Tuesday, February 04, 2014

The Skies Are Clearer Now

I watched Marvel's Agents of Shield episodes 11 and 12.

And something really unexpected happened.

Towards the end of episode 12, I just started crying.

There was a very strong message behind that episode, and you probably
won't quite get it unless if you stayed with the series since episode 1.
Actually, you probably won't get it unless if you're in the exact state
of mind I am right now.

So ... you probably shouldn't even bother trying. But hey, if it hit you like
how it did for me, good for you. If not, then no harm done.

You see, there was a question Viktor E. Frankl once pointed in his book
"Man's Search For Meaning," and that question was about how a man is
worthy of his own suffering.

Here's the excerpt:

It is here that we encounter the central theme 
of *existentialism:

*A philosophy that emphasizes the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience  in a hostile 
or indifferent universe, regards human existence as unexplainable, and stresses freedom of choice and 
responsibility for the consequences of one's acts. - The Free Dictionary

to live is to suffer, to survive is to find meaning 
in the suffering. If there is a purpose in life at all, 
there must be a purpose in suffering and in dying. But 
no man can tell another what this purpose is. Each must 
find out for himself, and must accept the responsibility 
that his answer prescribes. 

If he succeeds he will continue to grow in spite of all
indignities. Frankl is fond of quoting Nietzsche, 
"He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how."

- pg. 11, Man's Search For Meaning

If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be 
a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part 
of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and 
death human life cannot be complete.

The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the
suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up 
his cross, gives him ample opportunity - even under 
the most difficult circumstances - to add a deeper 
meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified 
and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self-
preservation he may forget his human dignity and 
become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance 
for a man either to make use of or to forgo the 
opportunities of attaining the moral values that a 
difficult situation may afford him. And this decides 
whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not.

- pg. 88, Man's Search For Meaning

I actually don't quite know what I'm trying to put out here. But I can't help but feel
that this huge chunk of void inside me is finally filled with something, and whatever
that thing may be, I know this one thing for sure; that thing is good.

I mean, I honestly don't know if all my experiences happened to me for a good reason 
or not, and as shitty the story of my past may be, I managed to struggle against the option 
of ending my own life, to just let go and prepare to go to hell surrender to fate.

*no offense meant to anyone out there with a darker history. But if you want to hear my story, you can either scour
through my entire blog, or you can just ask and I'll give you the entire recount of my life for you can judge on your 
own accord. Just be sure to leave me a way to contact you or I won't be able to respond.

There were many vantage points that helped me trigger my instinct to continue
living and to not just give up on life, people, and everything else that helps keep
my sanity in check.

And there are six of them in total so far:

June 2007
I was depressed, lonely, misunderstood and broken. Being in the state I was,
I began a total social shutdown, and in the peak of my suffering, I unintentionally
hurt someone after being so exhausted of life and fake plastic gestures of concerns.

A good friend of mine bore witness to the scene and took it upon himself to
straighten me out.

Remarkably, it worked. I was changed ever since. But so did our friendship,
my friendships with my entire social circle, and that innocent friend who was
purely concerned about how I was.

All it takes to trust in people is the willingness to do so. But to get people to
trust you again after it has all been shattered, is another matter entirely.

This was how I made a rule to myself that if I were to trust someone, I'd not
expect that person to do the same for me. Same goes to respect and love.

September 2009
Here, I understood the joy of being absolved from loneliness. And I remembered
telling myself that even if the experience were to end one day, I've lived a very fulfilled
life and that I would have no regrets leaving this world.

A very precious person showed me this. Sadly, she isn't the person I thought she is,
and I can only love what she was then, and not what she is now. But that memory
alone is enough to fuel whatever remnants of a fulfilled life I've had.

Because even if everything was all acted out in the end, that something we've
both experienced back then was undeniably real. Maybe it was love. Maybe it
was something else. I just know I'm a very fortunate person to be graced with
such a memory.

April 2013
I finally understood that the world does not work on good terms with justice,
equality and fairness. That sacrifices no matter how great the cost, are sometimes
futile, pointless and will not be repaid.

Some people go to great extents to hide their true selves from the people they
care about until their reservoirs finally had too much to hold and starts flooding
out uncontrollably. It was the same case for the both of us, and we didn't like
what we saw in each other after all the fortification was stripped off.

But somehow, something within me willed myself to be blind to all the bad there
was in her, and only a tunnel vision of what was good remained. Unfortunately for
me, she wasn't the kind who could do the same for me. And things just didn't quite
work out in the end, with our concern for one another growing into an intense
sense of nuisance, anguish and frustration.

The abruptness of it all ending midway made me lost, ironical and full of bitterness.
Faith in humanity had left me and I began distancing myself from everyone, afraid to
make too intimate a connection in fears of going through the pain of losing it again.

It was as if I silently swore to myself to never ever love again.

So it'd make sense that I grew to become desensitized as a human being incapable
of loving another. The pain went numb and faded into the background of reality.
But with that happening, so did my happiness grow numb, where it came to a point
where I couldn't tell whether my sarcasm in life was just a joke or if I actually meant
it anymore.

If you see me laughing like a mad gorilla, making lame jokes, smiling for no goddamn reason
and just plain giving you that happy face, that's basically my defense mechanism against
my own suffering. It's so in-grained in my psyche that it becomes involuntary, and... whenever
I try to stop it, I get bad dreams, mood swings and senseless unnecessary auto-reminiscing.
This has actually been happening ever since I used this method to fend myself from all the
bullies I've encountered from primary school.

But believe me when I say I'm still figuring out a way to break free from this cycle. So until then,
as annoying as I can be, please bear with me for a while. There's no telling if I would succeed,
but at least if you read this, then you'd know that I'm trying in the very least.

July 2013
My heart decided that it could no longer hold it all in. And I wept for an
entire night, knowing, thinking, and chanting to myself repetitively with the
words, "I'm not okay. I need to let this out."

And in the following morning, sleepless and still overflowing with neverending
tears, I had to make my way out. Who'd have known that I'd meet people who
understood, wept and shared my grief after I shared them my story.

This moment restored the entirety of my balance in life; and all it took to make
it matter more was a bottle of soda and 3 candy bars filled with so much love
that I instantly fell to my face and cried tears of joy.

I was so used to being forgotten, neglected and not cared for that I forgot what
it's like to know what if feels like to have people who actually like being around
me. And I'm very glad for the reintroduction.

And for some strange reason, this buncha people are always the ones who don't
mind me being Osla high on defense-mech. They were the ones to finally hammer
in the idea to my thick cranium that maybe, just maybe, being the way I am now
is completely fine and normal.

September 2013
I started looking back into my past, and saw that there was a trend in
my behaviour, and that it has never ceased at all over the near decade.
I was always severely demotivated, and despite my will and desire to
continue living, I had no desire to do anything worthwhile with my life.

I used to think that for as long as I'm doing something, anything at all, I'm
not wasting my time. But I realized that this truth is never absolute, and isn't
always right. You can only do so much of one thing until it begins to hit its
capacity of adding more value to your life.

I thought I got over depression back when I was a teen. But in reality, I didn't.
And it continued to linger this far into my 20's. Because I only managed to deal
with the symptom of the desire to end my life, but not everything else.

So I finally embraced it as a weakness I need to overcome, took a leap of faith
and entrusted my world of misery to a very dear friend I never knew I've had all
this time. I poured it all out, and allowed her eyes to peek into the deepest depths
of my soul, in hopes that maybe she could figure out the mess that I am, and help
me fix my soul where I couldn't have alone.

I must say that I still am not completely fixed. But the amount of patchwork she has
put on me by instigating the necessary changes she saw relevant in my life has made
me a better person as a whole than I ever was before. And I dare say that I wouldn't
be faring this well today, if it wasn't for her.

February 2014
And there's finally today, where two entities completely irrelevant and separate
from one another finally saw a common element, fused with one another and
created a reaction so powerful that it forced a paradigm shift in my entire state
of mind.

The idea that all my sufferings were worth every strand of pain inflicted, and that I
wasn't waiting for all the pain to end, but was merely waiting for the moment where
my story really begins.

Now I can finally close the final chapters of what Osla was, and start a new book
with fresh new chapters. Of what does my true potential hold, and what have I to
offer to this world I've once despised, but have learned to love?

It's finally time for me to ask myself:
What do I look forward to tomorrow, the day after, and every day after that?
How do I want to live my life?
Who do I want to be?
What can I be?

Trying to answer my own rhetorics often prove to be more challenging that it seems.
And it gets my head thinking on the right track of mind, I think.

So maybe I'm gonna do this more often.
I'll probably ask more questions addressed to nobody, but in every subsequent post
that comes after, I'll chain them up together in correlation to the previous post, with at
least one answer; or what I've managed to figure out thus far, to one or more of my own

Wow, that sure sounds like a great thing to look forward to. Hey wait, I just answered
the first question!

.... Oh boy, the next 3 will definitely be a hugeass bummer for my small-fry brain.

Okay, thanks for reading. I'll end this post with an all-time favourite BGM from a game
I've stayed loyal to ever since I've had my hands on it when I was 12.

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