'll know when I do.

Till then, it's Valentine's.
I don't have much to offer,
but this humble post of weakness.

I'll celebrate love another way today,
and I'll do it on my own.

Because without the right person to rejoice with,
then I'd rather stay alone just a little while longer.

Friday, February 07, 2014

It's Strange - The Good kind

Just when my heart was ready, and I finally decided to move on,
I suddenly uncover all these material about how certain things
are not worth your time, and they become oddly true.

One of them was me opening up to an old friend who's probably
had it worse than I did. The main reason why I felt like I needed
to ask her was the lingering idea that if I could somehow hear her
story and learn how she's fared and survived from her heartbreaks,
then maybe the strength within me to climb out of this darkness
will bloom.

And my intuition proved to be right.

I wasn't asking her in hopes that she'd answer my queries. But more
me sourcing out for proof that nothing can be that damaging to you
unless if you let it. And my friend was living proof of it.

Me talking to her, and stumbling upon Lizzie Velasquez right after
couldn't have set my mind into a better state. Everything just started
to click and I finally knew what I needed to do internally, to stop
hurting for no good reason.

Because there was no good reason to hurt in the first place. I mean,
really, why in the flying fuck would I want to continuously stab myself
in the heart with a rusty ice pick?

But that alone wasn't enough to carry the entire idea through. It
required something more solid and personal for it to ferry safely
into my caged heart and unlock those damned doors.

With me having that epiphany from the previous post combined with
this current one in addition to the countless deja vu's I've encountered
this week alone couldn't have set a finer stage for this spark to start
burning bright.

And did I mention I've had a surprisingly good week this week too?

Anyways, it's really easy for us to take in information without properly
digesting it, although sometimes we think we do. So that thought of being
ready to move on was sorta left idle until I came across a song by Ellie
Goulding that turned out to be a catalyst to finally fuse all those thoughts
into a new entity.

I really love how good music production added along with great lyrics played
at apt moments could make such huge impacts in our sorryass lives. And
for this case, it's mine.

Slow hunches are great too. But I particularly love this one more, because
it's a sign that my grief is ending. And nothing beats the feeling of wanting
to celebrate a good life every single other day that comes next.

It may be hard to believe it, but the song gave me the final
fortification to cement the idea solid into my mind. That she was
missing out on what I had to give, and she just left way too soon,
especially after everything we've had. She could have held on, but
she chose not to. And, I guess I won't have to bother about sharing
whatever I have with her anymore haha.

Ain't that fantastic.

Looking back, I frown at how I even managed to cling so long
onto my relationship with her anyways. I knew I loved her with
everything, but I also knew that being with her was emotionally
draining, it constantly pulled my soul further from myself and killed
everything that made me me. I'm not even sure if there is any proper
explanation as to why I held on. I just know I did, and there's that.

Maybe I was just a fool for love, desperate to make the best out of
my first love encounter and trying to make it in the halls of forever-after.

Because when I was with her, I was making myself the man she
wanted to be with in her vision. And as much as I made myself
think I was okay with that, I wasn't. I even genuinely thought I was.

Well, until subconscious decided it was time to say hello.

The fall was just impending to come, hugging itself in silence just
around the corner. And I can't say how glad I am to be finally free
from those shackles disguised as blessings.

Because it's high time I knocked it into my cranium with Mjolnir that
the relationship was destructive. We were both faking ourselves to retain
something we didn't truly need nor want. And we were both just hanging
on to protect our comfort zone; a convenience, and that we weren't meant
for each other after all.

Worst part of all was that we already went to the point where we realized
that we've given so much for the relationship that it became so difficult to
let go. So we couldn't admit it to ourselves and we kept holding on to
the nothingness called us.

Yes. In the end, there was nothing left.

Anyways, I'm just glad everything is making perfect sense right now and this
is definitely something worth looking forward to everyday after.

Alright, thanks for reading. Have a nice day!

Tuesday, February 04, 2014

The Skies Are Clearer Now

I watched Marvel's Agents of Shield episodes 11 and 12.

And something really unexpected happened.

Towards the end of episode 12, I just started crying.

There was a very strong message behind that episode, and you probably
won't quite get it unless if you stayed with the series since episode 1.
Actually, you probably won't get it unless if you're in the exact state
of mind I am right now.

So ... you probably shouldn't even bother trying. But hey, if it hit you like
how it did for me, good for you. If not, then no harm done.

You see, there was a question Viktor E. Frankl once pointed in his book
"Man's Search For Meaning," and that question was about how a man is
worthy of his own suffering.

Here's the excerpt:

It is here that we encounter the central theme 
of *existentialism:

*A philosophy that emphasizes the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience  in a hostile 
or indifferent universe, regards human existence as unexplainable, and stresses freedom of choice and 
responsibility for the consequences of one's acts. - The Free Dictionary

to live is to suffer, to survive is to find meaning 
in the suffering. If there is a purpose in life at all, 
there must be a purpose in suffering and in dying. But 
no man can tell another what this purpose is. Each must 
find out for himself, and must accept the responsibility 
that his answer prescribes. 

If he succeeds he will continue to grow in spite of all
indignities. Frankl is fond of quoting Nietzsche, 
"He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how."

- pg. 11, Man's Search For Meaning

If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be 
a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part 
of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and 
death human life cannot be complete.

The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the
suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up 
his cross, gives him ample opportunity - even under 
the most difficult circumstances - to add a deeper 
meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified 
and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self-
preservation he may forget his human dignity and 
become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance 
for a man either to make use of or to forgo the 
opportunities of attaining the moral values that a 
difficult situation may afford him. And this decides 
whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not.

- pg. 88, Man's Search For Meaning

I actually don't quite know what I'm trying to put out here. But I can't help but feel
that this huge chunk of void inside me is finally filled with something, and whatever
that thing may be, I know this one thing for sure; that thing is good.

I mean, I honestly don't know if all my experiences happened to me for a good reason 
or not, and as shitty the story of my past may be, I managed to struggle against the option 
of ending my own life, to just let go and prepare to go to hell surrender to fate.

*no offense meant to anyone out there with a darker history. But if you want to hear my story, you can either scour
through my entire blog, or you can just ask and I'll give you the entire recount of my life for you can judge on your 
own accord. Just be sure to leave me a way to contact you or I won't be able to respond.

There were many vantage points that helped me trigger my instinct to continue
living and to not just give up on life, people, and everything else that helps keep
my sanity in check.

And there are six of them in total so far:

June 2007
I was depressed, lonely, misunderstood and broken. Being in the state I was,
I began a total social shutdown, and in the peak of my suffering, I unintentionally
hurt someone after being so exhausted of life and fake plastic gestures of concerns.

A good friend of mine bore witness to the scene and took it upon himself to
straighten me out.

Remarkably, it worked. I was changed ever since. But so did our friendship,
my friendships with my entire social circle, and that innocent friend who was
purely concerned about how I was.

All it takes to trust in people is the willingness to do so. But to get people to
trust you again after it has all been shattered, is another matter entirely.

This was how I made a rule to myself that if I were to trust someone, I'd not
expect that person to do the same for me. Same goes to respect and love.

September 2009
Here, I understood the joy of being absolved from loneliness. And I remembered
telling myself that even if the experience were to end one day, I've lived a very fulfilled
life and that I would have no regrets leaving this world.

A very precious person showed me this. Sadly, she isn't the person I thought she is,
and I can only love what she was then, and not what she is now. But that memory
alone is enough to fuel whatever remnants of a fulfilled life I've had.

Because even if everything was all acted out in the end, that something we've
both experienced back then was undeniably real. Maybe it was love. Maybe it
was something else. I just know I'm a very fortunate person to be graced with
such a memory.

April 2013
I finally understood that the world does not work on good terms with justice,
equality and fairness. That sacrifices no matter how great the cost, are sometimes
futile, pointless and will not be repaid.

Some people go to great extents to hide their true selves from the people they
care about until their reservoirs finally had too much to hold and starts flooding
out uncontrollably. It was the same case for the both of us, and we didn't like
what we saw in each other after all the fortification was stripped off.

But somehow, something within me willed myself to be blind to all the bad there
was in her, and only a tunnel vision of what was good remained. Unfortunately for
me, she wasn't the kind who could do the same for me. And things just didn't quite
work out in the end, with our concern for one another growing into an intense
sense of nuisance, anguish and frustration.

The abruptness of it all ending midway made me lost, ironical and full of bitterness.
Faith in humanity had left me and I began distancing myself from everyone, afraid to
make too intimate a connection in fears of going through the pain of losing it again.

It was as if I silently swore to myself to never ever love again.

So it'd make sense that I grew to become desensitized as a human being incapable
of loving another. The pain went numb and faded into the background of reality.
But with that happening, so did my happiness grow numb, where it came to a point
where I couldn't tell whether my sarcasm in life was just a joke or if I actually meant
it anymore.

If you see me laughing like a mad gorilla, making lame jokes, smiling for no goddamn reason
and just plain giving you that happy face, that's basically my defense mechanism against
my own suffering. It's so in-grained in my psyche that it becomes involuntary, and... whenever
I try to stop it, I get bad dreams, mood swings and senseless unnecessary auto-reminiscing.
This has actually been happening ever since I used this method to fend myself from all the
bullies I've encountered from primary school.

But believe me when I say I'm still figuring out a way to break free from this cycle. So until then,
as annoying as I can be, please bear with me for a while. There's no telling if I would succeed,
but at least if you read this, then you'd know that I'm trying in the very least.

July 2013
My heart decided that it could no longer hold it all in. And I wept for an
entire night, knowing, thinking, and chanting to myself repetitively with the
words, "I'm not okay. I need to let this out."

And in the following morning, sleepless and still overflowing with neverending
tears, I had to make my way out. Who'd have known that I'd meet people who
understood, wept and shared my grief after I shared them my story.

This moment restored the entirety of my balance in life; and all it took to make
it matter more was a bottle of soda and 3 candy bars filled with so much love
that I instantly fell to my face and cried tears of joy.

I was so used to being forgotten, neglected and not cared for that I forgot what
it's like to know what if feels like to have people who actually like being around
me. And I'm very glad for the reintroduction.

And for some strange reason, this buncha people are always the ones who don't
mind me being Osla high on defense-mech. They were the ones to finally hammer
in the idea to my thick cranium that maybe, just maybe, being the way I am now
is completely fine and normal.

September 2013
I started looking back into my past, and saw that there was a trend in
my behaviour, and that it has never ceased at all over the near decade.
I was always severely demotivated, and despite my will and desire to
continue living, I had no desire to do anything worthwhile with my life.

I used to think that for as long as I'm doing something, anything at all, I'm
not wasting my time. But I realized that this truth is never absolute, and isn't
always right. You can only do so much of one thing until it begins to hit its
capacity of adding more value to your life.

I thought I got over depression back when I was a teen. But in reality, I didn't.
And it continued to linger this far into my 20's. Because I only managed to deal
with the symptom of the desire to end my life, but not everything else.

So I finally embraced it as a weakness I need to overcome, took a leap of faith
and entrusted my world of misery to a very dear friend I never knew I've had all
this time. I poured it all out, and allowed her eyes to peek into the deepest depths
of my soul, in hopes that maybe she could figure out the mess that I am, and help
me fix my soul where I couldn't have alone.

I must say that I still am not completely fixed. But the amount of patchwork she has
put on me by instigating the necessary changes she saw relevant in my life has made
me a better person as a whole than I ever was before. And I dare say that I wouldn't
be faring this well today, if it wasn't for her.

February 2014
And there's finally today, where two entities completely irrelevant and separate
from one another finally saw a common element, fused with one another and
created a reaction so powerful that it forced a paradigm shift in my entire state
of mind.

The idea that all my sufferings were worth every strand of pain inflicted, and that I
wasn't waiting for all the pain to end, but was merely waiting for the moment where
my story really begins.

Now I can finally close the final chapters of what Osla was, and start a new book
with fresh new chapters. Of what does my true potential hold, and what have I to
offer to this world I've once despised, but have learned to love?

It's finally time for me to ask myself:
What do I look forward to tomorrow, the day after, and every day after that?
How do I want to live my life?
Who do I want to be?
What can I be?

Trying to answer my own rhetorics often prove to be more challenging that it seems.
And it gets my head thinking on the right track of mind, I think.

So maybe I'm gonna do this more often.
I'll probably ask more questions addressed to nobody, but in every subsequent post
that comes after, I'll chain them up together in correlation to the previous post, with at
least one answer; or what I've managed to figure out thus far, to one or more of my own

Wow, that sure sounds like a great thing to look forward to. Hey wait, I just answered
the first question!

.... Oh boy, the next 3 will definitely be a hugeass bummer for my small-fry brain.

Okay, thanks for reading. I'll end this post with an all-time favourite BGM from a game
I've stayed loyal to ever since I've had my hands on it when I was 12.

Sunday, February 02, 2014

of Friends, Art, and.. Commenting on Their Work.

Searizeel 2014. See the old one over here.

For those of you who don't know yet, I'm currently working at Inside Scoop as a store associate cum
barista-in-training. This decision was made because I kinda gave up on landing a job with art studios
after failing my own artistic expectations one too many times. As much as I want to keep trying to "better
my portfolio"
, I can't keep doing that forever while not making any money at all.

I've got responsibilities after all. And PTPTN is definitely one of them. The other's my bike loan.
Everything else is purely optional on my own accord.

My current work hours are from 11.30am to 12am-ish daily, aside from Thursday, which is my off
day. Sorta. Truth is, Thursday is supposed to be the day I go for my Unit Trust Group meetings, and
I've kinda skipped on all 3 this month alone because I needed to rest and catch up on so many things
every off-day.

Stuff like tidying up my room, my messed up wardrobe, preparing stuff for the next day, reading up
on ice-cream and coffee, doing some paperwork for the company, washing my clothes, things just
pile up every day. As much as I want to do everything, I've always gotta prioritize. And it's just
luck that art kinda gets the short end of the entire gist of things.

That's about to change though *fingers crossed.* I mean, I do have a motorbike, and I'm less
lethargic already as of late.

Anyways, now, about the topic of my blogpost.

These days, for some strange reason, people have been sorta asking me for comments on their works,
and... I want to make a proper reply but a thought always holds me back from it.

The thought that, "If I could draw and give them a proper visual critique rather than a written
critique, why not just draw it out?" This has been kinda eating me inside out because I know I can
do the critiques and comments with a drawing, but with so little time at hand every single day, I've been
holding these people out with no replies for almost a month now.

So for those of you who're still waiting on a reply from me, I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you
in proper yet. It just takes time to do something for you to understand the way I understand it. And
I haven't been drawing for quite some time, so my hands need a little push to start working again
before I can start using my artistic instincts well enough again.

Thankfully, there was the Chinese New Year holidays, in which although were holidays, I didn't
get much time for myself until Saturday, when all the reunion shenanigans have finally stopped.
I tried to do some critiques today, but some didn't quite turn out the way I imagined them to be.
So I had to unwind and do something else that doesn't have people's expectations leered all over
at the top of my cerebrum.

And so I have the above artwork. I also can't post sketches up now because my printer-scanner
sort of got zapped one fine day around November and to my despair, there are no replacements
available for it's stupid power chord. So... well, until I get a new scanner, I just can't show shit lol.

It's not easy being torn between needing to work out, being there for my family, and the desire
to give artistic advice the proper way when I'm facing lack of sleep, a messy wardrobe, a shared
computer and.. lotsa other variables that aren't worth mentioning. Like getting fatter.

Either way, I'll do my best to do my stuff. So if you're waiting on a response from me, it's coming!
You just need to wait a little, that's all haha.

Oh right, and Happy Chinese New Year!