Friday, February 07, 2014

It's Strange - The Good kind

Just when my heart was ready, and I finally decided to move on,
I suddenly uncover all these material about how certain things
are not worth your time, and they become oddly true.

One of them was me opening up to an old friend who's probably
had it worse than I did. The main reason why I felt like I needed
to ask her was the lingering idea that if I could somehow hear her
story and learn how she's fared and survived from her heartbreaks,
then maybe the strength within me to climb out of this darkness
will bloom.

And my intuition proved to be right.

I wasn't asking her in hopes that she'd answer my queries. But more
me sourcing out for proof that nothing can be that damaging to you
unless if you let it. And my friend was living proof of it.

Me talking to her, and stumbling upon Lizzie Velasquez right after
couldn't have set my mind into a better state. Everything just started
to click and I finally knew what I needed to do internally, to stop
hurting for no good reason.

Because there was no good reason to hurt in the first place. I mean,
really, why in the flying fuck would I want to continuously stab myself
in the heart with a rusty ice pick?

But that alone wasn't enough to carry the entire idea through. It
required something more solid and personal for it to ferry safely
into my caged heart and unlock those damned doors.

With me having that epiphany from the previous post combined with
this current one in addition to the countless deja vu's I've encountered
this week alone couldn't have set a finer stage for this spark to start
burning bright.

And did I mention I've had a surprisingly good week this week too?

Anyways, it's really easy for us to take in information without properly
digesting it, although sometimes we think we do. So that thought of being
ready to move on was sorta left idle until I came across a song by Ellie
Goulding that turned out to be a catalyst to finally fuse all those thoughts
into a new entity.

I really love how good music production added along with great lyrics played
at apt moments could make such huge impacts in our sorryass lives. And
for this case, it's mine.

Slow hunches are great too. But I particularly love this one more, because
it's a sign that my grief is ending. And nothing beats the feeling of wanting
to celebrate a good life every single other day that comes next.

It may be hard to believe it, but the song gave me the final
fortification to cement the idea solid into my mind. That she was
missing out on what I had to give, and she just left way too soon,
especially after everything we've had. She could have held on, but
she chose not to. And, I guess I won't have to bother about sharing
whatever I have with her anymore haha.

Ain't that fantastic.

Looking back, I frown at how I even managed to cling so long
onto my relationship with her anyways. I knew I loved her with
everything, but I also knew that being with her was emotionally
draining, it constantly pulled my soul further from myself and killed
everything that made me me. I'm not even sure if there is any proper
explanation as to why I held on. I just know I did, and there's that.

Maybe I was just a fool for love, desperate to make the best out of
my first love encounter and trying to make it in the halls of forever-after.

Because when I was with her, I was making myself the man she
wanted to be with in her vision. And as much as I made myself
think I was okay with that, I wasn't. I even genuinely thought I was.

Well, until subconscious decided it was time to say hello.

The fall was just impending to come, hugging itself in silence just
around the corner. And I can't say how glad I am to be finally free
from those shackles disguised as blessings.

Because it's high time I knocked it into my cranium with Mjolnir that
the relationship was destructive. We were both faking ourselves to retain
something we didn't truly need nor want. And we were both just hanging
on to protect our comfort zone; a convenience, and that we weren't meant
for each other after all.

Worst part of all was that we already went to the point where we realized
that we've given so much for the relationship that it became so difficult to
let go. So we couldn't admit it to ourselves and we kept holding on to
the nothingness called us.

Yes. In the end, there was nothing left.

Anyways, I'm just glad everything is making perfect sense right now and this
is definitely something worth looking forward to everyday after.

Alright, thanks for reading. Have a nice day!

No comments: