Today was a typical normal day at work with some cleaning,
serving customers and having to put up with some of my colleagues
But at one part of the day, a certain song I've been listening to off
and on to made an appearance, and it just happened.
It was pulling on my heart strings.
I felt the wrenching pull in my heart, the numbing spasm down
my spine; the goosebumps. Something was happening, and
the song was speaking to me, touching me deeply.
I did my best to conceal my intent to play that same song endlessly,
and I managed to sneak it into the playlist 3 times today, when there
was a stagger between the other workers who were present with me
at the front area.
And then I got home, I went for a run. It's the third day of my "final
push program." My muscles were aching like mad, and I know it was
never gonna be any easier, but I've come this far and saw results,
it just doesn't make any sense to stop right now.
After I was done with the run, I hit the mat for the next round of
workouts. I did one set of situps, then got to my playlist on my
computer, and just played the song from earlier.
This time, it hit me off guard, and came in with full force. I thought
I was just gonna have the same goosebumps again, but no.
A surge of emotions flooded my soul instead, and they manifested
into tears streaming down my cheeks.
The memories that were flashing through my head were all about
Pastella, but at the same time, not about her as I continued my
It was pinpointing at something more important than her.
And the answer finally came to me:
It was the entire experience of the moment of being so helplessly
in love with one another that all you wanted to do was lie head
to head rested against one another as you fall asleep gazing into
each other's magnetic eyes.
And the torrent of sad emotions stopped. I was crying again,
but this time, the sadness was all gone. I was just crying.
Then it hit me; if I wasn't sad, then am I happy?
A smile started to form on my face, and after that, I was
just in a state of complete conscious bliss.
I hated you with everything I've got to cope with my life,
and somehow I ended up blaming myself for everything
that has happened.
But somewhere along the way, I figured out the vicious
destructive cycle psyche of it, and got myself busy doing
things and living life rather then waste my time in thoughts
that don't matter and won't do me much good thinking
The thought went further and further back into the back of
my head as the days continued to pass by, but it's existence
never fades. Just gets more and more insignificant overtime.
Something like a nag you receive from a parent that may seem
important the first time, but after a while, it just gets old and
doesn't make as much sense as it used to when you first hear it.
And today, I'm glad to finally able to say that I've gotten over you.
I don't really know how getting over someone actually
feels like, but if it'd feel like something, I think it'd resemble
closely to what I'm experiencing right now:
A state of forgiveness, bliss, gratitude and renewal all happening
The thought that I actually really want to say this to you in person:
Thank you for leaving me.
It was the best thing for the two of us,
and I can finally genuinely believe in
those words when I say it now.
We definitely loved each other, and I know that
for sure now. But our love wasn't meant to last.
It was meant to educate us, and thanks to you, I
now know what I'm looking for.
To not chase this phantom of you, but to seek that
enchanting experience I've had with you when we
were we were so grateful for each other's presence
that we could literally lie next to each other all
day and smile towards the ceiling just laying still,
doing nothing but thinking of each other, admiring
whatever silence we shared, and celebrating every
word we could manage to get across out of our
And it's queer to finally realize that this happened
twice in our relationship; the first being our first
few months together, and the second being our final
few months together after our actual breakup.
Because everything else in between were the things
we didn't want to deal with. The frustrations of
not being compatible, the clash of expectations
and the sheer brutality of reality all swarming us
like a locust plague to an open paddy field.
And the next thing we knew, the chain of
circumstances and the invisible walls of
insecurity blocked us both out.
We couldn't figure out how to knock the walls down,
and somehow or rather, we ended up making the wall
higher, wider and more fortified the longer we
stayed together. Laying brick after brick with
every passing day we chose to look away.
And that made us both really unhappy. Because
we became further and further apart. As much as
we wanted to click, our matching velcros just
didn't seem to stick anymore. And the love
faded, we got caught in a routine and our
relationship became something no different
than a household chore that we loathe to do,
but still did anyways out of necessity.
And that ate us inside out.
We didn't deserve to be unhappy with someone we love.
How can we love someone and not feel happy?
So I sincerely hope you can find that happiness again.
I know that I will, and it's just a matter of time before
I meet someone who'd make me feel the same way again.
All the best to you Pastella.
I've loved you before. And I still love a part of you.
But you aren't the Pastella I know anymore. And with
that being said, it's safe to say that I no longer
love you as who you are.
Our memories will continue to act as a guide to me.
But this is where we finally say goodbye and let
each other go cleanly;
I can say goodbye and let you go cleanly.
That I'm over you.
I think it best that we never make contact again.
There's no need for us to remain friends, and I
have a feeling your life would be a lot better off
without me in the picture.
It's not that I don't want to be friends. But
we've tried before, and it made us both feel
guilty rolling back into our old habits together.
I don't need that. You don't need that. And now
without any barriers from holding the entirety of
my anger towards your shortcomings; because I really
don't love you anymore, I'd love to not have the
opportunity to lash at you.
So what we have now is good, and I'd like to keep
it that way if it's not too much of a trouble.
And that's when I figured it out:
We were no longer in love with each other then. We were just in love with a
version of ourselves that existed for a time but never came back no matter
how long we stayed together trying to make it happen again.
And it dawned on me that wasn't right the right way for a relationship to go on.
A relationship should never feel suffocating and weigh you down needlessly.
Perhaps that was why I felt like the relationship was heading towards
an impending disaster for a pretty long time, but I kept knocking the idea
out because I thought it was an act of good faith in a relationship to only
believe in the good and keep hanging on no matter what happens.
But after all that has happened, the sheer randomness of that song
touching me like this after knowing about it for the past 4 months,
it's hard to revert into that naive old self again.
And it's good not being so naive.
I must say, I gotta give the Osla 4 months back some credit. He
realized that he was going nowhere with his feelings and decided to
do something about it. And this was his solution:
And that was the best thing that has ever happened to me.
It's a funny feeling, working really hard for something. No
matter how tiring it is, or how exhausting it gets, when you're
doing it for a good reason, you've got nothing to hold you back,
you just keep going.
And I kept going.
I worked hard at work. I worked hard with myself. If I never
had goals, I developed habits.
And it helped.
To think that I was torturing myself needlessly all this time after the
breakup. But it's all over now. I'm finally free from it's shackles.
I knew I was searching for an answer, but it just couldn't happen
then. It had to happen after suffering alone for 2 years. And out
of that 2 years, all it took was one switch flipped in my head,
and 4 months of keep moving forward and don't look back
attitude. A conscious decision to move on from this pathetic
phase in my life.
It's done. The answer is finally here, and I can run headlong
into the summit with nothing holding me back anymore, with
a huge smile on my face.
Because I enjoy my life now. And I think all of you out there
deserve the same.
Everyone's experience is unique to one another. So if you're
tired of feeling like shit about a certain situation, all I can say
is that you've gotta want to work on it, and work really hard
on untying all the knots that give you a headache.
Then maybe, maybe you will get where I'm at now. And it
will happen if you want it hard enough as much as you work
And if you'll excuse me, I'd want to build a lego house with
all the scattered memories of me being me.
Have a nice day everyone.