Friday, February 14, 2014

I'm Really Afraid To Love

Because love is scary.
Because love is frightening.

Because I love way too much when I do.
Because I have no choice but to give everything when I do.

Or I'll feel bad about not trying hard enough.
Or I'll feel bad about not being a better person.

If I love, I love unrequitedly.
When I love, I accept everything.
When I love, I always burn out.
When I love, I don't expect anything back.
When I love, I give everything I can,
knowing it isn't my right to ask for any of them back.

Because if I don't give everything, it feels like I don't give enough.
Because giving half a heart does not constitute the whole.
Because to love means to give all.
Because not giving it whole is as good a reason to not giving any at all.
Because it isn't something worth giving your all for.

So I stopped loving.
So I stopped caring.
So I stopped looking.
So I stopped searching.

I bind myself to the ground.
I clipped my wings down to earth.
I painted my skin in mud.
I walked the earth barefoot.

Because I don't want to fall in love again.
Because I'm not ready for another fall that comes after.
Because when you throw yourself completely at someone,
Because when you don't get caught or hit a landing pad,
You'll know that pain is no joke.

And the greatest pain is still not the physical one,
but the fact that you really wanted to be caught,
but you weren't worth the catch,
and that was the test.

And knowing how I already am inside,
I must be wary as to who my love will be given to.
I must be wary as to whether she is worthy of me affection.
I must be cautious with my selection of love interests.

So this person worthy of it must be right at all the wrong places,
as much as she must be wrong at all the right places.

So I will wait for as long as it takes.
So I will wait for that perfect connection.
So I will wait for that chemistry to happen.

Because I've come to learn that attraction goes beyond
what meets the physical,
what meets the psychological,
what meets the timing,
what meets the chemistry.

It has no explanation to it.
It just happens when it does.
It just doesn't when it's not meant to be.

A sort of balance.
A sort of chaos.
A little happy.
A little sad too.

I still know not the true extent of what love is.
But I know that it's really scary for me to fall in love.

Because if I crash and burn again, I know;
I might lose all faith in women,
I might lose faith in fate,
I might lose faith in romance,
I might lose myself.

But what's life without taking a risk?
A price you're prepared to pay.
A consequence you're willing to bear.
A life you're willing to live.
A love you're willing to go great lengths for.

How much are you willing to let go to experience the adventure?
How much are you willing to lose to see what's at the end?
How much are you willing to gain from walking that road?
How far are you willing to go until you decide where it ends?

What will come will come in time,
for rush has no place in a place of love.

Being ready to love someone;
Finding someone who feels the same;
Her being that someone for you;
You being that someone for her;
It's a damn near impossible event.

So what will come, will come in time.
It could be sooner, it could be later,
But for it to happen, requires the universe to give me its blessings,
and allow all cosmic laws to align with one another for both parties;
both her and I.

And that includes your feelings for one another.

I don't believe in drive by's.
I believe in commitment.

You either try to hit forever and lose it,
Or don't even bother because it won't be
worth your time.

And time, is the only commodity love relationships feed on,
So it's best that you remain cautious with how you spend it.

Make sure that person is worthy of your attention.
Make sure that person is worthy of your time.
And whatever it is, make sure you're happy.
But whatever it is, make sure that person's happy too.

I say to hell with the games and rules.
As if such a thing as compatibility exists,
Then games and rules have no place in the world of love.

Because if there was such a thing as compatibility,
Then they don't become codes to adhere to.
They need to happen instinctively naturally with
order to chaos and back.

Because for that process to work
It takes mutual understanding,
It requires apt timing,
It needs the right circumstances,
It must have the right setting,
And every decision made will affect how long
the process will last as a relationship.

And when that finally happens, you'll know that it's something close to love.
Whether it'll be love or not lies on whether you dare to take the leap,
And ask yourself;

Am I afraid to love?
Am I ready to love?
Am I ready to be loved?
Am I ready to embrace the impact of the fall?

You'll know when you do.
I'll know when I do.

Till then, it's Valentine's.
I don't have much to offer,
but this humble post of weakness.

I'll celebrate love another way today,
and I'll do it on my own.

Because without the right person to rejoice with,
then I'd rather stay alone just a little while longer.

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