Thursday, February 27, 2014

Shit People Do When They Don't Really Love You

"I love you so very much"
"We're practically married already"
"I'll never ever leave you"

Sweet words. Good effort. Nice try.

But nonsense when they are all words but no conviction.

There's always gonna be someone out there who loves with the entirety of
their being paired along with those who are just pricks pretending to love in
hopes to fill the empty voids they aren't even keen on figuring their own
emotions out.

I'm glad I was the former, and that I had every justifiable right to be angry
over my experience. Because now, realizing everything, everything just leads
to one conclusion:

She didn't love me (enough). And she's just not worthy of my damned time.

Hopeless self-destructive relationships. Might as well go back to unrequited
love and express the emotions in silence from a comfortable distance.

What she did to me broke me to bits. But after living through the experience,
I couldn't help but wonder if there was any other way to make me stronger
as a person than to survive such a collision with her.

To know what loss really means, to know what it means to give everything
but receive next to shit in return for it, hoping for things to get better when
they are already doomed, staying positive even when both the world and the
relationship throws shit at you.

Finding out first hand what a self-destructive relationship feels like. The kind
you're never completely happy about. Always frustrated. Never really satisfied.
There's always something wrong somewhere and you're always drained the fuck
out of your own soul just being a part of it.

And most important of all, how to discern whether a new relationship is worth
the trouble or not, despite all the emotional incongruencies that one may feel,
especially if the attraction is really strong.

Getting hurt sucks. And I know it better than to just jump in headlong and pray
in blind faith all over again. I consider more variables than before and clarify them
over and over at the top of my head until at least some things feel right before
going forward with the intent.

Because it's true that love doesn't require that much brainwork. If it's love, it's love.
You'll know it if you love someone enough. And you'll also know it if someone doesn't
love you enough.

How do you know that? A good sign for that would be when you're not even sure if
someone loves you even when he says that he loves you. You try your best to believe
in the positive, but no matter how hard you try, you can't help but feel eerily insecure
about it all. Because if the love really clicked, this question would be the least of your
concerns. And you should ultimately be feeling really great about yourself.

Almost to the point where you would go couple camwhoring for eternity.

If I happen to like someone again, I'll do my best to keep no contact with that person.
But if somehow or rather that person still shows up and manages to make contact with
me somehow, then that's the first sign. I mean, really. If you're making constant contact
without you trying to deliberately intervene and make opportunities happen, I'm pretty
sure the universe is nudging something at you somewhat.

Then if I learn something new about that person everytime we make contact, that's the
second sign. I'm always interested to know more about someone if I like that person,
but if I ever find that it stops for too long, maybe I really don't like that person that
much after all. Because if I did, it'd only make sense for me to be more alert and
perceptive about the tidbits wouldn't it?

The third sign is the hardest; figuring out if that person feels anything for me at all without
her ever finding out. Don't even bother asking me how I'll figure this out. Because I'm
pretty much scratching my head as you read this. If I take too long and the girl gets
snagged away by another guy, *shrugs* oh well, at least I never confessed and she
never found out.

Either way, I know in the very least that when I do things this way, I can be certain that
there'll be no need for unnecessary heartaches. No need for unsightly confessions. No
room for childish immaturity. No real-life soap drama.

And if I get hurt in the process, it's all on me for having unrealistic expectations from
someone, and aiming for Pluto knowing full well I can't even hit Mars if I launched
a rocket.

Nobody'd be to blame for it. Just me.

Anyways, it seems like my love for someone has been all laid to waste.
But the experience of living through it lives on inside and helps guide me
to better decisions.

The experience will never be enough to compensate my loss of time, effort and
happiness. But suffice to say that it's still better than nothing, and that'll do for now.

Until then, be mindful of your love interests and don't break your heart too much,
while still constantly ask yourself if that person is worthy of your love.

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